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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26100436">The stars will love me even if you don’t</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerys/pseuds/aerys'>aerys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Victor (TV 2020), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Anger Management, Angst, Anxiety, Breaking Up &amp; Making Up, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon Relationships, College, Coming of Age, Drama, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Legal Drama, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychology, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Reflection, Sex, Sexting, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, University, Venji endgame</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:29:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>135,838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26100436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerys/pseuds/aerys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Victor has doubts about his future. Benji wants more independence. As they enter a new stage in their lives together, these challenges have no choice but to come to a head. Will Victor and Benji weather what life throws at them and make it out on the other side, stronger than ever? Or will their relationship crumble back to nothing from whence it came?</p><p>or</p><p>Victor and Benji discover the joys of therapy, self-improvement, and unlearning unhealthy behaviors.</p><p>(Love, Victor long-distance college AU)</p><p>Final chapter (33) is up and split into 3 parts. Enjoy!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>423</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Graduation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi again, hope you’re well. This story is one I had on my mind and it is definitely different in tone from my first one. I want to explore some more serious themes and see how Venji handle the challenges associated with becoming adults and going to college and such. I’m writing using my own experience and understanding of mental health issues and I’m aware that others may have similar or different experiences to mine. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it despite it being more serious but I promise it won’t be all drama all the time. ❤️</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor graduates.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As the late May sun descended to the horizon and the oppressive blanket of Southern humidity creeped ever upon them, sounds of laughter filled the air. School was finally out for summer, and finally, the students at Creekwood High School were free. In the just over 2 years Victor had spent there, he had grown to appreciate his time despite the rough start. And now, on the eve of graduation, when he would finally be able to go out the world as a man, Victor welcomed the change. He wasn’t sure yet if he would miss his life in Atlanta; only time could tell.</p>
<p>Sighing, Victor adjusted his bow tie, eyeing himself in the mirror and frowning when it didn’t lay how he wanted it to. He pinched the bridge of his nose, body rigid from stress.</p>
<p>“Hey, relax, Vic,” Benji’s soft, low voice chastised him. Humming, his boyfriend took his hand, kissing his knuckles, before somehow figuring out a way to fix Victor’s frustratingly incompliant tie. “There ya go. You look really sharp… and honestly, incredibly sexy.”</p>
<p>They both chuckled a bit, Victor feeling himself loosening up a bit. He gazed at Benji, biting his lips and failing at suppressing his smile. Whenever Victor looked at his boyfriend, he thought about how lucky he was to have him in his life. And he remembered this night last year, when he and Benji had been in each other’s positions, with Benji graduating before taking the year off to work at Brasstown full-time in order to pay for university, and Victor, being the supportive boyfriend he was, there to celebrate on the big night. It was strange and a bit surreal that Victor was about to walk the stage and move on to another stage in his life as the openly gay point guard for Georgia State’s basketball team while studying Pre-Law. He couldn’t complain, though, because having a sports scholarship did make life easier.</p>
<p>“Thank you for everything,” Victor said, kissing Benji on the cheek as the other boy took his arm. His eyes sparkled with the sincerity of his words as he continued, “I don’t know what I would do without you by my side.”</p>
<p>Benji gave a small smile, looking down as he leaned against his boyfriend, his heart fluttering. He would never get enough of Victor’s kindness, or the way he spoke to Benji as if he were the only one in the world who mattered. Even after two years, Benji still got weak in the best way; he just knew how to recover from it better lately. </p>
<p>“You’re such a sap,” Benji replied with a grin, cradling Victor’s face in his hands as he stood on his toes a bit to kiss him. “And honestly, I should be thanking you. If it weren’t for you, I… don’t know where I’d be. But probably nowhere good.”</p>
<p>Victor pressed his forehead against Benji’s, eyes closed. He felt the burden of that statement, but he was happy to carry it with Benji - together. But for now, he turned his gaze toward the door.</p>
<p>“All right… let’s get this over with,” Victor grumbled, grabbing his graduation cap and gown and leading Benji from his room. </p>
<p>Down the hall, the sound of several conversations happening at once greeted them, a cacophony of noise that Victor wished would stop, but all he could do was grin stiffly and bear it. </p>
<p>Isabel was the first to greet them bringing both Victor and Benji into a warm hug. “Ay, <em> que lindos! </em>You’re finally ready! We’ve been waiting for ages. Come on, we’re gonna start taking pictures. </p>
<p>“<em>Mami…” </em> Victor retorted, pulling his gown on to match the others. “I’m a grown man now, don’t call me cute. <em> Please </em>.”</p>
<p>“You may think you’re all grown up just because you’re eighteen and you’re off to college in the fall but you’ll always be my little boy. Remember that!” Isabel replied, wagging her finger in his face as she held the camera in her other hand.</p>
<p>Benji tried not to laugh at this exchange, but Mia didn’t hold herself back as she approached, knocking Victor in the arm before giving him and Benji hugs, too. After the fallout from the events of Victor’s first Spring Fling at Creekwood, and after Mia got into a relationship with Andrew, somehow Benji, Victor and Mia had become close friends. Mia didn’t even mind being the third wheel to them because they all did genuinely get along well. </p>
<p>“Yeah, Victor, didn’t know you had a thing about being called <em> ‘lindo’, </em> ” Mia said with a wink. “Reminds me of Adrian and how he’s always like ‘call me <em> ‘guapo’ </em>or else’!” </p>
<p>Flashing a tight-lipped smile, Victor retreated beside Felix without saying much else; his other best friend greeted him and draped an arm across his shoulders in an almost violently excited manner, his gangly limbs making him look like a vine growing up Victor’s side.</p>
<p>“What’s up with him?” Mia asked Benji, nudging him as she ever so slightly jutted her chin in Victor’s direction, trying not to be so obvious. </p>
<p>“Just pre-graduation jitters,” Benji replied, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watched Lake and Felix all but smother Victor between them, giving his boyfriend a small smile. “Don’t let me keep you.”</p>
<p>Mia shook her head as Benji pushed her into the pile with their friends and she took her spot next to Andrew. Isabel was a bit <em> too </em>enthusiastic to photograph them all, even dragging Benji in with his friends because hell, even though Benji had already graduated, it never hurt to have a few photos of her future son-in-law. He stood next to Victor, arm hooked onto his boyfriend in the way that felt so natural to them. </p>
<p>Pilar looked on, rolling her eyes with her arms crossed over her chest in her long, black dress, but she chuckled at them all nonetheless. She would miss these events once her big brother went off to college. Adrian has sought refuge in his room away from all the adults, pulled into the 20th unboxing video of the night until his parents dragged him out of the house. </p>
<p>Once the photo op was over, they all separated to make their way to Creekwood for the ceremony. In the usual Salazar fashion, Isabel created signs for her and Armando to hold up at the ceremony (“There’s nothing in the rule book that says I can’t bring a sign to graduation, so it’s happening whether you like it or not!” she exclaimed at the very suggestion from her husband that it might be a bit much for the occasion). </p>
<p>The Salazars and Benji sat together in the audience as Victor, Felix, Mia, Lake and Andrew all joined the rest of their classmates in the sea of caps and gowns. Fireflies began to flit about, lighting up the football field as night fell and the ceremony began. </p>
<p>Victor sat in his seat, leg bouncing up and down as he tried to pay attention to the various speeches from staff members and the valedictorian, but he found that he forgot every word that had been said as soon as they entered the air, his mind blanking entirely. He’s had so much time to mentally prepare for the future, but the thought of being out of high school and suddenly out in the real world had his blood bursting through his veins at an inhuman speed and he thought that if he stopped moving his leg around, the pressure that built up in him would make him explode. Sweat made his shirt stick to his back, and he wanted to rip his blazer off right then and there.</p>
<p>He hadn’t even heard his name being called, the ringing in his ears blocking it out. One of his classmates nudged him and pushed him toward the stage and he let his body carry him, autopilot switching on immediately. As he glided across the stage, his spirit exiting his body and gazing out at the crowd and honing in on where his family sat, he saw Benji give him a look, eyebrows knit together before he cast his eyes down.</p>
<p>As Victor returned to his seat, heart about to fly out of him, his dissociation continued. It wouldn’t end until after the ceremony when he met his family again and they all pulled him into a hug to congratulate him, anchoring him back to earth. When he came to, he felt the familiar weight of Benji on his arm and he felt calmer. He still couldn’t believe he was finally free.</p>
<p>The group from earlier in the night which included Benji and the Salazars, Mia and Andrew and their families, as well as Lake and Felix and co., all made their way back home, dancing on the sidewalk in celebration, but Victor kept to himself, not making much of an attempt to participate in the festivities. Benji eyed him but said nothing; now wasn’t a good time to talk. There were too many ears close by.</p>
<p>Upon returning home, Isabel and Armando ushered everyone inside and told them to help themselves to some food. They popped some sparkling wine and toasted to the new graduates before leaving them all to their own devices. Victor mingled with his friends and their families, putting on his most charming facade in an attempt to fool them into thinking he hadn’t completely lost his mind while walking at graduation.</p>
<p>While the night was still unwinding, Victor could feel the unease within him growing again. There were too many people, it was too loud, and he wished they would all get out of his house so he could finally have some peace. Once he found a lull in the conversation with Mia and Veronica, Victor excused himself and slipped out the door and into the night.</p>
<p>Raising his eyes to the sky, Victor exhaled, squinting at the faint little holes in the sky that were washed out by Atlanta’s light pollution. He found himself thinking about what lay beyond those tiny specks of light in the universe, about how quickly they were all accelerating both away and toward each other as the entire universe danced about until it eventually collapsed into itself and snuffed out all life that had ever existed, returning to nothing once more. He thought about how he wasn’t even sure if there was actually a god, as those times he’d struggled and asked for help, those pleas going unanswered. But most of all, he thought about how alone he felt, a lone pillar looking out into the vast expanse of space, seemingly connected to those around him in a web - his family, his friends… the love of his life and all other lives… <em> Benji. </em>All but pieces of fleeting moments in his life that would eventually turn to dust with the cruel intervention of Time.</p>
<p>His heart continued to speed up as his thoughts drifted to what he tried not to think about most of the time. He was usually too distracted by school, basketball, socializing to think beyond the superficial and material realities of the world. But now he had time. Too much of it for the task of figuring out what he actually wanted his future to look like.</p>
<p>The fist in his chest squeezed his heart harder as he put out his hand to rest on the side of a tree before he passed out. He swallowed, leaning against the rough bark and not reacting when the fabric of his suit’s blazer caught on the surface, pulling out a thread. </p>
<p><em> How ironic… </em>he thought, staring at the thread in the light of a street lamp as it frayed. He pulled at it and watched as the point where it connected to the jacket bunched up. If he didn’t stop, it would be ruined. Just from that one thread. </p>
<p>
  <em> Just one thread…</em>
</p>
<p>There was something comforting about that thought. Maybe it was just another way for him to try to put meaning to something insignificant. But he didn’t care. He could feel his heart slowing down.</p>
<p>Behind him, the door to Victor’s apartment opened. Benji stepped outside, closing the door behind him and sliding his hands into his pockets as he chewed on his lip. Noticing his boyfriend up ahead staring off into space, Benji paused. Victor didn’t react, instead continuing as if he was lost in thought. </p>
<p>Running a hand through his hair, Benji slowed his steps. He wanted to turn around and act like he hadn’t been out there with the intent to talk to his boyfriend. It would be so much easier. But he knew he had to do this. </p>
<p>“Victor.”</p>
<p>No response.</p>
<p>“<em>Victor!”</em></p>
<p>Jumping, Victor turned around. His reverie had been destroyed. He cleared his throat.</p>
<p>“What’s up?” Victor asked, voice soft. His face immediately softened, too. There was something about seeing Benji that put him more at ease. That is, until he saw what had been written in his boyfriend’s expression. Victor couldn’t read it. </p>
<p>Eyes wide and glassy, Benji let his gaze wander to everything but Victor’s face. His lips were pressed tightly together into a line, with one side a bit raised, as if he didn’t know what to allow his mouth to do.</p>
<p>“I… need to talk to you about something.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Revelation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Benji tells Victor what’s on his mind.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, here’s another chapter. It’s definitely interesting writing something more toned down (in some ways at least) that deals more with the emotional aspect of a relationship and it’s a fun challenge for me to hold myself back from the physical stuff. Anyway, enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clenching and unclenching his jaw, Victor approached Benji, taking the other boy’s hands in his own. When Benji flinched, Victor leaned down, searching his boyfriend’s face.</p><p>“Do you wanna go somewhere else?” Victor asked, smoothing down Benji’s hair before tipping his face up. He just wanted the other boy to look at him. The fact that Benji was avoiding his eyes made his stomach feel like a lone ship at sea in the midst of a hurricane.</p><p>“Okay,” Benji replied, “where do you wanna go?”</p><p>Victor glanced at the door to his apartment, listening to the sounds of music and people chatting pouring out from within. He didn’t want to be outside there in the open, and he also didn’t want to go back inside for fear of being overheard, too. </p><p>“Mm… let’s go to the park,” Victor suggested, lacing his fingers with Benji’s and leading them down the road to the park.</p><p>They walked wordlessly, which would normally be comfortable, but now, with Victor feeling Benji’s heart beating in the back of his hand, fast as a hummingbird’s, he knew this was something serious. Hell, he would have liked it better if Benji had just told him “we need to talk” because at least he would know what to expect. Their hands hung leaden between them mimicking their silence, and Victor’s legs pulled him toward the park fast, Benji taking extra paces to keep up, so they could finally get this over with.</p><p>Once they arrived in the park, alone aside from the cicadas, taking refuge on a bench beneath a tree. The only light came from the black street lamps interspersed every few feet, which made them look like floating orbs.</p><p>Giving Benji some space, Victor sat a bit away from his boyfriend, resting his hand on his leg as a means of letting him know that he was listening.</p><p>“What did you want to tell me?” Victor’s voice was even until the end when it decided to betray him and crack. He cleared his throat.</p><p>Benji was silent for a moment, digging his nails into the heel of his other hand as he bit his lip. He sighed. Better to just spit it out.</p><p>“I know I should have kept you in the loop more,” Benji began, looking at his hands. “You’ve been so supportive about all my decisions so it’s kinda unfair to you.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor scooted a bit closer to Benji on the bench. “I’m sure you had your reasons. And you’re telling me now, so that’s something, don’t you think?”</p><p>Nodding, Benji continued. “So you know how I was applying to music programs at the colleges nearby so I could start in September? I… didn’t tell you the whole truth about that. There’s more to it. I mean, I’m still going to college, don’t get me wrong. Just… not in Georgia.”</p><p>Victor could hear his pulse in his ears starting up again. He didn’t know if he liked where this was going. “Where else did you apply?”</p><p>“New York, LA… and London,” Benji said, exhaling. “I just found out today that I got accepted to the Royal Academy of Music in London and I was able to get a scholarship, too. It’s one of the best music schools in the world. But I didn’t want to make this day about me, because we’re supposed to be celebrating you graduating.”</p><p>“That’s amazing!” Victor exclaimed, his lip curling up on one side as he pulled Benji into a hug, kissing him deeply. “Congrats, B. You deserve it.”</p><p>Looking less than thrilled when Victor pulled away from him with a smile, Benji finally took the risk and raised his eyes to Victor’s. Damn him for being such a perfect and supportive boyfriend. “Did you not hear that I’m gonna be across the ocean in <em> London? </em>That means we won’t be able to see each other. Except maybe over the holidays. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford a lot of trips back stateside.”</p><p>“I know it sounds like a lot, and we’ll definitely miss each other. I mean, I know I’ll miss you so much,” Victor replied, pressing his lips together as he tried not to smile too widely. He wished Benji would have more faith in himself. “But this is such a great opportunity and I’m so proud of you. I can’t wait to brag about it to everyone I meet.”</p><p>Rolling his eyes at that, Benji finally felt his face light up a bit. It felt good to finally tell Victor, but the voice in the back of his mind continued to eat away at him in the background. He knew that once he no longer had Victor to distract him, the voice would become louder again. </p><p>“I’m still… really anxious about it, though,” Benji admitted, as Victor tucked a lock of stray hair behind his ear. “I’ve never been out of the country or just… on my own. And like… what if I flunk out? What if I’m not good enough?”</p><p><em> And what if you find someone else? </em>Benji thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.</p><p>“Shhh…” Victor hushed him, resting a finger on Benji’s lips. Somehow it was easier to deal with his boyfriend’s worries than his own demons. “You clearly impressed them enough to get in, so that’s most of the battle. As long as you do your best, that’s all that matters. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”</p><p>Benji blushed, a small smile playing at his lips. God he didn’t deserve someone so perfect. He took the bait anyway; he’d never tire of Victor complimenting him, because he never had to doubt if he was being sincere. </p><p>“How’s that?” Benji asked, sidling closer to Victor so that their hips properly touched. </p><p>“Hold on, lemme get my list out,” Victor replied, taking out a full notebook from his pocket. He opened up to the first page, pretending to read. “Not only is my boyfriend super handsome <em> and </em>adorable - and that’s an objective fact, too, might I add - but he’s also super sweet, helpful, loyal, has beautiful eyes -“</p><p>“Why are you making me sound like a golden retriever?” Benji interjected with a laugh, leaning his head on Victor’s shoulder as his boyfriend rattled off his imaginary list.</p><p>“I can’t help it that ya’ll have that in common, okay? If the shoe fits!”</p><p>Victor erupted into a fit of giggles as he draped an arm around Benji’s shoulder, savoring the contact between them. The tension from earlier that had created a wall between them had dissipated, crumbled to the earth, and they felt closer than ever as they sat in each other’s arms gazing off at the trees that rustled in the dark with the gentle kiss of a breeze.</p><p>“We still have a lot of time before school starts up again,” Victor broke the now comfortable silence. “I think that gives us more motivation to actually make time for each other. And once you leave we can always FaceTime. It’ll be like I’m right there with you.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right,” Benji replied, smiling a bit despite himself. He didn’t want to think about making the move, even though he should be excited about it. People would kill to be in his position. “I’m so lucky to have you and to have the chance to chase my dreams.”</p><p>“Exactly. Plus, it’s only temporary. Once you graduate you can always come back.”</p><p>Pursing his lips, Benji thought about it. Three years wasn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.</p><p>“Or… you might like it so much that you won’t want to come back. But then I can come to you to visit… or move there. And you can show me around to all your favorite places. That would be so dope,” Victor continued his thought, squeezing Benji’s shoulder. He punctuated with a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.</p><p>“But you can’t just up and leave your life here,” Benji retorted, sitting up straighter and looking Victor in the eye. “I can’t let you do that for me.”</p><p>Cupping Benji’s face in his hands as if he were a precious jewel, Victor looked at him, eyes twinkling from the street lamp next to them. He looked at him the way he looked at the moon, the sky, when he thought of the vastness of the universe. He looked at him like he was looking at his destiny - and he was. </p><p>“You know I’d follow you anywhere, right?” Victor asked, voice soft and barely rising above the sound of the leaves dancing in the wind. </p><p>Eyes fluttering closed, Benji felt his chest tighten, pulling the breath right out of him as he melted. </p><p>“I’m serious,” Victor reassured him, kissing each of his eyelids in turn. “I want you to know that you’re worth it.”</p><p>Fuck, he was so in love with this man, Benji realized, melting once more, his body feeling like it was turning into a sentient pile of jelly. The way Victor was staring at him, as if the words he spoke were nothing but pure, unbridled, unfiltered truth - Benji couldn’t help but swoon. </p><p>“Thank you,” was all Benji could say. He didn’t know how to respond to his boyfriend’s earnestness. But deep in the recesses of his mind, he wished he would believe in himself the way Victor did. </p><p>The familiar jingle of Victor’s cellphone interrupted their moment. Groaning and taking his time, Victor glanced at the caller ID and scoffed as he answered.</p><p>“Hey, <em> Mami,"</em>  Victor said. “We went to the park but we’ll be back in a few minutes. Yes don’t worry, we left room for cake. Love you.”</p><p>He hung up and pocketed his phone again before peeling himself off the bench and holding out his hands to Benji to pull him up to his feet as well. Thinking of the commotion back at home made him not want to go back, but he knew he had to. </p><p>Benji slipped his hand into Victor’s and they made their way back to the apartment, the day’s weight seeming to float just above their heads.</p><p>When they arrived, the party had quieted down ever so slightly, but not by much. He knew his family’s proclivity for throwing ragers and tonight was no exception. But now that Victor was up to speed on what was going on in Benji’s mind, he felt a bit more at ease while simultaneously trying to suppress his own inner voice from making him feel even worse. The balancing act was like a boulder on his shoulders; one look at Benji told him he was feeling the same. They could expect some obnoxious-looking eye bags tomorrow morning.</p><p>After eating some cake as promised, Victor made something up about Benji not feeling well and said goodnight to everyone before they slipped away to Victor’s room so they could finally be in peace; Isabel gave them a knowing look but allowed it. The sounds of life outside of the four walls were muffled and Victor felt like he could breathe. He was back in familiar territory. Locking the door behind them, Victor let his back drop against it.</p><p>“I thought I’d never get away from all that,” Victor announced, pulling his blazer off him, wrinkling his nose as it stuck to his arms. “I’m exhausted.”</p><p>“Me, too,” Benji sighed, depositing his own blazer, which he folded neatly, on one of Victor’s cabinets. “Are you sure we aren’t secretly 90 years old?”</p><p>Grinning, Victor unbuttoned his shirt. “Could a 90 year old man do this?” </p><p>As he said this, Victor crept over to Benji, who was mid-way through removing his trousers, and set one hand under Benji’s thighs and one under his waist, lifting him up bridal-style. He had definitely miscalculated his boyfriend’s center of gravity, however, tripping over his own feet and landing them on Victor’s bed as they knocked their foreheads together - <em> hard </em>.</p><p>“<em>Ow! </em>What the hell is wrong with you?” Benji shouted, rubbing the spontaneously generated bruise right in the middle of his eyes.</p><p>“I was trying to be smooth!” Victor replied, hissing as he touched his own bruised head. Eighteen years of life still hadn’t given him some much-needed common sense, it seemed. </p><p>They burst out laughing at each other as they finished removing the rest of their sweaty clothes, putting them aside to deal with tomorrow. Once they had stripped down to their underwear, they slid under the covers of Victor’s bed, bare shoulders pressed together.</p><p>“Y’know, I’m really gonna miss this,” Benji said, staring up at the ceiling in the dark. “Just… goofing off with you. And being in the same bed… cuddling…”</p><p>Victor rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his hand. He felt around in the dark for Benji’s face, smacking him in the noise and chin before settling on his cheek. Benji’s skin was mostly smooth, but a little bit of stubble scratched against his thumb as he drew little designs on his boyfriend’s face. Victor smiled.</p><p>“Then let’s start making up for it now,” Victor suggested. </p><p>Benji tipped his head to the side, lips connecting with Victor’s easily like the opposing pole of a magnet. When he pulled away he turned onto his side, sliding so that Victor’s chest pressed against his back. Benji took his boyfriend’s arm and draped it over his side, intertwining their fingers as they whispered their “Love you, g’night”s to each other. </p><p>He could feel Victor’s clothed, stiff dick against his thigh, and the thought of Victor’s desire for him made him hard, too. But neither of them did anything about it. Not tonight. That was for another time. They were content instead to simply lie together, breathing in unison, their hearts beating as one. </p><p>The sounds of life outside the room slipped away and with that, so did their consciousness. Tomorrow was another day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for reading. As always, looking forward to hearing what you think about this and of any reflections you might have. I’m excited to do more of a character study of Benji because he’s so fascinating. Anyway, see you next update. ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Confirmation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Isabel gets in the loop; Victor writes to Simon.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a></p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again, hope you’re well. I had a lot of fun writing Isabel and her relationship with Victor and Benji and I hope you enjoy their interactions. Aside from cheating In her husband, I think Isabel is a pretty nice lady. Because I’m writing on the fly anything can happen so I hope you like the new developments. Anyway, enjoy! 😇</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Somehow they had managed to stay in the same position for the entire night, pressed together and not shifting from the position until the golden rays of sunshine filtered in through the windows. Victor hadn’t realized how tense he was again, this time from holding onto Benji as tightly as he could for as long as possible. But he knew he couldn’t do that, as much as he wanted to. He buried his face in Benji’s hair for a moment, appreciating the softness and the fact that it still smelled slightly of spice.</p><p>Sighing, Victor tried his best to be quiet as he removed himself from Benji, albeit reluctantly, lying on his back and reaching for his phone. He watched the rhythmic rising and falling of Benji’s back as he slept for a moment before opening up his Instagram and going to his inbox, where he had gone countless times before and will probably continue until one of them dies.</p><p>
  <em> Dear Simon, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I can’t believe I graduated yesterday. This whole experience has been so surreal, that I still sometimes forget that I’m finally a free man. Well, for the next few months at least.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Anyway, first off, I wanted to thank you so much for the years that you’ve kept in contact with me, your guidance and support has always been so helpful. If it weren’t for you, I would probably still be a sad, repressed gay kid who kept myself in the closet, living the life I wasn’t meant to live. Even though I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times, thank you for helping me in the project of becoming myself and for being my gay Sherpa (and also for just being my friend). 😇❤️ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The real order of business, though, is that I found out some unexpected news. Benji decided to apply to some music schools abroad, and he got into a really prestigious one in London. I’m so proud of him for that. But he seems worried about the whole ordeal and about going away to be on his own. I want to support him as much as I can, but I’m going to miss him a lot, too. I don’t want to stand between him and his dreams, but I’m afraid of what will happen when we’re apart. Have you and Bram ever had to deal with being long-distance? It sounds like something that requires a lot of work. I just hope that we can get through this together. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Thanks for reading. Hoping you and Bram and the rest of the gang are doing well. Let me know when Benji and I can come visit ya’ll, or when you’ll be in town. </em>
</p><p><em> Love,<br/>
</em> <em> Victor </em></p><p>Victor put his phone aside, trying his best not to make any noise. It was still too early to be up and about, but Victor found the prospect of sleeping to be a futile ordeal at this point.</p><p>Slithering out of his bed one inch at a time, Victor glanced repeatedly over at Benji to ensure that he hadn’t disturbed him with his moving around. When he saw he was in the clear, Victor threw on a t-shirt and some jeans; he didn’t care how he looked today. Once he was dressed, he kissed Benji on the forehead before tip-toeing out the door and closing the door behind him; he bit his lip in concentration as he tried to turn the doorknob without letting it click too loudly. He hoped he was successful in not waking Benji, because he knew his boyfriend needed the extra sleep more than he let on.</p><p>He padded down the hallway to see his mom already awake, sitting at the kitchen table reading a coupon catalogue. The apartment was a bit of a mess from the previous night, but it was too early to address that.</p><p>“Mornin’, <em> Mami, </em>” Victor greeted her, covering his mouth as he yawned. “You’re up early.”</p><p>“G’mornin’, <em> papi, </em>” Isabel replied, looking up from her catalogue with a smile. “We partied til like 4 in the morning so I was too buzzed to sleep properly. I didn’t know Veronica had moves like that… But it seems like you and Benji had a lot on your minds.”</p><p>Shaking his head, Victor wondered how his mom had so much energy at her age. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to her. “Actually I wanted to talk to you about that…”</p><p>Isabel furrowed her brows, looking at him over the top of her glasses. “What’s wrong, <em> mi amor </em>?”</p><p>“Uhh, well it’s not really that something’s wrong, because it’s actually good news. Benji got into a really great music school, but it’s in London. I’m happy for him but I hope we can make the long distance thing work,” Victor explained, playing with the hem of his shirt and letting his leg bounce up and down.</p><p>Victor gave a tight-lipped smile as Isabel seemed to study him. She took one of his hands in her own. “<em> Mijo, </em>first off, that’s amazing. And I know it seems like it might be hard. I mean, look at your father and I. We’re still separated after two years but maybe if we had the chance to be apart for a bit when we were younger, we would have figured out who were sooner, and could have saved us all from that mess. As I’ve said, sometimes you need time to be apart and to grow on your own. But if your love is strong enough and if God wills it, it will happen. You just need to be patient.”</p><p>Thinking on her words, Victor nodded. “Patience was never my strong suit.”</p><p>“Sometimes, God tests us to force us to examine ourselves. Maybe he’s just telling you that it’s time to work on what skill again,” Isabel said gently, running her thumb along Victor’s knuckles. “Plus, you two will be so busy you probably wouldn’t have time to see each other as much even if you went to the same college.”</p><p>Victor didn’t know if there was truly anyone out there looking out for him, but he took comfort with the idea that maybe, the universe itself would make things happen. All he could do was trust that things would work out. At least he would still have his family and Mia and Felix and new potential college friends to look out for him. Maybe he could manage it.</p><p>The realization about Time - that hit him differently. He hadn’t even thought of the difference in time zones.</p><p>Withdrawing his phone from his pocket, Victor checked the world clock. It was 7 am, which meant that it was noon in London. Okay, five hours. That wasn’t so bad.</p><p>
  <em> But what if he doesn’t have time to talk to you then? What if he has other plans?  </em>
</p><p>His hand tensed, and Isabel felt it. “Hey, what are you typing so furiously on that thing?”</p><p>Snatching his phone from his hand, Isabel held it before her and pushed her glasses up her nose. </p><p>“Hey, give it back!” Victor exclaimed, but Isabel held her finger up.</p><p>“You needed the calculator to do twelve minus seven?” she deadpanned. “I thought you got an A in calculus. How did you pull that off?”</p><p>“<em>Mom! </em>” Victor replied, smacking himself in the forehead. “I just wanted to figure out the time difference between here and London and I’m tired so my brain isn’t working right now!”</p><p>“How are you tired? You slept seven hours!”</p><p>“I don’t know but I’m still-“</p><p>They were interrupted by Benji popping in from the hallway, dressed in a fresh one of his signature band tees and ripped jeans, courtesy of the nook in Victor’s closet devoted to a little stack of clothes for him to wear. </p><p>“Mornin’,” Benji said, holding his hand up in greeting. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”</p><p>A duet of “G’morning”s came from Isabel and Victor as Benji leaned down to kiss his boyfriend before sliding over to sit next to him at the table. </p><p>“Not at all, <em> mijito. </em>Victor was just telling me the good news,” Isabel replied, her voice warm. “Congratulations! We should do something to celebrate.”</p><p>Blushing a bit at Isabel calling him <em> mijito, </em> Benji smiled a bit to himself. He was just finally getting used to how welcoming she and Armando had been and how they treated him like their own son. But he also didn’t want for them to make such a big deal of this whole thing. Isabel was already taking this better than Benji’s <em> own </em>mother, he realized.</p><p>“Actually…” Victor cut in, taking Benji by the hand, “we were gonna do something later to celebrate, just the two of us. Hope that’s all right.”</p><p>“Ah, I see. All right. Have fun you two!” Isabel said, giving Victor’s phone back to him. “I’m gonna make some breakfast now so I hope you boys are hungry. Oh, and it looks like you got a message from Simon. You better answer it quickly! I want to know if I can let him borrow you two for a few days.”</p><p>When Isabel folded her catalogue, removed her glasses and got up to make them breakfast, Benji whispered a small “thank you” to Victor. </p><p>“<em>It’s all good, </em>” Victor whispered back.</p><p>“What did you wanna do tonight?” Benji asked, eyeing Victor’s phone. </p><p>“Mm… You know that Japanese place by the mall? The one that you always sigh about because it’s too expensive?” Victor said with a sly grin as he wiggled his eyebrows. “Let’s go there. Obviously, it’s my treat.”</p><p>“Victor… you don’t need to-“</p><p>“No, I <em> want </em>to. Seriously. One fancy meal won’t break the bank,” Victor reassured him, kissing the back of Benji’s hand, his heart fluttering. </p><p>“Benji, just take the… what is it the kids call it these days? The W?” Isabel interjected, making it obvious that she was eavesdropping.  </p><p>Covering their faces with their hands, Victor and Benji couldn’t help but laugh, their faces reddening. Sometimes they really needed to be more aware of their surroundings. </p><p>“Okay, okay. It’s a date, then,” Benji said with a small smile and a roll of his eyes. “Now that that’s out of the way, what did Simon say? Oh, that rhymed. Must be my inner poet coming out again.”</p><p>Chuckling, Victor shook his head and opened the message from Simon. “I told him about you studying in London and asked him about how to handle long-distance and such. And also when he’s free for a visit, of course.”</p><p>“I wonder if he upgraded his apartment again. Really not wanting to borrow someone’s bed again, that was super awkward,” Benji said with a grin. “Can you read it out loud?”</p><p>Eyeing his mother and then shrugging, Victor read what Simon had written in response:</p><p>“<em>Dear Victor, </em></p><p>
  <em> First of all, congratulations on finally graduating! I know it might seem really exciting and scary at the same time, you’ll find that being an adult and being out on your own is actually really great. And I’m really happy I was able to be there for you to help you along the way. Bram and I are thrilled to have watched you grow into a capable young man (wow that makes me sound so old when I say it but it’s true). As your adopted dads, we’re honored to know you!  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Also, congrats to Benji for getting the opportunity to study abroad! I wish I had done that, because I’ve heard it’s a really worthwhile experience. Getting a chance to see the world when you’re young is a really valuable way to learn more about the world and about your place in it, so I hope Benji makes the most of it!” </em>
</p><p>At this point Victor paused, glancing at Benji with a sparkle in his eyes as he poked his boyfriend in the shoulder. Benji wiped the corners of his own eyes and nudged Victor to continue, a small smile tugging at his lips. Victor continued.</p><p>
  <em> “As for advice on handling long-distance, and this is coming from Kim, whose partner lives in Japan now, is this: try to set specific times to be in touch, and communicate as much as possible when you have downtime! I know it might be difficult at first, but scheduling really helps. Checking in daily and sending each other little things that remind you of the other, like pictures of dogs wearing clothes and memes, will help you stay connected. If you let things go without speaking regularly and don’t update each other about your lives, you run the risk of becoming strangers to each other. Hope that helps. ❤️ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’d be happy to host you and Benji at Bram’s and my new address (yep, we moved again) in the coming week. How does next Friday sound? If that’s fine, I’ll see you then. And pack for a week! I’ll send you the new address details later. 💁🏻 </em>
</p><p><em> Love,<br/>
</em> <em> Simon” </em></p><p><em> “ </em>That Simon is a wise young man,” Isabel said as-a-matter-of-factly. She set a plate of pancakes, eggs and bacon on the table before sitting down. Victor already had his browser open to look for bus tickets to go to New York. Isabel swatted at him. “You can handle the travel arrangements after you eat. It’s gonna get cold.”</p><p>Grumbling, Victor complied, pocketing his phone for the moment. He piled some food on his plate in a mound. As the trio ate, they chatted idly, and Benji thought about how much he would miss just doing something as simple as eating a meal with people he cared about. </p><p>Once they had eaten and cleaned up, Benji and Victor plopped down on the couch on their phones, ready to get down to business to book their travel and arrange their work schedule at Brasstown. Because Benji had worked there long enough to be promoted to general manager (and to have full control of scheduling shifts now that Sarah was the franchise owner), he was able to rearrange their shifts to give them the week off for when they went to New York. </p><p>Finally, Victor sent a follow-up message to Simon to confirm that they would be there on Friday, and they were all set. </p><p>They spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games together, and Victor had finally gotten to the point where he and Benji were almost evenly matched at Smash Bros. Benji had taught his boyfriend well. Pilar joined them a bit later, and the three of them and kicked both of their asses. Victor and Benji both forked over 20 bucks to the queen. </p><p>When evening fell upon the town, casting down its dark blanket, Victor and Benji decided to get ready for their date. They showered (together, in order to save water, obviously; they may have gotten a bit side-tracked thanks to each other’s lips), and swapped their around-the-house clothes for something a bit more sophisticated. </p><p>Victor opted for business-casual, donning a crisp burgundy button-up and rolling up his sleeves to the elbow. He tucked his shirt into a pair of black slacks, finishing off the look with black and burgundy Air Jordans. After fixing up his hair, he put on some cologne and was ready to go.</p><p>Meanwhile, Benji chose something a bit edgier but just as elegant: a soft, fitted black shirt that showed off just the right amount of muscle tone with the top two buttons undone, tight black jeans with zippers and buckled up the sides, and black boots with a bit of a heel and platform so he and Victor could see eye-to-eye. He slicked his hair back with a bit of gel and finger-gunned in the mirror, making Victor burst out laughing. </p><p>With a quick “Benedición, <em> Mami</em>” to Isabel, Victor and Benji slipped out the door, swinging their laced hands back and forth.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed this installment. I wanted the buildup to Benji leaving to be as fluffy and romantic and fun as possible so I hope that came through. Anyway, appreciate your feedback and support as always so drop a comment below to let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Possession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji go on a date; they run into an old friend.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, hope you’ve been well. I’m coming to you with another update, and I know it’s a bit later than usual but I had to work through a migraine. Things are staring to get a bit wild so hold onto your shorts! Also, I wonder if you’ll be able to spot a little Easter egg that’s a reference to my previous story, Third Time’s the Charm?  Anyway, enjoy! ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They walked down the sidewalk hand-in-hand, as had long become comfortable for them. People had either stopped giving a shit about their public displays of affection, or the couple had simply stopped noticing any rustled homophobes lying in wait to find something to be upset about. And they no longer gripped at each other tighter, trying to be less conspicuous whenever someone walked by; it was a much more peaceful walk than it would have been at this same time two years ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun had, in its usual fashion, begun its descent, cooling down the warm earth with its departure. As the two wandered through the park on a shortcut, they watched as occasional groups of people filtered through, chatting amongst themselves before disappearing out of view. Crickets and cicadas chirped around them, providing a calming soundtrack to cool their pre-date nerves. It seemed that no matter how many dates they went on, each time felt like the first time, and they hoped that this feeling would last as long as possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they approached the facade of the restaurant, Benji paused their stride. He furrowed his brow. Something felt… off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Victor asked, searching Benji’s face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm… you know that feeling you get when… uh, it’s hard to explain. But basically I feel like something bad is gonna happen if we go in there,” Benji said, his tone serious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frowning, Victor held Benji’s hand with both of his own. “Do you wanna go somewhere else, B?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji glanced inside the restaurant, eyes scanning the current inhabitants. While the place wasn’t packed, there were enough people to give an air of exclusivity. Nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be going on - some were busy enjoying their meals or chatting with their seat mates and having a laugh. Benji scratched the back of his head, feeling silly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what I’m so worried about,” Benji sighed, wiping the sweat from his forehead. “I think I’m just on edge because of all that’s happening and it’s making me worry about nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Victor reassured him. “Sometimes I have weird feelings about things that also turn out to be just my brain being a dumbass. Like remember that time when I tried scallops for the first time and I thought they were gonna poison me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grinning, Benji rolled his eyes. “I was so proud of you for that, though. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And </span>
  </em>
  <span>you did a great job not dying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww, thanks, babe,” Victor said, kissing Benji on the cheek. He looked at Benji with warm, understanding eyes that sparkled like little pools reflecting starlight. “So what do you wanna do? We can go here or find another place if it’ll be more comfortable for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, I’m okay,” Benji breathed, squeezing Victor’s hand and smiling softly. “Thanks for putting up with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I care about you, you’re not burdening me or anything, all right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wrapping his arms around Victor’s back, Benji pressed himself against his boyfriend’s chest, holding onto him. Victor returned the hug, engulfing Benji, resting his large hands on the back of each of the other boy’s shoulders. They swayed a bit as Victor kissed Benji’s forehead for good measure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All right let’s do this. I’ve been thinking about this food all day,” Benji said, untangling himself from the pile of limbs and grabbing Victor by the wrist to lead him inside. </span>
</p><p>When they entered the restaurant, they were struck by the sleek and polished yet simple decor. There were a handful of plain, square walnut wood tables with soft black leather armchairs of either two or four per table set up in an open floor plan. The walls were made of dark brown stucco with labyrinthine black screens to separate the kitchen from the rest of the establishment. Finally, the ceiling was composed of cherry wood arranged together like a puzzle, with small, dim ceiling lights leaving the area only partially illuminated. Soft wind instrumental music played in the background, giving a relaxing ambiance. </p><p>
  <span>Despite the spontaneity of their date, Victor had still called ahead to make a reservation (he never could be too sure that they would have availability). The host guided them to their table, which was by the window and felt a bit more secluded from the rest of the tables and thus was cozier, but it still gave them a good view of everything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat down and ordered some water along with some green tea as a means of soothing Benji’s nerves. When they opened the menu to examine their food options, Victor felt himself go pale. </span>
</p><p>“Is that… a four with a dot before the zero?” Victor asked, holding the menu up to his face and blinking a few times. “Like… four dollars?”</p><p>
  <span>“Uhh, no, I’m pretty sure that says ‘forty’,” Benji replied, the ghost of a smile on his lips. “But we don’t have to get that, we can get something else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no, no,” Victor responded quickly, waving his hands in front of him. “Don’t look at the prices, it’s on me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji narrowed his eyes at Victor as he closed his menu, deciding on a bento which included several foods he had never tried before, and set it aside. He didn’t choose the most expensive option but nor did he choose the cheapest item, either, because he knew Victor’s pride wouldn’t allow for him to skimp on it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor furrowed his brows, deciding on something a bit cheaper - a bowl of tonkotsu - because he couldn’t, in good conscience, bring himself to spend all that money on a meal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they gave their orders, Victor took one of the little porcelain teacups and tapped it gently against the side of Benji’s. “I wanted to make a toast to you, B. Congrats on making it into the school of your dreams. You’re gonna do great things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cheeks reddening, Benji mumbled a “thank you” and sipped from his cup as Victor did the same. He leaned across the table to kiss him when he froze in place, eyes focusing on something behind Victor’s head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t turn around,” Benji whispered, trying to duck behind Victor inconspicuously. He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing, as his expression fell, eyebrows knitting together, face pale. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stare boring into Benji, Victor grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, and Benji squeezed it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Trusting Benji and trying not to be obvious, Victor turned his head ever so slightly to the side, following Benji’s gaze through the corner of his eye to across the restaurant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few tables away, the face of someone who Benji thought he would never see again came into view. It was his ex, Derek, who was with a guy who looked like a dollar store knock-off version of Benji. He had the same soft, brown hair, a kind face, and looked like he worked out; the similarities were too obvious to ignore. And when Benji saw them, he wanted to slip back out the door, never to be seen again. But for now he stayed put.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his efforts, Benji’s attempt to hide had not gone unnoticed. From across the room, Derek smirked as he leaned down to kiss who Benji assumed to be his boyfriend, his eyes staying open as he stared across the room in Benji’s direction, as if he had x-ray vision and could see directly through Victor’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they had broken up, Benji had done the mature thing and not only blocked Derek on all social media accounts and forms of contact, but had also gone out of his way to avoid him if he could. This meant leaving the Sticky Beaks and changing his work schedule so he wouldn’t have to see him. Luckily, Derek had been at university and so he didn’t frequent the area anymore aside from for the summer holidays. But now that he had graduated (or at least he should have if he had passed all his classes each semester), he was back in Atlanta again. </span>
</p><p>It had been easier to get over Derek than it was to forget about their relationship. Benji didn’t love Derek anymore; hell, he didn’t think he ever did. At least, not in the way he loved Victor. But being with Derek was better than being alone with his thoughts, though, of course. Not seeing Derek had been a blessing and a curse, because he always expected that he would wake up from this dream where he was with Victor and be confronted with Derek’s presence once again. He always expected to see his ex around and even after all those years of being cut off from him completely, seeing him now in the flesh made Benji feel like he was being stabbed in the heart with an icicle. He hadn’t asked for this; he didn’t do anything to deserve this. Why was this perfectly good day being ruined for no good reason? Hell, he hadn’t done anything wrong!</p><p>
  <span>Before Benji could even react, Derek had his hands in his pockets, swaggering over to their table like he was some big-shot businessman trying to get him to buy into the next latest nonsense craze. Benji donned a tight-lipped smile, because it was the only thing he could do to keep himself from crying. He blinked a few times, trying to keep himself together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that who I think it is?” Derek said as he approached their table, slowing his stride. “How are you guys doing? Didn’t expect to see you in here given the… you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Derek made a vague motion with his hands before settling them on his hips. Benji raised an eyebrow as he glanced toward Victor, who gave his boyfriend the same look in return. Was he seriously trying to act like nothing had happened? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhh, hey Derek,” Benji said, his voice flat. He really didn’t want to be there. “Long time no see.”</span>
</p><p>“Y’know, I didn’t think ya’ll were gonna last more than a couple of weeks, to be honest,” Derek continued, pulling up a chair and sitting at the table with them, invading their space. He grabbed one of the appetizers on the table and ate it without a care. “I’m over it now obviously but I almost failed my finals because of ya’ll’s nonsense.”</p><p>Gritting his teeth and squeezing Victor’s hand even harder, knuckles turning white, Benji could feel his face heating up. He didn’t know why he was getting so worked up over this. It was in the past.</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t sound like you’re over it, Derek,” Victor replied, eyebrows furrowed. “And can you please stop eating </span>
  <em>
    <span>our </span>
  </em>
  <span>food?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pausing mid-chew, Derek ignored Victor and turned back to Benji again. “Still don’t know what you see in this dumbass. That’s not a man, that’s a toddler. Anyway… have fun in London.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji felt like he had been roundhouse kicked in the chest, the air leaving his lungs immediately. Not only was he pissed off that Derek had insulted his boyfriend, but now he felt himself on the verge of panic. He’d only told Victor about his college acceptance, and the only other people who knew were Simon and Isabel, and no one would have told Derek about this. Victor also took notice, his body instantly tensing at the realization. Derek’s week attempt at insulting Victor was entirely lost upon this far more significant revelation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Derek tried to get up and walk away, Benji, seeing red, clamped his hand down on Derek’s arm in an attempt to hold him in place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you know about that?” Benji asked, voice quiet, shaking slightly but calm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smirking wider, Derek shrugged him off. “I have my sources. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dinner to enjoy with my boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without thinking, Victor’s body moved before he could think as he rose from his seat, blocking Derek’s path. They stood eye to eye, although Derek had a few more pounds on Victor. But Victor worked out; he could take him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My boyfriend asked you a question,” Victor said, looking at Benji, whose eyes darted between the two. “Sounds like you’ve been stalking him this whole time, which I’m sure you know is </span>
  <em>
    <span>illegal</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what else is illegal?” Derek challenged, crossing his arms over his chest. “Trespassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does that have to do with anything?” Benji asked. Other diners in the establishment had paused and were looking on, distressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father owns this restaurant,” Derek replied, his grimey, sludgy smile growing larger as realization dawned upon Victor and Benji. “And if I wasn’t as nice a guy as I am, I could have you two escorted out of here by the police. They’re very good people, y’know. Get a bad rap in the news lately for just doing their jobs. Such a shame.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor glanced to Benji again, and this time, Benji nodded, giving his boyfriend his blessing because honestly, he didn’t want to be there anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After pulling out a stack of twenty dollar bills and setting it down on the table, Victor motioned with his chin for Benji to wait for him outside. Victor really hated that he had to do this, but sometimes it had to be done. He wanted to pay the tip for their food, at least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Derek raised an eyebrow but said nothing as Benji left. </span>
</p><p>“I’m gonna ask you again. How did you find out Benji is going to London?”</p><p>
  <span>When Derek didn’t answer, Victor made a move toward him, and Derek immediately raised his hands to protect himself, closing his eyes. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you! Just don’t hit me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine,” Victor said, lowering his fist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I bugged his phone. You happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor saw red, his fist moving on instinct this time and connecting with Derek’s jaw with a sickening </span>
  <em>
    <span>crack. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Derek doubled over, his hands flying directly to his face as blood poured from his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Victor cursed, wiping his shaking hand in one of the cloth napkins before bolting out the door and grabbing Benji by the arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They ran as quickly as their legs would carry them, and luckily, there were no sounds of anyone actually coming after them. If Derek decided to press charges, he would have to contend with some serious stalking and wiretapping allegations that, thanks to the handy dandy record function on his cellphone, Victor now had proof of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they were back at Victor’s apartment once again, they stumbled inside to see that luckily, the house was quiet. Victor wasn’t in the mood to explain that he and Benji had once again run from the cops.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since they hadn’t been able to have a proper meal, Victor heated up the leftover spaghetti and meatballs for him and Benji, and brought it to his room for them to eat in peace. They all but inhaled their food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for today,” Benji said as he set aside their plates on Victor’s nightstand. “I know that it’s probably not how you were expecting our fancy dinner to go, but I appreciate you trying to stand up for me. Even if it… uhh… might get complicated later on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking his head and clenching and unclenching his fist, Victor kissed Benji, soft and slow. “It’s a shame Derek had to ruin things for us. Now we can’t go back there ever again. And honestly I wasn’t even trying to punch him. It just sorta happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuckling, Benji leaned against Victor and rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He draped an arm around Victor’s neck. “I still wanna know how he was able to listen in on my conversations, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He bugged your phone,” Victor replied quickly. “You should probably get a new one since you’ve had the same one for like three years.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji paled, sifting up straighter. He pulled his phone from his pocket and tossed it on the bed. “How the hell did he do that?” </span>
</p><p>“Can I have a look?” </p><p>
  <span>When Benji nodded in assent, Victor took apart Benji’s phone, digging through all the nooks and crannies until he found it: a tiny, round chip next to the SIM card. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should probably hold onto it,” Benji said, eyeing the device as if it were made of lava. As much as he wanted to be rid of it, evidence was essential because Derek couldn’t be trusted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Victor placed the device into a little ziploc bag and stored it in his nightstand. They could figure out what to do with it in the morning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I may need your help putting this thing back together,” Victor admitted, looking over the pile of plastic and metal that he had created on his bed. Benji shook his head and laughed as he assisted, and in a few minutes, they had succeeded in their quest of putting Benji’s phone back together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had been sitting on Victor’s bed still in their date clothes, becoming suddenly aware of that fact now that they were no longer distracted by their ravenous hunger or the search for the bug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Examining Benji through hooded eyes, Victor tilted his head to the side as he began unbuttoning his shirt. Benji scooted closer to him, swatting his hand away and helping him instead. Their faces were mere inches from one another, only a few air molecules between them. Victor’s eyes traveled down to his lips as Benji slipped his hand inside his boyfriend’s shirt, feeling the taut muscles of his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji kissed Victor hard as the other boy wrapped his arms around Benji’s back, slipping a hand up the back of Benji’s shirt, too, before migrating to the front to undo the buttons. They peeled each other’s shirts off, tossing them in a random corner of the room to be recovered at a later date. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shoving Victor down backward on the bed, Benji sat on top of his boyfriend’s hips as Victor grinned, crossing his hands behind his head. They kissed like that, tongues and lips and teeth and skin knocking and rubbing together, until Benji, pulling off Victor’s pants, decided he wanted to thank his boyfriend properly.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and supporting once again. I had fun writing this chapter because Derek is such a smarmy jerk which for some reason is entertaining. Meanwhile I really enjoyed writing Venji being supportive and good boyfriends even if they’re doing some dumb nonsense lol. Anyway hope you enjoyed and as always looking forward to your feedback! ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Invitation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji visit Simon and Bram in New York.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a></p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a></p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, thanks for tuning in again. I wanted to give a little bit of a status update in advance. I had to change the rating on this story because this chapter has a sex scene in it. Sorry about that but unfortunately that’s how ao3 works and I don’t want to get my work removed. Regardless, I really hope you enjoy this chapter because I had fun writing it. It’s definitely a longer one but I hope it’s still engaging. Enjoy! ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had packed enough clothes in their bags for a week and had set out to the bus station in Atlanta in the morning. The bus was almost full, but Victor and Benji had managed to find a spot for them to sit together, Victor taking the window seat because he liked watching the countryside roll by. There was no one else with which Victor would rather sit through a nineteen hour bus ride to New York than with Benji. </p><p>Once they got comfortable, Benji pulled out his phone and plugged in his earbuds, offering one of them to Victor so they could listen together. He pressed play and a mashed-up pop and classic rock playlist came on. The cold air-conditioning gave them both an excuse to snuggle even closer to one another for warmth, with Benji hooking his hands around Victor’s arm and burrowing into him as he rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. And while they had no real reason to worry about anyone bothering them, they kept any further PDA to a minimum until they got to New York in one piece.</p><p>Victor had spent a few hours watching the mountains roll by with Benji snoring peacefully on Victor’s shoulder, and Victor felt his heart grow warm at the sight. He brushed some of Benji’s soft, brown hair from his face, stroking his sleep-kissed cheeks, as he glanced around the bus. Victor pressed his lips quickly to Benji’s forehead when he saw that no one was looking, wanting to savor this moment.</p><p>Just then, Victor felt his pocket vibrate. He withdrew his phone, raising an eyebrow when he saw “Mom” in the caller ID. She normally texted. </p><p>“Hey, <em> Mami, </em>” Victor said softly, eyes darting over to ensure that he wasn’t waking Benji. His boyfriend didn’t react, breath continuing on evenly as before. “What’s up?”</p><p>“I found something really interesting while going through the mail today,” Isabel said in a sing-song voice. “Looks like you’re being summoned to court on a charge for battery. Care to explain yourself?”</p><p>How good of her to be direct. Victor swallowed, rubbing his bruised hand. He had forgotten to tell his mother about that. “<em> Mami, </em>you know you’re not supposed to go through other people’s mail, right?”</p><p>“Don’t give me that nonsense, I am your <em> mother, </em> and so long as you live under my roof I can go through all the mail I want!” Isabel replied, her voice beginning to rise. “Now <em> tell me </em>what you did!”</p><p>Taking a deep breath, Victor knew he had to come clean. “Okay, okay. But it’s not as bad as it looks, I swear.”</p><p>“Not as bad— <em> ay Dios mío! </em>” Victor could tell that Isabel was smacking herself in the forehead through the phone. “You better have a really good explanation for this because I didn’t raise you to throw your fists at everything you see!”</p><p>“Look… so the other day when Benji and I went out to dinner, we ran into his ex, Derek. He was being a prick, and he told me he was bugging Benji’s phone and basically stalking him, so I snapped and I punched him in the face. My fist just moved on its own, I didn’t even think about it. I’m sorry, okay?” Victor explained, prattling on quicker than he expected to. “I couldn’t let him get away with it.”</p><p>Isabel was quiet for a moment. </p><p>“You still there?” Victor asked, voice just above a whisper.</p><p>“I’m here…” Isabel replied, her tone calmer than before. There was no judgement in her voice when she said: “All I’m thinking is you’re definitely your father’s son.”</p><p>“So… are you not mad anymore?”</p><p>“Oh, of course I’m still mad. But I’m glad to know that you’re not hurt. There’s something a bit… romantic about protecting the one you love, don’t you think?” Isabel sighed. </p><p>“Wait… I thought I was supposed to be in trouble,” Victor scolded her. “It’s not gonna look good for a working class gay Latino to beat up a rich white trust fund kid. Especially since I heard it and saw the blood… his jaw is probably gonna be wired shut for a while.”</p><p>“Well, yeah. But it sounds like he had it coming. I got a bad vibe from him when he came to your birthday party, anyway,” Isabel said, waving her hand. “I just don’t want you to go to prison and have your life ruined by some rich asshole, is all. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. <em> And </em>you don’t want them to take your scholarship away. You worked hard for that. So you need to be smart.”</p><p>Nodding, Victor furrowed his eyebrows. “I know, <em> Mami. </em>I’ll try to think of what to do. This is serious business and I’m not taking it lightly.”</p><p>“Good, you’d better not. I know you were just looking out for Benji. But maybe anger management might be beneficial so this doesn’t happen again. You’re not a kid anymore, so I can’t protect you,” Isabel replied. “Anyway, I’ll leave you two lovebirds to your trip. Text me when you get to Simon and Bram’s new place and tell them hi from me. I love you!”</p><p>“All right, I will. Thanks, <em> Mami. </em>Love you, too.”</p><p>Ending the call, Victor slipped his phone back in his pocket and turned to Benji, who had his eyes opened now, a frown on his lips.</p><p>“How was your nap, B?” Victor asked.</p><p>“I heard your conversation with your mom,” Benji said, his voice sounding hollow. “Well, most of it. I can’t believe you caught a charge because of me.”</p><p>“No, I didn’t get it because of you. It’s not your fault. <em> I </em> was the one who couldn’t control my temper. And <em> I </em> didn’t want you to have to deal with… <em> Derek… </em>anymore,” Victor retorted, squeezing Benji’s hand.</p><p>“Vic, why do you continue to be the perfect boyfriend?” Benji replied, eyes shining as he blinked back tears. </p><p>Shrugging, Victor kissed Benji’s cheek quickly, giving him a warm smile that reached his eyes. “I could ask you the same thing.”</p><p>“Stop that,” Benji replied, rolling his eyes as he smiled back. “How the hell are you so smooth?”</p><p>As their chuckling died down, they rested their heads against each other, arms laced together in comfortable silence.</p><p>Only a few more hours to go.<br/><br/></p><p>——————-</p><p> </p><p>They arrived at Port Authority just before the morning rush. Getting up and stretching, Victor and Benji grabbed their things and headed into the terminal. Once Victor had gotten the directions on Google Maps, he led them into the underground tunnels of the subway so they could take the A train to Utica Ave station in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, where Bram and Simon had their new apartment. It was a simple route, and in the several times Victor had visited, he had learned to navigate the trains to an intermediate level. </p><p>The cars of the trains were cool, the air conditioning pleasant on their slick skin after standing on the dusty, humid platform in wait. They sat down with their bags on their laps, trying not to take up too much space despite the trains being mostly empty going in the direction toward Brooklyn. Learning their lesson from the last time they had been there, they kept their heads down and minded their business, listening to music while trying to ignore the deafening <em> clang </em>ing of the train cars as they moved through the tunnels like large, metal snakes.</p><p>About an hour later, they had arrived at Utica Ave station, climbing out of the ground to the hot, sun-soaked concrete. They walked through the green area in Fulton Park, which was mostly empty at this hour aside from a few people populating the benches or some rich gentrifiers running with their dogs. </p><p>Fingers interlaced together, they walked in comfortable silence through the historic district, simply observing their surroundings and familiarizing themselves with the area. Once they arrived at Bram and Simon’s apartment, they ran up the stoop as Victor messaged Simon to let him know they had arrived.</p><p>They waited for a moment before they heard footsteps coming toward the door, and the door swung open, revealing Simon and Bram with smiles on their faces.</p><p>Once they exchanged greetings and earned themselves kisses on the cheeks from their adopted gay dads, Victor and Benji entered the apartment and put their things aside along with their shoes.</p><p>“It’s good to see you both again,” Simon welcomed them, leading their guests through their small one-bedroom apartment and motioning for them to sit on the sectional that took up most of their living room. “You’re gonna get our bed and we’ll take the pullout couch for the week. Make yourselves at home.”</p><p>“We can’t let you guys do that,” Victor said, holding his hands up in front of him. “It’s kind enough that you’re hosting us.”</p><p>“Don’t even try, Victor,” Bram replied, flashing a toothy grin. “We would be horrible adopted parents if we made you sleep on the couch.”</p><p>Sighing, Victor threw his hands up in defeat. </p><p>“Anyway, we’ve made a schedule with things for us to do,” Simon added, opening one of his phone’s applications and showing it off. “Of course it’s subject to change but I’m sure there are new things to explore around here that none of us have seen yet.”</p><p>“I’m happy with anything that doesn’t involve going into Manhattan,” Benji said, leaning against Victor. </p><p>“For real, Manhattan is so overrated,” Bram replied, high-giving Benji. “My son has good taste.”</p><p>“<em> Our </em>son,” Simon corrected, trying to be covert when he removed some of the items from the schedule. Victor and Benji could only chuckle at the nicknames.</p><p>“I mean we did do all the touristy stuff last time like Times Square ‘n all that. Figured we could take it easy this time around?” Benji suggested. Victor rubbed his shoulder. </p><p>“Oh, thank god,” Simon breathed a sigh of relief. “I was hoping you two would want things to be more… chill.”</p><p>“Babe, I told you the schedule wasn’t necessary,” Bram teased, bumping Simon in the shoulder. “They aren’t babies, they don’t need 24/7 structured fun.”</p><p>“You’re right,” Simon said with a chuckle, pocketing his phone. “But also I feel like a terrible host now because I forgot to offer ya’ll something to drink. It must have been a tiring trip for you both.”</p><p>“I mean we mostly just slept,” Victor replied, taking a glass of water from Simon. “And I kinda got yelled at by my mom for getting into… legal trouble.”</p><p>Both Simon and Bram looked at each other with wide eyes as Victor explained the details, and once he had, the two seemed to relax a bit. Benji could feel himself getting tense at the conversation, and Victor held his hand in an attempt to soothe his nerves.</p><p>“If you ever need help let us know,” Simon advised. “My parents are pretty well connected so don’t hesitate to reach out, okay?”</p><p>“Thank you,” Victor said with a smile, happy to be moving away from this topic. It was getting exhausting thinking about it. “But for now I want to focus on what’s going on now. I’ll deal with all that stuff when I’m back in Atlanta. There’s still time.”</p><p>“Yeah we can’t do much at this point. The only thing we can do is support you,” Bram said, pulling them all into a sweaty hug.</p><p>“This would be nice if it wasn’t a million degrees in here,” Victor said, slipping away from the pile of bodies. </p><p>“Sadly barely anyone has A/C here. You get used to it after a while, though,” Simon shrugged.</p><p>They spent the rest of the morning and afternoon chilling and catching up. For now, Simon freelanced as an advice columnist for LGBT+ youth on an online publication, but was looking to get a job for the summer to help pay rent. He was still in that phase where he didn’t fully know what he wanted to do with his life, but all he knew was that he wanted to be able to put his skills to use to improve other people’s lives. And while he could rely on his parents for help, he was trying not to. But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t try to help him pay rent at least. Bram, on the other hand, had graduated from Columbia a year early and had managed to secure a job in a medical technology startup after finishing at the top of his class. He and Simon half-joked that Bram was the one who paid about 80% of their rent and other expenses. Ultimately, though, Bram wanted to go to medical school because, like Simon, he wanted to do something good for others, especially young queer kids who often didn’t have access to proper sexual health resources.</p><p>Once they had recharged a bit, the group decided to check out a gay bar they had found that was a bit of a walk north in Bushwick to meet up with Justin, Kim and Ivy. The trio had moved in with their partners in the same neighborhood as Bram and Simon so they all still saw each other frequently despite no longer sharing an apartment.</p><p>Of course, Benji and Victor were allowed into the establishment despite being under 21, and Benji insisted on them all not missing out on his behalf. He could handle being around alcohol for one night, as he had been sober for around four years now following his suicide attempt and it was easier to deal with when he wasn’t feeling pressured to drink. Simon and Bram and their friends were older and also not huge drinkers or partiers, and they knew their own limits, so they were understandably unbothered by Victor and Benji not partaking. Victor made sure Benji knew that they could leave at any time because he wanted them all to have a good time. </p><p>It was a kitschy, Hawaiian-themed dive bar which, despite the early hour, was almost completely packed. They all piled into a booth, ordering some food (nachos, as Bram recommended, because they were, quote: “good enough that I’d let someone knock me out if I could just get one bite”). </p><p>Benji would be lying if he said it wasn’t tempting to take a sip of some of the cocktails that others had ordered. He watched them drink like a lion waiting for a lone, weak wildebeest to separate from the rest of its pack. Victor, meanwhile, observed him from the side of his eye, holding Benji’s hand tightly as he sipped on a Coke. Still, despite the temptation, Benji said nothing.</p><p>Covering his mouth and faking a yawn, Victor turned to the group. It was already close to one in the morning. “I hate to be a mood killer, but I’m getting pretty tired. You think we could head back to your place?”</p><p>“Yeah, absolutely. We can always see these guys again during the week,” Simon replied with a small smile. </p><p>“You lasted pretty long though,” Bram added, clapping Victor on the shoulder as they rose from the booth. </p><p>After Victor and Simon argued over who would pay for their part of the bill, Victor finally conceded and allowed for it, but still tossed a few bills down on the table as a tip. Victor fumed a bit as they walked home, the cool air slowly calming him down. </p><p>“Thanks for getting me out of there,” Benji whispered in Victor’s ear, kissing him gently on the cheek as they fell into step with one another. “I thought I would be okay but… it got harder after a while. It felt a bit silly to change my mind after I said it was all fine…”</p><p>“I understand,” Victor replied, biting his lip. “If it makes you feel any better, I <em> was </em> actually kinda getting tired.”</p><p>“Mmm… that’s good to know,” Benji breathed, his face relaxing. </p><p>Victor wrapped his arm around Benji’s back, the night air raising goosebumps on their skin. They passed a group of men with brown paper bags in their hands who were conversing loudly and walking in the opposite direction, but they didn’t pay Benji, Victor, Simon or Bram much attention. The streets were still alive at this hour, several shops still lit and providing some solace in the night. </p><p>Stumbling into the apartment at almost two in the morning, Simon and Bram shooed Benji and Victor into their room as they plopped down onto the couch.</p><p>Off in the distance, a dog barked, voices cursed, and life continued in the hood.</p><p><br/>————————</p><p><br/>Light poured into the room, casting everything in a dreamy glow. The occasional car and passerby outside the apartment added to the soundtrack of the city. Victor’s eyes opened a crack, head pulsing. They had forgotten to draw the curtains last night, and now, he was forced awake at an unreasonable hour when no one had any real business being up.</p><p>He rolled over to the nightstand, squinting as he picked up his phone and checked the time. </p><p>
  <em> 6:43. </em>
</p><p>Groaning, Victor pulled his pillow out from under his head and put it over his face, muffling himself. He pulled his pillow off his face after a moment when it became hard to breathe, the early morning summer air already engulfing him with humidity. At some point he had even kicked the covers off himself; he would definitely need a shower.</p><p>Glancing over to his side, where Benji slept peacefully with one of his legs hanging off the side of the bed, the sheet almost kicked off him entirely as well, Victor couldn’t help but smile. Even in his exhaustion, he found himself drawn to the way his boyfriend seemed to radiate a sense of calm despite the fact that he knew that calmness was a facade, a front that he showed to the world in an attempt to say “don’t worry about me.”</p><p>There was no way Victor was going to sleep anymore, he realized. Stroking Benji’s face, Victor gazed at him for a few more moments before rising from bed and gathering a clean set of clothes, the loss at being away from Benji for a few minutes almost too much to bear. </p><p>The rest of the apartment was quiet, with Simon and Bram still in their alcohol-induced slumber, but Victor tried his best not to wake anyone. When he returned to the room, Victor was startled to see Benji sitting up in the bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes.</p><p>“Mornin’, B,” Victor greeted him, slipping on a loose navy tank top to go with a pair of ripped denim shorts. </p><p>“G’mornin’, babe,” Benji said softly, smiling up at him, his hair disheveled. “Did you sleep well?”</p><p>“Uh, I guess so. The sun woke me up,” Victor replied, sitting down next to him. He ruffled Benji’s hair. “You look so cute.”</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Benji kissed him before dragging himself out of bed and grabbing his outfit for the day. “I’ll look even cuter once I get out of the shower.”</p><p>Benji winked at Victor before disappearing out the door.</p><p>As he waited for Benji to return, Victor unplugged his phone from where it was charging, unlocking it and going through to see if he had any new emails. He had quite a few since he hadn’t checked since the previous morning. Most were the typical newsletters he had accidentally subscribed to ages ago but couldn’t be bothered to cancel, or reminders to sign up for courses for the coming semester. </p><p>However, one particular email caught his eye.</p><p>
  <em> Change in Enrollment Status - Update  </em>
</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor opened it to read more.</p><p>
  <em> “We are writing to you to let you know that your admission to Georgia State University has been changed from ‘enrolled’ to ‘probation’ following a civil lawsuit that has been brought against you… Please be advised that your scholarship will be disbursed and your status changed only after the lawsuit has ended and if you do not face any legal penalties.” </em>
</p><p>Victor could feel the blood running to his ears as he read the message, not having any outlet for his anger. All he could do was squeeze his phone in his hands, wishing he could crush it like a ball of aluminum foil. His hands shook as he stared at the ground.</p><p>Once Benji returned, clad in a tight black tank top and obscenely short black shorts, he could immediately feel the negative energy in the room. Pausing, he eyed Victor, who was digging his nails into his knees, shaking, eyebrows furrowed and face red.</p><p>“Oops,” Benji said, dropping something on the floor and making a production of bending over to pick it up. He turned with his ass to Victor, moving slowly, teasing him. </p><p>Although Victor didn’t respond, his eyes darted over to Benji as he watched him quietly.</p><p>“<em>Dammit</em>,” Benji said, repeating the action again, only this time, making eye contact with Victor.</p><p>He went to drop something again, but Victor cut him off.</p><p>“I know what you’re trying to do,” Victor murmured, his voice shaking and cracking with barely contained fire. </p><p>Frowning, Benji approached him, standing over Victor, cheeks pink. </p><p>“All right, then. I want you to fuck me,” Benji said, lifting Victor’s chin and forcing their eyes to meet. “Get it out of your system. Just… not in here.”</p><p>Rummaging through his bag for a moment, Benji found the lube and condoms and threw them at Victor before bounding out of the room after ensuring the coast was clear.</p><p>Now distracted for an entirely different reason, Victor all but stomped after Benji, following him into the bathroom and locking the door. It was humiliating to think that he was about to have sex while at a friend’s house but then again, he wasn’t thinking… <em> straight.  </em></p><p>“What do I always say?” Benji asked as Victor stood behind him, pinning him face-first against the door. </p><p>“Don’t be gentle,” Victor murmured, fumbling with his pants. </p><p>“Mhm… right…” Benji breathed, stripping off his pants. He grabbed Victor by the hair, pressing their mouths together.</p><p>Benji was already hard when Victor shoved his head into the door, using his weight to hold him down. He knew he shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as he was, but knowing that Victor - sweet, kind, perfect Victor - could also fuck him exactly how he wanted, Benji wondered how he had managed to luck out. </p><p>Victor was quiet aside from his heavy breathing as he slid into Benji after barely spending any time fingering him properly. Grinning instinctively as his mouth fell open, Benji allowed Victor to do what he wanted, taking all of his rage from him. </p><p>On the other side of the rattling door, Bram and Simon were awake, whispering to each other because they knew all too well what was going on. Simon had his face in his hands, waiting for it to be over, and Bram thanked whatever deity out there was making sure that their sons had a fulfilling love life. Either way, they should have expected it to happen. </p><p>They weren’t being particularly quiet, Benji realized, which normally would be pretty embarrassing if he hadn’t had Victor’s hand around his throat, having him seeing stars as he fucked him. And he would probably be sore later on, but he didn’t think about this, either, because when Victor came, pressing down on the sides of his neck until he almost passed out, he came, too, dripping all over his own hand.</p><p>Shaking as he pulled out, Victor cleaned them up, almost feeling bad for taking out his aggression on his boyfriend. Benji didn’t look particularly concerned, however. In fact, he looked downright <em> happy </em>as he pulled his clothes back on, legs almost buckling beneath him with each movement. </p><p>“How do you feel now?” Benji asked, voice hoarse.</p><p>Avoiding eye contact and instead focusing on the slowly bruising marks on Benji’s neck, Victor swallowed. No matter how many times he got rough he still felt a bit bad afterward. “Uhh… a bit better, I guess. Just sleepy. Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine. Actually, amazing. You fuck better when you’re frustrated,” Benji said with a sly smile. “Do you wanna talk about what made you so worked up, though? It’s not about Derek again, is it?”</p><p>Sighing, Victor unlocked the door and led them out into the corridor. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”</p><p>“Okay,” Benji replied, wrapping his arms around Victor’s middle. “Do you wanna go back to sleep, then?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Victor replied, his body suddenly feeling drained of all energy. </p><p>A few feet before them, someone cleared their throat.</p><p>“Did ya’ll have fun in there?” Bram asked, smiling with his hands under his chin.</p><p>Victor and Benji reddened, realizing they had been way too obvious. Simon shuffled in, unable to make eye contact with either of them.</p><p>“Oh, come on. It’s just a natural part of life and human sexuality, lighten up everybody,” Bram announced.</p><p>The initial shock and embarrassment had worn off once they left the apartment, thankfully. They were all adults after all. Bram was luckily the only one who was able to be an adult about this whole situation, because as much advice as Simon was able to offer about all things being gay entailed, handling it in real life was a different matter entirely.</p><p>They got breakfast at the deli across the road because it’s hard to resist a fresh bacon, egg and cheese on an everything bagel that they make in front of you. Victor didn’t even bother waiting, biting into his while it was still hot and burning his mouth, earning himself a good-natured snort of laughter from Benji. They leaned against the back of the entrance to the subway, watching people rush by as they ate. Bram couldn’t help but chuckle knowingly but said nothing. </p><p>While they weren’t in a rush, the group started walking before they properly finished eating with the expectation that they would eat as they walked, in typical New York fashion. </p><p>Trekking west, they arrived at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden in under forty-five minutes, taking in the sight of the colorful summer bloom of the foliage within. </p><p>Benji, of course, took an interest in the scenery, snapping photos of basically everything they saw. He even demanded for the others to pose for him so he wouldn’t just have photos of inanimate objects. </p><p>When they first arrived, they explored the Japanese garden, which had a red gate overlooking a lake, with a little gazebo where they could sit and watch the rainbow koi swimming, begging for scraps. Although cherry blossom season was over, the area was still quite colorful, with shrubs of different varieties seeming to climb up the hills and mingle together. Benji dragged Victor to sit by the water with one of the bridges in the background, taking a selfie of them together. </p><p>Once they left that area, they wandered through the rose arcade. Luckily there weren’t so many people about at this hour, so they could take photos without much interference from other tourists.</p><p>Smiling, Benji took one of the pink roses, avoiding the thorns, and pulled it off its stem, slipping it into Victor’s hair at his ear when he wasn’t fully paying attention. Benji’s breath hitched in his throat when he took the photo, reveling in the image of his boyfriend who was entirely unaware of how breathtakingly soft he looked. As he touched his neck where Victor’s hands had been, he bit his lip.</p><p>There was something about how unassuming Victor was, how he looked like a little baby deer but in reality, knew exactly what he was doing. His voice was gentle, his energy soft, and aside from the few times when he got angry, he was so wonderfully kind. And yet, like a rose, he could hurt. But Benji knew he wouldn’t hurt him.</p><p>Continuing on their walk, they made their way to the esplanade by a massive Victorian glass building which, of course, was surrounded on all sides by flower bushes of all ranges of red and pink and purple, all in bloom just the right amount of time that their petals still hadn’t dried and fallen off. They had lunch in the cafe, watching some birds frolicking across the paved pathways. </p><p>Sighing, Benji went through the photos he had taken, admiring the beautiful scenery. But his mind kept going back to the photo of Victor he had taken before. He would have to make proper edits once he got back home and had access to a computer but for now he slapped on a filter and set it as his phone background photo so he could see it whenever he and Victor were apart. </p><p>Despite the relatively small size, they spent the rest of the day at the gardens until it closed and they had no choice but to go back to the streets. They didn’t know that such a serene place could exist in the concrete jungle that was New York. But they were glad they had found it. </p><p>It was still too early to go back to the apartment, Simon remarked, as there was still light outside. But they had spent most of the day walking several miles around the city, and there were a few more days for them to explore the rest of Brooklyn. Despite their youth, they didn’t have boundless amounts of energy.</p><p>The days passed by quickly, and with each new day Victor and Benji found themselves falling more in love with this city. But as with all other good things, their time had to come to an end. And with that, real life needed to resume. </p><p>As Benji and Victor boarded the bus back to Atlanta, wishing Simon and Bram the best, Benji thought back to the days he spent there, hoping he could actually come back next summer. As the bus departed, he felt like he was leaving his family behind for good.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and supporting once again. I know the direction of the story might be different than expected but I wanted to retain a bit of the realism I was going for in this story. There needs to be a balance of good and bad, of course. Anyway, as always, I’m happy to hear your thoughts and feedback! Thanks again and see you next chapter! ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Acclimatization</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji part; Benji wonders if he will regret his decision.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, hope you’re ready for the next installment. I enjoyed writing this chapter because I felt like I gave a bit of a different perspective of what a lot of people think of when they think of London and as someone who has sorta been in Benji’s shoes I hope that experience comes through. I also hope you enjoy one of the new OCs. Anyway, as always I love hearing your feedback so go nuts with the comments! 🙏🏻 Remember that your comments help motivate me to continue the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor had had to make peace with the fact that his life plan was going to be thrown off the rails. He hadn’t expected to spend the end of August and most of September working at Brasstown, unable to take advantage of his scholarship or his acceptance to university. This wasn’t how his life was meant to go; he was meant to go to college, play basketball, and graduate, then go to law school, maybe get out of Atlanta and see some more of the world. </p><p>Hell, he even found himself getting jealous of Benji, who had been making the final preparations for his departure that day. It was hard to be happy for him and he wanted to be the most supportive boyfriend possible, but something in the back of his mind nagged him. Victor sighed as he finished wiping the table, watching the clock intently as he counted down the minutes until his shift was over. He watched Benji from across the room as he conversed with a customer and prepared an order for them. It was going to be lonely without his boyfriend around.</p><p>The court proceedings had started, as well, and Victor wanted things to be over as soon as possible, but he would still end up having to start school later than he had wanted to. He had taken up Simon on his offer and gotten in contact with a lawyer friend of Simon’s mother Emily, because it would be better than having a shitty, overworked public defender. Throughout the process, he tried to keep things to himself because he didn’t want to worry his family and Benji, and honestly, it was stressful enough that having to talk about it gave him heart palpitations. Plus, Benji had enough to worry about with making preparations for the coming year of university that Victor figured it would be worse to keep him involved, especially since he already felt guilty about it all. Victor couldn’t allow for Benji to be put in contact with Derek again, that was for certain.</p><p>“Y’ready to go?” Victor asked Benji, removing his apron and hanging it on one of the hooks on the wall. They had packed Benji’s things in Victor’s car in the morning so they could head straight to the airport after work. Benji had said his goodbyes to his parents and siblings that morning, too. </p><p>“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” Benji replied, giving him a small smile.</p><p>“Wait, we can’t go without this,” Victor said, opening the fridge beneath the counter and withdrawing a small, square box, and handing it to Benji.</p><p>“What is it?” Benji blushed, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“Just a little thank you gift from all of us at Brasstown,” Victor replied with a tight-lipped smile, his cheeks tinging pink, too. “But I’ll give you your actual gift from me later. You’ll just have to wait and see what it is.”</p><p>Benji opened the box and his face instantly lit up. Inside there was a cake made of white fondant that said ‘<em> Thank you, Benji! </em>’ on it, accompanied by a little illustration of a blue guitar. “This cake is so cute!” </p><p>“The design was courtesy of me,” Victor said, jutting his thumb at himself, beaming with pride. “I know it’s not as good as yours but I tried my best! Sadly, we can’t all be brilliant artists like you.”</p><p>Chuckling and putting his hand on his cheek, Benji couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. “I love it. Thank you so much. We can share it when we get to the airport.”</p><p>They kissed before hopping into Victor’s car, both of them chewing on their lips in apprehension. Truthfully, they had both been dreading this day. </p><p>Instinctively, Victor’s hand found Benji’s leg and Benji rested his own hand on top of his, lacing their fingers together as they started their journey to Hartsfield-Jackson. The drive wasn’t long, but their nerves made it hard to focus on conversation. Benji was relieved that he had managed to hook himself up with a Xanax prescription in advance of the trip to make life more bearable, at least. </p><p>When they finally arrived at the airport, Victor accompanied Benji to drop his luggage and handle all his documents before they found a spot to sit together outside the departure gate. After they sat down, Victor produced the cake from Brasstown, along with two forks for them to eat it together as promised. Benji, despite not having much of an appetite, ate his half of the cake quickly. </p><p>“Okay, I have something to give you as a parting gift of sorts,” Benji announced once they had finished, rummaging through his bag. </p><p>“Wait, me first. Yours is gonna make mine look stupid anyway so we may as well save the best for last,” Victor interjected, holding up his hand as he presented a flat box. </p><p>“Thank you…” Benji whispered, unwrapping the box to reveal an ornate copy of <em> Love in the Time of Cholera </em>by Gabriel García Márquez.</p><p>“If you don’t knock yourself out on the plane, or just whenever you get the chance to read it, I hope you like it. I thought it was really beautiful and wanted to share the beauty of it with you,” Victor explained, biting his lip and wiping the corner of his eye. “And I hope that you’ll think of me when you read it. Also I wanna know what you think of it because it’s one of my favorites despite me like, barely reading books.”</p><p>Benji stared at the book in his hand, one side of his mouth curling upward as he admired the artwork of the cover. He wiped his eye as he put the book inside his bag. “You’re so thoughtful. I think I’m gonna be the one who looks stupid here. Thank you so much.”</p><p>“No way,” Victor shook his head as he took the box offered to him. </p><p>Eyes darting between Victor and the box, Benji watched his boyfriend examine the contents within. </p><p>Inside, there was a canvas with Benji’s favorite image of them together — a selfie of Victor and Benji with colorful flowers in their hair from their trip to New York — painted by his own hand. Where the flowers would have been painted, there were instead real pressed flowers set in resin so they looked like they were freshly picked. Victor’s eyes searched the painting, taking in every brushstroke and color, not wanting to look away. </p><p>“This is amazing,” Victor sighed, pulling Benji’s face toward him and kissing the breath out of him. “Thank you. I’m definitely framing this and putting it over my bed. Or maybe I’ll put it in the living room, so I can show off my talented boyfriend’s skills to everyone.”</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Benji leaned against Victor as he placed the canvas back into the box so it stayed safe. Once Victor had put the box aside, Benji rose from his seat and sat down on Victor’s lap instead, draping an arm over Victor’s shoulder.</p><p>“I know we can always FaceTime and do voice calls and stuff but nothing can replace the feeling of actually being able to touch you,” Benji said, his voice heavy with sadness and cracking as he finished his thought. “I’m gonna miss you so much, Vic.”</p><p>“B, I’m gonna miss you, too. There won’t be a day that goes by when I won’t be thinking of you and wishing you were back here by my side,” Victor replied, brushing Benji’s hair from his face. He could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, too. “But I don’t want you to only think about me. I want you to have fun and enjoy yourself over there. As soon as I can I’ll come visit you.”</p><p>“Vic… I don’t know if I can do this,” Benji admitted, grabbing onto Victor tightly, tears finally spilling over his cheeks. “I don’t wanna leave you… I <em> can’t… </em>”</p><p>“Listen to me,” Victor said, letting his own rivulets of tears make their descent down his face as he held Benji’s face in his hands and looked into his eyes. “You’re the most amazing person I know, and you can do anything you put your mind to. I know it’s scary but you <em> have to </em>do it anyway. Don’t let me stand in your way, okay? I don’t want to guilt you or anything but I would never forgive myself if you didn’t do this because of me.”</p><p>Wiping his eyes in his sleeve, Benji sniffled, laughing quietly to himself. “The fact that you’re absolutely right isn’t making this easier. Why can’t you just be a massive dickhead so I won’t feel so bad about leaving?”</p><p>Smiling sadly, Victor allowed Benji to wipe the tears that had fallen down his face. He held him tightly to his chest, letting Benji rest his head on his shoulder, and said sheepishly, “Sorry to disappoint.”</p><p>They sat like that for some time, simply listening to each other’s breathing, limbs tangled together, the new journey that was unfolding before them heavy on their backs like bags of sand — the sands of time that soon slipped away from them.</p><p>When it was time for Benji to finally leave to go through security, Victor knew that he had to let him go. He had to trust that he would come back to him.</p><p>“I guess this is it, then,” Victor sighed, holding Benji’s hand tightly in his own. Letting go was harder than he expected.</p><p>“You can let go now,” Benji said with a sad smile, but he made no move to go. “I… think I’m all right.”</p><p>“Text me when you get there, okay?” Victor’s voice cracked. </p><p>“Yeah, I will,” Benji nodded. He wrapped his arms around Victor’s back one last time, standing on his toes to kiss him.</p><p>Wrapping his arms around Benji in turn, Victor poured the words he couldn’t convey into the kiss instead. They didn’t care if they were blocking the way for others, too caught up in the feeling of lips and tongues to pay them any mind. When they pulled away, Victor kissed Benji’s forehead one more time for good measure.</p><p>“I love you,” Victor breathed, staring into Benji’s eyes. “Have a safe trip, okay?”</p><p>“I love you, too,” Benji replied. “I don’t have a lot of control over whether my trip is safe but thank you.”</p><p>Victor knew Benji was trying to be funny, but he couldn’t laugh. It hurt too much. “Bye.”</p><p>“Bye,” Benji said, waving to him as he rounded the corner, looking back at him before disappearing from view. Victor watched him go. He wouldn’t sleep at all that night, the painting hung above his bed a specter taunting him instead. </p><p><br/>
————————-</p><p> </p><p>Benji couldn’t stop his tears from falling but at this point, he didn’t even care. Let them see how miserable he was.</p><p>Once he boarded, he popped a Xanax, contemplating taking a double dose to knock himself out. He would have to ration his meds, he decided, at least until he found someplace in London to get them. Rolling his eyes, he took two pills. It wouldn’t kill him if it was one time, he reasoned.</p><p>He sat down, put his headphones in, and waited for his pills to start working, his heart feeling like a high-speed train about to fly off the tracks with how fast it was beating. After a few minutes he felt his heartbeat force itself to slow down, his mind, which had been full of thoughts, suddenly wiped clean like a slate as he fell into a dreamless sleep.</p><p>When he woke up, he was starving and groggy. He felt like he hadn’t eaten for days, and considering the last thing he ate was some cake a few hours ago, he wasn’t surprised at how ravenous he felt. Luckily he hadn’t missed the breakfast trolley, which he was thankful for, and he ate the tiny panini quickly. He contemplated if he wanted a coffee because while he wished he could wake himself up, he also wasn’t in the mood to cry again. So he chose no coffee.</p><p>Finally, they began their descent, and Benji was thankful for the drugs still in his system for keeping him sedated. He still didn’t feel like any of it was real when he stepped out onto the tarmac at Heathrow, taking in the oppressive grey sky and the cool air. </p><p>Once Benji had gone through all the motions, he stopped to pick up a SIM card so he could get some directions. The shitty airport WiFi was annoying him with how slow it was.</p><p>He messaged his mom and Victor to let them know he had arrived in one very relaxed piece. Lugging his bags with him, he was tempted to get something at a cafe because he was still starving. It wasn’t as expensive as he expected. Fumbling with his wallet, his hands forgetting how to function properly, he paid for his food and shuffled off to eat.</p><p>Victor had texted him back almost immediately, and Benji smiled, knowing his boyfriend must not have slept that night. He did the math, realizing it was almost 4 am back in Atlanta. Benji read the message:</p><p><em> “Glad you had a good flight. ❤️ I’m gonna try and get some sleep but just remember that I love you. And I want to hear more details once you’re rested! 🥰” </em> </p><p>If he hadn’t been hopped up on drugs he would definitely shed a tear, but for now, he finished his meal and walked down into the Underground, letting another song blare in his ears.</p><p><em> Cold when it's critical<br/>
</em> <em> Cool but cynical<br/>
</em> <em> Maxed  out never minimal<br/>
</em> <em> Welcome  to London<br/>
</em> <em> That's  how we function<br/>
</em> <em> Nobody don't trust nobody round here </em></p><p>He waited on the platform, bobbing his head as he eyed his surroundings. Despite being quite early in the morning, the area was crowded, with people piled on top of each other. When the train came, he hopped onto the last and arguably least populated carriage, setting his luggage next to him. He was glad the sound of the train was so loud, louder than the ones in New York, that he didn’t have to worry about accidentally falling asleep.</p><p><em> So welcome to London fam<br/>
</em> <em> Property we got it in abundance fam<br/>
</em> <em> Some are homeless, some are reckless<br/>
</em> <em> You'll get fucked if you fuck up on a London gang<br/>
</em></p><p>As the train exited the underground and began rolling through the countryside from Zone 6 of the city, Benji couldn’t help but watch, mesmerized. The green hills and sparse buildings were soothing. But soon the time between stops began to decrease and more people began to get on, packing into each other. No one seemed to be paying attention to anyone else, their eyes glued to their phones or to a copy of the <em>Evening Standard. </em>Benji observed how they dressed, many clad head to toe in black and muted colors, and made a mental note to himself. He didn’t like standing out or looking like a tourist, so this information would come in handy later.</p><p><em> So welcome to London fam<br/>
</em> <em> Black cabs, red buses and the white van man<br/>
</em> <em> We’ve got oysters, they not just seafood<br/>
</em> <em> So the boy dem can follow and see you<br/>
</em> <em> 24 hours every day my city don’t sleep<br/>
</em> <em> You need P’s in my city cause its not cheap </em></p><p>Soon they were back underground, the pitch darkness the only thing visible through the windows. Benji watched the little overhead screen that listed the next stop, realizing that South Kensington was coming up. He stood, offering his seat to someone else, and squeezed through the people as he collected his things, trying to brace himself against the movement of the train by leaning against the door. When it stopped, he all but fell out of the train, ensuring he didn’t leave anything behind — passport, wallet, phone — before exiting the station. The avenue was littered with takeaways and posh-looking stores and the area generally looked like it had been gentrified in a similar fashion to a lot of areas in London, especially ones that were slightly central. His new flat was only a few minutes walk away from the station, so he followed the directions on his phone until he came to the building, pulling his bags up the stairs and ringing the doorbell.</p><p><em> Cold when it's critical<br/>
</em> <em> Cool but cynical<br/>
</em> Maxed out never minimal<br/>
<em> That's how we function<br/>
Welcome to London</em></p><p>When the door opened, a short, dark-skinned girl with round glasses and tightly-coiled red and black curly hair stood there in the doorway. She looked a bit confused but smiled a bit once realization dawned on her face.</p><p>“Hey, you must be Benji, right?” The girl asked, holding out her hand. She didn’t sound English but he couldn’t place her accent, either. “I’m Soledad. Not to sound ominous, but we’ve been expecting you. I guess we’re gonna be flatmates.”</p><p>She opened the door and ushered him inside into the foyer, where he promptly took off his shoes. </p><p>“Hey, it’s nice to meet you,” Benji replied, smiling back and taking her hand. There was something about Soledad that made him feel like things might be okay after all. Or maybe that was still just the Xanax that hadn’t worn off yet. “I apologize in advance if I seem a bit out of it, I had to take some anti-anxiety medication.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? I feel that. Definitely comes in handy when you’re studying,” Soledad replied as she led him through the small shared space that was currently populated with two black couches, a black table, and a teak closet. She pointed him to a few of the rooms. “You can have your pick between these three. I have the one on the end, and Ish has the one next to mine, although he’s gone out. But they’re all basically the same size. The bathroom is just down there, and the kitchen is next to the foyer. Also, the water from the tap is safe to drink, and if you want any food, there’s some in the fridge or we can go out to get some, there’s a good chicken shop down the road.”</p><p>Thanking her, Benji got comfortable, setting down his gear. The room was already furnished, with a bed, a desk, and a wardrobe, along with a storage space under his bed. It was on the smaller side but definitely gave him enough space to not feel like he was trapped in a shoebox. He would unpack later, he decided, because he was curious to get to know his new flatmate. After he freshened up, he shuffled out across the hardwood floor to the living room, where Soledad was curled up on the couch with her laptop.</p><p>“Am I interrupting anything?” Benji asked, sitting down on the other end of the couch.</p><p>“No need to ask,” Soledad grinned, closing her computer and setting it on the table. “You seem to be settling in well.”</p><p>Benji nodded. “It’s a bit different from where I’m from, but I can see how I can get used to it. Definitely not bad, though.”</p><p>“Yeah, we lucked out with our student accommodation. Some student flats are… janky as fuck, to put it lightly,” Soledad said with a laugh. “Where are you from, by the way?”</p><p>“I’m from Atlanta, actually. And this is still better than what I would have gotten in college- er, <em> university </em>, back in the states. I’d probably be sharing one room with a bunch of other guys.”</p><p>“Oh word? I knew the accent sounded familiar. I’m a Puerto Rican from the Bronx but moved here a while back because my dad’s British and came here during Windrush so I got that dual citizenship baby. That’s why I have that international school kid accent,” Soledad explained with a wink. “The government is colonizing rubbish and to quote the great poet of our time, Stormzy: ‘Fuck the government and fuck Boris’ and all that, but like, I get free healthcare so that’s not bad.”</p><p>Grinning genuinely for the first time in a while, Benji fell into conversation with Soledad easily. </p><p>“My boyfriend’s actually Puerto Rican. Well, half Puerto Rican and half Colombian,” Benji replied, pausing before realizing that he had just outed himself to a stranger he was supposed to live with for a year. If he hadn’t been hopped up on drugs he may have actually panicked.</p><p>“Okay, I knew my gaydar was right,” Soledad congratulated herself, raising a fist in the air. “It’s all good, I’m a huge lesbian and Ish said he’s ‘definitely not heterosexual’ so there’s a possibility we much just be a flat full of gays, if we’re lucky. Crossing my fingers.”</p><p>Breathing a sigh of relief, Benji spent the rest of the afternoon getting to know Soledad, feeling more secure than ever that he had actually made the right decision. He was going to like it here.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I got hella emotional writing it lol. Also, if you’re curious about the song I used, it’s called “Welcome to London” by Flowdan and I think the sound really suits the feel of the city. I think we get a very posh understanding of what London is like but I wanted to subvert that. Anyway, I’m happy to hear what you think! ❤️ thanks for your support~ As I said, your comments are motivators!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Deconstruction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Benji meets another flatmate; Victor talks to his lawyer.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey all, hope you’re well. This chapter was a trip to write so I hope it’s enjoyable. I’m really enjoying writing the OCs and how Venji interact w them. As always, I’m curious to hear what y’all have to think about this. Enjoy! 😍 Also I’m gonna tw for the use of a homophobic slur (it’s 1 time but still) so be aware.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was 11 at night, and Benji couldn’t sleep. His bed felt foreign, the air, the sounds, the atmosphere — all of it felt like it didn’t belong. Or maybe <em> he </em>was the one who didn’t belong.</p><p>He didn’t want to take any more pills because he had already taken a double dose earlier, but the temptation was getting too hard to handle. But he had to adjust to the time difference if he wanted to be functional. He even contemplated calling Victor, but he didn’t want to bother him, especially since he had spent the whole night worrying about him and was also probably exhausted. Sighing, Benji got out of bed, sliding into a pair of flannels and a shirt before slipping out of his room.</p><p>Soledad had fallen asleep at her computer with her headphones on, a YouTube video playing in her ears. Benji tip-toed through the living room, trying not to wake her. He glanced around, noting that the light was on in the kitchen; he made his way over, peering in to see it was empty, but that the door to the balcony was slightly ajar. </p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Benji went to close the door before he noticed a silhouette hunched over the railing just outside. Taking a moment to think, Benji then pulled the door to the balcony open and stepped outside into the muggy but cool September air.</p><p>The person Benji had seen through the window turned out to be a young bearded man. He stood up straighter, towering over Benji, and Benji could feel his heart clamoring against his rib cage for a moment before the other man smiled at him and brought a self-rolled cigarette to his lips, taking a long draw before exhaling a cloud of smoke. Somehow, like Victor, he made Benji feel small, but not in a bad way. In the dim light, Benji could see the muscles tensing under the man’s shirt.</p><p>“Hey,” Benji whispered, for some reason unsure of how to proceed.</p><p>“Y’all right?” the man said, taking another draw from his cigarette. “You must be Benji, s’good to meet you. I’m Ismail, but you can just call me Ish, yeah.”</p><p>Benji swallowed, feeling like he was just smacked in the face just from listening to Ish’s extremely British accent. He wanted to hear more of it.</p><p>“Nice to meet you,” Benji replied, leaning against the railing of the balcony at a comfortable distance away from the other man. He couldn’t remember when he had been so nervous talking to another guy. At least, not until he met… <em> Victor </em>… Benji mentally kicked himself. He was loyal, he reasoned, but he had eyes and he was allowed to use them. “D’you normally smoke out here alone at night?”</p><p>“You want a fag? I can roll you one, bruv,” Ish offered, pulling out his box of tobacco and rolling papers. “My family and I are night people. Life doesn’t properly start til like 9 o’clock.”</p><p>Flinching at the casual use of the word ‘fag’, Benji had to remember where he was. Ish wasn’t a threat. “Thanks for the offer but I don’t smoke.”</p><p>Ish nodded, pocketing his gear. As tempted as Benji was to try, he didn’t want to ruin his streak of 1,345 days with no drugs or alcohol. After almost giving in while in New York, he had made a stricter effort to avoid these things at all costs. He valued his own life too much, and knew how easy it was to fall into bad habits quickly, especially when he had an addictive personality. Being teetotal was the only way he could guarantee that he wouldn’t fuck himself up beyond repair. But he wasn’t about to tell Ish his whole life story because while he had made peace with it, it also wasn’t something he wanted to brag about. So he didn’t add anything else.</p><p>“It’s a bad habit I picked up, I’ll admit,” Ish said, breaking Benji from his thoughts. His voice was low and warm. “I think some of us go a bit mad when we first go out on our own, because we don’t know what to do with our new-found freedom.”</p><p>Chuckling, Benji nodded. He found himself drifting a bit closer to Ish, feeling like he was safe from judgment. “Yeah, this is my first time actually being away from home so I get it. I’m trying to ration my Xanax but I’ll probably end up going a bit crazy anyway.”</p><p>“Ahh,” Ish hummed, taking a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out on the railing and flicking it off the balcony. “Well, if you ever want some hash I’ve got plenty.”</p><p>“I didn’t think it would be so easy to get drugs around here,” Benji mused, running his hand through his hair. Normally these sorts of conversations would make him anxious, but he felt surprisingly calm. </p><p>“Don’t tell my mum, though,” Ish replied, properly looking at Benji now, instead of at the outlines of buildings out in the distance. They were close to the V&amp;A and some old churches, their spires cutting through the diluted blackness of the sky; the lights of the city never waned. “I’ll never hear the end of how what I’m doing is <em> haram </em>‘n that. She’ll come all the way from Brick Lane and scold me. It’s also strange because she cares more about me doing drugs and doesn’t care that much about me being queer, ironically, yeah.”</p><p>Tipping his head to the side, Benji raised an eyebrow. He felt a bit silly because he didn’t really know what Ish was going on about; he should had done his research. He grinned before saying: “You’re gonna have to dumb things down for me because I’m American.”</p><p>For the first time, Ish laughed, a pleasant sound to Benji’s ears. Pointing rightward, he said: “Brick Lane is just down there, still north of the River, innit. I can show you round there and also round here if you’d like. Plus, I’m sure Soledad would enjoy it, too. She says she never has time to do the touristy stuff.”</p><p>Benji would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed by this. If he had been single, he would have invited Ish into his bed right then and there. He found himself resting his head on his hand as he listened to Ish talk, but then he stood up and pulled away. So instead he said: “Yeah, that would be cool.”</p><p>“G’night, Benji,” Ish said with a small smile as he disappeared into the flat, leaving Benji alone to look out over the city. He watched as a man stumbled drunkenly down the pavement, shrieking before he started singing to himself.</p><p>Heart racing, Benji returned to his room, noting on his way that Soledad had vacated the couch. He turned on the lights and sat on his bed, pulling out his phone and texting Victor.</p><p>“<em> Hey, Vic ❤️ I miss you and wanted to see your face. Are you free to FaceTime?” </em></p><p>Almost immediately, Benji got the notification that Victor was calling him. He plugged in his headphones and answered the call, turning on the video to see Victor sitting shirtless on his porch.</p><p>“Hey, babe,” Victor smiled at him, shielding his eyes from the sun. “How was your first day in jolly old England?”</p><p>Giving Victor the once over and sighing in relief, he blushed. “It was pretty good. My housemates— er, <em> flatmates </em>, are pretty cool. Two of them still haven’t moved in yet but there’s still a few days before the semester starts so hopefully they’ll turn up soon. We’re gonna do some sightseeing tomorrow, though.”</p><p>“I knew this would be really good for you,” Victor admitted, the pang of jealousy gnawing at him despite his own words. “I’m so proud of you, y’know. You’re gonna become so worldly and cultured ‘n all that.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Benji sighed, his heart fluttering. “I just wish you could be here with me. Sleeping in a bed alone sucks.”</p><p>“Ugh, I know, right?” Victor replied, frowning. From the top of his screen, he got a notification that his lawyer had messaged him. “Also, I’m really glad to hear that you’re adjusting well, but I gotta go. My lawyer wants to talk to me, and you should get some sleep. It must be really late over there.”</p><p>“Good luck,” Benji said, blowing Victor a kiss. “I love you so much.”</p><p>“I love you more,” Victor insisted, blowing a kiss in return before grudgingly hanging up the phone.</p><p>Grumbling, Benji flopped down on his bed, going through his text messages until he got to the chain of messages he had with Mia. </p><p>“<em>omg I need advice and Victor can’t know about this” </em></p><p>He pressed send, and after a moment he saw the ellipses that indicated she was typing a response.</p><p>“<em>ok what’s up?” </em></p><p>Pausing, he realized that it wasn’t necessarily in the best taste to be talking to his boyfriend’s ex about this given how Victor and Benji had even gotten together in the first place, but considering he and Mia had become quite close over the years, he shrugged it off. The words just flew from his fingers as he typed.</p><p>“<em>so basically… one of my flatmates is a really hot British guy and he’s also really nice, but he offered me drugs and the whole thing is just tempting and I’m worried I might relapse and also I am pretty sure it WON’T happen but like, idk what to do? 🙈” </em></p><p>He chewed his lip as he waited for her to respond.</p><p>“<em>idk man just like… don’t do it? it’s not that hard idk what to tell you lol. maybe try therapy” </em></p><p>Smacking himself in the face, Benji sighed. </p><p>“<em>no but in all seriousness, keep yourself out of situations you know will mess you up and try to find distractions. you’ve got a lot to lose and i don’t want you to fuck things up. it’s not worth it. if you don’t I’ll fly to London and handcuff you to a wall so you can’t do anything dumb. but I’m not your babysitter so you gotta handle it yourself” </em></p><p>Nodding, he wrote her back quickly.</p><p>“<em>thanks, I’ll think on that 🥰” </em></p><p>“<em>np I’m always here if you wanna talk ❤️” </em></p><p>Benji read the previous message over a few times before setting his phone aside and shutting off the light. He slid under the covers, popping another Xanax before closing his eyes and imagining falling asleep in Victor’s arms before the slate of his mind was wiped clean again.</p><p><br/>
—————————</p><p> </p><p>Victor felt as if his life was standing still. And that thought persisted once he spoke to Benji, realizing how well he was doing without him. Victor should had been happier for his boyfriend for being on his journey to independence; but instead, he felt like he was being fucked hard with no lube. It wasn’t fair. And he knew life wasn’t always fair, but it was becoming especially apparent now. Benji and his friends were out having a good time and going to university, and he was stuck basically at the mercy of some rich twat who just wanted him to be miserable.</p><p>He exhaled loudly before he answered the call from his lawyer. </p><p>“Hey, I’m outside. Get dressed smart, we’re going to see Derek and his lawyer. And bring the evidence you found,” she said quickly.</p><p>He hadn’t had the chance to even open his mouth to respond when she hung up on him. Stumbling into his closet to find a suit to wear, Victor almost tripped putting on a nice pair of dress pants and a white button-up. He finished the look with a black blazer, a tie, and soft black leather loafers, and pocketed the bug he had found in Benji’s phone. His hair was a bit of a disaster, so he threw some water on it and ruffled it before running out the door almost running face-first into his lawyer.</p><p>“Hi, Victor. You sure took your time,” she said sarcastically, pushing him away from her. “If I knew you were gonna be that fast I would have called an hour later.”</p><p>Giving her a half-hearted grin, he straightened his blazer. “Hi, Teyana.”</p><p>Despite only reaching Victor’s shoulders, Teyana Jackson, Esquire was ten years older than Victor, with a good deal of experience as a defense attorney under her belt. Her curly black hair split into two ornate braids resting on each side of her neck, she held herself with pride. She wore a bright blue blazer with a matching skirt and black tights that just barely covered the massive flower tattoo that went up her entire right side. In only a few years out of law school, she had managed to make a name for herself and came highly recommended; Victor could tell she knew what she was doing. </p><p>She took two strides for Victor’s one but still somehow had Victor trying to keep up with her. </p><p>“All right, we’re meeting them at the restaurant. Since we’re gonna be on his turf, lemme give you some ground rules. And I’m not telling you this just because. He’s gonna try to make your life hell.”</p><p>“Try? He’s already managing just fine,” Victor countered, burying his hands in his pockets.</p><p>“I know. But listen, the more you cooperate, the better the deal will be. Be on your best behavior so they don’t have a reason to make things worse. Trust me.”</p><p>They rounded the corner to Derek’s family’s restaurant, which Victor had technically been banned from going to, but Derek had made an exception for the sake of handling their meetings. He could see Derek’s smug face staring at him through the window of the otherwise empty restaurant as they entered. He sat at the table farthest from the entrance with his lawyer beside him, an equally sleazy-looking middle-aged white man with a combover that barely covered his splotchy pink scalp. </p><p>“Welcome,” Derek said, arms outstretched. His face had mostly healed from the incident, but it hadn’t made him look like any less of a pompous asshole.</p><p>“Good afternoon,” Teyana said politely, gesturing for Victor to sit down across from Derek as she sat beside him and across from Derek’s lawyer. “Thanks for meeting us.”</p><p>Victor said nothing, simply nodding. He was putting his life in Teyana’s hands.</p><p>“We’d like to see the terms of your deal,” Teyana said.</p><p>Derek’s lawyer produced a sheet of paper, and Teyana read it before handing it to Victor to read, too.</p><p>“So you just want an apology, anger management, and community service? That’s it?” Teyana asked suspiciously, stroking her chin. It seemed too good to be true.</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor stared at Derek. He knew it could be worse. But he would also rather let himself get punched in the face until he was concussed than apologize to Derek.</p><p>“I mean, given the fact that I had my jaw wired shut for two months and had to eat through a straw, I’d say it’s generous, don’t you think?” Derek said, frowning dramatically. “It really hurt. And I know you can’t afford to pay the damages.”</p><p>“Do you want a verbal apology or one in writing?” Victor asked, gritting his teeth. He tried to ignore the dig Derek gave him, but Derek could tell he hit a nerve.</p><p>“Verbal, please,” Derek replied, grinning as he watched Victor get redder and redder with rage. “What, you wanna hit me again?”</p><p>Teyana clamped her hand down on Victor’s shoulder hard. “I’m gonna advise my client <em> not </em>to answer that question. Can we be excused for a moment?”</p><p>Derek gave Teyana a sly grin as she grabbed Victor by the arm and dragged him to another part of the restaurant.</p><p>“Look, I know you want to knock that rich white boy into next week as much as I do, but this isn’t the way to do it. I’m sure you know the law doesn’t like us. And you look like a baby deer, they would eat you alive in court. Plus, a jury is gonna see him and see a kid who can be their son. Unfortunately, you don’t have that luxury,” Teyana explained in a loud whisper. “So calm the fuck down and take the deal. Sometimes you just need to take what you can get and settle, you know? Trying to stick it to him is only gonna hurt you, not him. So… do you wanna take it, or do you wanna be another statistic?”</p><p>Massaging his temples, Victor thought about it. He had already missed several weeks of school because of this. And as soon as he finished this he could start living the life he was supposed to live. He <em> was </em>lucky he wasn’t being taken to criminal court or to trial. And he needed an excuse to finally start anger management because he knew he would put it off if he had the choice.</p><p>“Fine,” Victor spit, “I’ll take the damn deal. The apology is definitely just to spite me, isn’t it.”</p><p>“Yeah, but don’t fuck it up. I know you’re paying me but it’s about more than that now,” Teyana replied, leading him back to the table where Derek sat waiting with a falsely cherubic smile on his face. </p><p>“So, what’ll it be?” Derek asked innocently, taking up space as he stretched.</p><p>“Can we do the apology now?” Victor asked with a heavy sigh. </p><p>“No need to rush, take your time. I want you to mean it,” Derek said, setting his phone down on the table, ready to press record. “Whenever you’re ready.”</p><p>“Oh, and just to help you think more clearly…” Derek’s lawyer said, setting down another sheet of paper on the table. “Here are the terms if your apology is unsatisfactory for my client…”</p><p>“A hundred grand in damages… half of it for medical bills and the other half for pain and suffering, both emotional and physical?” Teyana said after she read the document. “What emotional suffering?”</p><p>“He knows what I mean,” Derek replied, jutting his chin toward Victor. “You stole Benji from me.”</p><p>“I didn’t <em> steal </em> him, he dumped you. People aren’t <em> objects, </em>Derek. You can’t possess a human being,” Victor replied, holding the bridge of his nose. </p><p>“Not for the right amount of money,” Derek countered with a grin, his canines glinting. </p><p>“Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s <em> enough </em>,” Teyana warned. “Let’s get this apology over with so we can leave. I have places to be.”</p><p>Victor went silent. He was seething.</p><p>“You can always work off the hundred grand under me in here,” Derek said, motioning to his surroundings as he leaned back in his chair. </p><p><em> Oh hell no, </em>Victor thought, taking deep breaths. At this point, anger management would be a blessing. </p><p>“Okay, I’m ready,” Victor said quietly. He had to get it over with before he lost his nerve. “I’ll say it.”</p><p>Derek looked surprised, glancing to his lawyer, who mirrored his expression. “Go ahead, then.”</p><p>“I, Victor Salazar, hereby apologize for punching Derek in the face. While I wish I could go back in time and <em> not </em> do it, the damage has been done, and I accept the consequences of my actions,” Victor said, sighing in defeat. <em> Man I hate your fucking guts and wish you would drop dead. Also please God if you’re actually real, please make it happen. Amen. Please don’t send me to hell by the way, I’m trying my best to not be terrible.  </em></p><p>“That’s all I wanted to hear,” Derek said, his voice dripping with false sweetness as he pressed “stop recording” and pocketed his phone. “Well, we’re done here.”</p><p>As Derek stood to leave, he tripped over his own feet, landing backward on the ground, a sickening <em> crunch </em>cutting through the air as blood started pooling from his head.</p><p>Holding his hands up in front of him, Victor could only stare, his face going pale. This time, it wasn’t his fault.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope y’all aren’t too mad at me haha. This definitely made me feel a type of way to write lol. Your comments help me write as well so I like hearing what you think!! Looking forward to further updates!! ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Intervention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor lets off steam; Benji tries to make a plan.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, it's me again. Thanks so much for sticking with the story so far, I appreciate your support. I hope it continues to be an enjoyable experience. And I also hope I don't upset ya'll too much with this update because it really did hurt to write. Anyway, enjoy! :^)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Vic, you look like <em> shit,</em>" Benji said with a grimace. </p><p>“Hello to you, too, my boyfriend who I love very much,” Victor replied half-heartedly. Compared to a few days ago, Victor did in fact look like shit; his eyes were sunken, with dark shadows beneath them, his face sallow and thin, lacking its normal luster. He looked like he had lost a few pounds in a matter of days due to not eating or sleeping properly, and his expression looked dead, as if he would keel over and fall asleep at any moment. His hair, which was normally nearly combed, went every which way, a chaotic tumbleweed on his head; his usually clean-shaven face had been overrun by stubble which would soon develop into a full beard and make him resemble a character from an Alexandre Dumas novel.</p><p>“What happened?” Benji asked, lowering his voice as his eyebrows knit together. </p><p>“I don’t even know where to start,” Victor mumbled, covering his face with his hands. “Literally <em> so much </em>has happened these past few days.”</p><p>Drawing his covers closer to his hoodie-clad frame, Benji made himself more comfortable in his bed. “Talk to me. I don’t want you to bottle up your feelings. It’s not healthy.”</p><p>“You sound like my therapist… Anyway, so you know how I spoke to my lawyer the other day… well we went to meet with… <em> Derek </em> … and I basically got off with a slap on the wrist because I just have to do community service and go to anger management <em> and </em> of course he wanted a verbal apology so he could torture me,” Victor rattled off, taking a pause only to breathe partway through his thought. His expression changed as he continued, his eyes overflowing with tears that he allowed to fall. “But now he’s… in a <em> coma. </em> I prayed that something bad would happen to him but I didn’t ask for this. Not seriously, at least. <em> ” </em></p><p>Benji froze. He didn’t love Derek and he never had, but something about this revelation made Benji’s stomach drop into the ground. “What the fuck?!”</p><p>“Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything to him. And there are witnesses who can confirm that it was an accident. He fell and hit his head and almost <em> died </em> in front of me,” Victor said, rubbing his temples. He sniffled, his arm shaking as he wiped his nose in his sleeve. “But there was so much <em> blood…” </em></p><p>“Damn, Victor,” was all Benji could say, frowning. “Does that mean you can go to school? Or are you taking a mental health leave?”</p><p>“That’s the other thing,” Victor said, taking a shaky breath before continuing on at the speed of a high-speed train. “They’re letting me go to school and be on the basketball team, but I need to make-up all the work from the beginning of the semester while also busting my ass on the team, and <em> also </em> doing anger management, regular therapy for my apparent PTSD, <em> and </em>community service. I have no idea how I’m gonna manage this all, it’s insane. I’ll be lucky if I can barely scrape together a decent-enough GPA to keep my scholarship.”</p><p>Swallowing the lump in his throat, Victor wiped his eyes in his sleeves, not even caring that he looked like a mess. Benji’s heart tightened in his chest as he watched, wishing he could hold Victor to his chest and kiss his head and tell him everything would be fine. His jaw tensed as he tried to come up with a solution, the gears in his brain beginning to turn. “I’ll think of a way to help you, babe. I promise. But for now you need to breathe.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Victor replied, all but collapsing with his head in his arms. After a moment he sat up straight, inhaling deeply as he wiped his face with a tissue, feeling like he had spent all his tears. “And thank you for listening. I realize I just sorta dumped all that on you.”</p><p>Giving Victor a soft smile, Benji pushed some of his own hair out of his face. “That’s what I’m here for. It might seem like you’re going through a lot right now, but you’re not in it alone. I might not be there with you physically but I’m always gonna be rooting for you, okay? And that actually reminds me… not to derail, but y’know how I told you a few years ago about how I drove through that Wendy’s as a teenager?”</p><p>Shifting in his seat, Victor tipped his head to the side. “I’m getting the feeling there’s more to this story…”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I didn’t include the part of me being suicidal at the time. I wasn’t just drunk, I legitimately wanted to die, to put it bluntly. The alcohol wasn’t doing the job fast enough, so I… wanted to speed things up,” Benji said quietly, looking away from Victor. It was still his greatest shame, but he didn’t want to keep things from the person he considered the love of his life. The long repressed tears stung at his eyes, and he could see Victor getting emotional, too. “Anyway… after that incident, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. So my point is I get it. The circumstances are a bit different, but I know that there’s a lot going on in your head.”</p><p>Nodding solemnly, Victor’s face softened. “Thank you for telling me about that. I had no idea. That must have been hard for you…”</p><p>“Thank you…” Benji sighed. “As I said, I didn’t want to make light of what you’re going through, but just know that I’ve been through it, too. So you’re not alone. And I guess there was never a better opportunity for me to come clean about that because it’s still really humiliating…”</p><p>“Either way, I’m happy you’re still here,” Victor said earnestly, smiling genuinely this time, his face warming for a moment. “You’re truly the love of my life, Benji.”</p><p>For some reason Victor had caught Benji off guard with this, and he blinked back some tears; some unfortunately slipped past, and he sniffed and wiped them away. They sat quietly for a moment simply enjoying each other’s presence and taking in the words they had exchanged as they weighed heavily on each of their minds.</p><p>“Anyway… maybe we should talk about something a bit… lighter. How have things been with you?” Victor asked, his face having returned unconsciously to its exhausted scowl.</p><p>Pursing his lips, Benji contemplated whether he wanted to tell the full truth as Victor watched him, his brown eyes heavy in his face like two unpolished wooden dots. Benji felt a bit guilty, as if he were somehow partially responsible for Victor’s misery, but he pushed that thought from his mind. Victor didn’t need to know everything that was going on in his mind, after all. “I’ve been fine. Mostly just doing homework.”</p><p>“Anything interesting?” Victor ventured, furrowing his brows.</p><p>“Uhh it’s mostly just composition stuff. It’s kinda fun, I suppose. And maybe that makes me a huge nerd but oh well,” Benji smiled. “Also it smells like my flatmates are cooking something. Are you cool with me introducing you?”</p><p>“Sure. Lemme fix my hair,” Victor said as Benji rose from his bed, carrying him aloft. He gave his boyfriend a couple of seconds to collect himself before stepping out into the corridor.</p><p>“You look all right now,” Benji mused. “The facial hair makes you look older and wiser. Like a sexy wizard.”</p><p>Reddening, Victor couldn’t help but laugh. Benji padded into the kitchen where Ish and Soledad were finishing up dinner, peering in. He didn’t want to take up too much space in the already cramped kitchen, but he smiled at Soledad as she looked up at him. </p><p>“What are you guys cooking?” Benji asked. “Also I’m on the phone with my boyfriend Victor, figured I’d introduce him to the Rainbow Squad, especially since I talk about him so much.”</p><p>Soledad chuckled, waving at Victor in greeting and chatting animatedly. Ish waved as well, stirring one of the pots that bubbled away on the stove. </p><p>“You’ll just have to find out what it is,” Soledad said with a grin, taking out a few plates for them all. </p><p>“Wait, you’re sharing with me? That’s so nice of you, thanks.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course, you think we’re just gonna cook and not share with the rest of you lot?” Soledad added as she took one of the <em> roti </em>off the pan. </p><p>“I love how you’re offering everyone food <em> I </em>cooked,” Ish said with a laugh. “But it’s true, yeah; there’s enough for everyone. I won’t eat this all myself.”</p><p>Benji wandered out of the kitchen into the living room where his two other flatmates, Nikita and Rhiannon sat chatting. They had arrived a few days after Benji, Rhiannon from Cork and Nikita also from London. Tragically, they were heterosexual, so they couldn’t complete the Rainbow Squad, but they seemed fairly progressive and kind, and Benji liked them just as well. He introduced Victor to them as well and they chatted for a moment before he slipped back into his room. </p><p>“Seems like you have a good group in there,” Victor said with a smile, which felt a bit forced. He didn’t want to bring Benji down to misery island with him. “I’m glad you’re having fun.”</p><p>Smiling back, Benji could tell Victor was trying to be supportive but he understood that it’s hard to be happy for others when things seem like they’re falling apart in one’s surroundings. </p><p>“I know things are hard right now, but trust me, you’ll pull through. And I hope talking with me is helpful. Let’s schedule in more time like this, okay?” Benji suggested, sitting back down on his bed. He didn’t want Victor to resent him, even if it wasn’t his fault. <em> If I hadn’t fucked off to London, maybe things would be better for him. </em></p><p>Shaking his head, Benji forced the thought from his mind. Victor eyed him with downcast eyes.</p><p>“The thing is, I don’t know how much free time I’ll have with all the stuff I have to do now,” Victor said with a heavy sigh. “But you’re right, we do need to spend more time talking to each other. I don’t want to grow apart from you. So long as I’m not overwhelming you with my… really depressing life. I will try to be less of a downer, though. I promise.”</p><p>Victor chuckled sadly, and Benji felt himself tearing up. The last time he had seen Victor look so defeated was when he had promised to stay out of Derek and Benji’s way all those years ago, and this showed Benji what a selfless person Victor truly was. He couldn’t let him remain a shell of a man any longer.</p><p>“We can always chat while we do our homework,” Benji thought aloud, stroking his chin. “It’ll be a good distraction. I’m usually free at this hour anyway, and if you are, too, we can pencil in study dates.”</p><p>“That sounds good,” Victor nodded. He looked relieved. </p><p>Down the hall, Benji heard Soledad’s voice call out that dinner was ready. He had forgotten how hungry he was.</p><p>“Listen, I gotta go. But I’ll see you tomorrow,” Benji said, turning his attention back to Victor. His voice almost broke when he said: “I’m gonna figure out a way I can help you. I love you so much.”</p><p>“I love you, too. I don’t know what I would do without you,” Victor replied, choking up. He breathed deeply in an attempt to keep his tears in. “Bye.”</p><p>They parted by blowing kisses to one another before ending the call. </p><p>Dropping his phone and balling his fists, Benji rubbed his eyes in frustration. For a moment he just cried angrily before he paused. He had a thought. </p><p>Their friends from high school were all still in Georgia, with Felix, Mia and Andrew all attending Georgia State, too. They would be able to do a lot more than him in this situation, and the proximity was vital.</p><p>Creating the group chat with Mia, Felix, Andrew, Lake and Pilar, Benji composed a message to them:</p><p>“<em>ya’ll, Victor seriously needs help. I wish I could do something but since I’m not there I can’t really help much aside from offering emotional support. Is there anyway y’all can help out? 🧐” </em></p><p>Benji explained the situation to get everyone up to speed, but Mia and Felix were already mostly in the loop since they still kept in regular contact with Victor. Pilar was somewhat aware, but Victor had tried to keep his family out of the legal matters for their own sake. </p><p>A moment later, the familiar ellipses showed up in the chat as a few people began typing.</p><p>Mia said:</p><p>“<em>good idea, Benji. I’d be happy to help him w homework. don’t want him to flunk out”  </em></p><p>Pilar replied with: </p><p>“<em>was literally about to bring him some pancakes bc he seemed like he needed them 😪” </em></p><p>Benji smiled at the swift responses from their friends. Even Andrew seemed willing to help, which was ironic given their barely-tolerating-each-other relationship which had eventually grown to one of mutual respect. Sighing in relief, Benji felt like Victor was in good hands. He just hoped their friends followed through on their promises.</p><p>Setting his phone aside, Benji exited his room to the kitchen, where his flatmates gestured for him to join them. They chatted over a dinner of <em> dal </em> chicken and <em> roti, </em>getting to know each other. Benji could get used to these communal dinners, because they made him feel like he had a place where he belonged. For a moment, he forgot the problems going on back home in Atlanta.</p><p>Once they finished supping, Benji couldn’t recall a time when he had eaten such a tasty and filling meal. He helped clean up and wash the dishes, asking Ish how much he owed for groceries before earning a tut and a head shake that meant “<em> don’t worry about it”. </em>For next time, Benji offered to cook something for his new friends, and they agreed with doubtful looks on his cooking abilities, which made him laugh. </p><p>After cleaning up, Benji returned to his room to see the group chat blowing up. He saw that things had derailed a bit from the original subject, but Benji wasn’t upset about it. Sometimes they needed some levity. </p><p>A new notification from Victor caught Benji’s eye, and he opened the message immediately. </p><p>
  <em> “Thank you so much for helping me. Knowing there are people who care and who will try to help me help myself has put things into perspective. I think I can do this. I love you. ❤️” </em>
</p><p>As simple as the task seemed in hindsight, Benji was glad things were handled for now. The weight of Victor’s struggle floated off his own shoulders, and he could breathe again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading and supporting, I really appreciate it! And as always, I love hearing what you think and where you think things will go. Your feedback really gives me fuel to continue. Anyway, see you in the next chapter! :^) (rubs my evil gay hands together as I think of more ways to torture our poor boys.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Intoxication</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A day in Victor's life.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, back with another installment. I wrote this on the plane back to London from Poland and found it to be a fun experiment and escape from the anxiety of travel. I'm really looking forward to hearing what ya'll think about this, because it definitely starts getting into some heavy subject matter (even tho the whole story has kinda been building to go in that direction anyway). Enjoy! :^)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite the collective efforts of him, Benji, and his friends, Victor was still barely treading water.</p><p>Alarm blaring at 5 AM, cutting short any dreams he may have been having (which he would soon forget about in a moment anyway), Victor swatted at his phone on his night table, knocking it off. He sighed, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he dragged himself out of bed to quiet the noise that honestly was giving him war flashbacks. If he didn’t need it, and if he hadn’t gotten homework from his anger management therapist, he could have easily sent that cursed device into the wall where it belonged so it would just <em> shut the hell up. </em>Instead, he took some deep breaths and rose to dress himself.</p><p>He didn’t put much thought into his outfit, pulling out the first flannel he touched and pairing it with a pair of dark brown trousers. Blue and brown. Not the worst he could concoct, and he was thankful his wardrobe didn’t consist of any really outlandish colors or else he could easily embarrass himself. Not that he cared, of course. He had bigger fish to fry. </p><p>Grabbing his bag, he stuffed his basketball uniform inside which he had luckily had the chance to wash and dry last night. He didn’t always have that option. Yawning, he threw his laptop in the bag along with the books he had left open on his desk the night before, doing a once-over before turning to leave his room. Who had time to make their bed these days?</p><p>He checked his phone. 5:07. A little late but not too bad. Shuffling into the kitchen, he glanced around. Sometimes, Isabel would be awake complaining about not being able to sleep and would offer to make him breakfast; today was not one of those days. </p><p>Groaning, Victor opened the fridge to see what he could eat. He didn’t have much of an appetite but it would be good to have something before he left the house. There was some leftover roast chicken and rice, and he contemplated if there were any better options before taking out the Tupperware containers and making himself a plate. He placed it in the microwave, pulling out his phone as he waited.</p><p>There were a few notifications: one from Mia from the middle of the night, and one from Benji, who was already probably in class.</p><p>Mia had said: </p><p>
  <em> “Meet me for a study session today at 2.” </em>
</p><p>Rubbing his face with his hand, Victor gritted his teeth. </p><p>He wrote back:</p><p>“<em>Okay, thanks. See you then 😌” </em></p><p>Going down the list of messages, he smiled despite himself as he opened what Benji had sent him. </p><p>“<em>Good luck today 🍀 I know you can do it! 💪🏼 Also I’m working on a song inspired by you so hopefully I can finish it soon and share it with you. Love you, V. ❤️” </em></p><p>Shaking his head, Victor wrote back:</p><p>“<em>Hope your day goes well too~ 😌❤️ Looking forward to hearing what you’ve got in store for me. 🥰” </em></p><p>Truthfully, the messages and calls with Benji were some of the only things that gave him any pleasure these days. As he finished composing his message, the microwave <em> ding </em>ed and Victor all but jumped out of his seat at the table. He grabbed his food, hissing as he touched the hot plate (he never learned did he), almost dropping it as he carried it to the table. It was already 5:15 and he was running behind. </p><p>Shoveling fork-fulls of unevenly heated food into his mouth and having to pause whenever he burned his mouth, Victor tried his best to keep his food down. It was hard to eat at this hour in the morning, but he didn’t have time to waste. When he had finished his plate, feeling nauseous, he put it in the dishwasher.</p><p>He had wasted time with reading his messages and now he was paying for it. Opening the fridge again, he pulled out some bread and various fillings — ham, cheese, lettuce, pickles, the works — and threw together some sandwiches for himself for later. Dining hall food was expensive. He packed another portion of leftovers despite already tiring of the flavor, and shoved everything into his school bag along with a few bottles of Gatorade and water. </p><p>It was 5:45 when he got into the car, cursing under his breath. Putting the keys in the ignition, the engine stalled. He tried a few more times. No dice. </p><p>The little symbol telling him he needed an oil change (which he had ignored, of course) came on again. He smashed his fist on the steering wheel, honking the horn by accident and setting his heartbeat off before he exited the car and went back into his apartment to find some replacement oil.</p><p>There was a bit left and he would have to buy more later, so he made a mental note which he of course promptly forgot once he had taken care of the initial problem of his car not starting. Exhaling in relief once his car finally showed itself to not be a complete piece of trash, he drove off to have a visit with his anger management therapist. It was 6:02.</p><p>Ironically, Victor had to drive almost an hour away in the middle of buttfuck nowhere to go to anger management, which tested his patience. Unfortunately, this was the only way he could save money. So he went.</p><p>His anger management therapist’s name was Dr. Franklin Delgado, a man approaching retirement age who was one of the calmest people Victor had ever met. He spoke with a soft, slow Southern drawl that almost put Victor to sleep. His office was full of plants, many browned with neglect, but still adding to the ambience of calm that made Victor feel like he was being engulfed by a cloud. </p><p>The session had gone as well as he would have expected — he reflected on some past events and why he flew off the handle. It was good to not be treated like he was crazy or a burden, and Victor appreciated that, especially when Dr. Delgado tried to get him to really dig deep. They parted with more homework for Victor to work on helping himself calm down. Hopefully his regular therapy appointment would help with that.</p><p>It was already 8, and Victor had his first class at 9. He wasn’t looking forward to sitting in traffic and yet here he was, doing just that. Luckily, he had gotten a handle on the map of Georgia State’s campus, so that saved him a bit of stress. Still, his blood pressure was rising, and he turned the radio on in an attempt to sedate himself. </p><p>Once he arrived on campus at 8:50, he parked and grabbed his things, running as fast as he could, arriving just in front of the professor at 8:59. He heaved as he sat down at one of the unoccupied tables in the lecture hall, scrambling to get his things out as the professor started lecturing on constitutional law. </p><p>Victor could feel himself dozing off already, and this was exacerbated by the professor’s lecture style. He tried to be discrete as he rummaged through his bag, finding his golden ticket in the bottom: a small bag of pills. Taking one out of the little ziploc baggie before closing the bag and dropping it back inside where it came from, Victor glanced around before popping the pill and taking a sip of water.</p><p>After a few minutes he felt the Adderall kick in, his brain wired as he took notes so fast his wrists started to hurt. The lecture went by quickly and by noon, he felt like he had gotten a second wind of energy. Once he exited the lecture hall, he could feel a pang of hunger hitting him again. It had been a while since he’d eaten, and so he allowed himself to sit down on a bench outside to eat one of his sandwiches. </p><p>His next class was at 11:30, and this one was slightly less boring but equally intense — American legal history. He continued taking notes but was thankful that the professor had a more engaging pedagogical style, and found himself absorbing more of the information. </p><p>Finally, it was 2, and Victor was meant to meet Mia for a study session. He met up with her at the quad, where she grabbed a table for them and helped him with some of his assignments and copying notes from chemistry and philosophy. She tried to help him with his other coursework but since she was studying art, they didn’t have a whole lot of classes in common. Victor was still grateful for her help. </p><p>They studied together for almost two hours, with Victor eating another sandwich as he worked, until Victor had to run to basketball practice at 4. He popped another Adderall, washing it down with Gatorade, as he ran across campus to the gym to change into proper clothes for practice. When he saw Andrew, he nodded at him in acknowledgement, before throwing on his clothes and meeting the team on the court.</p><p>Practice finished at 6, and Victor bolted back into the locker room to shower and change into some clean clothes. By 6:30, he was back in his car making his way to his therapist’s office, eating as he drove. Luckily there was a good therapist covered by his family’s insurance not far from school, and by 7, he was there.</p><p>While there were no major breakthroughs that day, Victor was happy they had finally moved off the topic of Derek and his incident. There was only so much he could say about it and he felt like he had said it all. His therapist, an old white woman named Dr. Rebecca Hall (who was of course recommended by Simon’s mother Emily), reminded him a bit of his grandmother but much less homophobic, thankfully. She actually seemed interested in his love life, ironically, and asked him how he was dealing with being away from Benji. He admitted it was difficult, but he was happy to talk about Benji until he ran out of breath.</p><p>Their hour was up too quickly, but Victor was looking forward to their next session. He collected his things and left. It was 8, and he still had one more thing on his to-do list that day: his mandated community service. This was probably the least annoying part of his day ironically, because at least he got to spend some time with animals at the local animal shelter, even if it was mostly just to clean up after them, at least he got the chance to play with them a bit. It helped him de-stress a bit after a long day.</p><p>He clocked out at 9, driving back home and arriving at 9:30. Pilar and Isabel were curled up on the couch watching television, and they greeted him with yawns as he entered. Isabel had cooked some fish stew and told Victor to help himself, which he did without hesitation. He took his food with him to his room, eating as he continued on his schoolwork.</p><p>By midnight, when his eyes strained to stay open against the light of his laptop, Victor figured it was time to go to bed. He stripped down to his underwear before sliding under his covers, feeling heavy. Closing his eyes, he waited for sleep to come.</p><p>When it didn’t, he opened his eyes, frowning. He’d been up for eighteen hours; he should be passing out by now.</p><p>Sighing, Victor opened his night table and moved some objects around, withdrawing another bag, this one full of dry, wrinkled green pieces of plant. He sat up as he pulled out a box of cigarillos, slicing one of them open and emptying the contents into another piece of paper, which he folded up and set aside. Separating the plant pieces by crushing them with his fingers, he sprinkled them inside the split cigarillo and closed it back up with his spit. It was incredibly ugly and looked like it had been made by a child, but it would do. He snapped part of it off and hid the rest where he had found it, pulling out a lighter and taking it along with the folded paper of tobacco into the bathroom with him.</p><p>He flushed the tobacco down the toilet, opened the window, and stuffed the bottom of the door with a towel to keep the stench of weed from floating through the house and giving him away. Lighting the tiny, shitty blunt, Victor leaned out the window and inhaled, doing what he had been told and trying his best <em> not </em>to cough. He held the smoke in his lungs for a moment before giving a shaky exhale. </p><p>After a few more hits, Victor eyed the blunt and thought about the money he had spent to make it, and got rid of the rest. He already felt the high overtaking him, relaxing him and making him feel like he would pass out. Fanning out the bathroom for a moment, Victor then wandered down the corridor back to his bed, finally letting sleep overtake him.</p><p>When he woke up, he felt like there was water in his lungs. He was in the middle of a vast expanse of water with no shores or boats in sight. His head was barely above water, dunking underneath every so often. Soon, he knew the sea would claim him. His clothes weighed him down, sticking to him like they, too, feared the tide would swallow them. </p><p>The sky was dark, opening up to the most brilliant view of the Milky Way he had ever seen. Purples, blues, and oranges accompanied by trillions of tiny white dots stretched above and before him, making him stop his movements simply so he could stare in awe.</p><p>He felt something grab his leg and he looked down, spitting salty water from his mouth as a familiar face rose from the depths to greet him, knocking him out of his dumbfounded stare. </p><p>Benji kissed him, his lips soft just as he remembered them. For a moment, Victor stopped struggling, simply gazing at Benji, his hair dripping with seawater but looking angelic regardless. But in the blink of an eye, Benji’s eyes turned black, his teeth sharpening into points. Victor hadn’t noticed that Benji had latched onto him, pinning his arms to his sides. </p><p>As Benji grinned, he pulled Victor down to the depths with him, and all Victor could do was scream and let the sea invade him.</p><p>Shooting up from his bed in a cold sweat, Victor’s eyes went wide and he looked like he had just seen a ghost. Perhaps he had.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks again for reading and supporting. I'm happy to hear ya'll's comments because I feel like this chapter is gonna get some emotional responses from ya'll. Also, what do ya'll think of these sorts of "day in the life of" chapters? I know it's a bit different, but it's also useful for understanding the conflicts that arise between Venji. Anyway, thanks again and see you in the next chapter! :^)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Assimilation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A day in Benji’s life, or: Benji examines what it means to be an American abroad.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, thanks for coming back for another installment. This was an interesting chapter for me to write because a lot of it is based on my own experience of moving to London and having to deal w what it means to be American when you’re living abroad. I think most introspective people will experience a big shift in how they see the world as a result. Anyway, this is one of the more political chapters, so to speak, although I’m sure you’ve noticed throughout the story that politics almost always comes up. Enjoy ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Benji’s eyes fluttered open, as if pulled by tiny fairy threads, the soft, grey-orange glow illuminating the area. He blinked a few times, taking in the rolling waves of grass that seemed to pulsate with the movement of the light, mimicking the waves of the sea when the wind fluttered over them. Despite the movement happening around him, it felt as if time stood still; the repetitive motion was predictable, as if the moment was caught in a loop of Time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Under his head he could hear the familiar steadiness of a heart beating; after all, he had found himself in this position countless times. Rising slowly, Benji glanced down at Victor’s sleeping form, his face peaceful. It felt like it had been an eternity since he had seen his lover in such a state, his face plump and warm with color, relaxed. Benji cupped Victor’s face in his hand and smiled to himself, careful not to disturb him. He gazed off into the distance, seeing the massive fluffy wild cows close by, grazing as if they had not a care in the world -- and they didn’t. The area looked familiar, like someplace he had gone to in London while he was awake, but he couldn’t remember where. Wanting to lie back down beside Victor and simply watch the world go by, Benji paused as he saw a figure approaching them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t feel threatened, per se, but he felt like he was being interrupted. As the figure approached, he realized it was Ish, and he relaxed a bit, waving at him. Once Ish had come closer, silently minimizing the distance between them, the wind picked up around them, making Benji shiver as it hit his bare skin. He suddenly felt extremely vulnerable, conscious for the first time of his and Victor’s nakedness, as Ish observed him with unblinking eyes while Victor slept beside him, ignorant to his surroundings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening his mouth to speak, Benji was cut off by a sharp sound penetrating the air, breaking him away from the scene of utter bliss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looked around again, his eyes met the four corners of his room, and he sighed, reaching out to find the source of the ridiculous piercing menace that ruined a perfectly good dream. It was one of the better ones he had had lately, in fact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to retain the memory of the dream, realizing when he was awake that it had taken place at the Walthamstow Marshes, where he and his flatmates had gone the other day. Of course he had taken photos and tried to commit it to memory, vowing that one day he would come back and do some plein air painting if he had time. It had been a bit out of the way even of Brick Lane, but Benji was a sucker for green spaces in cities and the contrast between the industrial skyline and the robustness of nature.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking down at his phone after he had finally quieted it, Benji took his time getting out of bed. It was 9 am and he didn’t have class until 10; plus, it was a short bike ride away to get to campus, so he didn’t need to fuss with public transportation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once again, though, Benji woke up fucking starving. There was the normal sort of hunger that one got from sleeping and then waking up, but then there was the benzo-induced hunger that made things ten times worse especially when that sensation came with a lack of appetite. He definitely wasn’t going to eat breakfast at home that morning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening the shades and letting the overcast daylight into his room, Benji watched people down the road at the tail end of peak time rushing to their places of work and study. He pulled on a pair of dark jeans, a grey sweater, and his signature black leather jacket before grabbing his guitar and his school bag and exiting his room. Luckily, he hadn’t had to make too many wardrobe modifications, as his style was already fairly similar to what he saw people wearing around London. However, he had a feeling that he, too, would soon share Londoners love for athleisure-wear if he stayed there long enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His flatmates were all in the throes of getting ready for class, too, as they were all in the composition program and thus, they all usually went to campus together. Benji greeted each of them in turn as he passed them while walking down the corridor, corralling them all to hurry up. He stepped into his black Chelsea boots and headed out the door to the Boris Bike rack to wait for them to join him, checking his phone for any notifications.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was still a bit early for Victor to be awake, Benji realized, shrugging as he pocketed his phone, waving to Soledad as she led the rest of the flat over. They each took a bike and went off north, toward the Royal Academy of Music’s campus in Marylebone, which was also conveniently located by Regents Park. The route also gave them the opportunity to cut through Hyde Park, and luckily at this time of year there weren’t as many tourists as usual so there was less of a risk of running someone over by accident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Racking his bike, Benji ran toward the nearest coffee shop to quickly grab a bite to eat and some coffee, accompanied by Rhiannon and Ish, who also hadn’t had time to eat beforehand. Soledad and Nikita went on ahead with the expectation that the others would catch up soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In typical white girl fashion, Benji, Rhiannon, and Ish arrived to class a few minutes late, coffees in hand. Lucky for them, their lecturer arrived later than them, giving very few shits about taking attendance despite the notoriously small class size. For the next few hours, they took notes on music composition and tried their hands at their own original works, which they would present at the end of the semester. Benji enjoyed it, and found the collaborative group environment to be beneficial for helping him hone his skills. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He even found that his peers took his feedback seriously, which for some reason, he found hard to accept. It was hard to stop himself from prefacing everything he said with the typical “this is just my opinion, but” and finishing with “I hope that makes sense” or something to that effect. This earned him some amused grins from his peers and he generally believed they were simply having a laugh with him and not at his expense, but he could never be sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Class finished around one, and Benji and his flatmates contemplated what to do for lunch. Their university was in an area which was unfortunately overpriced (like the rest of London to an extent) because it was right in the center of Tourist Town. The prime location and beautiful view of course came with a heavy price tag, so they decided to seek out someplace more amenable to their wallets. Some of their classmates joined them, tagging along to their little ragtag group. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite being in the same class, they didn’t all get the chance to get to know each other. Many of the students were British but many were also international, which made Benji feel a bit less intimidated. But as with a lot of interactions Benji has had, the conversation would inevitably turn to politics, and things usually went off like this:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After introductions, he would get a “Oh, are you American or Canadian? Love your accent.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With which Benji would sheepishly reply that he was American, and thus, open the floodgates to more questions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think of Donald Trump?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who did you vote for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the class system like in the US?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard America is basically a third world country with a Gucci belt. Thoughts?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are police murdering Black people? That’s barbaric! Why is your country so racist?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, Benji had been put off by these conversations. It wasn’t something one talked about with one’s family let alone strangers one has met for the first time. But he found that these questions became easier to field once he had gotten the chance to think about them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all, Benji was a white working class kid from a big city in the Deep South, born to somewhat-but-not-terribly religious parents, and who also happened to be in an interracial relationship, which had also taught him a lot about cultural divides and what it meant to exist as himself in environments not designed for him. It also made him acutely aware of his own place in the world, and how while it might be easy to get defensive at being confronted with issues of nationality, race, class, he knew that he had more to learn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they made their way to a cheap student-praised restaurant in the northern part of the city, Benji calmly asked for his new acquaintances to enlighten him because he was curious about their thoughts. And slowly, he began to realize how much of what he knew about his own country was colored by forces outside of his control. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily, he hadn’t voted, but that was more because Benji hadn’t been old enough at the time, so he didn’t have to deal with the shame and ridicule associated with being a Trump supporter. Not that he ever </span>
  <em>
    <span>would </span>
  </em>
  <span>be a Trump supporter, of course. The entire prospect made him laugh. But if he were someone else, who looked the way he did, it’s possible he would have. Sitting with that thought was sobering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, he had been forced to deal with the realities of his social class from when he was young; he had grown up frequenting thrift stores not in the typical gentrifier fashion to get cheap designer goods, but because that was legitimately the place where he could get decent clothes at an affordable price. There was no shame in that. And he had seen what his country was like even a half hour away from his home city, and how much of a difference that short distance made to the lives of people living there. At first he had laughed at the “Third World country in a Gucci belt” analogy, but not so much anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Growing up in Atlanta, Benji had of course been confronted with the realities of racism and anti-Blackness, and he knew being asked about police brutality was just a fraction of what many of his friends both at home in Atlanta and there in London would go through on a daily basis. He had nothing to defend; all he could do was listen and have these conversations with others. Being gay, being poor, and being in an interracial relationship, these had all given him a lot of perspective. And what he learned from that was that there was no way out of it alone; they all needed allies, community. So he took in these new ideas and worldviews from his new friends, and he realized that it gave him clarity and understanding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course these heavy topics of conversation would open up into lighter ones, and as they chatted over a meal, they grew closer. They would stroll through the park to continue with their discussions, returning to campus to practice. Benji would think about what his new friends had said, examining his own ideas, as he penned a new composition and tested out the sound on his guitar. He had his own soundproof little room so he didn’t have to worry about irritating his flatmates or others living in the building. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the evening Benji would leave campus, observing the red buses carrying people from work as they hurried home to their families -- even if they didn’t seem like they were in any particular hurry. But he was glad the pace of life was slower; it reminded him a bit of the south, with the slower walking, slower days, but some people still talked fast, still kept to themselves, tried to keep people out of their way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Many of the more central office buildings were still populated with people putting in extra hours, but Benji didn’t envy them. Despite the pressure to perform at school, not having to do manual labor took a load off him. Instead, he had the heavy grey cloud over his head that followed him everywhere, but it came with the city, and the country, even. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was one of the few times during the day when he was actually truly alone. As he took a bike from the rack and hopped on to go back to his flat, putting his earbuds in to listen to some music, he felt somehow at peace. For the moment, he didn’t think about his dream from earlier at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji’s breath hitched in his throat as he heard the familiar lyrics playing in his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I threw a wish in the well, don't ask me, I'll never tell<br/>
</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>I looked to you as it fell and now you're in my way</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling to himself, the damp wind whipping against his face, Benji found himself singing along to himself. Just like in New York, nobody gave a shit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he arrived back at his flat, putting the bike back on the rack, he found himself humming to himself as he stepped inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Benji, grab a plate,” Soledad said with a huge grin, “Nikita made </span>
  <em>
    <span>pirozhki.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Get ‘em while they’re still hot. And come join us, we’re watching </span>
  <em>
    <span>Killing Eve. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Don’t worry, we’re starting on the first episode. I don’t even mind re-watching, it’s so good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kicking off his shoes in the doorway and setting his guitar case against the couch, he washed his hands before proceeding to accept the offer of food. He hadn’t realized how hungry he’d been; too much time practicing did that sometimes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He joined his flatmates on the couch with his plate, sitting cross-legged next to Ish and trying to hide his blush as he ate. </span>
</p><p>After Benji finished his food, satisfied, he set his plate aside, feeling himself dozing off. It was only 9, and he’d barely been up for twelve hours. He was engaged with the show, of course, and they binged a couple more episodes before calling it a night. </p><p>
  <span>As they all rose to part for the night, Benji stretched, taking his plate to the kitchen and washing it. He glanced to the side, realizing that only he and Ish had remained behind, Ish with his phone in front of him but his eyes softly raking over Benji. His heart beating faster, Benji bit his lip. Ish wasn’t slick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Setting his now clean plate aside to dry, Benji glanced to the side again, and Ish’s gaze remained on him. When he turned to look at him, the other man lowered his gaze. Benji smirked, padding to his room with a quick “g’night”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking three pills of Xanax from the sheet, Benji curled up in bed and awaited the familiar sensation of his mind wiped blank until morning.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading another installment of this story and for supporting this work! I hope I was able to capture the essence of the difference between Victor and Benji’s lives at this point in time, as well as the sort of cultural/pace of live differences I’ve noticed. I’m curious to see what ya’ll think about this chapter and as always, your feedback is super motivating!! ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Penetration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji try to be discreet, or: the Sexting chapter.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, I realize this is a slightly earlier update than usual, so Surprise. But there's a reason for that. For one, I was excited to write this chapter because one of the major issues that a lot of long distance relationships can run into is the issue surrounding things like sex and intimacy, and thank goodness for smartphones because we can circumvent that issue now. I'll admit this chapter was a little bit self indulgent but I hope you enjoy it. Also I probably don't even have to warn you that this is gonna get nsfw. The M rating is there for a reason. Anyway, enjoy. :^)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>Good morning ☀️ say it back 😎” </em>read the caption to the photo Benji had sent him. It was an innocent-enough mirror selfie of Benji dressed in his usual dark jeans and dark sweater with his leather jacket over it. </p><p>What was a bit unusual, though, was the dark nail polish visible on one hand, and the other hand trying to be sneaky lifting up the bottom of his top to expose his abs. Benji was winking at him, flashing a crooked, toothy grin. This was absolutely <em> not </em>a regular selfie, and the bratty caption tacked on confirmed Victor’s suspicions.</p><p>Glancing around his room, Victor rolled his eyes and rose from his bed. It was a Friday, which meant he had a little bit of breathing room, albeit not much; he could take a little bit of time for himself.</p><p>Clad only in his underwear, Victor knew he had to be more subtle. He opened his closet and pulled out one of his flannel button-ups. Perfect. Pairing it with some jeans, Victor admired himself in the mirror, withdrawing his phone. Before he took the picture, he made a point to undo the top few buttons of his flannel, exposing a bit of his chest. He grinned when he got a photo of himself, mouth set in a serious straight line, brow chiseled as he tried to let the early morning chiaroscuro darken his face a bit. </p><p>Captioning it with only “<em>It back 😘", </em>he sent it over to Benji, accepting his boyfriend’s invitation to play the game.</p><p>Benji’s phone vibrated on top of the table next to him as he took notes in class while his lecturer explained some composition concepts that Benji already felt like he had a good grasp on, so he was happy to have a distraction. Glancing around, he slid his phone off his desk and held it discreetly so as to not draw too much attention to the fact that he was using his phone in class. Lecturers normally didn’t care, but he didn’t want to be rude. </p><p>When he saw that he had a notification from Victor, along with an attached photo, he had to bite the inside of his cheek as he covered his face so his smile wasn’t so obvious. </p><p>His heart changed its cadence, tapping against his rib cage as his eyes raked over Victor’s form. </p><p><em> I see how it is… </em>Benji thought wickedly, withdrawing mentally from his surroundings and focusing on what to send Victor in response. He just hoped his blush wouldn’t give him away.</p><p>Checking the time, Benji realized he wouldn’t have a lot of time to think on it and excused himself to the restroom. He all but ran down the corridor, trying to play it cool; if someone were to listen to his breathing, he would be caught.</p><p><em> “You didn’t say ‘Good morning’ back. 😡 Rude. But I’ll allow it this time 😌" </em>Benji wrote, peering into the bathroom and realizing it was empty. The corridors were dead quiet aside from the sound of distant instruments, but the threat of someone walking in on him made him grin. </p><p>He’d taken his jacket off and left it in the lecture hall, which was a shame because Benji thought it made him look badass; he’d have to make do with what he was wearing. Lifting the bottom of his shirt a bit higher this time to expose more of his abs as he turned to the side and showed off his jean-clad ass, Benji snapped a few photos before frowning and realizing he hated all of them, his face reddening. Clearly it had been too long since he and Victor had sexted, and he felt like he was doing it for the first time. Maybe he had subconsciously intended to start something earlier that morning, but he hadn’t actually expected Victor to go along with it.</p><p>Once he finally succeeded in getting a photo that he didn’t think was horrible (although he knew Victor would fight him and tell him all his selfies were great), he sent it to Victor before he could change his mind. He captioned it with:</p><p>“<em>How far do you think I can go before I get caught? 👀"  </em></p><p>Almost immediately, Benji saw that the “Delivered” receipt changed to “Read”. Benji bit his lip, glancing at himself in the mirror over the top of his phone, tucking some stray hair behind his ear as he waited for Victor to respond. </p><p>When Victor received the message from Benji, he almost dropped his phone as he scrambled to open the message. He felt his face heat up when he read the caption, his lips curling up into a wide grin against his will. It was difficult to tear his eyes away from the image of Benji’s toned, muscular body, but he knew he had to come up with something quickly.</p><p>Tapping his chin, he thought about not only what he wanted to send to Benji, but also what he expected in return. Benji liked pushing him a bit but he knew how to push back; they had a fairly good understanding of each others’ limits after all this time.</p><p>Emboldened by Benji’s enthusiasm, Victor pursed his lips as he undid more of the buttons on his flannel, letting it hang open as he sat down on his bed. He could feel his semi-hard dick pressing against his leg, the outline faintly visible through his jeans. Leaning back on his hand, Victor held his phone above his head, letting his eyelids hang low over his eyes as he took another photo, blushing a bit; he was pleased with the end result.</p><p>“<em>The shirt needs to go 😏</em>” Victor wrote, grinning mischievously. “<em>Keep up, B. But don’t blame me if someone sees you in a… compromising position 🥵</em>”</p><p>Benji’s breath hitched in his throat as he read Victor’s message and examined the photo. He covered his face in his hand, not wanting to look at himself in the mirror because he <em> knew </em>he was bright red at this point. </p><p>“<em>Wish I could sit on your lap and feel your muscular legs 😉” </em>Benji wrote back, before glancing down the hallway and noting that, at least for now, the coast was clear. </p><p>Seeing Victor getting hard just from him was extremely satisfying for Benji and he felt lighter knowing how much Victor desired him physically. It was easy to forget that aspect when they weren’t around each other, but it was nice to get a reminder that he was actually pretty hot -- at least to the one he loved; that was all that mattered.</p><p>“<em>What would you want to do if you were here sitting on my lap? 🤔” </em>Victor responded, and Benji almost panicked. </p><p>Breathing deeply, he stripped off his shirt, glancing down the corridor again just in case. He snapped another mirror selfie, hand resting on his belt buckle, just above the outline of his dick in his jeans as he he covered his face with the back of his hand so Victor wouldn’t see his dumb grin and beet-red cheeks.</p><p>“<em>Obviously I’d want to kiss you… 😘” </em> Benji wrote back, face heating up as he added, “<em>and I’d want you to just… kiss me all over. I miss feeling you against me 🥺” </em></p><p>Victor almost teared up reading Benji’s message, getting annoyed at himself for being sad when he was trying to be horny. He wasn’t about to go soft from that. Instead, he thought about Benji above him, lips against his, their chests rubbing together, slicked with sweat as they gripped at each others’ hair, before Victor let his hands wander down Benji’s body, squeezing his ass…</p><p>Shaking his head, Victor stared at the picture Benji sent him again, admiring the lines of his body and how he managed to stay sculpted, like a Greek god. He sighed, knowing he was lucky.</p><p>“<em>What else? 👀” </em>Victor ventured, peeling off his jeans so he could recline in only his underwear and his open flannel. His dick was rock-hard now, straining against the front of his boxer-briefs. But he still had to tease Benji a bit, he couldn’t just give it to him. </p><p>“<em>I’d want you to make me beg to touch you 🤤</em>” Benji added. He was standing in the middle of the bathroom shirtless and without any trousers on, shivering a bit as the cool air hit his overheated skin. It was like he had read Victor’s mind.</p><p>Standing with his back to the mirror, Victor took another picture of himself, this time over his shoulder, showing off his lean yet muscular physique. He smirked, capturing the view of his back and ass, captioning it with “<em>Ask nicely and maybe I’ll consider it 🧐” </em></p><p>“<em>And I’ll show you my dick if you show me yours first 🤭🍆” </em>Victor added, shoving his hand down the front of his underwear and touching himself as he awaited Benji’s response, the grin on his face almost painful.</p><p>Somehow, Benji had managed to evade having any visitors in the bathroom. He bit his bottom lip as he looked around once again, breathing a sigh of relief when no one showed up. His heart pounding so hard he could feel it pulsating in the rest of his body, Benji stroked himself a few times before he pulled his dripping dick out of his boxer-briefs. He held the hefty weight in his hand as he tried to get a good angle of his body. </p><p>As soon as Benji snapped the photo, he heard the noise of footsteps approaching through the corridor. He felt like he was on fire as he tucked himself back in and fled into one of the stalls, locking the door behind him just as he heard the footsteps enter the bathroom. </p><p>“<em>I almost got caught 😳” </em> Benji typed to Victor, sending him one of the photos he took of his body before taking another selfie as he pressed himself with his back up against the door, his face red as he smiled slyly. “<em>I deserve a reward for that 🤬” </em></p><p>“<em>Good job 🥰 </em> ” Victor replied, snapping a picture of his cock as promised. He managed to get a good shot of the sun illuminating his body as it rose higher in the sky. “<em>I wanna watch you touch yourself 🥺 FaceTime? 😘</em>” </p><p>Swallowing, Benji looked around. As much as he would love to have Victor watch him, he wasn’t sure how he would manage that. “<em>You’d have to be quiet, but also, I need both my hands for this right now. 😏 Can I get dressed at least? I’m tired of holding my clothes 🥵” </em></p><p>Victor loved when Benji asked for his permission to do something, and he found himself blushing at the request. He could easily tell his boyfriend no, and he knew Benji would comply, but it would stop being fun for them both. And Benji had already been good, Victor noted, rolling onto his back on his bed, holding his phone above his face. </p><p>“<em>Of course. You did so well 😍" </em>Victor replied, scrolling back up to see the pictures they had exchanged. Humming to himself, he saved Benji’s photos to his special, secret folder for when he couldn’t sleep. </p><p>Benji dressed himself, trying not to make any noise to alert whoever had shown up. He was frustrated, and that coupled with needing to move slowly and quietly was a recipe for disaster. Now almost more than ever, he wished Victor could have just finished the job himself, but alas, the ocean separated them. </p><p>Feeling sticky and uncomfortable, only wanting to cum at this point, Benji slid his hands into his pants, stroking himself a few times. He checked the clock on his phone and realized that he’d been out of class for what he imagined would be a suspicious amount of time. His heart hammered in his chest; he couldn’t go back in this state.</p><p>Maybe this was the universe telling Benji to start carrying lube with him, he mused, as he spit on his fingers. Breathe-laughing at his own joke, Benji put his hands down his pants again, this time teasing at his hole. </p><p>He couldn’t finger himself as well as Victor did, but it was better than nothing, even if it hurt his wrist to try and adjust the angle properly. Burying his face in the back of his arm to try and keep himself from moaning, he slid his spit-coated fingers inside himself, trying to press against that spot inside that would make him squirm. He frowned, wanting Victor’s long, nimble fingers (but ultimately, his dick, <em> obviously </em>) inside him instead, so he closed his eyes and imagined it. </p><p>Pausing, he pulled his phone from his pocket, taking a few selfies of his face as he fingered himself. He sent them to Victor with no captions because he <em> knew </em>Victor would understand what he meant. Plus, his hands were too occupied to type.</p><p><em> Oh shit, oh fuck… </em>Victor thought as he gazed at his lover’s face, Benji’s brow furrowed, lip caught between his teeth. Covering his face as he felt himself grow warm, Victor’s dick twitched. He touched himself as he thought of Benji, who was thinking about him, too. </p><p>When Benji finally came, seeing white as his whole body shuddering as he struggled to keep himself upright, he felt the draw of sleep wash over him. He took his hand out of his pants, shaking and feeling filthy and drenched. Benji stared at the milky fluid, taking a final selfie of himself licking his fingers, with the caption: “<em>Wishing it was yours 🥺” </em></p><p>He tapped on the notification that popped up on his phone and sent the photo without thinking. It was already late and he needed to get back to class, so he cleaned himself up as thoroughly as he could and washed his hands. Giving himself a once over, he marched down the hallway.</p><p>His pocket vibrated and Benji sighed, taking out his phone. He wondered why Ish had texted him.</p><p>“<em>Uhh… not sure this was meant for me 😳” </em>He’d written. </p><p>Stopping in his tracks, Benji felt his whole body heat up as shame rolled over him like a collapsing star. He stared at his phone in shock, not sure how to respond. Dropping dead in the middle of the corridor was preferable to anything else right now.</p><p>All he could think to write back was “<em>Oops sorry” </em> as he contemplated if he could even go back to class at this point. He couldn’t bear to look Ish in the eye at that point. Even if the caption might apply, he wasn’t going to <em> tell </em>Ish that. He was loyal, after all.</p><p>Benji copied and pasted his original message into the chain he had with Victor, sending it to him before including a follow-up message:</p><p>“<em>I accidentally sent this to my flatmate, this is so humiliating 🙈😖😭 how tf am I supposed to face him now? I hope your nut was worth it 😣” </em></p><p>Victor’s eyes widened as he read the message, and it had in fact been enough to get him to cum, but he felt bad immediately after. Sitting up and ignoring the time (he was already late for anger management and would answer for himself later), Victor ran his hand through his hair. He knew it wasn’t entirely his own fault, but he remembered how Pilar had read his letter to Benji after he had kissed him years ago, and knew how embarrassing the whole ordeal was. So he imagined this must be like that but on crack.</p><p>“<em>Omg no babe that’s horrible 😰 if it’s any consolation it was a great photo 🥺❤️” </em> Victor wrote with a heavy sigh, “<em>I’m guessing he’s someone you can trust not to make your life a living hell?” </em></p><p>Peering into the lecture hall from the corridor, Benji could see his classmates gathering their things to leave. He sneaked into an alcove as he waited for them to retreat. If he needed to explain later he would be for now he didn’t want to see anyone’s face. Even if he didn’t care what others thought about him as much anymore, he wasn’t in the right headspace time to come up with a convincing and not-humiliating lie. And despite the fact that Ish seemed like a good person and he seemed like he wouldn’t do anything cruel to him, he wasn’t sure if he fully trusted that assessment. Perhaps this would be easier to brush off if Ish wasn’t so goddamn attractive.</p><p>Listening and waiting for his classmates to exit the building, Benji tiptoed to collect his things before bolting out the door. He wasn’t in the mood to socialize but wanted to be around his friends anyway, because he knew his absence would look even more suspicious. Hopefully, they wouldn’t bombard him with too many questions.</p><p>“<em>Idk he’s a good guy but you can never be too careful. Anyway, hope your day goes better than mine 😘” </em>Benji wrote, pocketing his phone before catching up to his friends. He had no choice but to face whatever result came of his actions. </p><p><em>At least it wasn’t a dick pic</em>, he thought.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope ya'll enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this haha. It was definitely interesting to say the least. I figured our boys needed a bit of levity (especially Vic, poor guy) so I hope this satisfied a bit of that need to see them having fun and connecting with each other. Anyway, as always, looking forward to your feedback and I hope this wasn't Too Lewd lol. I'll admit I felt bad for Benji but alas. :^D Anyway, see you in the next update (which won't come as quickly as this one).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Neutralization</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The London Gang celebrates Halloween. Benji gets some news.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, hope you're well. I'm coming in with another installment as promised. I know I've been impatient with posting updates, but I have several chapters backlogged and it's getting hard for me to not spoil things hahaha. I hope ya'll like this chapter, as I had a good time writing Benji having fun with his friends. Anyway, enjoy! :^)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the evening of Friday, the 31st of October, and Benji and his flatmates were in the midst of their Halloween evening preparations, as they planned to go out for dinner together to celebrate. While the holiday wasn’t as big of a deal as it was back home in the States, Londoners still knew how to have a good time on Halloween, and it, as with most things, involved a heavy dose of alcohol. Benji trusted his flatmates, though, and they were understanding of his situation, not only with his past suicide attempt, but also with his current situation with taking anti-anxiety medication and the possible drug interactions that could cause. Plus, at this point Benji didn’t even feel the need to drink; simply enjoying the company of his friends was enough for him.</p><p>“Hold still and stop blinking so much,” Soledad chastised, gripping Benji’s chin so he would cooperate. </p><p>“You keep poking me in the eye!” Benji retorted, blinking back tears. </p><p>Soledad sucked at her teeth and rolled her eyes before grumbling under her breath and giving drawing on Benji’s face with black liquid eyeliner another go. Benji tried his best not to move, becoming as statuesque as possible. </p><p>“I think this is as good as it’s gonna get,” Soledad sighed as she held up the mirror to Benji’s face and gave it to him to hold. “I can kinda see the Jack Skellington resemblance, I guess.”</p><p>Admiring her handiwork, Benji raised his eyebrows, impressed. “This looks <em> way </em>better than if I were to do it. Thanks.”</p><p>“Don’t mention it,” Soledad waved him off. “I might need your help with mine, though.”</p><p>“Who are you supposed to be again?” Benji asked, checking to make sure his slicked-back hair was staying in place; it didn’t budge. He stepped over toward the opened window to spray some white spray-on hair dye to complete the look.</p><p>“Um, hello, isn’t it obvious? I’m Shuri from Black Panther, duh,” Soledad said, shaking her head as she motioned dramatically with her hands. “Don’t you remember the scene where she was in her lab with this cute little number on? For shame.”</p><p>“Honestly, it’s been a while since I saw the movie,” Benji admitted, adjusting his black pinstripe suit in front of the tiny mirror. “Not a huge Marvel fan.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s fair,” Soledad replied, dabbing some concealer on her cheeks. “But also it was way better than all the other boring-ass, derivative Marvel stories.”</p><p>They continued chatting as Soledad did her makeup, Benji sitting on her bed and trying not to get his own makeup and hair product all over her things, which was difficult considering how small her room was. Their rooms were all barely big enough for one person let alone two.</p><p>“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something that happened a few days ago,” Benji said, breaking them from their playful banter for the moment. </p><p>“This is about how you and Ish have been weird as fuck lately, right?” Soledad ventured, puckering her lips as she applied some lipstick.</p><p>“You noticed?” Benji asked, eyes wide. </p><p>“Of course. You were really obviously trying to avoid him for the past few days, and you disappeared from class the other day so I figured these things were related somehow.”</p><p>“About that…” Benji replied, scratching the back of his head. “Promise you won’t judge me?”</p><p>“I’m not in a position to judge anyone for anything as long as you didn’t murder someone. Like in the beginning of my last year of college, which was luckily after I started hormones so I passed and they couldn’t drag me for <em> that </em>, I accidentally dropped my cat off my balcony and a bunch of my classmates saw and I got called ‘Soledad the Cat Abuser’ for the rest of the year. It kinda hurt my feelings and it's a bit of a mouthful honestly, but I’m over it now. I also contemplated going vegan for a while to make people not think I hate animals. But yeah, I really just did the most when I tried to clear my name and it was super embarrassing,” Soledad explained with a soft laugh as she remembered her childhood days. </p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Benji glanced at her from the side of his eye. She’d quickly become his closest confidant in London, and the fact that he even had to test if he could trust her made him feel a bit silly. He should have known better than to doubt her.</p><p>“So I was kinda… sexting with Victor…” Benji admitted, grinning sheepishly, before quickly finishing, his voice getting quieter with each word, “and I may have accidentally sent one particularly gross photo to him.”</p><p>“<em>Oh </em>.”</p><p>“Yeah… it was bad.”</p><p>Soledad looked amused but tried to relax her face. She cleared her throat. “I mean, I kinda feel bad for you because that sounds super embarrassing. But also, like… it all makes sense now. I’d do the same thing if one of my sexts got out. Especially if they got out to someone I’m also attracted to.”</p><p>Benji froze. “Huh?”</p><p>“Okay, I know you and Victor are exclusive but you can’t pretend like you and Ish aren’t constantly making eyes at each other.”</p><p>Face heating up beneath his makeup, Benji didn’t even know how to respond. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. </p><p>“Don’t worry, no one else has noticed,” Soledad waved her hand. “I’m just sayin’, by the way. Do with that information what you will.”</p><p>Unconvinced, Benji simply nodded. He wanted to move off this topic of conversation.</p><p>“I still gotta do my nails,” Benji said, holding his hands out in front of him and frowning. </p><p>“Oh, I’ve got some shiny black nail polish that would look really good with that outfit,” Soledad said with a huge grin, not minding the change of subject. “That is, if you don’t think it’ll be <em> too girly. </em>”</p><p>Benji chuckled, gently nudging her shoulder in jest. “Thanks. I can’t believe I didn’t think to buy more when I ran out earlier. Y’got the base and top coats, too? And also drying drops would be nice.”</p><p>“Okay, okay, someone’s fancy,” Soledad said, taking a moment’s break from her makeup to dig through one of her many makeup bags. She removed two clear nail polish bottles and a bottle of drying drops, and tossed them on the bed, from where Benji gratefully took them. </p><p>“Hey, if I have to take all this time to do my nails I want it to last as long as possible,” Benji said as-a-matter-of-factly as he set one of his hands on his lap and started painting. He bit his bottom lip as he concentrated, trying not to make too much of a mess on his hands. Soledad’s words stuck with him, and he tried to push them out of his mind. When he finished, he held up his fingers to admire his work.</p><p>“That looks sick. Well done,” Soledad said, applying the final touches to her makeup look before giving herself a once over. She poked at one of the beads in her braided top-knot (her weave from a few weeks ago had definitely come in handy) to ensure it was still in place before rising from her seat.</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji replied, closing his eyes so the entire socket was black, resembling a skull.</p><p>“But how do <em> I </em>look?” Soledad asked, posing with her hand on her hip and that hip jutted out to the side. “Amazing, right?”</p><p>“Of course,” Benji said, “you’re a menace with a makeup brush.”</p><p>Soledad chuckled as she took him by the hand, making sure to avoid the fresh polish, and walked them down the corridor to the living room.</p><p>“You lot were taking <em> ages,” </em>Ish said with a grin, eyes crinkling behind a round black frame of glasses, as he flipped his hair out of his face and exposed the little squiggle of a scar he had drawn on his forehead. “I bet you’ll never guess who I am.”</p><p>“You dickhead, you’re obviously Harry Potter,” Soledad said as she erupted into a fit of giggles.</p><p>“Nice costume,” Benji said to Ish with a bit of an awkward nod of approval. He was glad he was wearing about a pound of makeup or else his blush would have been embarrassingly obvious. </p><p>Despite Benji’s mishap earlier in the week, Ish had played it surprisingly cool. Benji tried to act like nothing had happened, too, but his face always gave him away. His complexion was too pale to stave off a blush, unfortunately, and he was hyper-conscious now of being observed, Soledad’s words echoing in his mind.</p><p>Ish smiled a genuine smile, unbothered, waving a stick he had found in the garden as he said “<em> Expelliarmus! </em>” in that adorable accent of his. </p><p>Nikita had decided to throw together a haphazard Ron Weasley costume to go with Ish’s theme, which was easy because he already had red hair and red and yellow scarf. He wasn’t the type to try very hard for these sorts of things. Rhiannon, on the other hand, was a perfectionist and if she was going to dress up, she had to do it perfectly. She had somehow found the time to construct Villanelle’s pink, poofy gown, the resemblance to the character uncanny. It helped that she was into cosplay and had experience making clothes. Being in a flat full of talented creatives was always an interesting time.</p><p>They all assembled, making sure they had their things before putting their shoes on and exiting the flat to be greeted by the chilly northern air. </p><p>It was a soul food kind of night, they had decided, wandering down the road to the joint where they had put in a reservation. Benji craved a little bit of home, even if it was the Englishman’s approximation of what that would look like; he’d take that over nothing. </p><p>As they walked, Soledad linked her arms with Benji’s and Ish’s and they took up the width of the sidewalk, glancing between the two of them knowingly; clearly Soledad didn’t care about taking up space, and Benji had seen other people do this more often than not. Normally he would find it annoying, but tonight was not one of those nights. Nikita and Rhiannon walked a bit ahead, looking back occasionally to ensure they were all still together. </p><p>They arrived at the restaurant a little after seven, just as people began coming in for the dinner rush. Luckily, Rhiannon had called ahead because, as she said, she didn’t trust Londoners to not be twats. Their little table of five got to sit by the window, and Benji internally rejoiced. </p><p>Benji figured he wouldn’t really need a menu as he glanced over it quickly, seeing all the staples he expected to find. He decided quickly on some fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, the whole shabang. One thing he had learned was to not have high hopes, though; he kept his expectations somewhere in the middle, because of course no one did Soul Food like the south, and that was just facts.</p><p>Once they put in their orders, they didn’t wait very long for their food to arrive. As Benji had expected, it was good, but nothing revelatory. </p><p>Halfway through the meal, pulling him away from the laughter and banter between friends, Benji’s pocket vibrated. Wiping his hands in his napkin, he then withdrew his phone, eyebrows knit together. He excused himself and rose from his seat.</p><p>“Hello?” Benji said when he picked up the call, wandering into the bathroom of the restaurant and wondering why Felix was calling him via Facebook Messenger.</p><p>“Hey, man,” Felix said, his voice quiet and wavering at the end. “Sorry to bother you.”</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Benji asked, his heart rate suddenly spiking. </p><p>“Uh… I don’t know how to tell you this but, here goes,” Felix sighed, swallowing loudly before he continued. Each second that passed made Benji feel his chest seize tighter. “Victor… was in a car accident. He’s in surgery in the ICU but we don’t know if he’s gonna make it. They haven’t told us anything else.”</p><p>“What?” Benji said, blinking. Time stood in place, as if the cosmos itself had ceased its perpetual revolution in that moment, just for him. </p><p>“I said--”</p><p>“No, I know what you said,” Benji said, his voice hollow and curt. “Goodbye.”</p><p>Hand shaking, Benji ended the call. He slipped his phone into his pocket, almost dropping it and blinking again, as if time had restarted but was moving in slow motion now. His reflection reacted a second later than him, and Benji gripped the sides of the sink to steady himself. Perhaps if he hadn’t taken a triple dose of Xanax a few hours ago, he would have been panicking. But now all he felt was his body battling with itself, his brain telling him to scream but his body not allowing him to. </p><p>Splashing some cool water on his face from the tap and messing up some of his makeup, Benji gritted his teeth and retreated back to the table where his friends sat. The journey down the corridor felt like an eternity.</p><p>He flagged down a waiter, asking for five shots of tequila. The waiter raised an eyebrow; an unusual request, but he would fulfill it. </p><p>Benji slid back to the table as if nothing had happened.</p><p>“All good?” Ish asked him, face etched with concern like a Baroque sculpture in marble, the light casting an oppressive shadow.</p><p>“Yeah,” Benji lied, his voice flat and unyielding. He looked him straight in the eye as the waiter from before scurried over with his requested shots on a little tray.</p><p>“Uhh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Benji,” Soledad warned, her gaze darting from Benji’s face to the drinks on the table. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Benji said through gritted teeth, taking each shot in succession without even reacting. It’s been too long since he had a taste, and as soon as it hit his tongue, he felt like he had just ingested nectar. His friends looked at him, then at each other, unsure of what to do. “Can ya’ll please stop staring at me like that? I said I’m fine.”</p><p>“You’re definitely <em> not </em> fine,” Soledad snapped. “If you end up in A&amp;E, I’m gonna resuscitate you just so I can kick your ass. You’re acting foolish. Do you have a death wish?”</p><p>Staying silent, Benji looked down and picked at his food. He still felt their eyes on him and he wanted so badly to tell them to fuck off but instead, he said nothing. All he could think of was Victor, probably lying mangled on an operating table as surgeons pieced him back together like a puzzle of flesh and bone, as Cronos’s children had been after he had devoured each one in turn before being imprisoned in Tartarus for eternity. The image seared the inside of his eyelids as if someone had cauterized it into his pupils. </p><p>“Seriously, Benji. Tell us what’s going on so we can help you,” Ish pleaded, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. </p><p>Shrugging him off, Benji continued his silent, obstinate protest. He was so <em> sick </em>of people acting like they cared about him. Why couldn’t they just leave him be and respect his space? </p><p>As Benji’s periphery vision began to close in on him, his field of view getting blurrier with each passing moment, he felt the tears pricking at his eyes again. His head lolled to the side as his breathing slowed. The last thing he could make out, sounding like a far-off echo coming from underwater, was “Somebody call an ambulance!”</p><p>And then everything went black.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading and supporting once again! I wonder if ya'll saw this coming? These boys really are a disaster, and sometimes writing them can be frustrating, because they do their own thing. I'm just the fingers doing the typing; it's these idiots who truly run the show. Anyway, 1 comment = 1 get better soup for our boys. See you in the next installment! :^)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Rationalization</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor wakes up and has a realization.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, welcome back to another chapter in this wild telenovela of a story. Thanks for sticking with me through it all so far. This chapter was definitely interesting to write and I hope y’all think so, too. Anyway, enjoy. ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hand sanitizer and rubbing alcohol perfumed the air, making Victor want to gag. Doctors and nurses milled about, examining patients and attending to their needs before moving onto others. Victor reclined on one of the hospital beds, clad in a blue gown, one of his arms set in a hard cast and one of his legs casted, as well, but it was nestled under the covers. He was hopped up on some pain medication, watching the scene before him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The toxicology report says you had Adderall and cannabis in your blood at the time of the accident,” said the doctor, Rosetta Lee, peering over the top of her dark-rimmed glasses. “And yet, you don’t have prescriptions for either of these things. You know, there are health benefits associated with both Adderall and cannabis but not when you self-medicate without knowing what you’re doing. If you had gone just a little bit more to the left, and I’m talking an inch or two, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now, capiche?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor gulped, his lip quivering. “I swear I wasn’t high at the time of the accident, okay? Am I gonna get arrested? Will I be able to pay for the medical bills?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen to me, kid. You’re lucky you’re alive,” Dr. Lee replied, her voice stern. “And also you probably won’t be arrested but don’t hold me to that. Blood screening tests pick up stuff you may have had within a few days but they’re basically circumstantial when it comes to using it as hard evidence against you. We aren’t legally allowed to snitch on you at this point. But if the cops come asking for a real drug test… I’m afraid we’ll have to give one. As for medical bills… those are the least of your worries.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The steady beeping of the heart rate monitor Victor had been hooked up to doubled its pace as he listened to Dr. Lee explain. He’d literally </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>finished dealing with legal bullshit thanks to Derek, and now he was dealing with the possibility of catching an actual criminal charge, not just a civil one. On top of that, he’d have to eat through most of his savings to cover the bills, even with his dad’s insurance. It was like he was incapable of not fucking up these days. He wanted to cry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna need you to breathe,” Dr. Lee said, rolling her eyes. “Can I get a nurse in here with some valium?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moment later, a nurse added a bag of valium to Victor’s IV drip, sedating him. He couldn’t wait for this day to be over, so he could be home in his bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, as I was saying before your little… pre-anxiety attack,” Dr. Lee continued her explanation, “you got off easy with a fractured sternum, and broken right arm and leg. We did have to do a little bit of surgery on your leg, though, since it was basically splintered. Not a pretty sight. You won’t be doing a lot of walking and… whatever you do with your hand.”</span>
</p><p>If Victor hadn’t been on some heavy sedatives at that moment, he would be panicking again. “How long does this all need to heal? Does this mean I won’t be able to play basketball? I’m gonna lose my scholarship!”</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be several weeks, months, even. So yeah, no basketball. That sucks,” Dr. Lee replied with a frown. “Anyway, you’re free to go home as soon as someone comes to pick you up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor buried his face in his hands. He hadn’t told his parents yet, only Felix; he didn’t want to deal with their reactions right now, and while he knew he would need to eventually, he didn’t have the bandwidth. Even after all these attempts at keeping his head above water, even enlisting the help of his friends, Victor was drowning, and for real this time. If he got kicked from the team, he’d lose his scholarship and probably have to drop out of university. Maybe community college would be easier than the mess he had gotten himself into.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dr. Lee left him alone, and he picked up his phone with his left hand, fiddling awkwardly with it. He used the side of his cast to steady it in his hand, but it was still strange only being able to type one-handed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grimacing, Victor saw that he had notifications from his friends; clearly Felix had been unable to keep the information to himself. Victor was happy they cared but also after his latest social interaction, he wanted nothing more than to retreat into his shell like the socially inept hermit crab.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Vic!” Felix’s voice cut him from his thoughts and he dropped his phone unceremoniously in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Felix,” Victor winced as the phone bounced off the hard plaster of the cast on his leg. “Thanks for coming to get me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem, bro. I gotchu,” Felix said with a wink. He sat down at the chair next to Victor’s bedside. “However, we may have an </span>
  <em>
    <span>actual </span>
  </em>
  <span>problem on our hands. Aside from, you know, all this,” he gestured to Victor’s cast-encased limbs before continuing, “because Benji was acting hella weird when I called him earlier. Do you wanna FaceTime him and tell him you’re okay so he doesn’t worry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh… yeah, that might be a good idea,” Victor replied. He didn’t want his mind to go there, but perhaps the reason why Benji hadn’t messaged him in all this time to ask how he was doing was because… something was wrong. “Could you dial him for me? It’s hard with one fucked up hand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding, Felix did as Victor asked, handing him back his phone once he’d dialed. Raising an eyebrow, Victor checked to see if it was actually connecting or if he had pressed something else by accident. When it finally started ringing, he tried to push back the feeling of dread that threatened to shred through his psyche.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he heard sounds on the other end as an image came into view. It was Soledad, makeup tracks from her eyes mixing black and brown on her cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh… Soledad? What’s going on? Where’s Benji?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He relapsed and mixed his pills with alcohol,” Soledad sighed, letting out a shaky breath. “He’s in the hospital.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor sat up, eyebrows furrowing as he gritted his teeth, tears burning at his eyes. “What the hell? Do you know why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No… he wouldn’t tell us,” Soledad replied, sniffling. “I think he got a phone call earlier and whatever he’d heard made him lose his mind.”</span>
</p><p>“Okay, wait. This is my fault,” Felix said, holding his hand against his own chest. “I told him you were in the ICU and that you’d been in an accident and he must have thought it was really serious. But I didn’t think he would do anything to himself.”</p><p>
  <span>Upon hearing this, Victor didn’t know whether to be mad at Felix, Benji or himself; he figured it was almost an even split, with himself getting most of the blame and Felix getting 15% where Benji finally got a measly 10%. Or maybe Benji had the 15% and Felix the 10%. Either way, Victor was pissed. Benji had been doing so well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soledad let out a sad chuckle. “Ironic, isn’t it, how you both ended up in the hospital on the same day… You’re chaotic. It would be funnier if Benji weren’t still unconscious, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, Felix had the 15%. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything I can do?” Victor asked Soledad, biting his lip hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really,” Soledad said, her voice breaking a bit. “Just pray for him, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking down at his casted hand, Victor nodded, tears dripping down his face. “Okay. Let me know as soon as he wakes up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hung up, and Victor wiped his face in his arm. He turned to Felix, his mouth set in a deep frown. “Just take me home. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the help of the hospital staff, Victor settled into a wheelchair. When Felix went to push Victor out to the parking lot, however, they were greeted by a familiar yet extremely unwelcome face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Victor!” came Derek’s voice from down the hospital corridor. “As soon as I heard what happened to you I rushed over here. Where the hell is Benji?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you joking? What are you talking about?” Victor asked, fingers on one hand gripping the armrest of the wheelchair. All he could think about was the image of Derek on the floor, cushioned in his own blood. He felt sick to his stomach. How the hell had Derek found him? He slowed his breathing down. Now was as good a time as any to try out some of his fancy anger management techniques. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get outta here, Derek. No one wants you here,” Felix sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m asking you where my </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span> is,” Derek replied. “Tell me. I know you know. You see each other at Brasstown every day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We haven’t worked at Brasstown together for months. And he’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>boyfriend, he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. How many times have we been over this?” Victor couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was glad he was already in the hospital because he knew he would burst at least one blood vessel from Derek’s stupidity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get smart with me--” Derek yelled, charging at Victor before Felix stepped between them. Some hospital staff took Derek by the arms in an attempt to restrain him. His sleeve caught and revealed the paper hospital bracelet around his wrist. Victor’s eyes widened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from using physical force against other patients,” said one of the nurses as the other staff members tried to coax Derek to another part of the ICU.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor kid’s got amnesia,” Victor overheard someone say a few feet away as they watched Derek leave, shaking their head. “He just woke up from a coma a few days ago, too. So sad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaken, Victor’s eyes stayed wide for a moment. He had never thought he would see Derek anytime soon. But he was glad he hadn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually </span>
  </em>
  <span>died, in the end. Despite the bizarre meeting, Victor felt a bit of a relief at knowing this. He was still perplexed about Derek’s words, though. It made him seethe with rage to think that asshole still thought he was in a relationship with Benji, </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>Benji. He didn’t want for anything more to come of that, but he didn’t trust Derek one bit. And it was even worse and more dangerous now that he thought Benji and he were still together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without another word, Felix wheeled him to the car, and they finally began their journey home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ride was quiet, the silence acting like a shield between Victor and the world around him. But he knew sooner or later he would need to break the silence. And he trusted Felix almost as much as he trusted Benji and Mia. Or at least, as much as Mia. They were usually pretty closely tied for second place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I have to break up with Benji,” Victor said out of nowhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix jammed on the breaks, causing the car behind them to honk at them as they went around them with their middle finger hanging out the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pulling over, Felix pulled the emergency break and turned to Victor, eyes bulging out of his skull and looking a bit like a frog.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you say something so dumb? You sure you’re not concussed?” Felix said, feeling Victor’s forehead with the back of his hand before Victor gently moved his hand away, even though he really wanted to smack him away instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bro, stop that. I’m being serious,” Victor replied. “I can’t keep making him so worried about me. He relapsed </span>
  <em>
    <span>because </span>
  </em>
  <span>of </span>
  <em>
    <span>me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He couldn’t even think about going to London and actually enjoying himself </span>
  <em>
    <span>because </span>
  </em>
  <span>of </span>
  <em>
    <span>me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And I’m pretty sure he takes pills </span>
  <em>
    <span>because </span>
  </em>
  <span>of </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t blame yourself for his choices, though, Vic. If anything else that was huge and stressful came up he could have relapsed then, too. That’s what can happen when you care about someone, but it’s not a reason for you to give up on him,” Felix countered. “But I understand you breaking up with him because </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>can’t handle the responsibility of taking care of him as a partner. I get that. You barely have time to </span>
  <em>
    <span>think </span>
  </em>
  <span>let alone be a human being. So I respect your decision. Just don’t blame yourself for all of this, because it’s a two way street. And also, sometimes life is just a fucking trip.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, it’s hard not to feel guilty about this whole thing, though. I love him so much and I would rather him be on his own and alive than with me and slowly killing himself,” Victor said, his voice brimming with love and sadness and regret and </span>
  <em>
    <span>pain. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand. Long-distance is definitely harder than most people expect, too. It can make relationship anxiety even worse,” Felix sighed, resting a hand on Victor’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor pulled him into an awkward half-hug, clapping his friend on the back with his cast. “Thanks for listening to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re still my best bro, obviously,” Felix said with a toothy grin, but his eyebrows remained furrowed, taut with worry. “I know these past few months haven’t been easy but I’m glad you’re taking steps to put yourself first. You don’t always have to be the one fixing everyone else’s problems. It takes a toll after a while.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… you’re absolutely right,” Victor exhaled. “And sometimes when you love someone you gotta set them free.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, facts,” Felix replied. “So, when are you gonna talk to him? And what are you gonna say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanna do it as soon as possible, so I’m gonna write a letter to organize my thoughts and then as soon as he’s awake I’ll… rip the bandaid off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s such a… cold-blooded and un-Victor thing to do. You would always wait for the opportune moment for these sorts of things until you realized there… is no opportune moment, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. I hate that I have to do it, but… I think he’ll be okay. He has friends in London. Maybe he’ll acclimate better and think more about his future without me in the picture,” Victor said, and as soon as he said the words, a tear slipped down his face. He didn’t bother wiping it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix first looked at his hands, saying nothing more as he raised his eyes to the dashboard and drove them both back home. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What did y’all think of Victor’s thought process? 🧐 what would you do in his place? This was definitely a time to write and I apologize for putting y’all through this stress but also they did it to themselves. I don’t control them, they run the show lol. So as much as I want to smack Vic upside the head, he decided things himself. 1 comment equals 1 “Victor why are you like this” 😣</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Incomprehension</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor follows through on his decision; Benji gives in.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, welcome back to yet another installment of my story. I'm really hoping ya'll are enjoying the emotional torture and pain so far. Truthfully, I am with you all in that because my muses are simply too much. Sometimes they do extremely silly things. Anyway, as always I'm hoping you get a kick out of this chapter. Enjoy! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji opened his eyes, blinking a few times as the sharpness of the white lights that seared his pupils allowed him to focus. It was quiet, aside from the occasional rhythmic beeping indicating that he was, in fact, alive. Maybe it would have been better if he wasn’t.</p><p>His throat was dry and he felt like shit. He shifted, limbs brushing against itchy sheets, feeling a bit claustrophobic. </p><p>“You’re awake,” said a familiar voice, low, deep and steady. “We were worried about you, y’know. Let me message the others to let them know.”</p><p>Sitting up in bed, Benji turned his head to the side to see Ish sitting by his side. He didn’t have the energy to deal with this right now. Sighing in annoyance, he simply watched Ish as he typed away, oblivious to Benji glaring knives at him. </p><p>“Can I be alone?” Benji asked, his voice hoarse and quiet. </p><p>“Are you sure?” Ish asked, sounding concerned. </p><p>“Yes. Please… just… <em> go, </em>” Benji said through gritted teeth. Ish complied, leaving the room and finally leaving him be in peace.</p><p>Shutting his eyes again, Benji groaned, before he opened his eyes again and stumbled out of bed on weak legs, almost tripping on the IV drip that was taped to his hand. The only person he actually wanted to talk to was thousands of miles away probably fighting for his life, and he couldn’t get in contact with him. A tear rolled down his cheek as he rummaged through his things. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that he still had some battery left in his phone.</p><p>Tipping his head to the side when he noticed a notification in his call history, he saw that he had received a call from Victor. That was strange. His heart leaped when he thought about the possibility that he was alive and well. Finger hovering over the “call” button, Benji exhaled as he pressed and waited for the line to connect.</p><p>--------------------</p><p>Victor had learned with Mia years ago that waiting to talk to people was not the right course of action. Benji didn’t deserve to be locked in another toxic relationship that would cause him to act irrationally, Victor reasoned. And Victor didn’t want to constantly be worrying about Benji doing something risky because of him. He couldn’t take responsibility for someone else’s life. It was Atlas’s burden to hold up the edge of the heavens on his back, and Victor wasn’t strong enough for such a task, lest he risk going the way of Sisyphus. </p><p>Scrolling through his list of contacts, Victor found the one marked “The Love of My Life”, staring at it for a moment, but even seeing the words hurt him to his core. He looked away from the screen but his eyes shot back to the screen when he saw a notification that Benji was calling him instead.</p><p>“Hey, Benji, I’m glad you’re okay,” Victor said when he picked up, his voice a bit higher pitched than usual.</p><p>“Hey, Vic. You look… good,” Benji replied, his voice small.</p><p>He refused to make eye contact with Victor, but he looked pained and tired, his eyes dull and distant. Victor knew he had to tell Benji before he lost his nerve; he swallowed. When he spoke, his own strength and clarity surprised him.</p><p>“We need to talk.”</p><p>Furrowing his brows, Benji’s mouth fell open slightly before he swallowed. “About what?”</p><p>Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Victor went for it. He had to rip it off quickly. But he hated how his voice quivered when he said: “I’m breaking up with you.”</p><p>Benji hadn’t been expecting that, he realized. He had thought of all the possibilities, just not <em> that </em>. And because he wasn’t hopped up on Xanax anymore, his emotions hit him like a tsunami with no wall of drugs to block it. He gritted his teeth as the tears poured down his face, his body shaking.</p><p>“Why? What did I do wrong?” Benji asked, his voice strained and pathetic.</p><p>Face tensing, his heart clenching painfully in his chest, Victor didn’t know how to answer him. He didn’t think he would ask that. </p><p>“I… don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me again,” Victor all but whispered. “I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” </p><p><em> And I love you too much to let that happen, </em> Victor thought, but he knew saying it aloud would make this whole process even worse. He knew the words would be a twist to the knife in his chest. </p><p>Another wave of tears came over Benji, and he dropped his phone on his lap as he covered his face. Victor almost thought he was going to change his mind, when the call ended.</p><p>He held his head in his one good hand, his lip quivering as he let his own tears finally fall, little wet dots staining the top of his sheets darker. The sight of Benji looking absolutely destroyed, his little whimpers of despair, like a wounded baby animal that had been tossed aside to die -- Victor had never experienced Benji reacting that way, not even before they parted for him to go to London. But he felt such a deep sense of shame, feeling absolutely disgusted with himself, that <em> he </em>was the reason for Benji to respond that way. </p><p><em> It’s for Benji’s own good </em>… Victor thought over and over again, the words echoing like a mantra, turning into a song in his mind. He didn’t know how much of that he actually believed, but it was the only way to suppress the need to vomit as his stomach sank into the depths of Earth. Balling his fist and crumpling his sheets, Victor tried to breathe, his chest hurting both from grief and from his fracture; he wasn’t sure which was worse. Right now, he really just wanted a blunt, but that would require him to get up and walk, which wasn’t that easy at the moment. So all he could do was sit and suffer in silence, accepting the consequences for his own actions.</p><p>Victor still felt like he had made a mistake, but the damage had already been done. He never wanted to be the cause for Benji’s pain ever again; and now he wouldn’t have to. </p><p>------------------</p><p>Benji sat hunched over in his hospital bed, weeping quietly into his hands, trying not to draw attention to himself despite the world crumbling to dust around him. The ringing in his ears was a welcome distraction that served to dull his pain a bit. It wasn’t much but it was something.</p><p>He could feel himself starting to get overheated and sweaty, his pulse reaching dangerous levels. The fact that he was now utterly alone made it hard to breathe; he felt like he was in a leaden box that grew slowly smaller and smaller as it sunk deeper into the abyss, as if it would crush him to death before ever reaching the bottom. His peripheral vision began to close in, and he could feel his soul threatening to exit his body against his will.</p><p>The door opened, but Benji didn’t notice. Rocking back and forth on the bed and gripping his hair at the roots, all he could think about was Victor. He didn’t know what he would do without him. When he imagined his face behind his eyes, it started to dissolve as soon as it formed, as if he wasn’t meant to retain even that information. The universe wanted to erase him from Benji’s mind, but he didn’t want to allow it.</p><p>“What’s going on?” said a voice that sounded far away, distorted as if by water. Benji didn’t comprehend it.</p><p>“I think he’s having a panic attack,” said another voice.</p><p>A hand touched his shoulder, and he felt like he had been dragged out of the ocean and onto the shore. </p><p>“Hey, you’re okay,” said a voice, accompanied by the sensation of another weight beside him and of being engulfed. “We’re here for you.”</p><p>Benji allowed for Soledad to hold him, soon running out of tears to cry. He rested his head on her shoulder as she smoothed his hair. Ish, Nikita and Rhiannon looked on with wide eyes, offering words of support. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he suddenly felt too many eyes on him at once.</p><p>“What happened?” Soledad asked him once he had calmed down a bit. </p><p>Looking down at his hands as he fiddled with his cuticles, Benji was quiet for a long time. If he said the words aloud then there was no way to unsay them; they would be lost into the air and become reality. Maybe if he said nothing then he could pretend Victor hadn’t just torn out his heart like he was a butchered hog and stomped on it without mercy. When he said ‘don’t be gentle’, he didn’t mean like this.</p><p>But he also knew that pretending like nothing happened wouldn’t do him any good. Maybe he couldn’t accept it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.</p><p>“My boyfriend dumped me,” Benji muttered, the reservoir of his tears suddenly replenished as they rained down his face again.</p><p>“Oh no, I’m so sorry, B,” Soledad said gently, sighing as she let him cry. She looked over Benji’s shoulder at Ish, and Ish seemed to be frowning, but also like he was trying to keep his face from doing anything else against his will. </p><p>Ish could sense that the atmosphere in the room wasn’t helped by all these people there, so he excused himself by saying: “I’m gonna go get some air.”</p><p>In the meantime, nurses had come to check Benji’s vitals to ensure he was ready for discharge, giving him some pills just in case. He had luckily only passed out and got a scolding from the doctors for mixing Xanax and alcohol, but otherwise all he really needed to do was ensure he stayed away from alcohol as he had been doing. While he couldn’t make any promises, he was glad he had his friends there to support him, at least. </p><p>But relapsing… it had opened the gates again. He had tasted the nectar of the gods again and now that was all he craved. The temptation was stronger than ever and all he could do was weather it somehow. </p><p>His friends helped him despite him insisting he was fine to walk on his own. They wouldn’t hear it; he was going to be supported or they would carry him — those were the only two options. </p><p>They arrived back at the flat at almost two in the morning, dragging their feet as they entered. Benji knew he wouldn’t sleep that night, but was thankful for their concern regardless. Their company had been a welcome distraction from the brutal reality of being broken up with. </p><p>For the first time in basically as long as he could remember, Benji Campbell was single. And that was terrifying. He had no idea what to do with that information, but he knew that being single sparred with losing Victor for the most painful sensation he’d ever had to endure.</p><p>The entire flat walked Benji to his room, tucking him into bed before his friends retreated to their own rooms in silence. He had been lucky that the hospital staff had scrubbed his makeup off because he knew he wouldn’t have had the energy to deal with that nonsense right now. But he also wasn’t tired in the way that wanted for sleep. What he most desired at that moment was to simply not be alone with his thoughts, lest he start crying again and then cry himself to sleep.</p><p>Down the hall, he heard the familiar sound of footsteps padding along the wooden floorboards toward the kitchen. Benji rose from his bed, gripping his chair to steady himself as he did so. He followed the noise, tiptoeing so as to not alert the others. While he wasn’t afraid of their wrath or anything, he also had no intention of standing around and waiting for them to scold him. He was a grownup, after all.</p><p>As he expected, the door to the balcony was ajar, and he opened it. For the first time in a while, he was happy to see Ish hunched over the balcony railing, lit cigarette between his lips.</p><p>“Hey,” Benji said.</p><p>“Hey.” </p><p>Ish didn’t say anymore, but regardless, Benji sighed and stepped closer to him, shivering in the cold air and wanting to be closer to him for warmth. </p><p>“Can I have a smoke?” Benji asked, his voice just above a whisper.</p><p>Looking a bit taken aback, Ish nonetheless nodded, holding his cigarette between his teeth, as he took out a rolling paper and a filter, then poured some tobacco in it before rolling it up neatly as Benji had seen him do countless times before. He handed it to Benji with precise movements, and Benji took it, grateful.</p><p>“You have to inhale as I light,” Ish instructed. </p><p>He did as directed, and as soon as the smoke entered his throat, Benji couldn’t help but cough, almost throwing his lung from his chest. But it wasn’t so bad after a few draws; hell, it may even be… <em> good </em>. Now he understood why so many kids in London went through tobacco like it was made of oxygen. The nicotine made him feel lighter, and the thoughts whirling about his brain simply evaporated, joining the rest of the atmosphere and finally leaving Benji in peace.</p><p>There was something about being around Ish that made him calm down, and it wasn’t just from the cigarette. When he wasn’t absolutely pissed off at him, his presence was quiet and relaxing. They needn’t even speak to one another; they could simply <em> be. </em></p><p>Humming to himself, Ish finished up his cigarette, putting it out on the railing of the balcony. He turned to re-enter the flat.</p><p>“<em> Wait, </em>” Benji breathed, holding up a hand to stop him.</p><p>Raising an eyebrow but saying nothing, Ish eyed him. </p><p>Benji held his own cigarette between his fingers before he stood on his toes, all but rubbing against Ish as he pressed a firm kiss to his lips. Ish was placid, allowing it for a moment, the only resistance coming from the friction of his beard, before he was kissing him back, his cadence voracious, hands traveling up to cup Benji’s face. This was all Benji needed to confirm what he had suspected. </p><p>But he didn’t pull back. Instead, he put his cigarette out and allowed Ish to lead him to his room. </p><p>Once inside, Benji pushed him against the wall, kissing him again, more forcefully this time. He just wanted to forget. But more importantly, he wanted Ish to make him.</p><p>He didn’t know how much more he needed to do to get Ish to understand what he wanted, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud. So Benji pushed him again, this time back onto his bed, climbing on top of him. If he had to take charge he would, but he wouldn’t enjoy it.</p><p>It was as if that one action made something click in Ish’s brain. Benji loved how much bigger and stronger Ish was, too, because he scooped Benji up in his arms with ease as they kissed, holding him close as they switched positions so Ish could lay him down on the bed. </p><p>“I want you to hold me down,” Benji whispered, letting his head fall back so the pale, soft skin of his neck was exposed. “And I don’t want to think about… <em> him.” </em></p><p>Ish kissed him again, his hands sliding up Benji’s arms and pressing his wrists down into the mattress on either side of his head. Benji felt his heart racing and pounding in his ears, pretending he didn’t want the weight of Victor’s body pressing down on him. He pretended he didn’t want to smell Victor’s sandalwood cologne or listen to him laughing in his ear as Benji responded to his touches or to feel his strong yet soft hands against his skin and leaving bruises that Benji would admire as they healed. In that moment, he knew nothing would ever compare to how Victor had loved him. </p><p>When Ish touched him, his flesh unfamiliar, Benji could only pretend that the other understood what he wanted. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm expecting to get my ass kicked by ya'll even though I imagine you all knew this would happen. This was of course heartbreaking to write and I'm a bit pissed at both Victor and Benji but what can ya do. At least now ya'll can rest easy knowing that at least Benji didn't cheat on Victor. Anyway, I'm sleep. 1 comment = 1 "why are ya'll so dumb" to Victor and Benji!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Recalibration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The day after.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment, aka the first chapter of my new weekly update schedule! I realized I was posting very frequently before and wanted to slow things down a bit to give ya'll more of a chance to digest before the next parts come out. I know last week's update was an absolute wrecker and I appreciate your engagement with the story both on twitter and in the comments. The pain ya'll experienced while reading is the same pain I felt while in the throes of writing. The amount of hate Ish got really was poetic cinema. I'm curious to see if ya'll keep up that energy going forward. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor had been forced to sit with the harsh reality of his actions. When he woke up that morning, broken limbs aching, he used the dull pain as an excuse to let himself cry again. He reached for his phone on instinct to check if he’d received any messages from Benji, frowning a second later once he realized that this was a fool’s errand. Even if he <em> had </em>gotten something from Benji, he wouldn’t have seen it; he’d blocked his number. For once, Victor was actually happy that he had therapy later on. The only person he wanted to talk to at that moment had been excavated from his life like a diamond from deep within the earth. He knew he would wear the scar on his heart for the rest of his life.</p><p>Pushing himself slowly into a sitting position, Victor sighed, wiping his eyes in his sleeve. He <em> really </em>didn’t have the energy for this nonsense. Instead of going on with his life, he wanted to curl up under his covers, to create a hermit’s cave of them, where he could live out the rest of his life away from everyone so he couldn’t cause anymore harm. Why did doing the right thing have to be so painful? </p><p>He groaned, retreating back under his sheets and covering his head to block out the light that poured in through the curtains. The sun mocked him, a cruel reminder that today was another day, and he would have to eventually give into reality. But he wasn’t ready for that yet. </p><p>Luckily, Victor had managed to reach out to his therapists and to school to let them know of the situation and so he could watch lectures online, as well as attend therapy virtually. He was a bit irritated that this didn’t come up until after he had been injured and wouldn’t have the opportunity to drive himself to campus, but he decided that he would take what he could get. Anything that allowed him to get away with not leaving his bed was a welcome prospect now. He’d even managed to get extensions on his assignments, and his community service was moved to a time after he recovers. If he had known this would happen, he would have crashed his car sooner. Gritting his teeth, he knew he shouldn’t let his mind go there. But having some peace, the chance to rest -- he needed it. And with Benji out of the picture, he could finally focus on himself.</p><p>As soon as he had curled up like a tortoise in its shell, not to be bothered for the rest of his life, he heard the soft <em> ding </em>of a notification on his phone. He didn’t want to be on his phone right now, but something pulled his hand toward it regardless.</p><p>Another <em> ding </em> sounded as Victor brought his phone to his face, wincing as the movement displaced his broken limbs a bit. He saw three text notifications: one from Mia, another from Felix, and the other, sent at 3 am his time, was from… <em> Soledad?  </em></p><p>For a moment he wondered how he even had her contact details, but then he remembered that she had given him her details so he could contact her. He wondered what she could possibly want from him; they didn’t know each other; they weren’t friends; she was his ex’s friend, as far as he knew, and she lived in England, so there was literally no real reason for him to retain contact with her. But he would entertain it. Later.</p><p><em>"How’d it go with Benji? 🤔 </em> ” Felix messaged him, and Victor was glad they weren’t using walkie talkies anymore because he definitely was <em> not </em>in the mood to talk.</p><p>“<em>It went… pretty fucking terribly, but we’re done now 🥺💔 </em> ” Victor wrote back, typing slowly since he only had one hand to work with. “<em>I’m sick of crying. And I don’t feel like getting out of bed for the rest of the year” </em></p><p>“<em>Want me to come over? </em> ” came Felix’s instantaneous reply. “ <em> I don’t have anything going on til later 😁” </em></p><p>“<em>No thx” </em> Victor wrote. “ <em> Not in a talking mood 😥” </em></p><p>“<em>Understandable. But as always, lemme know if you need anything, I’m always here 😌🙏🏻” </em> Felix wrote back. “<em>Good luck man 🍀” </em></p><p>Happy to have ended the conversation with Felix, Victor moved onto the message he had received from Mia, frowning when he saw what she had written.</p><p>“<em>I heard you broke up with Benji. Don’t you think it’s a little fucked up to decide that for yourself and to do that literally right after he ended up in the hospital because he was worried about you? </em> ” Mia had written, the rage radiating like licks of fire from the screen of his phone. Her lack of emojis was off putting. “<em>Why would you do that? </em>”</p><p>His cheeks grew hot with shame and he felt like he was about to start crying again. Benji must have told her, Victor realized, and he had every right to, considering they’re friends. There was no way he would be able to escape people trying to be in his business; Victor’s and Benji’s social circles, at least in Atlanta, had a bit of an overlap. People talked. This was going to be a huge mess, and Victor didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it. He left her on read. If she was upset, she would just have to deal with it.</p><p>Closing the message from Mia, Victor scrolled down to the message from Soledad from earlier, his stomach doing somersaults as he contemplated opening it. Rolling his eyes at himself for being so hesitant, Victor opened the message, mouth falling open as he read.</p><p>“<em>I thought you were better than that, Victor. Benji spoke so highly of you and I really thought you were a good person, but seeing how you’ve behaved has me absolutely disgusted. I’m not expecting you to read this or to even take this seriously, but as someone who cares for Benji, and speaking to someone I thought also cares for him, you’ve made a mistake. If he ends up hurting himself again, I hope you know it will actually be your fault this time. You don’t just abandon people and take away their right to decide things for themselves when they start properly struggling; you help them. And I know you might not want to hear it, but you’re being the definition of a fuckboy and it’s pathetic. People like you pretend they’re so kind and good, and then at the first sign of struggle, they bail. No amount of therapy can turn you into a less shit human being. Have a nice life.” </em></p><p>The message took up the entirety of the screen on Victor’s phone, and with each word, he felt his blood pressure rising. To think this girl, who didn’t know him aside from the few times they’d spoken via video chat, or secondhand from Benji, she had the <em> audacity </em> to not only act like she <em> knew </em> him, but also to <em> judge </em>him? The instinct to defend himself fortified itself within him, a castle preparing to have a siege laid upon it by an ill intentioned enemy. He didn’t have to answer to her. She wasn’t his mother or God. And yet, why did her words sting him down to his blood like scorpion venom?</p><p>He would have thrown his phone across the room if he hadn’t remembered his homework for Dr. Delgado in the nick of time. Breathing deeply and ignoring the pang in his chest, Victor instead held his phone to his chest, blinking away the red behind his eyelids. He gritted his teeth. Reading the message again and again until it lost most of its bite, Victor memorized the words she had written to him. </p><p>Maybe there <em> was </em> some truth to Soledad’s words. He hadn’t yet parsed through what it was, but he would find it. As he had learned in therapy, it was necessary to examine himself for his own sake and for the sake of those he loves. And he still loved Benji. But he hadn’t made a mistake. Maybe his timing hadn’t been ideal, but it would have happened sooner or later. Or maybe it wouldn’t have. He had no way of truly knowing. So he had to accept that and move on.</p><p>“<em>Thank you for this </em> ” Victor wrote to her, hand heavy. “<em>I clearly have some thinking to do.” </em></p><p>Glancing at the clock on his phone, Victor bolted upright when he realized he only had a couple of minutes before his meeting with Dr. Delgado. He picked up his laptop from his night table and opened it with a bit of a struggle. Good thing it was a Saturday so he wouldn’t have to deal with the nonsense of online lectures that day. Hopefully the evening would come soon enough, and the thoughts of Benji would stop floating about his brain like poison. </p><p> </p><p>---------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Benji blinked awake, squinting as the light barraged through the window. For once, there were no clouds in the sky. He hated how nature mocked him, allowing him to wake up miserable on such a lovely day. </p><p>It took him a few moments for Benji to realize where he was; at first, he had simply accepted that his room looked a little different, with the furniture rearranged and some darker decor, along with sheet music and pages from books that had been ripped out and highlighted taped all over the walls. He almost felt like he was in the den of a mad scientist. After his initial assessment, he became acutely aware of the warmth against his back as a body shifted behind him. </p><p>He slowly turned, jaw clenching and face heating up as his gaze raked over Ish’s sleeping form. Benji envied how peaceful he looked, sprawled out on his back, barely making a sound as he breathed. For a moment, Benji simply watched him. His heavily-tattooed torso left little of his natural skin color exposed, instead populated by mostly black with splashes of color. He seemed to have a preference for script and images of animals that looked like they had been painted on with watercolors. Last night, he had been too distracted to have a proper look. But seeing Ish in that state made him feel like he was doing something wrong. So he looked away.</p><p>The events of the previous night came back to him in an avalanche. He covered his face with his hands, rolling back on his side to face the room instead. For some reason, he didn’t want to look at Ish anymore. He felt disgusted with himself for using someone who had only been kind to him for affection because he had been hurt and lonely. Well, <em> was. </em> The pang in his chest when his thoughts inevitably turned to Victor was like a stake in his heart because he knew the feeling would last a while. It mixed with that feeling of agonizing <em> waiting </em>… but waiting for what? He didn’t know.</p><p>Sighing, he picked up his phone from the floor and glanced at the time. <em> 7:42. </em>Still too early to be awake. And truthfully, after the night he’d had, it sounded like a Herculean task to remove himself from bed. He went to his message inbox out of habit before sighing upon seeing it empty. Only a fool would expect differently. </p><p>It was silly, too, for Benji to expect any of his friends from back home to care about him. He wanted to wallow in that thought when he noticed a message from Mia that had been delivered, but for some reason he hadn’t gotten any indication that he’d received it. Making a mental note to get a new phone sometime soon, he opened it.</p><p>“<em>hey how are you holding up? 🥺❤️” </em> she’d asked. “<em>we’ve been worried about you.” </em></p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Benji did some quick math to see if she would still be awake at this hour, and then said fuck it and started typing anyway. </p><p>“<em>who’s ‘we’? and I feel like my heart’s been crushed and I kinda wanna die. Vic dumped me last night 💔 said some bullshit about not wanting to be responsible for me hurting myself again” </em></p><p>He sent the message without the expectation of her replying anytime soon, but was surprised to see the ellipses bubbling up on the screen after a few seconds.</p><p>“<em>wtf???? what is wrong with him???” </em>came Mia’s initial response.</p><p>“(<em>We is me, Lake, Pilar and I guess Andrew likes you now so him too btw.)” </em>she added.</p><p>“<em>UGH I’M SO ANGRY FOR YOU!!!!!!” </em>Mia followed up, her fingers typing at speeds fast enough to break the sound barrier.</p><p>Benji couldn’t help but smile. He’d wished he could have heard directly from his other friends but he was glad that they all seemed to be in his corner. Many of his other high school friends had become strangers as soon as they had graduated, so it was nice to see that someone was actually concerned for him.</p><p><em>"Idk maybe therapy made him realize he deserves someone better than me” </em>Benji wrote, acridity rising in the back of his throat. </p><p>“<em>no negative self talk allowed!! 😡” </em> Mia wrote back almost immediately. “ <em> be happy you’re still here because we’d be worse off without you. and I know having someone just drop out of your life is tough. you don’t need to tell me because my mom did the same thing. so I get it.” </em></p><p>“<em>thanks for listening ❤️” </em> Benji wrote back, feeling somewhat relieved that he was able to speak with her. It was good to get it off his chest and to tell someone who understood. “<em>also um… would you judge me if I told you I slept with Ish last night? 🙈 I feel bad about it but like… it happened 😣 not as good as Vic but it’ll have to do” </em></p><p>His face reddened a bit as he sent the message. Glancing behind him to see Ish still in the throes of REM, Benji quietly gathered his clothes, throwing on his underwear before slipping out into the corridor to hide away in his room. He definitely needed to shower. Despite his and Ish’s efforts to clean up at three in the morning, it was hard to be thorough in that state. He could feel himself sticking in places that had no business sticking. </p><p>When he turned the shower on and let the cool water roll down his energy-starved body, he thought about the short conversation he and Victor had last night. As much as it had hurt and surprised him, he could somewhat see where the other was coming from. He <em> had </em> acted recklessly. He <em> had </em>put his own life at risk. But it had been because he was worried about losing Victor. He’d killed two birds with one stone in that instance. It wasn’t fair for him to put so much of himself into his relationships and then to lose his shit when something bad happens because he was afraid of losing the relationship. He’d taken the leap to be with Victor and it had been the best decision he’d ever made in his life. But perhaps he needed to take time for himself, too. </p><p>He tried to think of a time when he wasn’t in a relationship, when he did what he wanted for himself and didn’t think about how it would impact his partner. It had been seven years. Ever since he started puberty, he’d always had a partner. He realized he didn’t really know himself as Benji, only Benji in relation to his partners. If he didn’t exist for others, did he exist at all? Victor had given him an opportunity to truly find himself. He wanted to take it.</p><p>Turning off the water and grabbing his towel, Benji dried himself off. He ruffled his wet hair to try and get some of the moisture out. Feeling refreshed despite his exhaustion and significantly less disgusting, he put on a fresh pair of underwear. </p><p>His heart still ached for Victor. But he wasn’t going to let that ruin his time in London. He would become better. For himself.</p><p>Benji exited the bathroom, trying to keep himself from making too much noise as he trekked down the corridor. The door to Ish’s room opened as he passed, and Ish jumped when he saw him. Chuckling, Benji approached him.</p><p>They eyed each other for a moment, before Benji stood on his toes and kissed Ish, nipping at his lower lip. </p><p>“Thanks for last night,” Benji said as he pulled away. “It was fun. But I wanted you to know that I’m not ready for another relationship right now.”</p><p>Ish gave him a small smile. “I figured as much. But I wasn’t expecting anything of you.”</p><p>Eyes widening, Benji didn’t know how to respond to this. “Seriously?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. I like you, and we can do it again whenever you want. But I wasn’t expecting you to become my boyfriend, yeah. I don’t believe in that sort of thing, anyways. I mean, I’m aromantic, so being tied down was never my thing,” Ish said.</p><p>For a second, Benji sparred with himself; he shouldn’t be hurt by the admission. He had decided that he didn’t want anything for the moment either, and he could understand not wanting to be someone’s rebound. But for some reason, he had been hoping for a different answer. Something about him not believing in relationships reminded him a bit of Derek. But Ish was much kinder and more understanding than Derek; he didn’t make him feel burdensome for existing. </p><p>What he had wanted for Ish to say was: “I’m ready when you are.” </p><p>Now he knew that would never happen. He blinked back tears, hoping Ish didn’t notice. All Benji said was: “I see.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you enjoyed that chapter! Were the developments expected? Also, I feel like Soledad has been pretty likeable so far so I'm curious how ya'll feel about her dragging Victor... (pops lip gloss) I will admit I enjoy writing the text conversations and using emojis and such haha. Also, the Mia and Benji friendship is something I hope happens in S2 because we already know they have a lot in common and would get on really well. Anyway, as always, go nuts in the comments. I wanna know what ya'll think!! And your feedback goads me to write more!! :D See you next week!</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Liberation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw for self harm in this chapter)</p><p>The impending holidays cause Benji and Victor to reflect more intensely on their breakup.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
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          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw for self harm just in case you didn't see the summary)</p><p>Hi all, thanks for returning for another installment of this story. I realize I kinda lied when I said I would update once a week. I felt like that was too infrequent, so I'll be changing to 2x a week (I swear I won't change that again ahahaha). And I know things have already been quite angsty and serious and I wish I could say we're out of the woods but alas, not yet. This chapter was definitely interesting to write, and I'm curious to see how ya'll react to the characters' choices. I don't want to say much more but I hope most of it makes up for the last couple of chapters, because I know they were pretty controversial and had a lot of people's emotions high. Or ya'll may continue to hate me... But I promise you, it will be a happy ending, if that's any consolation. Anyway, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ish’s lack of a desire for a relationship didn’t bother Benji, he told himself. He could deal with it. It wasn’t like he loved him or anything, but having someone to fuck when he was feeling sad (which was… more frequently than he cared to admit) was a good distraction. And of course, it wasn’t like Benji imagined he was with Victor whenever he closed his eyes, but he didn’t have to share this fact out loud. </p><p>He wondered if the times he’d let Victor’s name slip from his lips by accident went intentionally ignored by Ish or if he just didn’t hear. Ish seemed entirely unbothered, because he was; there was no need to stress when he made a point of having other partners over; he wasn’t Benji’s to have, and they both knew that. The resulting awkwardness led to Benji spending his birthday alone at home with Soledad eating a mediocre non-alcoholic tiramisu from Lidl and marathoning episodes of Rupaul’s Drag Race on a weeknight.</p><p>As the weather grew ever colder, the Northern winter sweeping over the British Isles, the Christmas markets opening in London and filling the air with the smell of mulled wine, spices and fresh pastries, Benji felt the pull back to Victor wrenching him even more intensely than on the day he had been dumped. He didn’t know if it was the stress of finals, the fact that he missed his family and Victor, or the holiday ambiance that pervaded every avenue and that it was so different to how it was back home, but it was something not even cigarettes, Xanax and a good fucking could fix. </p><p>And he still craved alcohol, but since his night in the hospital, his friends had made a point to keep him away from alcohol, which was easy since they were almost always out as a group. Benji promised to keep clean in the few times he was out on his own, but it was still so hard.</p><p>In the month or so since Victor had broken up with him, Benji found the days blurring together, as if his very sense and perception of Time had completely slowed down to almost a halt. He felt like he was stuck in a fish bowl, swimming in circles. Sleep. School. Eat. Fuck. Repeat. It also didn’t help that the sun barely showed itself anymore, his body’s need for vitamin D (not that kind) halting everything to a glacial pace, making that oppressive dark cloud that resided over his head engulf even more of his space. He never thought he would miss the Georgia sun so much; he’d taken it for granted.</p><p>“What are you lot doing for the Christmas holidays?” Soledad asked one day when they were all sat about in the living room watching old episodes of <em> Skins </em>. “We should go someplace warm.”</p><p>“Don’t you think it’s a bit late to be booking trips? At this point they’ll all be sold out or cost a fortune,” Nikita said, letting his head fall onto the back of the couch as he stared at the ceiling. “I’ll be going up to the Lake District with my family so don’t wait on me.”</p><p>Truthfully, Benji hadn’t thought that far ahead. He had little desire to go back home at this point, because he knew he would just want to see Victor, and given their last interaction, that wasn’t what Victor wanted; Benji wanted to respect that, no matter how much it hurt him to do so. He did miss his family and a few of his friends back in Georgia, of course, but the fact that he could video call them reduced the urge to go back and see them. If he could gather together some spare change, perhaps he could afford to go on a little trip; he was in.</p><p>“What did you have in mind? I have no reason to go back to the US anyway, so might as well,” Benji said, back pressed against Ish’s shoulder as he sat with his legs crossed, the ends of his hair tickling the other’s skin. He had his arm loosely linked with Soledad’s as she traced her fingers up the back of his hand absently.</p><p>“Y’ever been to the Canary Islands?” </p><p>“The only other place I’ve ever been to aside from London was Pakistan but that was just to visit family. So no. But it might be nice for us to go together, especially since I don’t do anything special for Christmas,” Ish said with a grin, ruffling Benji’s hair a bit.</p><p>Benji smoothed his hair down as he rolled his eyes playfully. “If it’s cheap, count me in.”</p><p>“Me, too,” Rhiannon said, clutching her fists, energy coursing through her. </p><p>“Okay, good. I already booked the Airbnb in Gran Canaria and got a mad discount. Let’s sort the travel stuff and then we should be set. I’ll send you my bank details later,” Soledad clapped her hands gleefully. </p><p>They handled everything quickly, wanting to set the date for around Christmas and Boxing Day, then with the plan to return to London before the New Year celebrations. Benji was looking forward to spending some time in the sun, and the fact that he didn’t have to break the bank to do so helped him relax. They still had some time to pack and make preparations, but Benji figured he should probably get on it soon. In the coming week, they had finals, so he would focus on those, and then afterward, he decided he would put his energy into finally packing. Knowing himself, he would throw something simple together after panicking over having too many choices.</p><p>As Benji padded down the corridor back to his room, he found himself missing Victor again, wishing he could join him on this trip. He thought back to their time in New York and how much he had enjoyed simply being in Victor’s presence, even if they didn’t speak. Benji felt as if he’d picked a scab that had almost healed, the pain in his chest coming back in full force. He resisted the urge to run to Ish because it felt like every time he asked him for sex, the mottled glass between them became slightly clearer. And as that glass became more translucent, allowing more and more light to pass, the image of Victor on the other side became ever sharper. He would have to face this fact at some point, but today was not the day. The forbidden fruit hadn’t been worth it. All he got out of trying it was a nicotine addiction. And that damn feeling of waiting for nothing...</p><p>Attempting to stay silent, Benji simply allowed the tears to trail down his face as he walked. It hit him even harder that he had properly lost the love of his life. Victor wanted nothing to do with him, and he didn’t have any other options. No one else could make him feel the same way. </p><p>“Are you all right, Benji?” came Ish’s gentle voice behind him as he placed a hand on Benji’s shoulder. Benji hated that in the few months they’ve lived together, Ish already had a way of knowing how he was feeling. He was too damn quiet and observant.</p><p>“No,” Benji said, turning around. </p><p>Ish sighed. He’d seen Benji’s tears plenty of times; it was as if that was Benji’s near perpetual state of being at this point. “Do you want me to--”</p><p>“Please leave me the fuck alone.”</p><p>With that, Benji retreated to his room, locking his door. </p><p>Hands shaking as he shuffled across the room, Benji opened his window, gazing out into the overcast London sky. He wiped his face before rolling up a cigarette, letting the smoke float out the window to join the clouds as he simply watched, face still.</p><p>Once he’d smoked it down to the end, he bit his lip and snuffed the cigarette out on his skin.</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Victor maintained that his accident had been one of the best things to happen to him this semester. He would of course gloss over the fact that he had dumped the love of his life, on par with what Mia and Soledad considered abandoning him, but that was beside the point. It had been a bit over a month since the accident and he was still recovering, but it wouldn’t be long before he was in physical therapy and back on his feet. Thankfully basketball season was over, and he could breathe a bit in the coming semester. </p><p>He’d managed to just barely pass all his classes, somehow finishing with a 2.61 GPA. Under normal circumstances he would consider that abysmal, but he got to retain his scholarship and stay in school, so he couldn’t be mad about that. His therapy appointments had become less frequent but somehow more effective. It was especially helpful that now he was on break from school so he could properly relax with no interference. He’d been so distracted with finals that he also didn’t have much of a chance to think about his breakup with Benji. </p><p>But now that he had the chance to sit down and think with no responsibilities, Victor felt the longing begin to sting him like a swarm of yellowjackets. He was still trying to take responsibility for himself, to give himself the chance to rest and recover, both physically and psychologically. Even though he had managed to come through in the end, and thanks to Mia’s help (despite her constantly giving him shit for being stubborn, stupid and borderline sociopathic -- her words), this semester had been one of the most difficult few months of his life. </p><p>The anger management therapy had helped, and Victor <em> did </em> feel more relaxed on average and less likely to pop off on someone. And his regular therapy had helped with his anxiety, too. He was able to stop abusing Adderall (at least, for now) and even got a medical cannabis card, much to Isabel’s dismay. But she had to grudgingly admit that weed <em> did </em> help Victor with his anxiety, and he <em> was </em>an adult, capable of making his own choices. Victor tried not to think about what might happen over the course of the next few years. But he knew he wouldn’t have the capacity for a relationship for a while, that much was clear. </p><p>Whenever he got the chance, though, Victor thought of Benji. He thought of how soft his hair was, how smooth his skin was, the way he looked at Victor like he was the center of the universe -- <em> his </em>universe. But more importantly, he thought of how kind and patient Benji had been with him, how many hidden things he would learn about him every day, as if he was constantly looking into a kaleidoscope, falling in love with every new image that appeared. Benji wasn’t simply an image but a human being in the flesh who somehow had the ability to numb Victor’s pain when he was around. He was so much more than Victor had hoped he would be. And yet he had let him go. </p><p>One of the things Victor had learned in therapy was the importance of writing down what he was feeling. He decided to compose an email, because while it went slow with his fucked up hand, it was faster and less painful than writing. </p><p><em> “Mi Vida, </em>” he wrote. </p><p><em> His life</em>. Victor had to look away from the screen for a moment to collect himself, blinking back tears. </p><p>“<em>I’m going to be direct: I miss you. That obviously won’t excuse what I’ve done to you. I’ve had time to think, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. It’s a bit of a problem that I’m constantly apologizing to you in some form of letter, but I think writing this down is better than me verbally trying to tell you everything that’s in my heart.  </em></p><p>
  <em> When I think of you, and how much I’ve hurt you, I feel as if I’ve hurt myself. Not in that corny way of looking at you as if you’re an extension of me, because you’re an independent person; but rather, that you are, to me, my world and my life. And seeing you hurt because of me, feeling abandoned because of me, is inexcusable. I was wrong to abandon you when you needed me.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Even though it’s not the responsibility of either of us to have control over the others’ emotions and behaviors, what I did to you was wrong. I was thinking of self-preservation while trying to justify it to myself as looking out for your wellbeing, because I was scared of truly losing you. I was more afraid of losing you in that moment than I was concerned with your love for me or your autonomy. And that’s not a healthy way for us to be together. I don’t want you to endanger your life because of me ever again, but I also can’t take away your ability to choose your own fate.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want to be with you because I love you and want you, not because I feel like I’ll die without you; and I want you to feel the same for me. We both deserve love and happiness, and I hope for us to be happy together. But we need to be together in a way that doesn’t allow fear and resentment to control us. I hope you understand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Breaking up with you was the biggest regret of my life. I say that not to manipulate your emotions, but as a true testament to my love for you. It’s a scar I’ll wear for the rest of my life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> While I know this will sound horrible coming from me, I think about you every day, and I wish I had the courage to get over my pride and face you. But for you, I’ll overcome it. To quote Márquez: ‘Courage did not come from the need to survive, or from a brute indifference inherited from someone else, but from a driving need for love which no obstacle in this world or the next world will break.’  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You deserve so much better. Again, I’m so sorry, and I wish you would forgive me; but that’s a gift you give yourself, not to me. I’m happy to wait for you, because there is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. I don’t need you Benji, but I want you. And I hope that one day you will feel the same way for me. The reason I didn’t say goodbye is because I had a feeling we would meet again, or at least, I wanted it to be a possibility. Even subconsciously I wouldn’t allow for that finality of a goodbye. Otherwise, the bridge would have been burned beyond repair. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When Márquez says ‘There is no greater glory than to die for love’, I hope you know he was mistaken. I want us both to live. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Te amo,</em>
</p><p><em>Victor </em>”</p><p>Stretching, Victor wiped the accumulated tears from his face with his left arm. When Isabel called him for dinner, he slowly rose from his seat and grabbed one of crutches to make the short yet arduous journey to the kitchen. Once he finished dinner and returned to his room, he passed out in his bed with the lights on and his door ajar.</p><p>Isabel, upon passing by Victor’s room and hearing him snoring, noticed the light coming from the crack in the door, opting to investigate. She hadn’t raised him to waste electricity like that.</p><p>Frowning, she peered inside, spotting his computer open on his desk along with a few crumpled up pieces of tissue. She sat down quietly in his chair, examining the screen and reading the letter that Victor had composed earlier. Her brows furrowed as her eyes welled with tears. She knew that part of Victor’s therapy was to write himself emails with his feelings and to save them in his drafts, but she couldn’t allow this one to go unsent. Glancing back to Victor’s form rising and falling on his bed in a slow rhythm, the painting Benji had given him still hanging on the wall, Isabel typed in Benji’s email address and titled the email “Mi Vida” before pressing “send”. </p><p>Grimacing, Isabel closed Victor’s laptop as quietly as she could, turned off the lights, and pulled the door shut. She knew that Victor would be furious if he found out what she had done. But the words of his letter had surprised her. She had never read something so heartfelt from her son. When she read his words, she felt like she was being embraced, cocooned with pure and unencumbered adoration. And the fact that he wanted to save those words for himself, and not for the one he loved, was one of the stupidest things Victor had ever done, Isabel thought -- aside from dumping Benji, of course. So, she could face the consequences of her actions when they arose.</p><p>Sighing, Isabel returned to her room. She knelt beside her bed and said an extra prayer for her sons to weather their storm; as long as she still breathed, she would fight for them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, did I redeem myself at least a little bit? Or do ya'll wanna yell at me for different reasons? Hopefully ya'll will stop wanting to fight Ish ahahaha. I'm really curious to know what ya'll think about the developments, though. Do you agree with what Isabel did by way of meddling? Honestly I just want to wrap Benji in a blanket and feed him soup and I've probably said that already but he's just a mess, my poor son. Anyway, 1 comment equals 1 happiness for our boys. :^( See you Tuesday!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Expedition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The London gang goes to Gran Canaria; Victor confronts Isabel. </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, welcome back for another installment. I know the previous one was... a time, but I think this one is a bit less painful, although that's for you to judge, ultimately. I've really enjoyed writing about Benji's and Victor's internal struggles in the aftermath of their breakup, because they do both really need some time apart to breathe and think through things calmly, and to feel their feels. Hopefully this one is a bit less painful to read in comparison to last week's because I know it was a bit tough. Anyway, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji stood in the soft, white sand with his bare feet, gazing off into the horizon through his shades as the wind tousled his hair. He watched the little white boats bobbing about atop the waves with the jagged brown cliffs stretching like an arm from the island into the distance. The sky overhead was a pristine blue, and the water almost matched but was a few shades darker. He’d gotten so used to the muddy brownish-green of the Atlantic that he never knew it could be so clear and blue in other parts of the world. Breathing in the salty air, he trudged back to where he had left his things.</p><p>It was a bit earlier in the morning, and his flatmates were still asleep in their Airbnb. He didn’t mind; he wanted a chance to do some exploring on his own, to see the sights at his own pace, and sleeping through the night evaded him. Sitting down cross-legged on a towel and buttoning his shirt to keep the cool air at bay, Benji simply watched the seagulls flying overhead, before turning his attention back to the island. It seemed to rise out of the ocean with a point in the middle like a concave shield before the elevation gradually sloped back into the depths, disappearing beneath the surface. He still planned to hike up there before they left, and he hoped he could drag his friends along with him. But for now, he whipped out his sketchbook and tried his hand at drawing what he saw. The scenery instantly inspired him.</p><p>He’d left his phone at the Airbnb, which would normally be incredibly foolish, but they had lucked out in getting a spot close to the beach, so he would have to try very hard to lose his way. But he had no way of telling what time it was after he had sat down to draw for a bit. He gazed at the position of the sun overhead, doing some quick math to determine that it must have been something like almost ten at this point. Somehow in the blink of an eye, three hours had passed. And he hadn’t even had breakfast yet. Somehow the waiting feeling had disappeared for a moment, before it was back again in full force.</p><p>Pleased with how his drawings had turned out, Benji rose from the towel and shook it out, gathering his things under his arm and returning to where they were staying. They had lucked out and managed to get a one-story beach house for the four of them. It was made from white stucco with a clay tiled roof and had stone floors and intricately designed flower patterns on the walls dominated by reds and oranges -- all designed to keep the heat out. But even though they were closer to the equator and the temperature on average was warmer than it was in London, it unfortunately wasn’t warm enough to justify going swimming. </p><p>Slipping into the house quietly so as to not wake anyone, Benji was surprised to see Ish up and preparing breakfast. They greeted each other and Benji sat to watch the other for a moment before shuffling off to the sitting room, which also served as a giant bedroom. There were two decent-sized beds against opposing walls, and a pull-out couch between them. A giant window in the middle of the room looked out onto the beach, a long, opaque curtain blocking some of the light. </p><p>Rhiannon lay under her thin sheets buried entirely, with a pillow over her head to retain some semblance of darkness. Soledad, on the other hand, was propped up on her hand on the pullout couch she and Benji had shared, as she scrolled through her phone. She looked up at him with a smile and a “g’mornin” as he sat down on the edge of the bed. </p><p>Picking up his phone, Benji raised his eyebrows when he saw that he had gotten a new email. He didn’t get a lot of emails, as it was an outdated method of communication, in his opinion. When he saw the title of the email -- “<em>Mi Vida</em>” -- and the first few lines of the body of the message, he couldn’t help but grit his teeth, swallowing back the wave of tears. Any feelings of relaxation he may have had a moment ago evaporated as if the sun itself sat in his palm, blasting him with radiation.</p><p>Just when he thought he would be okay, he got a gut punch; he didn’t have the patience for this. He contemplated deleting the message immediately. That was what his brain would tell him to do, at least. But his heart told him no, he <em> needed </em>to read that email.</p><p>Frowning deeply, his face darkening under the chiaroscuro of the cloud that returned to its position hovering over his head, Benji opened the email, bracing himself for the impact. The first few lines alone had done enough to shatter his already fragile, scarred heart as if it were made from pieces of mosaic that had been haphazardly patched together and stuck together with stem cells. And yet he made himself read it, every word of it. He excused himself to the bathroom so he could cry in peace without someone trying to ask him if he was okay. Every day he got the same question from everyone around him, and every day the response was the same: hell no.</p><p>Benji was so confused. Victor could have called him. And regardless, Benji didn’t know if he was in a state where he was ready to forgive Victor. The person he loved and cared for most in the world had basically abandoned him. He thought he would be able to escape these feelings on this trip, but they followed him everywhere, because they were a part of him. How convenient would it have been if he could simply siphon them out and leave them behind in London… It wasn’t fair that he had to be at Victor’s mercy. He squeezed his phone in his hand, wishing he could crush the damn thing, but it was sturdier than it looked. Thinking about how much he craved booze again, Benji sighed. Maybe he <em> did </em>need therapy. He was tired of using everyone around him as a crutch.</p><p>Wiping his nose in his sleeve, Benji looked at himself in the mirror. He’d gotten used to the appearance of his eyebags, helped by the fact that he generally avoided looking in the mirror if he could avoid it, but he didn’t recognize himself anymore. A good amount of his muscle mass had atrophied, making him look frail and feeble, his clothes hanging off him. The hunger he normally felt in the mornings after taking a few Xans to fall asleep barely affected him anymore. He chased it with cigarettes instead. Any food he did eat tasted terrible, even when Ish cooked it. Perhaps the sun and air would do him good, but he was doubtful. What he needed was help. There was only so much an escape could do for him.</p><p>As much as Benji wanted to say <em> something </em>in response to Victor’s message, he couldn’t organize his thoughts; there was too much to say. Most of all, that he didn’t know what to do with the information that the love of his life could have died. He knew that when one dies, one ceases to exist, as if one never roamed the earth, never breathed the air, never made an impact on those they crossed paths with. From ashes to ashes, from dust to dust. He could handle his own mortality, he knew he was nothing remarkable. But Victor… he was special. So kind, understanding, brilliant, willing to fight. He deserved to live a long life.</p><p>Ensuring that he didn’t have any traces of tears or crying left on his face, Benji exited the bathroom to see his friends taking their breakfast. He contemplated not eating with them but decided that he would join them. Even if he didn’t feel like it, he decided: he would make himself eat. Then he would write back to Victor. While it was too early to forgive him, Benji decided in that moment that he wanted to stop needing him.</p><p>----------------------------</p><p>Victor lowered himself into his chair slowly before opening his laptop at an equally slow pace. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t managed to figure out an efficient way to do these things, and he had too much pride to constantly be asking his mother or Pilar for help with basic tasks. He knew that he <em> should </em>be asking for help, at least that’s one of the things he got out of therapy; but sometimes he just couldn’t be bothered.</p><p>Now that he thought about it, he didn’t remember shutting off his computer last night. Shrugging, he logged in and saw that it loaded instantly; it’d only hibernated. Strange… </p><p>It took him a moment to process the fact that his computer had remained as he left it aside from one small detail: the message he had written to Benji was nowhere to be found. He liked holding onto these things for his own sake; and normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but he felt very exposed, as if he had opened his skin and let the wound dry in the air. Going into his drafts, he felt his heart rate spike when he saw that it wasn’t there. The message had no business being anywhere else. He just hoped no one had read it.</p><p>Resting his head in his hand for a moment, Victor groaned. A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts. </p><p>“Come in,” Victor mumbled.</p><p>“G’mornin’, <em> mi amor</em>,” Isabel said gently as she entered. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Victor sitting at his computer, his face scrunched in frustration. “Are you all right?”</p><p>“Mornin’, <em> Mami</em><em>, </em>” Victor replied. He swallowed before he continued, hesitant to meet her eyes, because he had a feeling he already knew the answer. “I… wrote an email last night, but when I went to look at it today, it was gone. You didn’t… read it, did you?”</p><p>Isabel stiffened, blinking as her gaze darted away from his. They both knew she’d been caught; he closed her eyes. “I thought Benji deserved to see it, so I sent it to him.”</p><p>He was finding it especially difficult to breathe and stay calm at this point. “It was private. Why would you do that? How many times do we need to have the conversation on boundaries?”</p><p>“Hah! <em> Ay, que loco… Él habla de ‘ </em> private’ <em> y </em> ‘boundaries’... You don’t get to keep something like that <em> private </em>. Normally I respect your space and your judgement, but some things you need to share with people so they know what you’re thinking,” Isabel retorted as she narrowed her eyes.</p><p>Victor couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You deliberately went behind my back and violated my trust. I <em> made my choice</em>, mom. Why would you meddle in my life?”</p><p>“Maybe when you were growing up we didn’t parent you very much because you were always so mature, in some ways more mature than even your father and I could comprehend. And I <em> know </em> you’re a man now and you can make your own choices. But I’m going to be your mother now and tell you that what you did to Benji was dumb,” Isabel explained, stepping closer to him with each word as her voice rose, until her finger was almost pointed in his face and she was nearly yelling. </p><p>Staring at the ground, Victor gulped. His mother hadn’t even lost her cool this much when he had gotten into his accident.</p><p>“That’s why I sent the message to him,” Isabel continued her rampage, showing no sign of calming down, and Victor knew better than to interrupt her. “It’s your life, and I know you acknowledged what you did and you’ve been therapized or whatever, but you can’t just give up on people. I don’t know what happened but you’ve become so… <em> passive</em>. I just don’t want you to let someone who was perfect for you go because of what? A savior complex? Give me a break. You two are <em> literally </em>crazy for each other. And honestly at this point, that boy deserves so much better.”</p><p>Finally going silent, Isabel took a sip of water and cleared her throat. Victor’s jaw clenched.</p><p>“I understand where you’re coming from,” Victor said, his voice quiet, “but please never do that again. And I guess I’ll have to be more careful with leaving things lying around for you to look at.”</p><p>“That’s all you have to say for yourself?” Isabel asked, incredulous. “Do you want me to say sorry for doing what <em> you </em>should have done a month ago? I thought I raised you better than that.”</p><p>“Look, I know you’re just trying to help me, but I don’t wanna have this conversation anymore. It doesn’t seem like what I’m saying is getting through to you,” Victor sighed. He turned back to his computer and went into the “sent” folder and, lo and behold, the message he had composed was there. It was too late to unsend it.</p><p>“Fine. But just know that I’m so disappointed in you,” Isabel said with an air of finality before she exited his room without another word.</p><p>Victor hadn’t heard her utter those words in a long time. He knew it was a manipulation tactic, a damn good one at that, and that he shouldn’t take it to heart. But hearing that directed at him still made him feel like a bad person. </p><p>When she had finally left him alone to sit in his guilt and ineptitude, heart clenching in his chest, Victor read the letter he had written again. He tried putting himself in Benji’s place, thinking about how he would react to seeing these words, how it must have felt to have someone leave your life with a half-assed explanation about looking out for your well-being. It would be difficult to believe what Victor had written, he knew. A scarred heart wouldn’t trust as easily.</p><p>Since the damage had already been done, Victor knew that all he could do was wait for some sort of response from Benji. Maybe he would just ignore it, and they could go back to avoiding each other and trying to move on. But perhaps his mother was right; perhaps Benji just needed a sign to know that he hadn’t given up on him truly in his heart. </p><p>He switched to another tab on his browser where he had Instagram opened, specifically on Benji’s profile, which luckily for him, was set to public. Eyebrows raised, he noticed a new post from when he had checked earlier (he wouldn’t admit when that was if asked, of course). </p><p>The post consisted of ten photos, mostly of island scenery -- sandy beaches, rocky cliffs, green mountains, crystalline water. There were a few selfies of Benji with the island in the backdrop, and Victor felt a pang in his chest as he gazed at his face. He didn’t know if he was imagining the heaviness in the other’s eyes, but he knew him well enough to know that even in his smiles, he was exhausted. And he wasn’t the only one.</p><p>There was one image in particular that Victor found himself drawn to, just because Benji wasn’t frequently present in his own photos. It was a photo of Benji sitting in the shade, brown hair a bit tousled and slightly longer than he remembered, with some palm trees in the background, and he was gazing off into the distance through sunken, dark eyes as if searching for something. Victor found himself holding his breath. This was the same way Benji looked at him before he gave him one of those small smiles reserved just for him. He wondered if Benji was thinking about him in that moment, too. And he wanted so badly just to <em> talk </em>to him. Perhaps Isabel’s meddling would prove useful in facilitating that. </p><p>Now all he could do was wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading and supporting once again! I know this chapter was a bit slower, but as usual, there are some revelations. I for one am proud of Benji for his introspection and I'm not just saying that because I wrote him lol. And I'm curious to hear what ya'll think about Victor's discussion with Isabel; whose side are you on? I know lately there's been an interesting split in opinions on Benji and Victor's behaviors and who was more in the wrong. Does this chapter change your tune? Anyway, thanks again for your support. Next week's chapter will be a bit longer because it's another holiday chapter. See you then! :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Temptation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw for self harm in this chapter)</p><p>Benji and Victor spend Christmas Eve apart. </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw for self harm in this chapter in case you missed it in the summary)</p><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment of this story. I know the previous chapter was a bit quiet but there were some big plot developments that happened. As with all the chapters, I had fun writing this and learning about the Canary Islands and their traditions and the geography and all that (yes I did research ahahaha). But this was a bit of a behemoth of a chapter because it's a holiday one lol, so you're in for a bit of a treat. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji wanted to make the most of his time on the island, so he didn’t want to ruin it by being miserable. If he had to force himself to be happy and enjoy himself, he would. There was no need to burden his friends with his problems, or to allow the cloud over his head to spread its shadow further. If he had to hide in the bathroom every once in a while to cry about something -- Victor, his own fucked up face and body, the waiting, Victor again -- then he would do it. It was fine. </p><p>After drying his eyes for the nth time, Benji stepped outside onto the terrace overlooking the beach, rolling himself another cigarette, cradling it in his hands like a baby bird so the wind wouldn’t carry it away. He wanted to go sit on the beach alone and draw some more, but his friends were all going to the Christmas Eve celebrations in Las Palmas and he didn’t want to be the odd one out. Normally, he wouldn’t care about going along with them, preferring the solitude lately, but something in his gut told him he’d better not be alone. Ironic that he was meant to trust himself when he didn’t.</p><p>He lit the cigarette and took a long drag as he watched the waves crashing to the shore, knowing their motion would never cease so long as the earth turned and the tides changed with the perpetual pull of the moon, the cosmos beckoning them and then drawing them away at the last moment. If he could, he would stay and watch this for the rest of his life. But for now, he finished his smoke, glancing around before sliding the waistband of his trousers down a bit and snuffing the cigarette out on his hip, which already looked like a game of connect the dots. He hissed, biting his lip as he waited for the sensation to pass. It was good he wasn’t sleeping with Ish or anyone anymore; he didn’t need people asking questions about his scars.</p><p>Wiping away the stray bead that had escaped the captivity of his tear ducts, Benji returned to the house where his friends were finishing up their preparations to go out. He put on a smile and examined himself in the mirror, not as displeased with his own appearance as he had been a few days ago. At least he had gotten a tan, his sickly, pale skin now taking on a more olive-adjacent tone that made him look slightly less corpse-like. </p><p>“Benji,” Soledad said, making him jump. “C’mere, babes, lemme fix your face a bit, I have some pale concealer left that needs using. Your eye bags hurt to look at. Can’t have you looking like a zombie when we’re out in public.”</p><p>Giving her an incredulous look, Benji cleared his throat. So he’d been that obvious. He was grateful he didn’t have to say anything, though; he sat down next to her on their bed, allowing her to put concealer on him as he sat quietly. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Soledad pried as she worked. “You seem down. Well, more than usual.”</p><p>Opening his mouth and then closing it again, Benji stopped himself from saying “I’m fine” because he knew she wouldn’t accept that answer; she was too perceptive. But he also didn’t want to come out and say how horribly he was feeling. She glanced at him as she waited for him to respond.</p><p>“Do you want some eyeliner? It’ll look pretty. And it’ll give you more time to answer my question,” Soledad suggested.</p><p>Nodding, Benji exhaled. He knew it would be a good reprieve from chain smoking while thinking about Victor. </p><p>Soledad held him by the chin, adjusting his head before she uncapped an eyeliner pencil and began to draw. He didn’t blink as much this time. “All right, spill. I don’t have all day.”</p><p>“Mmm… I don’t even know where to start,” Benji admitted, brushing some stray hair out of his face to give Soledad a cleaner slate with which to work. “I got an email from him the other day and it threw me for a loop. He apologized and basically told me to go to therapy and honestly, when we get back to London I think I’m gonna have to. I can’t just keep putting makeup on my eyebags, so to speak. What I want is for them to just be gone, you feel?”</p><p>Pursing her lips, Soledad paused mid-line, taking the pencil away from Benji’s skin. Opening his other eye slightly, Benji watched her. </p><p>“I… wanna tell you something that I’ve been keeping a secret for some time,” Soledad said, grimacing. “But please don’t get mad at me.”</p><p>“Why would I get mad?” Benji asked, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve literally done nothing but support me and be my friend.”</p><p>“Oh, we’ll see what you think about that in a second…” Soledad replied. “I may have sent Victor a message after he dumped you, basically telling him he’s rubbish and that sort of thing. What’s even worse is that he thanked me? It was weird. I was just in my feelings, honestly; I didn’t expect him to take it seriously.”</p><p>Benji would be lying if he said he hadn’t been flattered by this, even though he shouldn’t have been. He couldn’t help but smile. But he felt a bit bitter, too, that Victor had responded to her but had cut him off entirely, blocking him on every form of communication he could. It made sense, but it didn’t lessen the sting; it was as if he wasn’t worth responding to. Benji’s face fell again.</p><p>“Honestly, I’m not that upset,” Benji murmured. “I just wish he had talked to me, too, instead of just straight up blocking me. He… didn’t even say goodbye, and then he had the nerve to say some bullshit about how he didn’t want it to be final… It doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“A bit sad that smart isn’t your type,” Soledad said as Benji wiped the corners of his eyes. He gave a weak, breathy laugh. “But for now, you have the power. Let him sit and wait for an answer. Or you can just ignore him and make him grovel for your forgiveness.”</p><p>“Okay, fine, but I’m not looking to have power over him or make him beg. I just want him to talk to me. And I don’t think that’s too much to ask of him. Honestly, it’s the bare minimum at this point,” Benji sighed. Soledad continued applying the thick, dark lines to Benji’s waterlines. </p><p>“I get that,” Soledad nodded. “So what are you gonna do?”</p><p>“That’s something I haven’t figured out yet. It’s already been a few days, so I don’t want to let it sit too long. But I want to explain myself. Not just for him to take me back or whatever, but so he understands. Because that shit hurts. Like, I can’t stop fucking smoking and I look like shit and I’m basically taking… a ridiculous amount of Xanax and I’ll probably run out soon. I don’t think it’s 100% my fault; he had some part in it, too,” Benji explained.</p><p>“Oh, yikes. I can relate to that heavily. Not sure if you noticed but I don’t smoke either. My first girlfriend was a little older than me and got me hooked for a bit, too, and then she cheated on me, and if I hadn’t had a best friend with half a brain, I would have begged my girlfriend to take me back, too. I know it’s a bit different, but my point is, if I had been alone, I would have been a disaster. You can’t get back on your feet without help. I can’t interfere with your life, and I know a lot of Londoners don’t like to get in others’ business. But you’re not alone, and we can help you. Just say the words,” Soledad replied, finishing her work and pulling Benji up off the bed. She walked them to the mirror next to the bathroom so he could admire himself.</p><p>“Thanks for that. All of it. And thank you for listening,” Benji said. Not only had she been right with her words of wisdom, but she had been right about the makeup, too. He did look good, he acknowledged, turning his head to the side. </p><p>“Sometimes this stuff can be sorta… shameful to talk about, but if you ever want me to like, hide your drugs or anything, I’m your girl,” Soledad said with a giggle, before becoming a bit more serious again. “Okay, but this would look <em> so </em> much better with a little lipstick.”</p><p>“You know I’ll mess it up in like, a few minutes, right?” Benji said with a grin.</p><p>“Fine, but you know I’m right, babes,” Soledad teased as she put her makeup bag away into her suitcase.</p><p>A phone rang from on top of their bed, and Soledad scrambled to pick it up with a “hi babe” as she began chatting away with her girlfriend. Benji slipped into a floral button up mostly composed of red roses on a backdrop of green vines (he had to be festive, after all) and tucked into a pair of dark jeans.</p><p>“Hey, you look really fit,” Ish remarked as he entered the room, eyeing Benji up and down.</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji replied politely. This time, he didn’t blush.</p><p>Once they had all gotten ready to leave, they caught the bus to Las Palmas, which was about a fifteen minutes’ ride away on the north-eastern part of the island, not far from where they were staying. White buildings with clay rooftops stretched as far as the eye could see, like a wall sprawling in all directions. When they vacated the bus, the group trekked down to the Christmas market by the beach, stopping to photograph the huge, impressive Nativity sand sculptures on the way over. </p><p>The beach was fairly crowded, with many tourists pausing for photo ops, too. There were some iconic Biblical scenes depicted in the sculpted sands, and despite Benji being raised in a moderately agnostic-adjacent Christian family, he didn’t remember what a lot of it was supposed to mean. But from an aesthetic perspective, it was worth the trip to see. Benji made sure to take a lot of photos, thinking about how much Isabel would have loved to see this--</p><p>He broke himself quickly from that thought, shaking his head. Now wasn’t the time for that. </p><p>They wandered over to the market, taking in the huge assortment of goods available for sale. There were mostly handmade trinkets made of clay and wood, jewelry, sculptures, as well as leather and woven clothing, along with homemade biscuits and other desserts. Food stalls provided fresh hot fare, such as sweet potato pastries called <em> truchas </em> and aromatic shrimp and seafood dishes, along with the typical <em> turr </em> <em> ó </em> <em> n </em> and <em> polvorones </em> for dessert. And of course, in typical European fashion, there was no way to escape the stalls selling alcohol. Benji eyed them as he walked by, the fragrance intoxicating and making his mouth water. </p><p>When they passed by another stall, one with jewelry for sale, Benji paused. He eyed one bracelet in particular; it was black, with round stones, some polished, others matte, and some a big misshapen and jagged. It was made from volcanic rock and onyx, and Benji found it mesmerizing. On instinct, he took two, paying for the bracelets before putting them both around his wrist as he walked away. It wasn’t until later that he realized his mistake. </p><p>As night fell, the festive season feeling far too warm to elicit those familiar feelings of the holiday spirit that Benji got from <em> Nochebuena </em> with Victor’s family, the group of friends got some big plates of seafood and <em> papas arrugadas </em> and brought it down to the beach. They set down a blanket and shared their food, enjoying each other’s company and chatting idly. Benji didn’t mind having a new Christmas tradition, but it wasn’t the same as it was back home. The unfamiliar environment made him miss Victor even more.</p><p>It was almost one in the morning when they decided to head back to the house, the packed beach now almost empty, with only them and one other group populating the shore. They took the bus back, arriving just before two in the morning. As usual, Benji wasn’t particularly tired.</p><p>Still, Benji lay down in his bed with Soledad beside him. She promptly fell asleep, leaving him with her soft snores as his nighttime soundtrack. </p><p>Opening the email he had received from Victor a few days ago, he read it one more time before he began typing his own response. When he finished, he pressed send. He wiped his eyes, feeling the mass that had rested itself upon his chest like an elephant’s foot ready to crush the air from his lungs. </p><p>Withdrawing his usual seven pills of Xanax, he paused. He snapped one of them in half and put it away before taking the rest, the new sound of his bracelets jingling together making dread pool in his stomach. But slowly, the mass on his chest began to lighten as he fell into a deep sleep.</p><p>------------------------</p><p>Victor had never expected to be getting chastised by his family members for being single on Christmas Eve. </p><p>“Where’s that boy you were always with? He seemed nice,” one of his <em> t</em><em>í</em><em>as </em> asked as she sipped some <em> coquito. </em>“You’re not trying to give girls another chance, are you?”</p><p>Giving her a tight-lipped smile, Victor would simply shake his head and answer with his pre-rehearsed lines. Even after practicing countless times in his head he couldn’t get the words out properly. “Nope, I’m still gay. We just… couldn’t handle long-distance.”</p><p>It wasn’t entirely a lie, but they didn’t need to know all the details. That was usually enough to get them to leave him alone, but not before remarking about what a shame it was -- he wasn’t sure how many of those comments were genuine; or they would try to set him up with someone, which he would graciously decline and try to figure a way out of the interaction. It was more uncomfortable than it had been the first Christmas Eve he had Benji over since they began dating. At least he had someone to distract him from how awkward things were, someone who had experience dealing with the weird looks from homophobic family members. </p><p>Now he was alone and getting more attention due to his status as a newly single man than than for the fact that his bones were barely hanging together. Of course he did get some questions about his accident, but that was old news at this point and not as salacious. And thanks to his new, more discreet leg cast, no one could even tell that he was still hurt. His arm and chest had healed nicely and he was able to get the casts off before the holidays, but his leg was still pretty messed up. He still had trouble standing, too, and he felt a bit bad that he couldn’t help his family with anything because of his condition. Sitting around and not being able to leave had him tapping his good foot against the floor unconsciously. </p><p>When Pilar joined him, Victor breathed a sigh of relief, mouthing a “thank you” to her as she sat down beside him. She took his hand, shaking her head as she did so.</p><p>“Are you getting tired of all the <em> t</em><em>í</em><em>as </em> asking about Benji?” Pilar mused, watching their adult family members from afar. “ <em> T</em><em>í</em><em>a </em> Emilia wanted to set you up with one of Carmen’s friends who’s a girl and I thought <em> T</em><em>í</em><em>a </em> Luisa was gonna rip her hair out of her head when she said that, she was so pissed. It was <em> kinda </em> hilarious.”</p><p>Pilar chuckled, and Victor couldn’t help but laugh a bit, too. She squeezed his hand as Adrian and a few of their other younger cousins came barreling into the room, fighting over who would get to play on the Nintendo Switch next. They shrieked before running down the hall and into the corridor again, disappearing for a moment to give them some much-needed peace. This was short-lived, though, as more drinks hit and some of their family members began to break out into Christmas carols. Victor cringed.</p><p>“But really, how are you doing?” Pilar asked, ignoring the drunk singing happening before their eyes.</p><p>He looked down at his hands, playing with his sleeve. “I mean, I definitely made a mistake dumping Benji, that’s for sure. But at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I wrote an email with like, all my feelings and apologized for abandoning him, and mom sent it to Benji. He still hasn’t written me back and I feel like he never will.”</p><p>“Wow, Mom came through? She actually did something good for once,” Pilar replied, glancing over to the table where Isabel conversed with some of their family members with a smile.</p><p>“Okay, not cool,” Victor said, rubbing his temples. “I don’t think you’d be that happy about something like this if it happened to you.”</p><p>“Fair, fair. But in this case, you guys need to communicate. Dumping him was stupid and I guess mom was trying to undo your stupidity.”</p><p>“Why does everyone keep saying that… I get it, I fucked up, and I should have been there for him. But I could barely take care of myself. And when he…” Victor choked a bit as he recalled the events of over a month ago, “when he relapsed, I thought he would die or fall into a coma or something horrible like that. And I didn’t want him to ever experience that because of me again.”</p><p>“Cool motive, still stupid. If Benji gives you another chance after this you better thank Mom. Jeez, who am I anymore? I can’t believe I’m agreeing with Mom now.”</p><p>“Don’t make it a habit.”</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry. This is the last time.”</p><p>Slumping back against the couch, Victor groaned. Pilar rolled her eyes as she patted his hand before disappearing into the kitchen. </p><p>Later in the evening, it was time for the family to go to mass. At this point, many of his older cousins, who also weren’t particularly religious, decided to sit out as their older family members went to church. Victor stayed behind as well, not wanting to be bothered with trying to get into the car with his half-healed leg. </p><p>Eventually, Victor ended up in bed. He was tired, and wired enough with thoughts of Benji whipping about his brain, that he had no choice but to make himself a blunt to help him fall asleep. Opening his window to let the smoke out, Victor peered out at the sky. It was inky black, with small dots like grains of rice peeking back at him before the clouds covered them up. He felt lonely again.</p><p>His eyes started to droop and he crawled into bed, covering his head with his blanket until morning.</p><p>When he opened his eyes on Christmas morning, he wiped the sleep from his eyes before swatting his night table to find his phone. Yawning, he grabbed it, bringing it in front of his face. His heart began beating in his ears as soon as he saw the notification stating that he had an email from Benji.</p><p>Almost throwing his phone onto the floor as he tried to hold it in his now sweaty hands, Victor sat up straight in his bed. He swallowed as he opened the message and began to read.</p><p>“<em>Dear Victor, </em></p><p>
  <em> I’ll be honest: I didn’t know how to respond to this for a long time. And I still don’t entirely know what to say to you. I contemplated ignoring you, because the almost two months of radio silence gave me the impression you wanted nothing to do with me. Hell, I tried moving on, and you sent me this message, which completely threw me off track. All I’ve done on my trip to this beautiful tropical paradise is think about you and what you wrote to me and I’m tired of it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Perhaps both of us became acutely aware of the other’s mortality that day, but the difference between you and I is that I won’t let others suffer because of me, where you seem to have no problem letting your decisions impact people you supposedly care about. You just know the right things to say to get people to not get pissed at you even if they deserve to be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m not your plaything, even if I might have liked to be sometimes, but don’t get it twisted; I wish I could stop. This time, though, I’m not just gonna drop everything, forgive you and come back to you just because you asked nicely. Frankly, I don’t think I can trust you right now, or any time soon. From how you’ve behaved in the past, I could tell you had the capacity to be less shitty, but you and I aren’t the same people we were. I wish we didn’t both have to go through traumatic experiences for us to understand that. And I wish that I could write this as poetically as you, but I can’t; I’m still angry at you and I’m still hurt. I wish you had let me explain myself before disappearing on me. But at least you acknowledged that you were acting in your own self-interest. At least you’re self-aware. Somewhat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> What I really hate is that I can’t even be truly angry at you. Even when you stopped talking to me before you dumped me, I made excuses for you. I knew you were struggling. But I wish you would had talked to me then, too, and not just in the capacity of sex. As fun as it was, what I want most is just to have you around. I don’t think that’s asking too much, but I know that dealing with long-distance is tough. Perhaps we should have just broken up before I left, because at least it would have been under better circumstances. I’m tired of excusing you. That’s the shit I did with Derek and I didn’t think I would have to do it for you, too. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But honestly, the thing I hate the most is that I love you. It frustrates me that I understand where you’re coming from, even though it was all bullshit. You did say one thing that made sense that I agree with, though: I do need help. The amount of temptation I’ve given into lately because I felt like shit about myself is insane. If you saw me now you’d probably hate yourself the way I hated you for a while. I could tell you resented me even if you didn’t say it, and maybe you had to bring me down to your level because you also hated yourself. Good job, you succeeded.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want to fix myself for my own sake, and I want to stop needing you, too. But also, the question of if we can still be together is one that requires thinking and time. I’m still fucking confused. And I can’t forgive you, either. Not yet, at least. I need time to figure myself out.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yours, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Benji” </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... I hope you enjoyed that chapter. As always, I appreciate your feedback and thoughts on this story, because it motivates me to keep going!! I'm really curious to hear what you think of character behaviors and decisions and your speculation on meaning/motivations and such. I'll say that I really enjoyed writing the scene with Soledad and Benji, because for one, they are always so good together as a pair of besties, and for two, we stan more experimentation with aesthetic and makeup in Love, Victor season 2!!! Anyway, thanks for reading and supporting once again, and as usual, 1 comment = 1 big hug for Benji and Victor and for them to stop being stupid. See you in the next installment!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Resolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Benji and Victor celebrate the New Year separately.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again, all. Hope you're doing well. Welcome back for another installment of this story. The last chapter seemed to have incited a lot of emotions in ya'll and I wasn't expecting that, truthfully. It's always fascinating to me to see the split between people taking sides with either Vic or Benji. I also wasn't expecting Benji's letter to be so impactful! Tbh I'll admit that him sorta ripping into Vic was a bit satisfying to write after all that's happened. I won't spoil the later chapters, though, but things will become less messy, is all I'll say. Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Somehow, but she wouldn’t share how, Soledad had managed to score tickets to view the New Years Eve fireworks on the bank of the Thames. Her only request of them was that they all dress up in their poshest outfits, which Benji was happy to oblige.</p><p>As usual, she insisted on doing Benji’s makeup, complaining that despite his tan, his eye bags were still too obnoxious. And so he allowed her to cover them with concealer and a little bit of winged eyeliner. He wouldn’t say it aloud, but he <em> did </em>secretly enjoy having an excuse to wear makeup, because for some reason “just because” didn’t seem like a good enough reason; plus, as good as he was at drawing, doing his own makeup was too frustrating, but maybe he would learn eventually.</p><p>While he dressed himself in a simple red tux with fitted trousers and coordinated leather loafers, he reflected on the year. That was what one was meant to do at this time, right? He tried his best to block the memory of Victor from his mind, using all his willpower to shove it into the center of the labyrinth of his mind where he wouldn’t venture on his own so the hedges could cover it from view. Now wasn’t the time to think about when they had borrowed Mia’s cabin in the Georgia mountains, just the two of them, and hid away from the world, fucking and then cuddling under the light of the fireworks as they reminisced about how they’d almost got caught by the cops in those very mountains a couple of years before. </p><p>Slicking his hair back with some gel, Benji sighed. He wanted to make some resolutions. The first, which he was failing at miserably, was to decide if he wanted to be with Victor. He subconsciously knew the answer. </p><p>But he also didn’t want things to go back to how they were. He wanted to be better. Less needy. More sure of himself. For his own sake, he needed to remind himself. Luckily, due to the fact that they were on holiday from university now, Benji had enough time on his hands to do research on who he wanted to entrust his brain to in the New Year, having narrowed the list down to three candidates. Tomorrow, he would make his final decision.</p><p>Of course, Benji had other resolutions. Quitting smoking was another big one, and to get off Xanax completely another. Then he could go back to being teetotal. <em> Finally. </em>He knew he shouldn’t have fucked with drugs in the first place. They weren’t as fun for him as they were for other people. </p><p>Aside from going to therapy and getting his goofy brain under control, Benji wanted to improve himself in other ways. He wanted to learn to play more instruments, and perhaps try more vocal training. Hopefully his smoking habit hadn’t wrecked his vocal chords, but he imagined that once he stopped he would be fine. He just needed to keep up his routine, stay busy, so he wouldn’t have to think about the searing pocket in his heart that Victor had inhabited.</p><p>Once Benji finished getting ready, he exited his room, putting on his over jacket and buttoning it up. His friends soon joined him, Soledad dressed in a shimmery golden pantsuit with gold heels to match and a faux-fur coat over it, and Rhiannon donning a simple short black dress with a black peacoat over it. Ish and Nikita also donned different color tuxedos, with Ish teasing about how little variety there was for men’s fashion for those not adventurous enough to try something outside the box. Benji smiled politely, mentally kicking himself for being attracted to Ish at any point because he was honestly <em> mad </em>corny.</p><p>They took the Tube from South Kensington to Waterloo, a bit of a clunky route because geographically, it wasn’t far, but they had to transfer trains at Westminster on one of the busiest nights of the year to go to the busiest train station in all of England. Soledad didn’t care because it beat walking or biking or heavens forbid taking the bus in her five inch heels. They packed into one of the thankfully ventilated carriages of the Jubilee line going east, feeling ridiculous as other passengers crammed in along with them. Just one stop.</p><p>When they had managed to climb out of the train, drenched with sweat, they grabbed onto each other tightly so as to not get separated from one another. They tried to retreat to someplace there <em> wasn’t </em>populated by a trillion people, but to no avail. Human beings in a pile stretched across the entirety of both banks of the Thames, and the only place where they could have a reasonable amount of breathing room was under a tree a foot or so away from the crowd. It would have to do.</p><p>Shivering as the wind blew past them, they huddled together to share body heat as they waited for the fireworks show to begin, the sounds of people chattering and music playing drowning out any coherent thoughts Benji could have in that moment.</p><p>Once the clock struck midnight, the fireworks show began, illuminating the sky above the London Eye with colorful bouquets. For a moment, despite the noise from the explosions, Benji felt peaceful. He watched, mesmerized by the lights, Victor’s face flashing before him for an instant before it vanished. The weight of waiting seemed to lessen just a bit. Somehow, he knew things would be all right. </p><p>-------------------------------------</p><p>It was Victor’s turn to be at a loss for words. Almost a week after reading Benji’s message to him, Victor felt like he was back where he started, rooted in place, the earth drawing him into it and threatening to swallow him whole. He lifted his feet from the floor, unraveling the vine-like appendages, the psychological load lightening ever so slightly. His good leg bouncing up and down, Victor sipped on his second rum and coke, cringing a bit at the strong, bitter taste but preferring it over any other form of alcohol. He took a few more sips, hoping it would quiet his mind a bit.</p><p>Even though Victor had been lucky to finally get out of the house properly for the first time in a while, he wasn’t sure where he was better off -- at Mia’s New Years Eve party or in his own home. The cast on his leg had been off for two days, and he still struggled to walk, so he remained sedentary for most of the time. It was awkward to constantly have to ask his friends to bring him things, but they were gracious enough not to say anything about it, obliging him without complaint. Victor was thankful no one made a fuss over him. </p><p>Sat between Felix and Lake on one side, and Mia and Andrew on the other, Victor felt very much like a third wheel. His friends tried to pretend like he wasn’t there alone, despite the fact that Benji’s absence served as a loud and blatant reminder of how much Victor had fucked up. </p><p>At least Felix seemed to be attempting to include Victor, whereas Mia appeared uncomfortable with his presence, avoiding his gaze, despite her insistence that he attend. Perhaps she simply wanted to be polite, since she had invited many of their old classmates to her mansion for New Years Eve celebrations. </p><p>The lack of parental supervision was a recipe for chaos, and with Mia’s insistence that if they were in Europe they would have been able to drink at this age, the presence of alcohol in such quantities earned a shrug from Mia and nothing more. Victor’s vigilance when handling alcohol around Benji remained even now, despite his absence, and Victor had to remind himself that he could drink without thinking about it now because he didn’t have to worry about Benji relapsing. Freezing, Victor pushed the thought away, downing the rest of his drink as the image of Benji crumpled in a pile on the ground, unmoving, plastered itself to his mental screen. </p><p>“Felix, could you make me another drink, please?” Victor asked his best friend with a tight-lipped smile, earning a wide-eyed stare from Felix. </p><p>“Sure thing, buddy. But you can slow down, you know. It’s not a competition,” Felix chuckled, clapping Victor on the shoulder gently before he rose and ran over to the kitchen to play bartender. </p><p>He decided that after his third drink he would go out and have a smoke. It was a bit after 11 at night, with the big-screen television showing footage of the concert in Times Square as they waited for the ball to drop. If it hadn’t been for the black-tie dress code and the date on the calendar, Victor wouldn’t think that they were going into a new year. He hadn’t even spent any time thinking about the future or what he wanted to do with himself, his mental compass continuing to spin, flip-flopping in different directions every so often. </p><p>Victor contemplated the arbitrariness of this day, how in the grand scheme of things, it meant nothing. This day, like the tens of thousands he would experience throughout his lifetime, would also become insignificant in the same way his body would after the ground claimed him, engulfing him and using the elements in his body to build new life. </p><p>The nitrogen in his muscles would break down to become soil for the trees and shrubs, the carbon would become fuel, the calcium in his bones would also go to feed the soil, with the rest going where nature took it, whether it be into the water or the air. He didn’t know what came after that for his soul, but he found comfort in the idea that perhaps he wasn’t so insignificant after all. </p><p>Breaking him from his thoughts, Felix returned with Victor’s drink, handing it to him with a comical bow. Victor sipped at it, his previous drinks already hitting him a bit. He blinked as time seemed to slow down even further, the volume around him going a bit higher yet his ability to comprehend what people were saying falling to abysmal depths. Unbuttoning his blazer as the heat traveled across him, Victor leaned back against the couch and finished his drink again. He opened his mouth to ask Felix to get him another drink.</p><p>“That’s enough,” Mia said curtly, snatching the empty glass from Victor’s hand and setting it on the coffee table with a loud <em> clack. </em> “Victor, a <em> word </em>?”</p><p>Shooting up from the couch, Mia gritted her teeth as she took Victor by the hand, attempting to pull him up. Even in her pointy red heels she still looked tiny in comparison to Victor, barely taller than he was in his seated position. </p><p>Eventually, Victor rose, too, tottering as he tried not to put too much pressure on his healing leg, leaning on Mia a bit; she wobbled under his weight before she steadied them both with a sigh. Glancing around as she thought of where they could go, Mia’s eyes landed on the front door. She directed them both through it and onto the porch, the chatter from the party happening within falling silent with the <em> click </em>of the door.</p><p>“What are you doing, Vic?” Mia asked, sitting them down on the stoop.</p><p>“Nothing,” he murmured, head lolling to the side to rest against the railing.</p><p>Rolling her eyes, Mia grabbed Victor by the chin, forcing him to look at her. “You just downed three strong drinks one after the other. That’s not <em> nothing </em>. Felix really needs to put his foot down more with you…”</p><p>Victor’s eyes drooped closed. “Can you talk… less loudly, please? Thanks.”</p><p>Groaning to herself, Mia narrowed her eyes as she sucked her teeth. “You keep being irresponsible and acting like you’re the victim… Like, you hurt Benji and have the nerve to want us to pity <em> you? </em>Oh, what am I even saying, you’re too drunk to listen to me, anyway. You’re really good at fucking up relationships that don’t need touching, huh.”</p><p>Humming to himself, Victor said nothing in return for a bit. Mia wasn’t sure if he wasn’t hearing her or if he was ignoring her; she didn’t have the patience to figure out which. </p><p>“Didn’t even… send that email… on purpose…” Victor said, more to himself than to Mia, her eyes widening with the realization. At this point, she knew she wouldn’t get the answer she wanted. He wasn’t all there. She would ask him later.</p><p>Taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly, Mia rested her head on her hand and simply watched Victor, his body behaving like gelatin rather than actual flesh and bone. She couldn’t believe that at one point, she had been attracted to this mess of a man. </p><p>“I want… a smoke,” Victor muttered, shoving his hand in his pocket and fishing out his cigarillos and a small bag of plant. With shaky hands, he prepared a blunt, dumping the tobacco from within one of the cigarillos on the sidewalk. Mia cringed.</p><p>“Okay, fine, I do feel a bit bad for you,” Mia sighed, holding Victor’s hand steady so he wouldn’t rip open the wrapper as he sprinkled some little bits of weed inside and rolled it up. “Why else would you be getting crossfaded on New Years Eve?”</p><p>When Victor had assembled his blunt, he pulled out a lighter and lit it, taking the smoke deep into his lungs. It painted his insides rainbow before he exhaled, blowing straight ahead and closing his eyes tightly as the wind blew it back into his face. Mia covered her mouth as she chuckled. Victor offered her a smoke, but she declined.</p><p>They sat like that for a while as Victor finished his blunt. Soon, he was staring off into space, humming to himself for a bit before he quieted down, eyes glazed over. Mia raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“You good?” Mia asked him after a long silence.</p><p>For a moment, Victor continued with his staring as if he hadn’t heard her. Then he looked at her and nodded slowly, pupils taking up almost the entirety of his iris. “Yeah. But… I think I wanna be… alone.”</p><p>“Oh, no you don’t. I’m not leaving you out here by yourself. Not a chance.”</p><p>Pouting, Victor let his head rest on Mia’s shoulder. She shook her head, pushing him off gently and standing up as she tried to pull him back up. It was if Victor had gotten heavier in the last few minutes.</p><p>“But I wanna watch the fire… works,” Victor retorted, letting his hand slip out of her grip.</p><p>Pursing her lips, Mia smoothed his hair back before walking up to the top of the stoop. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”</p><p>Victor wavered but nodded. Mia ran inside, her heels <em> click-clack </em>ing against the floor. She returned with their friends in tow, along with bottles of champagne and flutes, setting them down as they all got comfortable on the stoop. </p><p>After popping the champagne and pouring it up for everyone, they sat together as the fireworks shot up into the sky, blocking out the stars behind them. Victor was glad he was high out of his mind, or else he knew he would have thought himself into a knot that he wouldn’t be able to undo. Instead, he simply watched the fireworks, his mouth agape as the colors intensified, vibrating a bit as he blinked a few times to right his gaze. </p><p>Once they had clinked their glasses to wish each other a Happy New Year, they sat sipping their champagne. Mia slipped Victor’s glass away from him when he wasn’t paying attention, because she knew he would overdo it if left to his own devices.</p><p>Despite being surrounded by his friends, Victor felt as if he were light years away, his conscience venturing closer and closer to the black hole at the center of the Milky Way. He saw the fabric of spacetime folding into itself as he approached it, the vacuum of space recoiling away from him as he travelled, going faster than light until he was forced to slow down, the energy from his body dropping close to absolute zero temperatures. </p><p>As he hung suspended in the blackness, he saw the familiar figure of Benji manifest before him, his form white and translucent. This time, Benji looked at him with indifference, climbing into the black hole and disappearing as quickly as he had come. Gritting his teeth, Victor followed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading once again. First off, hope ya'll are enjoying eyeliner!Benji because he's not going anywhere. Anyway, I'm curious to see if ya'll are satisfied with some of the resolutions/decisions that came out of this chapter. We aren't out of the woods yet but there will be fewer... sadboi hours. All I'll say is that the next chapter is one of the ones I had the most fun writing so far because I basically got to build a backstory for Benji and it was really fun. And I introduce another character who I really like but ya'll may be split on them too idk... Anyway, thanks again for reading and supporting as usual. Hope ya'll keep enjoying the story and hang in there til the end. I'm working on the last 3 chapters as we speak and your comments really help motivate me to finish. So 1 comment = 1 get better Victor and Benji!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Introspection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw mentions of self harm &amp; attempted suicide)</p><p>Benji goes to therapy.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again, everyone. Hope you're all well. Back at it again with this fic ahahahah. Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and I know I say that every chapter but I especially mean this one because the introduction of Benji's therapist is one I was anticipating, as he's really interesting to me and fun to write. Also, I feel like I did a lot of like, creating of a backstory for Benji which was a really interesting and fun exercise for me tbh, especially given we don't know a whole lot about Benji's relationships with Derek or his own family. Maybe some of it will explain Benji's motivations a bit and why he's so dang messy. Anyway, I really hope you enjoy the ride and I'm really curious to hear ya'll's thoughts on this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji had done his research when it came to choosing a psychologist before settling on Dr. Jagvir Singh, a younger, out gay man specializing in helping LGBT+ youth. The office was down by the river in Chelsea, about twenty minutes away from his flat, and Benji was happy to have an excuse to get out, even if it was to catch the few rays of sunlight that would be gone by 4 o’clock in the afternoon. </p><p>He put in his headphones as he stepped out the door and into the chilly mid-winter air, pressing “shuffle” because he was in the mood to be surprised. Pocketing his phone in his black overcoat, he then wrapped his maroon scarf around his neck, burying his face in the soft fabric to hide from the wind, teeth chattering. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, too, to keep them warm as he walked. The waiting feeling seemed a bit lighter today.</p><p>
  <em> I'm always ready for a war again<br/></em>
  <em>Go down that road again<br/></em>
  <em>It's all the same </em>
</p><p>As Benji walked, he rolled another cigarette, shielding it with his hand as he lit it up. He knew he should stop; he’d resolved to do so, at least. One more wouldn’t make a difference. Tomorrow he could start weaning himself off. But for now, he needed to settle his nerves. He pushed the thoughts of Victor aside once again. </p><p>
  <em> Tell me who's gon' save me from myself<br/></em>
  <em>When this life is all I know<br/></em>
  <em>Tell me who's gon' save me from this hell<br/></em>
  <em>Without you, I'm all alone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I fight the world, I fight you, I fight myself<br/></em>
  <em>I fight God, just tell me how many burdens left<br/></em>
  <em>I fight pain and hurricanes, today I wept<br/></em>
  <em>I'm tryna fight back tears, flood on my doorsteps</em>
</p><p>Sighing, Benji continued his journey, checking the directions on his phone as he finished up his cigarette. When he finished, he glanced around before rolling up one of his sleeves and putting it out on himself, biting his lip so he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. He rolled down his sleeve and continued walking.</p><p>Soon he arrived at Dr. Singh’s office, sitting down in one of the waiting room chairs, his leg tapping against the floor on beat with the music coming through his earbuds.</p><p>“Benjamin Campbell?” came a voice, shocking him from his solitude. He removed his earbuds and stood up.</p><p>In the doorway stood a tall, lanky man looking to be in his late twenties wearing an open black blazer over a white turtleneck, fitted black trousers and white leather sneakers. He wore thick-rimmed, round glasses and a smooth black turban. His beard was trimmed neatly, the curly tips of his mustache curling up further when he smiled. He greeted Benji with a warm handshake and a “y’alright?” as he ushered him inside, motioning for him to sit on the couch.</p><p>Glancing around, Benji took a breath. It didn’t look as scary as he thought it would. There were plants on the windowsill and around the office, along with colorful succulents that added some color and a peaceful ambiance. Benji also took note of a few framed paintings of trees and water hanging on the walls, as well as a small photo of Dr. Singh embracing a man he assumed to be his partner with mountains in the background set on his desk, which, for some reason, surprised him. He couldn’t help but smile, his mind almost instantly set at ease that he was in good hands. But he also couldn’t stop the pang in his gut as the green demon reared its head. He wanted that type of relationship, for himself, too. Dr. Singh watched him intently, giving him a chance to get comfortable before continuing.</p><p>“So, Benjamin. Why are you here?” Dr. Singh asked, his tone casual and surprisingly direct for an Englishman.</p><p>Rubbing his chin, Benji tried to think of a way to go about answering the question without being too overwhelming, but he realized there was no way to do that. </p><p>“Please, call me Benji. I spoke with my GP about taking some SSRIs, escitalopram in particular, but I wanted to talk to someone because I know medication alone isn’t gonna be the solution,” Benji said before he hesitated in adding, “and I’ve been trying to get over my boyfriend dumping me a few months ago and it’s not going well. I… need help, especially with the… self-harming bit.”</p><p>Dr. Singh raised his eyebrows, scribbling something down on his notepad. He said gently: “All right, Benji. Can I see?”</p><p>Benji removed his jacket and set it aside before he pulled up his sleeve, looking away as his face reddened. “I have a lot more on my hip, too. We went on a trip and I didn’t want anyone to see them and ask questions.”</p><p>“Yeah, I understand,” Dr. Singh replied with a soft sigh as he wrote a few more notes before he rolled up his own sleeve and showed Benji what he meant. Despite his darker complexion and the time that had passed, the darker splotches still shone even if they had grown faint. “I used to do that, too, actually, which explains why I’m not super reactive to this sort of thing. It’s concerning, but I get it. I’m not going to get into it now because we’re talking about <em> you </em> here, though.”</p><p>Benji’s mouth hung open. He didn’t expect that. Clearing his throat, he continued, recounting the details of his previous suicide attempt and how it led to him coming out ot his family for context. Dr. Singh was easy to talk to, giving Benji his undivided attention and occasionally writing something down in his notepad. </p><p>“I also use Xanax to help me sleep,” Benji added sheepishly scratching the back of his head. “I got a year’s prescription of it back home, and I’m trying to cut down but it’s… not going so great. I don’t really know what I’m doing. When I tried tapering, it didn’t really work.”</p><p>“Excuse my language, but who the <em> fuck </em>prescribed you Xanax? And even worse, who filled a prescription for that much of it? That seems incredibly negligent. I swear those bloody American doctors give that rubbish away too easily…” Dr. Singh said, smacking himself in the forehead, and Benji couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. “I can’t prescribe you any medication but I can recommend getting on diazepam instead and then tapering that instead. I can chat to your doctor later. But also, my job isn’t to be your parent or an authority figure. You’re not going to succeed here if you think too much about pleasing me.”</p><p>“Oh, thanks… I guess this brings me to kinda the crux of why I’m here. I was doing fine until my boyfriend dumped me following a relapse. He took the choice away from me and I felt like I was being… <em> abandoned </em>,” Benji said, his tone changing, the bitterness in his voice still present despite the time that had passed.</p><p>“What happened leading up to that?” </p><p>“So basically, this was on Halloween. My boyfriend got into an accident and I panicked. He was fine, but when I first heard the news, I had to face the fact that I might lose him, and I guess I wanted to join him. His best friend called me and I… I took five shots while on a really high dose of Xanax and ended up in the hospital. I… guess I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m alone. Like, truly alone, with no attachments. I feel really dependent on him, and I wouldn’t have even come to England if he hadn’t encouraged me,” Benji explained. </p><p>“Why do you think that is?” Dr. Singh ventured, writing a note down quickly before returning his gaze to him. </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Actually… hold on. Let’s go back even further… We’ll come back to this, obviously. But I want to know… what’s your relationship like with your father?” </p><p>Benji raised an eyebrow. “Uh… it’s fine, I guess. We aren’t terribly close ever since I came out. But it’s not like we’re... estranged.”</p><p>Dr. Singh nodded, taking some more notes. “Could you elaborate? ‘It’s fine’ isn’t a good answer; it doesn’t tell me anything useful.”</p><p>“I… don’t talk to him much anymore. He’s away for work a lot of times and I usually have other priorities, so our paths don’t cross frequently. But when we’re together for like, holidays and such, we’re cordial. At least he’s still in my life where it counts,” Benji recounted.</p><p>“It doesn’t sound like you’re happy about that,” Dr. Singh observed, adjusting his glasses. </p><p>“Well, it could be better. Ever since I came out, he seemed like he’s been… avoiding me. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but that’s the vibe I get. I’ve gotten used to it, I guess. I stopped trying to reach out to him.”</p><p>“You talk a lot about what things are like after you came out, and I’m really curious to explore that, but first I want you to tell me more about what your relationship with your dad was like before that. I’m really fascinated.”</p><p>Suddenly feeling very scrutinized, Benji gripped at his knees, nails digging into his trousers. He looked at the floor. “We actually had a good relationship. Like, genuinely good. He’d take me and my siblings on bike rides and road trips into the mountains, and we would go hiking and he would actually… talk to me. And ask me how I was doing. Maybe not in those exact words, but he would ask me about school, if there were any… <em> girls </em> I was seeing. He could accept that I wasn’t into stereotypically… <em> masculine </em> stuff, and instead was passionate about art and music and such. But when there were girls in the picture, things were fine. He would talk to me a lot about that, actually, now that I think about it. Maybe it was just his way of like, reassuring himself that I was... <em> normal </em>.”</p><p>“Interesting…” Dr. Singh said, pursing his lips. “I’m gonna say this now because even though I imagine you’ve heard it before, and you seem mature and well-adjusted enough to have internalized it, you <em> are </em>normal. Being gay is something that’s prevalent through basically all living species. And not to cause a fuss or anything, but it’s also not your fault that your dad basically tried his best to disappear from your life. You’re his kid, the responsibility for retaining contact and open communication is on him, not you.”</p><p>He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that until Dr. Singh passed him the box of tissues and he took one, dabbing at the stray tear that had managed to break through his defenses. </p><p>“Thank you,” Benji muttered, trying to collect himself. </p><p>“That’s what I’m here for,” Dr. Singh replied. “And I’m not gonna go too much into my personal life, as I said before, but I will say I empathize with you. Being gay is enough of a pain in the ass, and then our families often contribute even more to the psychological damage homophobia can inflict upon us. So, I’m glad you’re here, talking about this. I hope it’s helpful, because ultimately, that’s the goal.”</p><p>Benji gave Dr. Singh a small smile, grateful to have someone listen and understand him despite the fact that he was paying him to. He did seem to genuinely be concerned for his well-being and kind of reminded him of his older brother. “It’s good to talk to someone who gets it.”</p><p>“Right? Sometimes I wish I’d had a cool gay psychotherapist growing up, too,” Dr. Singh replied, before he continued more seriously. “Now, the reason for this exercise, that is, examining your relationships with your parents, especially your father, is that often our familial relationships impact how we behave in our romantic and sexual relationships. If your attachment with one of your parents isn’t secure, it can mean that you’ll seek out romantic partners who might exhibit similar patterns. Of course, as with anything, this isn’t an exact science, and it’s a spectrum. Not all gay men will have problems with their relationships with their parents, but some do. And in this case, I think some of the feelings and behaviors you’re currently experiencing are related to that. Does that make sense?” </p><p>Nodding, Benji tapped his chin. “I get that.”</p><p>“Now, if I’m going to get more evidence to support this hypothesis, I’m going to need more information. You mentioned your ex-boyfriend and some girlfriends, but did you have any other partners before your most recent ex?” </p><p>Sighing despite knowing that he would come up eventually, Benji closed his eyes. “Yeah, I had a boyfriend. <em> Derek. </em>But I dumped him for Victor, who was honestly a saint in comparison.”</p><p>“Tell me about Derek.”</p><p>“To put it lightly, he was a massive dickhead,” Benji said frankly. “He’s three years older than me and was in college when we started dating, which, looking back, is super creepy. I’m not sure if it was just him being pretentious or what, but made me feel bad for a lot of things that I liked, and I felt like I had to keep things sorta on the down-low so he wouldn’t make fun of me. Plus, he would always expect me to do what he wanted, and I eventually just started doing things to appease him. It got to the point where what I wanted didn’t really matter; it was really just about keeping him happy.”</p><p>Pausing, Benji took a sip of water as he looked down at his hands.</p><p>“It didn’t help that he was there for me after my suicide attempt and… paid a lot of attention to me. I felt like I… owed him a relationship. For sticking with me. After I came out at school, he was the only one who talked to me for a few months,” Benji continued, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He hadn’t thought about this in years. “But he would never say anything kind about me. I don’t know if I idealized him, or didn’t think I deserved someone better, but I kinda… figured that was how relationships were meant to be. At least, the gay ones. But eventually, I met Victor, and I felt like I started to see the light.”</p><p>Taking off his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose, Dr. Singh hummed. “It’s so frustrating how similar our stories are. Especially with the dearth of out and available gay suitors, these sorts of predatory relationships are too common. But I also know how isolating the whole situation can be. A lot of this is validating my earlier thoughts, but I also want to hear more about Victor, and why you decided to be with him over Derek.”</p><p>Benji recounted the night of the Spring Fling years ago, his eyes welling with tears. Dr. Singh listened closely, resting his chin on his hand as he took in what he said. </p><p>“I’d never met someone who made me feel as… <em> free... </em> as Victor did,” Benji recalled, smiling fondly as he remembered the way Victor would look at him as if his heart was in his eyes, and the voice he reserved just for speaking to him, soft, melodic, and sweet. “Even when he did little things like buy me a coffee or flowers, or even if he saw a cool rock when he was walking in the park and wanted to show me, he did things to show me that he was thinking about me. I didn’t have to beg him to do the things that I wanted or to get him to care about the things that I like. He just… <em> did. </em>And it always felt genuine. He took care of me, and I could just be myself around him and be vulnerable, without worrying that he would judge me.”</p><p>“You seem to talk a lot about what Victor <em> did </em> for you,” Dr. Singh noted, making eye contact with Benji. “Why do you think that is?”</p><p>Tilting his head to the side, Benji frowned. “I… don’t know. Is that bad?”</p><p>“Don’t worry if you can’t answer the question, you’re not getting a grade or anything. I just want you to think about it. Because ultimately, relationships aren’t about what your partner can do for you. Of course being kind to each other and respecting each other are prerequisites. But I suppose if you’re used to a relationship where your partner does fuck-all with regards to your emotional well-being, it would make sense to focus on that when a new and potentially better partner comes along,” Dr. Singh explained, stroking his beard. “Relationships aren’t only about what you can do for each other, but as you’ve observed, how they make you <em> feel </em>, and whether you sustain those mutual positive feelings through healthy and open communication. Obviously, they aren’t always going to be easy or free of problems. But it’s your job to mold and shape them with your partner, because otherwise, you just end up using them.”</p><p>Biting his lip, Benji nodded. He thought about the message he had gotten from Victor with a bit more clarity.</p><p>“I hope I’m not too much of an… anomaly to be fixed,” Benji said with a sigh.</p><p>“You definitely aren’t an anomaly, and you <em>definitely</em> aren't broken. Just struggling. And you aren't alone, either. But I feel like we covered a lot of ground today, so we’ll stop here for now. We went a little over-time, but that’s okay; don’t worry about it. My next patient is late, anyway,” Dr. Singh acknowledged, flipping through the several pages of notes he’d collected. </p><p>Benji checked the clock on his phone and sure enough, it was 3:10. The time seemed to have flown by. “Thank you. I guess I’ll see you next week?”</p><p>Dr. Singh rose to shake his hand again, leading him out of his office. “Next week I’d like to hear more about your relationship with your mom and the rest of your family. But for now I have some homework for you, though, before you go, since it’s pretty urgent. With the self-harm issue, I want you to try and stop that. I know that it feels good, I’ve been there. But don’t do it. Find something else to do with your hands. When the urge strikes you, go draw or write some music instead. If you <em> absolutely must, </em>you can draw on yourself. But I don’t want to see anything new next time, okay?”</p><p>“Yes, sir,” Benji replied with a wave. “Bye.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you once again for reading and supporting; I really hope you enjoyed this chapter as usual. I'm also curious to hear your thoughts on the little dive into Benji's psychology. Tbh I know a lot of people have complained about the idea of giving Benji daddy issues but like... Idk I feel like it makes a lot of sense tbh, don't @ me. Anyway, I hope things are starting to look better for our boys. They're really trying their best to be better. Also I know for a lot of American readers the therapy thing might seem a bit different and I just wanted to give a quick lil note that regular doctors have a lot more discretion in prescribing mental health meds and so you don't necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist for that, you can just ask your regular doctor for medication and they'll usually try to work with you (or at least that's my experience from living here in Britain). Anyway hope it's not super confusing for ya'll. And finally, 1 comment = 1 get better and make better choices soon Benji!!! See you next week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Commensuration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw self harm references/suicidal ideations in this chapter)</p><p>Victor has a heart to heart with Pilar; Benji spends Valentine's Day alone.</p><p>I've added a few more songs to The stars playlist for you to listen to while you read:</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw self harm references/suicidal ideations in this chapter in case you didn't see this in the summary.)</p><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment of this story. Hope you're all doing well these days. This chapter was interesting to write because it allowed me to include a plot point that I think a lot of fandom has been asking for (I won't say more because I don't want to spoil it). Victor and Pilar's heart to heart was very fun to write, as was Benji handling being by himself for once. I hope ya'll appreciate the developments in this chapter because I can assure you that some of the tension will be released soon. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor had managed to make it almost halfway through the second semester of his freshman year of college, the time breezing by in comparison to the previous semester. He was busy enough with his course load, along with his anger management and regular therapy, as well as with his volunteer work. And he turned nineteen quietly without a fuss, spending the day in therapy rather than throwing a party.</p><p>Luckily basketball season was over, so that was a load off his back, and his just-packed-enough schedule didn’t allow him enough time to wallow in his own pity. Plus, his leg was also fully healed, so he no longer had to deal with the challenges of other people driving him around or doing basic things for him and making him feel like an infant. It was good to be back in control of his own life, even if he did somewhat miss the lack of responsibility he had when he was recovering. </p><p>What he didn’t miss, though, was over-medicating with weed to get to sleep and to numb the infuriatingly frequent thoughts of Benji that would pop into his mind in those rare instances when he had too much time on his hands. The days he had spent in bed depressed and simultaneously trying to figure out how to use his left hand to jerk off (he’d gotten a bit better at it over the course of those few months) -- he wasn’t sure if it had been a worthy tradeoff. Doing nothing, his life stood still as if trapped in a glacier, which would break off from a shelf and come crashing down into the sea as the planet warmed, taking a physical breather while the thoughts careened through his skull, or doing so much he didn’t have the chance to think, gaining a psychological reprieve from the repeated stabbing he would get whenever he saw Benji’s face? Both had their pros and cons.</p><p>At least when he sat in bed, he didn’t have to pay attention to the painting on his wall above his bed, its presence a reminder of his own lunacy. Isabel had asked him why he didn’t take it down, and he didn’t have an answer. </p><p>It was Sunday, the evening of Valentine’s Day, and for the first time in many years, Victor stayed home. Alone. He sat at his desk, his books strewn across the polished wooden surface as he prepared for his midterms, which were starting in the coming week. But instead of studying, he sat with his back to his work, eyes trained instead on that dreaded painting… He couldn’t bring himself to unglue his pupils from it. In any other situation, he would tear it from where it hung, smashing it against the ground before he stomped on it and set it on fire. But he only imagined this scenario, and outwardly, all he could do was sigh. </p><p>He thought about how much time it must have taken for Benji to paint it, and Victor imagined him sitting on the floor hunched over his canvas and paints, mixing the acrylics on a palette with his love for Victor before smearing them across the surface to create what would become Victor’s most treasured possession, worth a million times more than all the property of the wealthiest men on earth. It would be a crime akin to slaughtering his own family to destroy it or even to hide it away. And so he didn’t.</p><p>In that moment, Victor craved a blunt, knowing it would help him take the edge off. But he had been trying to cut back lately, to give himself a bit of a much-needed tolerance break, and being back on Adderall made him a bit hesitant this time around. He hadn’t told his therapists about the Adderall, but they knew about the weed. Perhaps he <em> could </em>mention that it helps him focus and he could get a prescription for it, and the real stuff, not just something one of his schoolmates cooked at home in their garage, which probably wouldn’t be acceptable for distribution in any other setting. He knew what he was doing. </p><p>Realizing quickly that he wasn’t going to get anymore studying done that evening, Victor stretched and rose from his seat. He needed a distraction, and one that didn’t come in the form of smoke or pills. After spending the whole weekend cooped up in his room, (which in comparison to the months he had spent healing there, was not so bad), Victor needed to escape.</p><p>When he opened the door, he spotted Pilar standing before him, mid-knock. She lowered her hand slowly, eyes wide. </p><p>“Hey, I was about to ask if you wanted something to eat,” Pilar said. “Naomi and I made some cookies and they came out kinda ugly but they’re still really good.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’d love some. But… I don’t think I’ve met Naomi before. Is she a new friend?” Victor asked, following her down the corridor. He knew all of Pilar’s friends, since there were so few of them that he could count them on one hand. </p><p>“Uhh… about that,” Pilar replied, pausing her step and grabbing Victor’s wrist to pull him into her room, shutting the door behind her. She kept her voice low. “I haven’t told anyone else about this, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. And I think I understand why you were so hesitant to come out.”</p><p>Raising his eyebrows, Victor couldn’t control the smile that spread across his face. “So you’re gay, too.”</p><p>Shaking her head, Pilar shushed him. “No. Bi. I still, unfortunately, like boys, too.”</p><p>“That’s amazing,” Victor breathed, wrapping his arms around her instinctively.</p><p>“Gross,” Pilar said as she hugged him back, a small smile on her lips.</p><p>“How did you figure that out?” Victor asked her once they had pulled apart.</p><p>Pilar padded over to her bed and sat down, glancing at the door and motioning for Victor to sit beside her. “When I met Naomi, I felt like… a <em> spark </em> between us. Sorta how I felt with Eric when I first met him. I thought it was just because we’re meant to be good friends but like… then I started thinking about what her lips felt like and I just wanted to be <em> close </em>to her, like more than I ever felt with any of my other friends who are girls. It was so weird. Then I did some research and… voila. I’m bi.”</p><p>Stretching her arms out emphatically to punctuate her statement, Pilar shrugged before dropping her hands back into her lap. </p><p>“You definitely handled that better than me,” Victor admitted, scratching the back of his head. </p><p>“I mean, it’s easier knowing that <em> you’re </em> not straight, too,” Pilar replied, pointing at Victor. “Like, everyone already knows and whether they like it or not, they’ve accepted it. So I don’t expect anything bad to happen because people are used to it already. What’s one more kid in the family who’s queer? It might be a surprise for everyone but like, I don’t have to worry about being disowned or anything for it. You’re the OG, Victor.”</p><p>“Awww, that’s so sweet!” Victor cooed, pinching PIlar’s cheek, which earned him a smack on the hand and an almost-hidden smile. “So, wait. Is Naomi your girlfriend now?”</p><p>Clapping her hand over Victor’s mouth, Pilar shushed him again. “It’s the <em> plan </em>but I need a grand gesture or something. I mean, I already invited her over on Valentine’s Day, so I feel like that’s a bit more than subtle. But I also, like, I don’t know how to bring it up; I don’t even know if she’s into girls. How did you figure things out with Benji?”</p><p>Victor exhaled, covering his face in his hand. This must have been how Simon felt when he had messaged him asking for advice. Speaking of, he hadn’t messaged him in a while… The torch was in his hand now. But his heart knocked against his chest when he thought about Benji. “Okay, first of all, thanks for trusting me and for asking me for advice. I’m honestly touched. But also, do I <em> look </em>like I know how I pulled things off with Benji? It’s a mystery to me, too. And I fucked that up in the end, anyway, so.”</p><p>“Okay, fair. He <em> is </em> outta your league, as I used to say,” Pilar said, stroking her chin. Victor gave her a weak smile. “But you still succeeded in actually getting him to <em> date </em>you. That counts for something.”</p><p>“That’s rude,” Victor said, holding his finger up and bobbing his head dramatically. “But yeah, he kinda is outta my league, isn’t he… Anyway! He just… told me how he felt. ‘I wanna be with someone who doesn’t make me feel anxious all the time. Someone who makes me feel like I can just be myself, and that’s enough. That’s how you make me feel, Victor.’”</p><p>As he recited the words that Benji had said to him, Victor felt his eyes well with tears. He wiped them away with his sleeve. Pilar patted his arm. “Okay… that sounds easy enough, I guess. And Benji didn’t know you were gay at that point, so he really was going out on a limb, huh.”</p><p>Swallowing the rest of his tears, Victor nodded. “Just speak from the heart. It can be hard to tell if someone likes you back the same way, so the only way to know is to ask. But before you do that, it might be good to maybe ask her who her celebrity crush is or something to find out if she would even be interested in a girl. Although I think the fact that she’s here today of all days, baking cookies with you, is a telling sign. Just talk to her. Then once she shows interest, you can ask her on like a real date. I might not be as good at this as Simon but I hope my really pitiful attempts at advice prove useful.”</p><p>Chuckling to himself, Victor sighed. He thought about the night he and Benji had confessed to each other frequently, and lately, it’s done nothing but make him feel empty within. How could they have let things fall into such disarray? At least Pilar had her shit together. What was worse, was that he wished he could take his own advice.</p><p>“Thank you,” Pilar said, hugging Victor quickly one more time. “I just gotta… do it. Wish me luck! Oh, but first let me get you some cookies.”</p><p>Pilar ran down the corridor and returned a few moments later with a plate of cookies piled high like a Jenga tower, giving it to him with a broad smile. He slipped out of the apartment and into the cool air, sitting on the stoop with his plate and nibbling on the cookies as he stared off into space, sober.</p><p>A few moments later, Victor’s pocket buzzed. He withdrew his phone and read the message that Pilar had sent him.</p><p>“<em>We’re going on a date! I owe you one 🥰 </em>”</p><p>Pocketing his phone, Victor closed his eyes with a smile blooming on his lips.</p><p>Realizing he had never at least acknowledged Benji’s message, he went to the special folder in his email application, finding the most recent message he had received from Benji all those weeks ago. </p><p>“<em>Take your time. We can talk properly when you’re ready.  </em></p><p><em> Te amo,<br/>
</em> <em> Victor”</em></p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>It was one of those rare occasions when Benji had the entire flat to himself, the rain cascading from the sky serving as a good reason for him to stay inside. His flatmates had all gone out with their partners for Valentine’s Day, and he had to absorb the acridity that accompanied the knowledge that he was still, in fact, unattached. He was working on being okay with that, but the constant sensation of waiting for nothing that he would notice while awake, which was becoming more often now since he started trying to taper his medication, was slowly driving him mad. It was going to be okay in the end, or at least, that was what he kept telling himself. Even if Victor’s response had thrown a bit of a wrench into his plans.</p><p>He’d moved himself into the living room, because he spent enough time within the walls of his room normally, and having a bit more space would do him good. Reclining on the couch with the book Victor had given him, <em> Love in the Time of Cholera </em>, hovering above his face, Benji stared at the page, trying to focus. He didn’t remember what had drawn him to it all of a sudden, perhaps it had been the message from Victor, but he had a bit of leisure time that evening since he had already finished his homework for the coming week. His lack of other reading options didn’t help, either, and even though he knew he could always download an e-book, he was trying to cut down on the amount of screen time he’d been having lately.</p><p>Eyes glossing across the matte beige pages and foot tapping, Benji forced himself to focus on the words, their cadence dripping with honey.</p><p>"<em>And she was glad, because she preferred to evoke her dead lover as he had asked her to the night before, when he stopped writing the letter he had already begun and looked at her for the last time.</em></p><p>"<em>Remember me with a rose,” he said to her.” (15)</em></p><p>He had only made it fifteen pages into the story about some dead old man, and yet, he didn’t know what had come over him as the tears streamed down his cheeks, burying themselves in his hair as he blinked them back, damming them. They were only words, and yet when Benji thought about how alone he was, how he could die at any moment, and he wondered how Victor would remember him, if he would at all. He set the book down on the table with the spine up, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands; he knew the more he read, the more he would think. And the more he thought, the more he wanted to hurt himself.</p><p>Sitting up straight, Benji knew he needed to find something to do with his hands. Now he remembered why he didn’t read -- it was too idle. He felt like the skin on his hands was about to dry out and crumble from his bones if he didn’t get them moving, the urge to burn himself and possibly rip his own veins out engulfing him like a field of corn. </p><p>Scrambling down the corridor, Benji barged into his room, rummaging through his things until he found his paints and a canvas, which lay covered in a layer of dust in his bag, carrying everything to the living room and all but throwing it on the floor before sitting down among his supplies. He couldn’t stand the silence and allowed the audiobook version to play in the background to provide some tolerable white noise as he worked; he still wanted to know what happened in the rest of the story. Now he could understand why Victor liked this book so much.</p><p>Benji stared at the blank canvas, digging his nails into the back of his other hand as he chewed on his lip. He knew what he was going to draw even if he would hate himself for it afterward. Sighing, he took out a pencil and started sketching the face that he’d committed to memory after seeing it countless times. </p><p>“<em>Life would have been quite another matter for them both if they had learned in time that it was easier to avoid great matrimonial catastrophes than trivial everyday miseries. But if they had learned anything together, it was that wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good.” (22) </em></p><p>Shivering as he listened to the words, Benji began mixing his paints, quickly putting them down on the canvas with a brush. He could feel his movements becoming more erratic as the colors blossomed to life. The itch to shove another cigarette against his skin was still there, coaxing him to stop and roast his own flesh instead, but he persisted through it. But the more he looked at his work, Victor’s eyes sparkling up at him like little pools of brown crystal, the harder it was becoming to stop himself. </p><p>“<em>In the din of fireworks and native drums, of colored lights in the doorways and the clamor of the crowd yearning for peace, Florentino Ariza wandered like a sleepwalker until dawn, watching the fiesta through his tears, dazed by the hallucination that it was he and not God who had been born that night.” (42) </em></p><p>He was starting to realize that this was a bad idea. Hand shaking and covered in paint, he shut off the audiobook, shoving his phone aside. This wasn’t working. He dug through his supplies, picking out a blade, staring at it as it glinted in the dim light. Heart thumping in his chest, he thought about how good it would feel to slice ribbons off himself for someone to find later. He set the blade aside after a moment and picked up one of his markers instead.</p><p>The felt tip of a market didn’t hurt him the way he wanted, but it would have to do. He made a mental note to finally get rid of all the sharp objects he owned for his own sake. As he traced his veins with the blue marker before deviating into a drawing of some clouds and mountains, remembering the scenery of Gran Canaria, he could feel his pulse slowly dropping. </p><p>After a few minutes, he capped the marker and set it down beside the portrait of Victor he’d painted. It was still a bit wet, the acrylic paint still needing some time to dry since he’d layered on quite a bit of it in heavy mounds. He looked away, feeling like it was staring into his very consciousness, seeing all the mistakes he’d made, mocking him. The fact that Victor hadn’t seen him in this state was a blessing. </p><p>In all his mania, he hadn’t realized that somehow, this had been the best painting he had ever made. The short brushstrokes blended together so that from afar, they appeared united, like they were meant to be exactly where they were. The chiaroscuro made Victor look dark and warm, but his eyes betrayed him, their shine a facade of false honesty. Heaving, Benji picked up his phone again and took a photo of his workspace, wanting to preserve it for that moment. He would let himself be proud of it, he decided. </p><p>After posting it on Instagram with no caption, Benji eyed the painting again, its expression becoming sinister. Benji blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes with his marked up arms. When his gaze returned to it, the expression remained, goading him. <em> End it. </em></p><p>The thought of plunging the blade into his own neck a few times, to let the blood squirt from his carotid artery like a red spout, felt so enticing. He just needed to feel the weight in his hand again...</p><p>With a frown etched into his face, Benji took the blade from the floor and plunged it into the canvas, piercing the painting and pulling the blade down, before doing it again. And again. And again. Until it became a carcass of wood and cloth.</p><p>Growling, Benji took the frame of the canvas, pulling it apart so that it snapped into pieces, the still wet paint getting all over him. But he didn’t care. He didn’t want to see that cursed thing any longer. </p><p>He slumped back to the floor, tossing the canvas aside and running his hand through his hair, streaking it with browns and blacks and greens. Sighing, he stared at his palms, eyes traveling up his arms to where he had doodled before. </p><p>For now, the itch was gone. It was time to clean up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and supporting once again. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. As I'm sure you know, healing of any kind isn't a straight route, and I know I mentioned this as response to some comments from previous chapters, but it's true. And as always, never forget the details because they come back to cause chaos... Also, I feel like I've been putting poor Benji through the wringer but I didn't want it to seem like I was just enjoying torturing Victor lmfao. I'm an equal opportunity sadist. Anyway, I hope ya'll also appreciate wlw Pilar because I know a lot of fandom wants her to have a girlfriend so I was like, might as well. Real proud of her tbh. As usual, I appreciate your feedback, and 1 comment = 1 have fun Pilar and 1 get better soon Benji. Thanks again and see you Friday!</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Expulsion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw for mentions of self harm/suicidal ideations in this chapter)</p><p>Benji has an unexpected visitor.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
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          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw for mentions of self harm/suicidal ideations in this chapter just in case you didn't see the note in the summary)</p><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment of this story! Hope you're all doing well. I know a lot of ya'll have been waiting ages for Venji to finally get back together. It will be VERY soon. I won't give more specifics but. Soon you'll be rewarded for bearing with the rollercoaster that is this story and all the emotions associated with it. Just wanted to get that out of the way. Also, I'm definitely expecting some reactions to this chapter for... a few reasons which you'll see in a moment. It was p cathartic for me to write it as well overall and maybe ya'll will see why. Anyway, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Another Wednesday meant another trip down to Chelsea to visit Dr. Singh. They’d built up a good rapport over the past few weeks, and Benji could say he genuinely enjoyed the hour or so he spent there. But today, he found that he needed to drag himself into the office, the normally quick walk becoming a laborious one, his feet heavy and sticking to the pavement as if he, too, were composed of cement. When he entered the building, he gave a half-hearted “how’re you” to the receptionist before slumping into a chair to wait for Dr. Singh to call him in. He checked the clock on his phone; 2:03. <em> Shit.  </em></p><p>The door opened after a moment and Dr. Singh ushered him inside.</p><p>“How’re you doing, Benji?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m all right. How about you?” Benji lied, gritting his teeth.</p><p>“Not bad. I know you’re not a child and I’m not going to abuse my power as your psychotherapist at this point by checking you to see if you’ve self-harmed, but I trust that you’re working on avoiding it. How’s that going?” Dr. Singh asked as Benji entered his office.</p><p>“Umm, about that…” </p><p>“You all right?” Dr. Singh asked, eyebrows furrowing. Benji plopped himself down on the couch and heaved a sigh, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.</p><p>“Not really,” Benji admitted. He rolled up his sleeve to expose the marked up bits of flesh. The color had faded a bit but hadn’t come off completely over the last three days. </p><p>Grimacing, Dr. Singh stroked his beard. “Tell me what happened.”</p><p>“I think I got some bad withdrawal symptoms over the weekend,” Benji said as he pointed to the dark circles under his eyes. “I haven’t been sleeping well or eating and have mostly felt like shit. I’m… pretty sure I hallucinated, too. And I had like… a really short instance where I genuinely thought about stabbing myself. Painting to stop me from self-harming didn’t really… work.”</p><p>Dr. Singh jotted something in his notes, his mouth a thin line. “Hmm, I can see that. And suicidal ideations, however brief, can be serious. Did you call your doctor?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Benji’s eyes dropped to the floor. “I mean, it went away. Eventually. I didn’t think about burning myself with cigarettes or wanting to slice myself up nor did I want to die after it happened on Sunday night, honestly. Plus, like… I don’t want to end up in a mental hospital.”</p><p>Shaking his head, Dr. Singh tutted. “You shouldn’t gamble with your life, man. When you have episodes like that you need to tell someone. I thought you were serious about getting better and I’m not trying to scold you here, but you’re <em> paying </em> me to help you. So let me help you, and please cooperate, or else you’re wasting both of our time. I would <em> much </em>rather not be taking your money and see you well, okay?”</p><p>Burying his face in his arms, Benji wept. Dr. Singh took his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose, guilt written across his face.</p><p>“Look, Benji,” Dr. Singh said, his voice gentler. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you so harshly, especially since you went through something traumatic. But I meant it when I said the goal is to get you better and out of here so you can go on with your life and be healthy. And there are people who are willing to help you, but you need to allow them to. Okay?”</p><p>Lifting his head and plucking a handful of tissues from the box on the table before him, Benji wiped his face and nodded, sniffling. “Okay.”</p><p>“Good. And <em> please </em> reach out to someone if you ever feel suicidal again. You can’t undo it if you <em> do, </em>god forbid, end up going through with it. But I’m glad you told me at least. That’s a step in the right direction. I don’t want you to feel ashamed of having these sorts of feelings and urges because it’s actually fairly common especially when dealing with withdrawal. As much as we can try to minimize the effects, it’s not foolproof, unfortunately. But keeping these things inside isn’t going to help anyone. I’m not here to call the police on you unless you actually give me a detailed plan on how you want to off yourself. And I can see that you’re not in that headspace, which is good. So it would actually be unethical on my part to break confidentiality..”</p><p>Benji sighed, his body relaxing. Another weight lifted from his back, the sky returning to its position above his head. He rested his head between his hands. “Yeah… thanks. Being alive may be a bit of a pain in the ass at times but it beats the other option. And I’m not just saying that to get a good grade in therapy.”</p><p>Dr. Singh eyed him for a moment, studying his face. “That’s good to hear. We don’t know what comes after but there’s no good in trying to find out anytime soon… Now… are you willing to tell me more about what you hallucinated? Maybe talking about it some more will help you feel a bit better and understand why you were experiencing this sort of episode.”</p><p>“So… I was painting a portrait of Victor--”</p><p>“<em>Oh, </em>let me stop you right there,” Dr. Singh interrupted. “I know he’s your muse but do you see why painting a picture of your ex-boyfriend would cause psychological responses? Stress increases anxiety and can cause heightened symptoms of withdrawal. What were you doing before that?”</p><p>Caught off guard, Benji pursed his lips. He <em> had </em>thought about it. “I mean it makes sense. Before that, I was reading a book Victor gave me--”</p><p>“And what were you doing before you read the book Victor gave you?”</p><p>“Umm.. I was reading the email Victor sent me.”</p><p>“Another one?”</p><p>“Yeah it was short, but it made me think of him again…”</p><p>“All right… what did you do before that?”</p><p>“I did my homework.</p><p>“What do you think about when you’re doing your homework?”</p><p>Eyes on the ground again, Benji frowned. Victor. It was always Victor. “I can tell you already know the answer.”</p><p>“It’s normal to think about him, of course. Do you still experience that feeling that you described as… ‘the waiting feeling’?”</p><p>“Yes, all the time. I wish I could stop feeling it and thinking about him but… ever since he sent me that email I feel like I’m waiting to be back with him again. The hope that we might still be able to work things out hasn’t gone away and makes it… <em> worse </em>.”</p><p>“Then you need to kill that feeling. It’s part of having anxiety and I know it can be debilitating. And I know smoking and medication probably help a bit, but… sometimes the closure of treating this like the end of the relationship and moving on, even if you still love him and hope in your heart that the circumstances might change, is necessary. This goes hand in hand with reducing the stressors in your life. And I know you might not be able to get rid of <em> all </em>the stressors, and I know not having an object to direct your codependent feelings to can be extra stressful, but you still need to kill that feeling for your own peace of mind.”</p><p>“How do I kill it, then?”</p><p>“Having time and space to heal on your own, to take care of yourself, alone, and to remind yourself that you are enough as you are. Being okay with your own company and just allowing yourself to <em> exist. </em> Setting your own boundaries and not compromising. And ultimately liking yourself. I know that last bit seems impossible. But you have to. Even if you get to a point where you <em> tolerate </em>yourself. It’s better than hating yourself and slowly self-destructing. Invest your time and energy in self-improvement and maybe even find some new hobbies. Not to be nihilistic but in the end, we’re born alone and die alone,” Dr. Singh explained. He pushed his glasses back up his nose. “So it’s good to at least enjoy your own company.”</p><p>After the session finished, Benji left with his head full to the brim with ideas on how he was going to implement the new things he learned into his life. He did need to figure out ways to be less stressed out, first off. And the setting boundaries thing was something he would need to work on a bit more, too. He <em> did </em> compromise too easily. And maybe it <em> was </em>time for him to try some new things. He wasn’t busy enough to stop thinking. These thoughts whirled around within him as he walked back to his flat, humming to himself to make the walk back less tortuous since he had forgotten his headphones at home. </p><p>When he returned, he gave a nod of greeting to Ish, who was sitting at his laptop working on a new piece while listening to Wiley’s new album in the background. Benji slipped into his room; he had work to do.</p><p>A few moments later, a sharp knock rapped at the front door, its tone urgent. Ish, took his time setting his things down before opening the door.</p><p>“Hi,” Derek said, short of breath when he spoke. “Is Benji there?”</p><p>“Benji,” Ish called over his shoulder while standing in the foyer before the opened door, “there’s someone here to see you.”</p><p>He invited Derek inside, closing the door behind him; he’d been raised not to let people stand outside in the cold when they came to visit, even if they were strangers. </p><p>As Benji approached, he felt his blood run cold in his veins, as if bits of ice and hemoglobin mixed together tried to pass through the narrow channels of his blood vessels. He glanced from Ish to Derek, furrowing his brows as he gave Ish a look that made him nervous.</p><p>“Derek... What are you doing here?” Benji asked, jaw tensing.</p><p>Ish eyed Derek suspiciously, an inkling of understanding in his gaze. He looked Derek up and down, towering over him. Derek gulped. What he didn’t know was that Ish would never lay a hand on him, but he was satisfied knowing that his very presence was enough to scare Derek. </p><p>“I’ve been looking <em> everywhere </em>for you… I’m so glad you’re okay,” Derek said, engulfing Benji in a hug. Caught off guard, Benji just stood there frozen in place, his eyes gone wide. Ish raised an eyebrow, observing Benji’s face.</p><p><em> Please don’t leave me alone with him </em>, Benji mouthed to Ish, and the other nodded to him; Benji relaxed a bit at this.</p><p>When Derek finally released him from his hold, Benji took a deep breath. He had gotten sweaty  and clammy in less than two minutes, the places where Derek had touched him left with a sensation that made Benji feel like he had been covered in sludge.</p><p>“Let’s talk outside,” Benji grumbled, grabbing Derek by the arm.</p><p>“I’ll be in here,” Ish announced, returning to his spot on the couch and staring out the window immediately before him, that gave him a full view of what was going on out on the pavement.</p><p>Pulling Derek outside as promised, Benji positioned them before the window and glanced inside to see Ish, instantly reassured by his presence. He could do this; he put some space between them.</p><p>“Why did you come here? And how on earth did you even find me?” Benji asked, his voice low and venomous. He was normally patient; but the sight of Derek’s face had made him throw that patience straight out the window before which they stood. </p><p>Derek stared at Benji, daring to approach him. Benji stepped back. </p><p>“I hired a private investigator, of course. What else am I supposed to do when my boyfriend goes missing?” </p><p>“I’m not your boyfriend anymore and I don’t love you, Derek. I never did and I never will,” Benji said, his voice strong and firm. “You need to leave. And don’t come back again.”</p><p>“There’s someone else, isn’t there,” Derek sneered. “It’s Victor. You’re with that… <em> man child, </em>right?”</p><p>“No,” Benji’s voice broke. “There’s no one else. It’s just me.”</p><p>“What about the guy who let me in? He seems like your type,” Derek countered, looking down at him. “Because I know your type is anything with a dick that pays any attention to you at all whatsoever, right?”</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Benji shook his head. He ignored his snide comments; he knew Derek was trying to get under his skin. </p><p>A few months ago, Benji would have accepted Derek’s advances and the cruelty that came with them. He would happily go back to the comfort and allowed Derek to give him a second chance. And he knew he would revert back to doing everything he could to please him. He would become a shell of a man once more. That wasn’t what he wanted.</p><p>Scoffing, Derek stepped closer to him again. “I don’t believe you. You’re a serial dater; a slut, if you will. You can’t stand the idea of being alone and unattached. It’s honestly sad.”</p><p>“Well, you might not believe it, but it’s true. I may have had trouble with that before but I don’t anymore,” Benji replied, recoiling from him. He tried not to show it on his face that he’d hit a nerve. “What can I do to make you leave me alone for good? I want you out of my life.”</p><p>“Why would you want me out of your life? Don’t you love me? What did I do wrong?” Derek asked, his voice softening. Benji’s frown deepened as Derek rested his hands on his arms. The weight of him on his body instantly made him sick to his stomach, the spots on his arms where Derek touched him now feeling like he was being pierced by needles. He looked into the window again, exhaling.</p><p>“What do you mean? Derek, we <em> broke up </em> years ago. You were horrible to me. You <em> bugged </em> my phone.  And then you got into a whole thing with--” his voice cracked and he had to pause before he continued with a grimace: “ <em> Victor </em> … and almost ruined his <em> life </em> . You’ve done <em> nothing </em> of value, and you have the nerve to act like you’re innocent? Like you’re doing me a <em> favor </em> ? What’s <em> wrong </em>with you? And I’m not gonna excuse you just because you were in a coma,” Benji replied, gritting his teeth. </p><p>“Benji… what are you talking about? None of that happened. I would have <em> remembered </em> if it did,” Derek said, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re talking crazy.”</p><p>Biting his lip, Benji paused. He tried to stay calm. Benji from a few months ago would have easily fallen into the trap laid out for him and doubted himself. But he wasn’t so naive anymore. “Don’t gaslight me. I’m <em> not </em>crazy. You’re lucky I don’t believe in calling the police.”</p><p>“I’m not gaslighting you!” Derek said, holding his hands in front of him, but Benji narrowed his eyes at him. “I swear. Honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Like, I was worried sick when it was a few days before that stupid school dance you wanted to go to and then I woke up in the hospital and you weren’t around. It took me so long to track you down.”</p><p>For several moments, Benji made eye contact with Derek. The pieces had arranged themselves properly, and for the first time, Benji could see what they were showing him. There Derek went again, trying to make him feel bad for liking things; it didn’t work on Benji anymore. “So you genuinely don’t remember any of it.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t, because it sounds ridiculous and like it didn’t even happen,” Derek countered, rolling his eyes. “So can we please talk about something else and not some nonsense you made up?”</p><p>“No, it’s not nonsense,” Benji replied, venturing to take a step toward Derek, getting in his space. “It happened. All of it. Even if you don’t remember, it did. And if I have to break up with you again, I will. We’re <em> over </em> , Derek. Can you <em> please </em>just stop stalking me and move on?” </p><p>Derek swallowed, looking down at the ground. This time, Victor wasn’t there to serve as Benji’s shield. But he realized he didn’t need a shield at all. Exhaling, Derek looked defeated, vanquished. The bravado he wore like armor had sloughed off and fallen to the pavement. It was as if he finally understood. </p><p>“Okay,” Derek said softly. “I’ll leave you alone. For good, as you asked.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Benji watched him. “Really? That’s it?”</p><p>“I think it just hit me how many times you’ve told me exactly what you wanted and I completely ignored it because I thought I knew better, when I didn’t. And I’m so tired of holding the weight. These past few months when I tried to look for you, I had a feeling you had moved on, but I didn’t want to hear it,” Derek replied.</p><p>Benji couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad for him anymore. “Cool. I have one last request of you before you go.”</p><p>Sticking his hands in his pockets, Derek nodded. “What is it?”</p><p>Closing his eyes and sighing, Benji ran his hand through his hair. “Since you said you don’t remember, I believe you. But I want you to vacate the judgment against Victor. He’s had too much on his plate, and I… nevermind. Just please, let him off the hook.”</p><p>“Uh, I have no idea what you’re talking about but sure. I’ll try, I guess,” Derek shrugged. </p><p>Somehow, Benji didn’t sense any ill intent. Something told him he was being trustworthy, for once. The disgusting sleazebag of a man Derek had turned into after their breakup seemed like someone Benji had concocted in his own imagination but he knew that version of Derek had been real, too. He would no longer doubt his own senses. </p><p>“I want you to write it down or make a reminder for yourself so you don’t forget.”</p><p>“Seriously?”</p><p>“Yeah. I don’t trust you to remember.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Derek grumbled and withdrew his phone; he typed something quickly, then held it up to Benji’s face so he could read. “<em> Ask lawyer about vacating Victor’s case? (get more details about that)”  </em></p><p>“Happy?”</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said curtly. “Goodbye.”</p><p>“Goodbye, Benji,” Derek said with a nod, eyeing the window and gritting his teeth before he left.</p><p>“Have a nice life.”</p><p>When Benji turned away, he didn’t look back. </p><p>-------------------------------</p><p>Victor yawned, climbing into bed and burying himself under a warm pile of blankets after a hard day of being alive. In his typical ritualistic fashion, Victor took his phone with him, lowering the brightness so as to not burn his retinas as he scrolled through his emails .</p><p>Nothing new or interesting showed up…</p><p>
  <em> Oh. </em>
</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor stopped on a message titled “<em> Case number </em> <em> 1:2020cv30010 status update </em>.” He pressed it to open the body of the message.</p><p>As he read, his eyes widened. </p><p>“<em>This case has been closed with the following changes: Plaintiff has dismissed the claim.” </em></p><p>Eyes scanning the single line written in the email a few times, Victor couldn’t stop the smile that curled his lips. He threw his hands in the air and kicked his legs, feeling like a dog whose owner had just returned home from running errands, his proverbial tail wagging. At this point, he wasn’t going to sleep that night.</p><p>Not knowing what to do with this sudden burst of energy, Victor shot up, jumping up and down a few times before running around a few times in a circle. It had been months since he had felt the rush associated with pure, unfettered, shining <em> joy. </em> He was finally <em> free.  </em></p><p>Sitting back down on his bed, Victor grinned at nothing in particular. He had no idea what had made Derek change his mind, but he was relieved that he would never have to deal with him ever again. The amount of serotonin firing across his brain at that moment made him want to throw up, but he didn’t care. Finally, some good news. He immediately messaged his friends to tell them the good news, and he figured they were asleep, but he couldn’t help himself; he wanted to shout it into the night even if it would earn him a noise complaint.</p><p>Without thinking, Victor looked for the message chain between him and Benji, his face slowly faltering when he realized it was buried by countless other message chains that had taken precedence. He sighed; Benji <em> had </em> to have done something. Victor didn’t know what and he didn’t <em> want </em>to know. But there was something about not being able to share his happiness with someone, in fact, the most special someone he knew, that instantly soured Victor’s mood. He wiped the glassy nomad that trailed from his eye away as he lay down in his bed again. </p><p>His finger tapped on the Instagram app and typed in Benji’s handle, and even though he had mostly weaned himself off this habit, sometimes Victor couldn’t help himself. Therapy wasn’t foolproof. </p><p>Another new post.</p><p>Gasping and almost dropping his phone on his face, Victor sat up, swallowing the thick lump in his throat. The doppelganger staring back at him had reached through the screen and into his chest cavity, clenching its fist around his heart to draw blood. Victor shook his head, blinking back even more tears, the throbbing pain becoming unbearable. Benji hadn’t captioned it, but he knew exactly what he meant.</p><p>He closed his eyes and when he opened them, the painting glared at him. Once more, and it returned to normal, but the sinister glint in its eye seemed to follow him even after he shut off the screen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and supporting once again. I hope you enjoyed this chapter because honestly, I'm happy to finally get Derek behind us, and for both Victor and Benji to be free from his grubby lil hands. Sometimes it helps for your ex bf to get amnesia I guess. Anyway, I also know a lot of ya'll have been a lil upset that Vic is like, constantly being miserable and being a bit of a punching bag so now he gets to be happy!!! And soon he'll be even happier because he'll get to be with Benji!!! VERY soon!!! I hope that gets you hyped!!! It has me hyped!!! Anyway, thanks again for reading and supporting as usual. I have 2 more chapters to write and hopefully I can get those done in the next couple of weeks. 1 comment = 1 Venji getting to kiss each other again!!! See you next week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Reintegration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw discussion of self-harm)</p><p>Benji returns home.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, thanks for tuning into the next installment of this story. Hope you're having a good time so far. This chapter is a fun one because it's the beginning of what ya'll have been waiting for. Our boy is finally back home which means... you know what that means. Things are gonna go down. What sorts of things? We don't know! You'll have to see! I hope reading this chapter is interesting because we get to see a new character as well, and she was fun to write, I'll admit. Things are really getting into some exciting territory and I hope ya'll are excited, too. Anyway, enough of that. Enjoy the read!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last few months had been a sword fight on a tightrope over a pit of flames for Benji. He’d continued with his visits to Dr. Singh, getting used to his new medication and finally feeling calmer. But he had also managed to get far into the process of weaning himself off valium, and with 2 mg left to go, he could see the marked improvement this was making in his life. The nights he spent cutting pills and weighing them (while trying to resist the urge to cut <em> himself) </em> to ensure he was getting the appropriate dosage to stave off symptoms of withdrawal were starting to show their worth. Even though his sleeping and eating weren’t back to where they used to be, he was happy that he could eat and had more energy again. </p><p>Benji was even going to the gym regularly again and running now, which he never expected to enjoy, but he found that it helped keep him centered. The views in the city and the greenery relaxed him, especially when he ran through Hyde Park or alongside the Thames with Battersea Park visible on the opposite bank. He liked listening to audiobooks as he ran, because if he couldn’t sit and read he would at least want to fall into the world of a story while staying active. While he wasn’t able to get back to how he looked before, his frame still thin, he was happy that he wasn’t looking sullen, as if he were a reanimated corpse, and his clothes didn’t hang on him like before. The constant thoughts of Victor seemed to fade away with time, only presenting themselves occasionally now that he had more to do. Despite spending more time by himself, even getting back into painting subjects <em> other </em>than Victor en plein air, he felt less isolated and lonely than he did before. </p><p>He was even down to smoking a couple times a day rather than several, but he knew that when he was back home, he wouldn’t be able to hide his habit as easily. Quitting completely would be difficult, especially with the adjustment period he would have to go through to reacclimate to life in the US, but he didn’t want his family to know. He would tell them about everything else, minus the self-harm, though; he knew they would ask questions about the dark circles that were still slowly fading. He could lie and say he was just tired, but keeping up the facade required more energy than he had. The urge to hurt himself and that feeling of waiting still came and went, and the only way to appease it was to draw on himself. Whatever worked.</p><p>By now, it was the end of May, which meant final exams had finished and the semester was officially over. That also meant Benji and his friends had to vacate their flat. Soledad had already volunteered herself to live with Benji in the coming year, and Benji couldn’t complain; she was always a welcome presence. He was excited to host her in a few weeks’ time when she came to visit, too. </p><p>While things had gotten a bit awkward between Benji and Ish, they did eventually fall into a better, less sexually-charged rhythm once they realized they were more suited to friendship. Benji was no longer interested in Ish, or really anyone for that matter, since his medication had lowered his sex drive significantly. He wasn’t mad about that, though; he had other priorities, and sex was at the bottom of that list. It didn’t help that the only person he would ever even <em> want </em>to have sex with was giving him much-needed space.</p><p><em> I gotta walk on the… right side </em>, Benji thought as he followed the current out of the airport, his luggage rolling behind him. </p><p>Yawning and covering his face with the back of his hand, Benji then rubbed the sleep from his eyes. After taking the appropriate dose of medication on the plane, he woke up a bit drowsy but he would have to power through it, even if it was midnight back in London. At least he’d slept a bit and hadn’t forgotten to take his passport with him when he was done being grilled by Border Control. It was stressful even though he hadn’t done anything wrong.</p><p>When he walked outside, Benji shielded his face with his arm before he put on his sunglasses as the sun shone with at least another two hours of light before it would inevitably set. He took out his phone to text his mom to let her know he’d arrived.</p><p>“<em>Benji</em>! My baby!” </p><p>Whipping around, Benji searched for the voice calling his name from afar until his gaze landed on a petite blonde woman who was barraging toward him, her hands flapping about and making her look like a fledgling taking its first flight. </p><p>“Hey, mom!” Benji said, dropping his luggage as he prepared for the impact of his mother leaping into his arms and wrapping her arms around his neck. </p><p>She peppered Benji’s face with kisses, leaving behind red splotches, which he wiped away with a laugh. He held her tight, hands stretched across her small back as she hung onto him, her legs dangling. For a moment, they stayed like that. Benji’s eyes fluttered closed as he took in the scent of his mother’s perfume, the lavender and vanilla sedating him. </p><p>“I’ve missed you so much. The fact that you barely even texted me had me worried sick,” she sighed, her tears wetting the shoulder of his jacket. Releasing herself from his neck, she dropped down to the pavement with a <em> thump </em> and stepped back to have a look at him. “There’s something different about you… You’re wearing so many layers, aren’t you <em> hot </em>? Or did you forget what Georgia’s weather is like while you were over in London? And take those sunglasses off, it’s almost dark, you’re gonna strain your eyes.”</p><p>“It’s cold in London, that’s why,” Benji lied, chuckling as he scratched the back of his head before he picked his bags up again and they walked toward where his mother, Alice, had left her car. “But I missed you, too. I was… kinda going through some things. I’ll tell you more in the car. And I didn’t want you to freak out, but I have ridiculous eye bags. You know, school stress and all that.”</p><p>Alice pursed her lips as Benji loaded his bags into the car, studying him as he shut the trunk and hopped into the passenger seat.</p><p>“Don’t you think it’s a bit unusual that you asked me to pick you up? Where’s Victor? Or did you just wanna spend time with little ol’ me?” Alice asked as she put the car into “drive” and raced out of the terminal, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.</p><p>He felt her eyes on him and sighed, looking first at his hands as he picked at his cuticles, then out the window at the trees rolling by, frowning. “I mean, I <em> did </em>want to talk to you. But also… Victor dumped me.”</p><p><em> “What?!” </em> </p><p>The brakes screeched as the car slid to a halt a few inches from the rear of the car before it, and Benji’s eyes widened. Alice stared at him, nostrils flared, her face red. He couldn’t say he missed this part of being home.</p><p>“Yeah… He dumped me on Halloween, actually.”</p><p>Clutching the steering wheel as if she wanted to rip it off and chuck it at the driver in front of her, her canines glinting like a tigress before she tears into the flesh of a deer. They had gotten onto the highway where the road was more open, which gave her the space to accelerate further. </p><p>“I can’t believe he did that to you!” Alice all but shouted, and Benji flinched. “You’re <em> way </em> out of his league, you should have been the one dumping <em> him </em>!”</p><p>“Mom… please relax. You’re driving kinda fast,” Benji said gently. “Plus, I’m… okay. He and I were both having a bit of a rough time, and long-distance is always hard to deal with, for <em> everyone </em>. And you remember how he was dealing with a lawsuit and how that messed things up for him at school. It’s okay. I’m getting over things.”</p><p>She didn’t look convinced, but she let her grip on the wheel loosen a bit, swallowing. Eyeing him sadly, she said: “I wish you had told me so I could have been there for you. There’s gotta be more you’re not telling me.”</p><p>“Hold on, I’m getting to it. But please… don’t freak out.”</p><p>“You’re making me worried with how much you’re hesitating. You know I love you no matter what, right?”</p><p>“This is why I didn’t talk to you over these past few months, Mom. You freak out over things really easily. I can’t have a normal conversation with you. Like I understand you’re my mom and you’re concerned for my well-being and all that. But this behavior was part of the reason why it took me literally having a <em> near death experience </em>to come out to you and the rest of the family,” Benji explained, rubbing his temples. </p><p>Opening her mouth and then closing it, Alice hummed in response. </p><p>“Look, I’m not tryna hurt your feelings or anything but I don’t feel super comfortable talking about this sorta thing when you fly off the handle so easily and we’re in a moving vehicle,” Benji added. Luckily, they were close to home so it was only a matter of minutes before he would be safely on the ground.</p><p>“Okay, okay. You’re right. I know I can be…<em> difficult. </em> But it’s only because I care. Although it looks like I need to try harder to be a bit more… approachable, I guess. You never used to complain about this sort of thing before but I can be a cool mom!”</p><p>Shaking his head, Benji rolled his eyes. “Please don’t be a cool mom, that would be terrifying. Like, more terrifying than you almost killing us a few minutes ago.”</p><p>With a small laugh, Alice pulled into the driveway beside the black sedan Benji’s father drove to work. He gulped as he jumped out of the car to collect his things. </p><p>“Looks like your dad’s still home. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you,” Alice said with a small smile as she set a hand on Benji’s shoulder. </p><p>“Mmm… Not sure if he will,” Benji replied dryly.</p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“I’ve accepted that he and I will never have the relationship I want or deserve,” Benji shrugged. “So I’d rather cultivate the relationships that are actually working. It’s not my job to make Dad care about me.”</p><p>Alice furrowed her brows. “Where is this coming from, Benji?”</p><p>“That’s the thing I wanted to tell you… I’ve been seeing a therapist in London. And we discussed my issues with Dad. In great detail. Why should I have to keep trying all these years when nothing comes of it? And why am I supposed to be the only one taking initiative? He’s the adult; he should act like it. You know I haven’t heard him tell me he loves me in like… four years?” Benji said, feeling a tear trail down his face as he clutched at his bag harder than he expected to.</p><p>“So you wanna cut him off?” Alice asked, her voice cracking. She wrapped an arm around his shoulder.</p><p>“We could always try like, family counseling or something. I just don’t wanna feel like he doesn’t want me around. Because that’s the vibe I get when he avoids me. He might not even mean it but it probably just became a habit. Like, ideally I would like to have a good relationship with him. But I’m at the point where cutting him off wouldn’t hurt that badly. It’s better than getting anxiety whenever I hear him walking around,” Benji explained, wiping his face in his sleeve. </p><p>“Then I’ll talk to him,” Alice said, opening the door to the house and letting Benji in, following close behind him. “I just wish you’d told me sooner.”</p><p>Benji shrugged again. “I wish you’d noticed.”</p><p>Clenching her jaw, Alice could only watch Benji’s back as he retreated to his room.</p><p>When Benji was inside, closing the door behind him, he wasn’t sure if it was a mixture of exhaustion and jet lag and anxiety all catching up with him at once as he pressed his back against the door, sliding down to the floor as sobs wracked his body. He covered his mouth with his hand; he didn’t want his siblings to hear.</p><p>Scrambling to remove his phone from his pocket, Benji blinked a few times to reduce the distortion caused by his tears sitting in his eyes like leeches. He contemplated if he wanted to finally get in touch with Victor after all these months now that he was finally back home in Atlanta and they could talk to each other properly at last. It would get him out of the house and away from his family’s drama.</p><p>Heaving a sigh, Benji pocketed his phone again. Not today.</p><p>---------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Victor sat outside on a bench, letting the sun cast itself upon his face with its golden warmth, his brown skin glowing. He’d never felt more relaxed. Since he had finally been freed from his legal obligations, he’d had more time for himself. With school and therapy as his only obligations from February, he had more time to just… do nothing. And he didn’t feel bad about it. He didn’t even need Adderall or weed anymore, taking another tolerance break that he hoped could be for good. Even though he technically had a medical need for weed, he felt silly using it. The nightmares had stopped, and he was more or less sleeping peacefully. It seemed like a waste. He wanted to give his lungs a break so he could breathe. </p><p>Now that it was summer, Victor could go back to doing mindless work at Brasstown or perhaps even look for some internships and decide what he wanted to do with himself in the future. He still hadn’t had the chance to think about that properly. But there was something about pre-law that hadn’t been what he had imagined. It was interesting, but the prospect of putting himself through school again, and the costs associated with it, well… he didn’t want to think that far ahead. He didn’t think he had it in him, even if he had managed to scrape together a 4.0 that semester and he still had no idea how he had done it.. After all, while he was academically inclined, he still found a lot of things about school to be bothersome.</p><p>His pocket vibrated, distracting him from his slowly spiraling thoughts, and he took his time withdrawing his phone, raising an eyebrow when he saw the notification. Mia.</p><p>“<em>You know Benji’s back stateside, right? Are you guys gonna talk?” </em></p><p>Hands going limp and almost dropping his phone in his lap, Victor smacked himself in the forehead, his jaw tensing. The inevitable conversation. </p><p>“<em>I’m giving him space. He can reach out when he’s ready.” </em> Victor wrote back. He didn’t know why people kept trying to meddle in his business; he added: “ <em> I know you two talk but can we please just keep it between me and him?” </em></p><p>A moment later, his phone vibrated again. </p><p>
  <em> “I just wasn’t sure if you knew. Plus, I still haven’t fully forgiven you for that yet.” </em>
</p><p>Rolling his eyes, Victor stood from the bench. “<em>No offense, but you don’t have to forgive me. It’s not really any of your concern.” </em></p><p>He’d barely had the chance to message her back when the ellipses popped up on his screen.</p><p>“<em>I care because you’re both my friends and Benji used to be driving me up the wall complaining about you and now he… hasn’t so much and I’m not sure if that’s because he’s over you or because he’s gone to therapy or maybe he’s isolating or something. So yeah, it is my business. Don’t be like that.” </em></p><p>Stopping in his tracks, Victor’s eyes widened. He hadn’t actually expected Benji to take him seriously. </p><p>“<em>He really wasn’t doing well after you dumped him. I know he messaged you at the end of the year but… you definitely don’t know most of it. Hell, he kinda dropped off the face of the earth after a while. I wasn’t sure if he was even gonna come back; he said being back here would just remind him of you.” </em></p><p>Victor swallowed the lump in his throat. “<em> Sorry for being so harsh earlier. I know he and I have to talk, and I know that this isn’t just affecting me and him, but basically everyone around us. Thank you for updating me.” </em></p><p>“<em>No problem” </em>came her instantaneous reply.</p><p>Sliding his hands into the pockets of his shorts, Victor trekked through the park, letting his legs take him where they wanted to go. The sun was setting and he smiled as he heard the cicadas begin their evening song, their cheers propelling him forward. He didn’t know exactly where he was going, but as soon as he saw the familiar sight of Benji’s house from down the road, Victor paused in his tracks. </p><p><em> Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think this is what Benji wants </em>? Victor asked himself, standing in the middle of the empty road like a lighthouse rising above the shore and guiding boats back to land, the wind rolling over him and sending the humid air toward him. </p><p>Despite all the therapy, and the voice in the back of his mind telling him to stop being creepy, Victor couldn’t help himself. He wanted to see Benji so badly. It had been almost a year since he’d touched him. </p><p><em> Bro… what the fuck is wrong with you? </em> He asked himself again, the voice in his mind scolding him. <em> This ain’t it, chief.  </em></p><p>He paused again. What <em> was </em>he doing? </p><p><em> This is the type of shit that got you into this mess in the first place </em>, he reminded himself. He’d made it a few houses down from Benji’s house when he properly examined himself. </p><p>From a bit away, the <em> creak </em>of a door opening made him jump, his heart hitting his ribcage like a bullet fired from an automatic rifle. </p><p>He hid behind a tree and watched as Benji, oblivious, came out onto his front porch, leaning over the railing and running a hand through his hair. Victor observed him for a moment, the red string threatening to pull him toward the man he loved against his will. He cut the string, turning away and returning to where he had come from. </p><p><em> You can’t keep doing that </em>, Victor thought. He pulled out his phone, deleting the Instagram application from his phone immediately. There was no use in entertaining this behavior any longer. And he knew he should have stopped ages ago.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... what did ya'll think of these developments? Are ya'll satisfied? And what do you think of Benji's mom? She was definitely an interesting one to write. I based her appearance on George's actual mom, but her personality is obviously entirely different because Alice is... how she is. A lil bit of a firecracker, if you will. She does make Benji sorta seem like Buddha in comparison, doesn't she lol. And please don't make fun of Benji for having to remind himself which side to walk on bc I literally do the same thing whenever I go home lmfao. Anyway, I'm curious about ya'll's predictions for the next chapters and whatnot. 1 comment = 1 Venji finally being together!!! Things are really poppin' off now!!! I'm real excited to get to the meat of the last arc of the story. From here on out the chapters generally start getting a bit longer because there's a lot of ground to cover. Thanks again for reading and supporting as usual and see you in the next installment!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Succession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw for self harm/suicide mentions)</p><p>The first conversations of many </p><p>or</p><p>The moment we've all been waiting for. </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw for self harm/suicide mentions in case you missed it in the summary)</p><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment. As the summary said, this is the moment ya'll have been waiting to happen since chapter 6. It's pretty obvious but I won't say anymore just in case it's NOT so obvious. And as I've said, this is one of the many conversations that need to happen. Not everything is going to come out at once; it's a gradual process of sharing, learning, and understanding. But as we know, it needs to happen. Many conversations need to happen, because our boys are dealing with the aftermath of hurting and being hurt and they need to help each other heal at their own pace. I'm curious to hear ya'll's thots on this, though. Anyway, enjoy! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a few weeks since Benji had returned from London and had begun to reintegrate into Atlanta society. He spent a good amount of time with his siblings, older brother, Darius, who was two years older and just graduated, who would be attending medical school in the fall; and his younger sister, Kiera, who was a year younger and also now a sophomore at university, studying art as a classmate of Mia’s at Georgia State. While Benji had gotten used to doing a lot of things himself, he was happy to have his siblings accompanying him on runs and to do shopping and such. They had talked a bit during the semester, but the time zones made communication strained.</p><p>At first, Alice had been shocked when she came home from work one day to see the house cleaned, the fridge fully stocked, and dinner prepared, wondering if someone had broken into the house to straighten it out. She’d gotten used to doing most of the labor around the house on top of her shifts at the hospital, and the only time it would get done without her would be if she asked Kiera. The fact that she didn’t even have to ask in this case made her have to sit down and breathe. </p><p>“What happened in here?” Alice asked Benji as he walked through the kitchen carrying a basket of clean laundry to be folded. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Benji asked, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“Did you… clean up and run errands? <em> And </em>cook dinner?” </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Well, it needed to be done, so I did it,” Benji shrugged, carrying the basket of laundry down the hall to his room. </p><p>When he returned to the kitchen, where Alice sat with her head resting on her hand, Benji eyed her as she smiled at him. “Maybe I should send Darius and Kiera to London, too, if it’ll teach them to take some initiative around the house.”</p><p>“Mom, it’s really no big deal.”</p><p>“It is, though. Do you realize how much you’ve helped me? Here I was, expecting to have to come home and do everything myself. At first I didn’t think much of it and thought I was just imagining things or forgetting that I did this but… You were always so considerate and good in the kitchen. Thank you,” Alice replied, getting up and grabbing a plate. </p><p>“Thanks. I mean, I’m not gonna just sit around doing nothing the whole summer, so it’s the least I can do.”</p><p>“You really are the best, Benji. Just don’t tell Darius or Kiera, or else.”</p><p>A moment later, the sound of feet padding down the hallway preceded Kiera’s appearance as she entered the kitchen in her pajamas, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and muttering a “g’morning” to Alice and Benji. Benji ruffled her short black hair with a grin. </p><p>“Haha, more like ‘good evening’,” Alice said as she sat down at the kitchen table.</p><p>“Ooo, there’s breakfast!” Kiera said, making herself a plate, too. </p><p>Benji chuckled as he followed suit and joined his sister and mom for a meal at the table. He rolled his sleeves up just before his elbow, feeling a bit self conscious with each movement of his arm. The ink from the marker he had used to draw on his forearm earlier threw itself at his eyes and Benji scrambled to cover it, but it was too late.</p><p>“What’s that on your arm?” Alice asked with a mouthful of pasta. </p><p>“Whoa, those look really cool,” Kiera said, reaching across the table to hold Benji’s arm. He smacked her away and rolled his sleeve down.</p><p>“Oh, I, uh… just doodled on myself because I was bored,” Benji lied.</p><p>Narrowing her eyes, Alice trained her gaze on him. “You didn’t get a tattoo, did you? You know how I feel about that sort of thing.”</p><p>“Even if Benji <em> did </em>have a tattoo, it’s none of your business,” Kiera retorted, earning a glare from her mother, before she turned back to Benji. “It would be a sick ass tattoo, though.”</p><p>“Fine. I’ll tell you. But… don’t tell Darius. Or Dad. And I’m gonna warn you that it’s not pretty,” Benji said, biting his lip as he rolled up his sleeve higher this time, exposing the top of his arm and his elbow, where a collection of little purple-brown circles sat nestled into his skin. He looked away, swallowing. “I was drawing on myself because it’s the only was to stop self-harming.”</p><p>“You… did this to yourself?” Alice asked, mouth an etched line, eyes wide and brimming with tears as she examined his arm, first raking over the little flowers and trees he’d drawn on his forearm, then at the dots where he’d burnt himself countless times. “Why?”</p><p>“I… was struggling and I got addicted to Xanax, and I relapsed on Halloween after Victor got into an accident. It wasn’t his fault, though. I did this to myself, but...  I didn’t want you to worry about me, which I know was wrong,” Benji said, raising his gaze slowly when he realized that both his mother and Kiera were staring at him as if they were about to cry. He figured he didn't have to mention that he had been suicidal. Again. “But I’m doing better now. I’m taking antidepressants and I’m not as stressed out anymore. I’m glad I was able to get help.”</p><p>Alice rose from her seat and pulled Benji into a tight embrace, wrapping her arms around his shoulder and pressing his head against her chest as she kissed the top of his head. Kiera stood on the opposite side of Benji and wrapped her arms around them both. They stayed like that for a moment, all three of them with tears streaming down their faces.</p><p>“Please don’t ever keep something like that from us again,” Alice scolded him with a breathy laugh. “I had no idea you were having such a hard time because you didn’t <em> talk </em>to me through all these months.”</p><p>Benji sighed. “I didn’t really have the energy to talk to a lot of people aside from my flatmates. I needed to work on being able to be by myself without freaking out. But I’ll be better about communicating with you. I swear.”</p><p>Brushing the hair from Benji’s face, Alice shook her head. “I guess I can’t put all the blame on you, I should have tried harder, too. But I know it can be hard to admit when you’re unwell. You know, these sorts of things run in our family. I should have talked with you about mental illness a long time ago. But when I had postpartum depression, I didn’t want anyone to know, either. It can be… shameful to admit you don’t have it all together.”</p><p>“Yeah…” Benji said, wiping his face in his sleeve. He was glad to have gotten this off his chest, feeling the cloud of worry he had hanging over him dissipate. It was good to have told the two family members he was closest with. “Thank you both for listening.”</p><p>“Of course. I love you,” Alice replied, kissing Benji on the cheek and holding his hand tightly.</p><p>“I love you, too, idiot,” Kiera said with a small, sad smile.</p><p>They finished up their dinner in comfortable silence. The feeling of waiting that Benji normally experienced had faded completely. </p><p>Once they had eaten and cleaned up, Benji excused himself to his room. He thought back on the conversation he had with his mother and sister, and he realized how humbled he felt by the amount of love and acceptance he had experienced in that moment. Not only that, but he didn’t find himself doubting their words; he believed them. His heart fluttered in his chest. He wanted to hear it more. It was as if the shame had sloughed off his back and returned to the earth to perish beneath his feet. </p><p>The validation he had earned from sharing his feelings gave him a rush. Not in the sense that he wanted the external validation, but rather, the fear that he wouldn’t be able to be self-reliant and that he would be pulled back into the bubble of psychological dependence if he shared his struggles had been stripped away. He still felt complete, knowing he would remain whole no matter what. What he <em> wanted </em> , but what he didn’t <em> need </em>, he realized, was to speak with Victor. The anxiety of being away from him had vanished. All Benji could feel was the quiet joy that radiated in his chest, the inner peace. He didn’t preoccupy himself with what would happen if he had lost him; he focused on the present and the future, and the prospect of growing together with each others’ support.</p><p>Victor wasn’t his drug or his antidote or his damnation or his salvation; the answer had been before him all this time, yet Benji had failed to see it or accept it. With his eyes fully opened, Benji realized that Victor, like he, was a man, free, fallible, imperfect, mortal and flawed, but not beyond redemption. So simple a conclusion to come to, and yet, he hadn’t fully internalized it until now. </p><p>“<em>Victor, </em></p><p>
  <em> Hope you’ve been well.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Thanks for giving me space these past few months. I’m in a much better headspace now, and I’d like to see you again. Are you free this evening? If not, we can do tomorrow morning. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yours,” </em>
</p><p>Benji cringed as he wrote “<em> Yours </em>”, wondering why he had thought that was so romantic for so long. After all, he didn’t belong to anyone but himself. He deleted the word quickly, letting out a heavy sigh as he did so, and wrote instead:</p><p>“<em>Te amo,<br/></em> <em> Benji” </em></p><p>He pocketed his phone as he stared up at the ceiling, watching the fan making its revolutions. Down the hall, a door clicked, and the familiar footfalls Benji had memorized echoed through the house, the noise deafening in his ears. He swallowed. Something in him shrieked at him to be the one to make the first move, and so he rested his fingers on the doorknob. Another voice, this one quieter, told him to stay out. He usually listened to the quiet one; but today he wasn’t so sure.</p><p>From the kitchen, Benji heard the hearty, booming laugh of his father, the laugh he hadn’t heard because of something he’d said in years. Mouth pressed into a line, Benji removed his hand from the doorknob and exhaled. He listened further to the conversation down the corridor; his name came up several times. His father’s voice sounded strange… stilted… exhausted suddenly, as if remembering he had another son added to the emotional and psychological toll of being alive, a ton of bricks weighing him down. </p><p>In that moment, he knew the decision had been made for him. He fell back into his bed. So be it.</p><p>------------------------------</p><p>Victor and Adrian had returned home that evening, the sun still floating in the sky high enough to indicate a few more hours left of its light, ice cream cones in hand. He let his little brother inside the building before sitting down on the wall outside, staring off into space as he absently lapped at his ice cream, which was a combination of cookie dough and peanut butter with rainbow sprinkles, because how else was he meant to rep the fact that he was gay?</p><p>He pulled out his phone from his pocket to see if anything else of note was going on in the world. Eyes going wide, he saw the notification that he’d received an email from Benji; he hadn’t felt the vibration while he had been walking.</p><p>Curious, Victor opened it, his heart fluttering like a moth approaching a lightbulb, its fluffy appendages outstretched. Grinning as he read, Victor exhaled. </p><p>As he pressed “reply” to compose a new message, Victor rolled his eyes at himself. He didn’t have to keep doing this. Going into his contacts and selecting the one marked “<em> 💖💖💖LOML💖💖💖”, </em> he finally unblocked him. He also changed his contact name to “ <em> Mi Vida </em>” because it was more fitting. It had been 8 months since they had spoken properly.</p><p>“<em>Hey, I’m glad to hear you’re in a better place now. Where would you like to meet? I’m free now.” </em></p><p>A few moments passed before Victor saw the ellipses.</p><p>“<em>Brasstown in 10?” </em></p><p>He wrote back:</p><p>
  <em> “Ok. See you soon💗” </em>
</p><p>At this point, Victor threw caution to the wind. He wanted to make up for those eight months they had been apart; he didn’t see the point in trying to hide or suppress his feelings. Grin plastered to his lips, Victor pocketed his phone and made his way to Brasstown, shoveling the rest of his ice cream down his throat as quickly as he could while he walked.</p><p>When Victor arrived at an almost empty Brasstown a few minutes earlier than anticipated, he contemplated what he should order for himself and for Benji. Coffee was off the table, since it was too late in the evening to drink it without it causing sleep troubles. Pursing his lips, Victor’s eyes trailed down the menu. What if Benji had tried some fancy European hot drinks that he liked better now? For some reason, a simple drink order was making Victor’s hands sweat profusely. He wiped them on his trousers.</p><p>Jumping as the door jingled open, Victor turned around.</p><p>The Earth stood still on its axis again, grasped firmly in God’s impervious hands. Victor had been holding his breath without realizing, and in that moment, he exhaled a long breath, the air exiting his lungs for an eternity. Once his lungs had compressed, empty of any molecules, the clock started up once more. Gazing back at him, his eyes refusing to waver, was Benji. He knew he shouldn’t, but instantly, Victor felt at ease, smiling unconsciously in Benji’s direction.</p><p>“Hey,” Benji said softly, running his hand through his hair. His lips parted as his eyes widened, at a loss for what more to say.</p><p>“Hi,” Victor replied, face faltering a bit. </p><p>Benji felt the urge to look away burning in the back of his mind, but he kept his head up, their gazes connecting them wordlessly. The rest of the coffee shop seemed to slip away from view, leaving the two of them as the only beings in the room. Electricity coursed through their bodies, the cool shock making them more awake than if they had just been injected with pure adrenaline.</p><p>“Did you want something to drink?” Victor asked, breaking the silence between them. </p><p>Swallowing the lump in his throat, Benji wanted to wipe the longing from his eyes. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll get something myself. Go ahead.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow but nodding nonetheless, Victor ordered himself a sweet tea and went to sit down at the table next to the window. He knew it was Benji’s favorite spot.</p><p>Victor rested his head on his hand as he watched Benji from across the room, sweeping his form up and down and taking him in. He seemed… <em> different </em>. This was something Victor made as a neutral observation. But he knew he was different, too. They weren’t the same people they were over a half a year ago. Although all the cells in their bodies had not died and replenished themselves entirely as they are wont to do every so often, Victor knew their very essences had evolved in their time apart.</p><p>When Benji approached with a chai latte in hand, he caught Victor’s eyes on him. He still didn’t know what he should allow his face to do, because he still felt like he was dreaming, the experience of seeing Victor again feeling like a hallucination, a long, extended montage that he could soon wake from, and it would all be gone. But this was real; Victor was real, solid and human, and if he wanted to, he could reach out and touch him.</p><p>Sitting across from Victor, Benji placed his hand on the table before him, biting his lip as Victor watched him, head tipping to the side. He let the side of his hand brush against Victor’s, breath hitching in his throat as their skin connected. Victor was warm. He was alive. And he was right before him. He was sure he wouldn’t leave him again.</p><p>“You look good,” Victor said, breaking the silence and nodding in his direction. “Your hair looks nice.”</p><p>“You, too,” Benji breathed as Victor ran a hand through his longer locks, the natural waves more pronounced. </p><p>For a moment the silence fell between them again, neither of them entirely sure how to proceed.</p><p>“Benji…” Victor murmured. It was as if raising his voice any higher would break the illusion. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I haven’t forgiven you yet,” Benji whispered back, taking a sip of his drink. “But I want to.”</p><p>Shaking his head, Victor looked into Benji’s eyes. “You don’t have to, I said--”</p><p>“‘That’s a gift you give yourself, not to me,’ I know. You have no idea how many times I read your message. If I had any shame left I would be embarrassed,” Benji replied, leaning in closer, keeping his hand where it had been. “But… I’ve missed you, too.”</p><p>Victor glanced at the table where their hands lingered against one another, like imprints in the sand before the sea washes them away, like wisps of air on a freezing day. He didn’t want to disturb them. Any movement would shatter their peace.</p><p>“Do you want an explanation?” Victor asked, smiling despite himself, sipping his drink just to give him something to do with his other hand.</p><p>“I think you did a pretty good job explaining in your message,” Benji replied, feeling his heart softening with each sweet whisper from Victor’s lips. “And I appreciate you apologizing in person. But I’d like to explain myself. And an apology obviously isn’t the end.”</p><p>“True. But yeah, I’m happy to listen.”</p><p>“To be honest, I was struggling a lot with my… feelings of self-worth even before I went to England, and being long-distance definitely exacerbated that, and strained us both, as you know. But I feel like I put a lot on you to be the perfect boyfriend, because you were so good to me, that I started to do a lot of things I used to do because I was afraid of being alone,” Benji said, pausing before clearing his throat. He continued. “And I hated that about myself. I hated that I didn’t know what to do with myself or who I am on my own.”</p><p>Furrowing his brows, Victor frowned as he listened. Hearing the pain in Benji’s voice felt like an ice dagger in his own heart. Even though he’d thought about this scenario, hearing it in Benji’s own words made him feel sick.</p><p>“When I heard you were in the hospital in serious condition, I… lost my sense of direction. Even though I didn’t mean to, I saw you sorta as my compass, always guiding me to where I need to go. Always reassuring me. Taking care of me and making sure I was okay. Like obviously as partners we should be able to lean on each other but not to the point where being apart gives me such bad anxiety that I have to be on pills to even be somewhat functional,” Benji said, taking another pause to take a sip of his latte. “And honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself that I’m able to tell you all this without like, crying or not making eye contact.”</p><p>“I’m proud of you, too,” Victor couldn’t help but say, before he added, “even though, obviously, the only approval you need is from yourself. I get that.”</p><p>Benji gave Victor a small smile, biting his lip as he slipped his hand into Victor’s on the table. “I needed to come to terms with the fact that neither of us are perfect, and that’s okay. Otherwise I would just keep falling into the same pattern of hating myself for literally no reason and acting like a dog whose only purpose is to please its owner. And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve also been <em> terrible </em>at taking compliments. Because I couldn’t believe it when people had good things to say about me. It took me so long to even understand why you would want to date me in the first place.”</p><p>Furrowing his brows, Victor kissed the back of Benji’s hand. He knew he knew now that he couldn’t make Benji happy, but no one could if he didn’t do so himself. All he could do was love him. </p><p>“Sorry, I should have asked if that was okay… I mean, I got similar lessons out of therapy,” Victor admitted, squeezing Benji’s hand. “It’s hard to have good and healthy relationships when you don’t have models of that in your life. Like, if we do try this again, we really need to have a discussion on boundaries and expectations and such. I think that would be really useful.”</p><p>Chewing on his lip, Benji pulled his hand out of Victor’s grasp. “I… don’t know if I want us to try again. If we did, it would really just have to be over the summer break because I can’t handle long distance again. But… I don’t know how sustainable that is. Or we would just have to take a break for a few years but I don’t want to have to put you through that.”</p><p>Victor took a sip of his tea, hand shaking. “To be fair, a lot of the issues we had were caused by Derek and then of course how I reacted to him. If it weren’t for that… <em> incident, </em> we probably would have weathered things. But, I guess we could only ignore our separate issues for a limited time before shit hits the fan, and we would have encountered this problem farther down the road when it probably would have been harder to fix. Like, I’m happy I was basically forced to go to therapy.”</p><p>“Yeah, I think you’re right. And I’m glad we both got help,” Benji replied, tipping his head to the side as he examined Victor’s face. “I still need some time to think. But… thank you for coming out with me and listening to me. I wish I could give you a more direct answer but I still love you, Victor. I think I always will. And as much as it pissed me off and as much as I may have hated you for it, I’m glad you cut me off. I just wish you had given me the chance to tell my side of the story before you did it.”</p><p>Wiping the tear from the corner of his eye, Victor let out a shaky sigh. “I told you I would wait for you, and I will. I’ve already decided that. And I know this probably sounds like my crazy lovestruck brain talking, but I’m absolutely serious. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and this is the least impulsive thing I’ve ever decided in my life. So just know, Benji, that I love you, too. I’ve never been more certain of anything. And I can live without being with anyone so long as I know that you’re happy and alive.”</p><p>“That’s not healthy, Victor,” Benji said, the lone vanguard trickling from his eye, too. </p><p>“I know. And I may change my mind after going to therapy more, but for now, that’s how I feel. I want you to know how deeply I feel for you. Not to manipulate your feelings, but so you know. Because I want us to make up for lost time, if you’ll allow it,” Victor replied. “But what’s most important is just that we both try to be better for our own sakes, right?”</p><p>For a long moment, they simply gazed into each other’s eyes, saying nothing, allowing the tears to drip down their faces in silence. Benji sighed, his thoughts zigzagging as they sprinted through his synapses. He didn’t want to give in, but he also had never experienced such an expression of devotion before. Benji knew he had the freedom to get up and walk away. He could do that without regard for Victor’s feelings, to continue on his own path in life alone. But he didn’t want to. He knew he didn’t need Victor. But he wanted him in his life; that was for certain. Over the radio, a familiar song began to play. Finally, some good music...</p><p><em> Ego death is where you find happiness<br/></em> <em> Off too many drugs, they so bad for us<br/></em> <em> One too many drinks and you had enough </em></p><p><em> Gave you my all, that wouldn't make you stay<br/></em> <em> Murdered my ego when you walked away </em></p><p>(Your joy isn't tied to me)<br/><em> I let my ego down and then I rise back up<br/>I let my ego down and then I'll be stronger</em></p><p>“Just because we have a history also doesn’t mean you’re obligated. You’re never obligated,” Victor said, breaking Benji back to reality. “I’m not saying this just to say the right thing. Whatever you choose, I’ll accept it.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Benji’s lips curled into a smile. “I want you in my life, Victor. And I want to see you again. But I also want us to take things slow. We rushed into things the first time around.”</p><p>“True,” Victor replied with a small chuckle. “And I know it was my fault but not talking to you for so long made my life so… <em> boring </em>.” </p><p>“Yeah, things are just… not as fun without you, either. Whenever I wanted to talk about something I always wanted to talk to you, but I couldn’t and it sucked. Please don’t block me again. Not even as a joke.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, I won’t. I promise,” Victor replied earnestly, his eyes sparkling in the dim light of the coffee shop. Benji believed every word.</p><p>They sat together drinking and chatting cordially until the shop closed and they got kicked out by the staff who were trying to clean up. But Victor and Benji didn’t mind. The surrealness of their meeting still hung in the air between them. </p><p>Scratching the area of his arm by his elbow, where the scars from where he’d burned himself lay hidden beneath his sleeve, shrouded from the world, Benji glanced from his arm to Victor. The other man was still going to need to regain his trust, Benji realized. They weren’t at that level yet, and Benji wasn’t ready yet. It was a conversation for another time, Benji knew. And it gave him an excuse to see Victor more frequently, too.</p><p>“When are you free again?” Benji asked, finding himself wanting to stand closer to Victor but keeping a few feets’ distance from him.</p><p>“Let’s have our talk about boundaries next Wednesday evening? I don’t have work then,” Victor replied. “Do you wanna meet here?”</p><p>“Okay, that sounds good,” Benji said with a nod and a smile as he bit his lip. He wanted so badly for Victor to walk him home. </p><p>“Cool,” Victor murmured. He eyed Benji, lips falling open slightly as he searched the other’s face, eyes drifting down to Benji’s lips, remembering how soft they would feel against his own.</p><p>Benji’s eyes fluttered closed and he swallowed. He wanted so badly for Victor to tilt his head up and kiss him. </p><p>But he wasn’t ready yet. </p><p>Instead, he made himself open his eyes and look at Victor, gaze firm with conviction. “I’m glad we got to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”</p><p>“I would love that,” Victor said. “Goodnight, Benji.”</p><p>He couldn’t deny himself everything, Benji realized. He stepped forward, his body moving on impulse, wrapping his arms around Victor’s waist and burying his face in the taller man’s chest. Victor stood there, shock and adoration written upon his face with golden ink. Gently, he let his arms rest gently on Benji’s back. That was all.</p><p>They pulled apart after a bit too long. But when they did, Benji didn’t feel like he was coming down from a high. They parted peacefully, and Benji felt all right. When he waved goodnight to Victor and turned in the opposite direction to leave, he looked back, and saw Victor looking back at him, too. It was going to be okay; he just <em>knew</em>.</p><p>Allowing his heart to open just a bit as the warmth of hope flowed into him, he exhaled into the night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading and supporting as usual. I'm curious to hear ya'll's thoughts on this chapter because it's just the beginning of Venji reuniting and spending time together to try and rekindle things. It's not an easy or straight-forward process, as they both have a lot they need to sift through, but I hope this chapter was satisfying in the sense that there's hope for a bit of a clean slate. Benji is on a bit of a tour and trying to learn to let people in so I'm excited so see how ya'll take to that process. And keep in mind as well that this is a process, not something that happens overnight; they need to learn to trust each other again, but they are trying their best. Things will be okay. Anyway, looking forward to hearing your reflections on this and if ya'll are satisfied or were expecting more, etc. 1 comment = 1 Venji talking and having a nice time. See you next week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Intermodulation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>(tw self harm/suicide discussion, I may as well have a blanket tw til the end of the story)</p><p>Soledad comes to visit; the Atlanta gang spends time together. </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(tw self harm/suicide discussion, I may as well have a blanket tw til the end of the story, in case you didn't see the summary)</p><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment of this story. Hope things are going well for you and you're having a good time reading. According to feedback from last week's chapter, ya'll were really feeling it, so I'm happy to hear that. I wanted to say thank you once again for taking the time to read and comment and support this story, I appreciate ya'll. Your support and feedback keeps me going. This chapter was a good time for me to write as well because we get to see more of the development of the Venji relationship as they try to rekindle things and learn to trust again. I'm curious how ya'll will take this and if ya'll will understand the motivations for our heroes' actions... (Protags would probably be more correct but heck it, they're the heroes of their story). Anyway, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Benji had been counting down the days when Soledad would finally come and visit from London. She arrived at the beginning of July, and Benji’s family welcomed her with open arms into their home for the next two weeks. It was exciting to have her there so Benji could show her where he grew up and he saw this as the opportunity to combine his new and old lives into one amalgamation of familiarity. Despite Benji being in his own hometown, something about being back felt off. In the months he’d been away, he felt he had grown so much that returning was like putting a wild bird back into its cage and clipping its wings. He couldn’t wait to be back in London, and having Soledad there was a welcome presence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They spent the first few days of Soledad’s visit exploring the sights of Atlanta and doing the touristy things -- visiting the Civil Rights Museum and the various monuments devoted to the Civil Rights Movement, including the mural devoted to Martin Luther King, Jr.; the history of the city came alive in those moments, and the art devoted to Black history and liberation permeated the very air and the pavement beneath their feet. Soledad was interested in the subject matter, but also enjoyed the trips to the aquarium and the parks, as Atlanta had quite a lot of green space, similarly to London. Even though Benji didn’t often go into the Downtown and Midtown areas since Creekwood was in the periphery of the city, it was good to have an excuse to go to the city so long as they stayed out of the sun, which was easier said than done. The buildings were massive enough to obstruct the sun, but they still didn’t do the job well enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feeling a bit out of place as well due to his fashion choices, Benji tried not to let the confused looks bother him. He wouldn’t admit aloud that he was sweating in his dark long-sleeved shirt, but he didn’t want to risk seeing someone he might know out in public and get questions about his scars. Luckily, Benji had confided in Soledad for the fact that he had self-harmed, but she had been the only friend he had told. No one else knew; he wanted to keep it that way. And if that meant someone was going to ask him why he was so overdressed, then he would just need to deal with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soledad and Benji had been walking by Grant Park in the middle of the afternoon, the sun baking the streets and cooking anything that came in contact with it like a stovetop. His phone dinged, and Benji stopped them in their stride, plucking his phone from his pocket and glancing at the notification. It was Mia.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey Benji, I heard your friend Soledad is here. Would you both be interested in a little impromptu camping trip out into the mountains this weekend? We could all get to know each other and catch up. I’ll pick you up tonight 🥰”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji pursed his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y’ever been camping before?” he asked Soledad, who was sipping on a peach smoothie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you be interested in going with my friends and I this weekend in the mountains out east of here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That would be brilliant, babes” Soledad replied with a grin. “What should I bring? And who’s coming along? I wanna make a good impression.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, that’s a good question… Well, Mia, definitely, and then probably her boyfriend Andrew…” Benji said as he typed a quick message to Mia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moment later, his phone </span>
  <em>
    <span>ding</span>
  </em>
  <span>ed again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so it’ll be them, Lake, Felix, and… Victor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soledad frowned. “I know you two aren’t on bad terms anymore but… are you sure you’re ready for that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t really have a choice at this point so this may as well just happen,” Benji replied with a shrug, sending a message to Mia to confirm their attendance and to ask for details on the location. “You wouldn’t happen to know of some heavy-duty waterproof concealer, would you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rolling her eyes, Soledad dragged Benji over to the closest drug store by the wrist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they finished their shopping spree, procuring some concealer for Benji so he could finally be at ease (and he kicked himself mentally for not coming up with this idea sooner because it would have been so much more comfortable to not have to wear long sleeves in the middle of the muggy Georgia summer), they returned to Benji’s house in Creekwood, scrambling to pack their bags. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mia and Andrew had agreed to pick Benji and Soledad up and take them to Mia’s dad’s cabin in the mountains, which they kept for special occasions such as these. Meanwhile, Victor would drive Lake and Felix, and they would all meet in the designated location. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drove through the countryside between Atlanta and the mountains, leaving the skyscraping steel cage of the city behind them as they moved farther and farther into the wilderness. Soledad had never been this far away from a city before, where the only light visible was from the stars and the occasional telephone pole along the highway. She marveled while staring out the window, frowning when she realized that she was not going to be connecting to the internet anytime soon. A tear slipped down her face as she realized how disconnected she would be from the outside world as they disappeared into the rugged, foggy mountains. Benji couldn’t help but chuckle at her theatrics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the road began to narrow and snake up the sides of the cliffs with only rocks to pave it, Soledad tilted her head to the side, admiring the view that stretched out before them. Soon they entered a wooded area with no lights, where a clearing with a lone building stood, a sentinel in the dark. Once they entered the vicinity, the lights that had been planted into the ground around the perimeter sprung to life, illuminating the area and casting an eerie glow on the stacked logs that had built the outside of the cabin, its sturdy frame fortified against any external threats. They hopped out of the car, feet crunching on the dried out leaves that populated the forest’s floor, and Mia opened the door to let them all in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they entered, Mia coughed, waving her hand through the air as she turned on the lights. The dust within stirred, sticking to the inside of their throats. Mia trekked across the hardwood floors through the den, opening the netted windows to let in some air. The dank stillness smelled of old flesh and hair and wet wood that made Mia wrinkle her nose. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji took his bag from the car and threw it over his shoulder, entering the familiar building and sighing. He felt his heart strain in his chest as he thought about the last time he had been there with Victor, the two of them sitting before the roaring fire wrapped in blankets, skin stuck to skin as they huddled for warmth. Sighing, he kicked off his shoes and padded through to one of the empty rooms to deposit his things, his bare feet gluing themselves to the unpolished floor. He motioned for Soledad to follow him to the room, which was at the back of the cabin, behind the kitchen that sat at the center-left area, just beyond the foyer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He plopped back against the massive king-sized bed for a moment before rising to throw open the window, staring out the window as he listened to the sounds of toads and cicadas chirping in harmony. Luckily, he’d been able to change and cover his scars, and no one was the wiser. Closing his eyes, he stood like that for a moment before Soledad falling back onto the bed startled him from his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think you’ll be able to handle this, babes?” she asked him, eyes narrowing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna have to be able to,” Benji replied, returning to the bed and sitting beside her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop saying that,” Soledad scolded him, getting up to turn on the lights, watching as moths circled around it as if they had spontaneously generated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘I’m gonna have to be able to’. Didn’t your therapist tell you that’s a stupid ass response?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, it’s true, isn’t it? I have to deal with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But that’s not what I was asking. I was asking about how </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>are feeling about this, whether you think you’ll actually be okay with it. Dealing with and being okay with something isn’t the same thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Running a hand through his hair, Benji eyed her, clenching his jaw. He was still getting used to this whole ‘being fully honest and saying everything that’s on his mind’ thing. The years of putting on a filter, tiptoeing around the feelings of others, had made it second nature. She was right when she told him to cut that out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. I don’t know if I can deal with it… Like, he and I met a few weeks ago and talked, and we’ve talked a bit on the phone since then, too, and it’s really nice, but… the last time he and I were here, we were together and we basically spent the whole time here alternating between fucking and talking. It was really… romantic. So when Mia asked if I wanted to come, I think part of me just instinctively reacted. I feel like I’m expecting something to happen but… it’s way too early in the game for that. I still don’t fully trust him and I haven’t forgiven him yet, either,” Benji explained, lying down beside her on the bed and propping himself up on his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gay boys are so hopeless,” Soledad said, clicking her tongue. She lay down, mirroring Benji and poking him in the forehead. “What did you think was gonna happen? Did you wanna fuck him again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No!” Benji said, swatting her hand away. “I mean, yes. Just… not anytime soon, obviously. I haven’t even told him I have scars all over me from burning myself with cigarettes because he confused the hell out of me when he sent me that email. How the hell do you just… tell someone that? It’s too complicated. Also, the shitty thing about being on antidepressants is that I don’t even know if I can get hard, it’s kind of embarrassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Girl, you and me both when it comes to the ‘dick not working properly’ problems… But why can’t you tell him just like that? It was his fault, after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, maybe he contributed but he wasn’t the one holding the cigarettes. I did it to myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but he was the one who dumped you and was messing with your head,” Soledad retorted, raising an eyebrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji covered his face in his hand. “The whole thing here is that I need to take responsibility for my own behaviors and emotional reactions, right? He may had done some… questionable things but he apologized and he’s trying to be better. But anyway, I’m done arguing with you about this. I appreciate that you’re looking out for me but I need to handle this myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soledad shrugged, sitting back up. “Okay, I respect that. I just don’t want you getting hurt because of this fuckboy again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuckling, Benji eyed her. “Thank you for looking out for me, but I know what I’m doing. And if I mess it up, it’s on me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening her mouth to retort, Soledad froze when the front door burst open as Victor, Felix and Lake entered, surveying the cabin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ooo, can’t wait for us all to get murdered in our sleep,” Lake said as she flew through the interior to the only remaining free room and tossed her things aside before running to the room next to hers to give Mia a sweaty hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Immediately, the formerly quiet house became full of life and chatter and laughter. Andrew returned from outside, entering from the fenced-in backyard where he had started a campfire in the fire pit, as the air quickly began to smell of smoke and burning wood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, you’ll be the first one we sacrifice when a serial killer shows up,” Andrew said with a grin as he shut the door behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rising from the bed, Benji made his way from the room to den, greeting the new arrivals and introducing Soledad to those who hadn’t met her, which at this point was only Felix and Lake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as Lake referenced her love for celebrity gossip, Soledad made it her business to pick her brain as much as she could. The two women retreated outside to sit by the fire, soon joined by Mia. Their laughter filtered through the warm night air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor hung back, examining the rooms which had, for the most part, been claimed by couples. He grimaced as he placed his bag down on the couch. Suddenly, he felt out of place within the modest and cozy abode. Felix and Andrew greeted him, inviting him outside before disappearing to join their girlfriends by the fire. And so Benji and Victor were left alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji strode over to the den, where Victor awkwardly rummaged through his things as he stared at the fireplace, overwhelmed with memories. Those same memories played in Benji’s mind’s eye, becoming more pronounced and sharper with each step he took. He knew those were all simply wisps of the past, a snap in time that, once gone, surrendered to the tumult of Cronos, eaten like his young. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pursing his lips as he thought, Benji weighed his options. They had discussed physical boundaries, coming to the conclusion that they would keep things mostly platonic, with the limits on affection as occasional hand-holding and hugging. Benji didn’t see how sleeping in the same bed wouldn’t be platonic, and while he knew Victor was trying, he still didn’t fully trust him. If he had to build a barrier of pillows between them, he would. But there was something pitiful about Victor being there on his own, shoulders sagging and hunched over like a kitten that had been shoved away from its mother’s teat by its more voracious siblings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Victor,” Benji said softly, leaning against the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jumping, Victor clutched at his chest, heart racing. “Hey. Jesus, Benji, you scared me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My bad,” Benji said with a small smile. “Look, I still gotta ask Soledad, but I wouldn’t be opposed to you sleeping in our bed. I mean, it’s massive, and it’ll be loads more comfortable than sleeping on the couch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” He asked. Tipping his head to the side, Victor studied Benji’s face. His lips held the ghost of a smile as he remembered. “I’m getting deja vu.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While he wanted to bring up their shared time there, he also didn’t think it would be appropriate at this stage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me, too. But this time, kissing is a hard limit. Although technically, it was a hard limit back then, too. You were just too horny,” Benji replied, shaking his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll behave. And I know Soledad would strangle me, anyway if I even </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought </span>
  </em>
  <span>about anything else. But I just want to show you that you can trust me again,” Victor said, holding up his hand. “Scout’s honor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, good. I wanna be able to trust you again, too. And that means no cuddling, either. Got it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yessir. As long as you’re absolutely positive.” Victor nodded, picking up his bag. He stared at Benji, eyes wide.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’m sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji watched Victor’s back as he went to bring his things into the room he and Soledad had chosen, eyes trailing across the muscled shoulders that lay exposed by the other man’s tank top, then down his back, head unconsciously tipping to the side as he examined the curve of his ass in his tight shorts. That would normally be enough to get him in the mood, but all Benji got was frustration for more than one reason. It didn’t help that he hadn’t had sex in over half a year, and it was starting to take a toll.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was glad about that, too, because while he knew that setting boundaries and limits would be beneficial to him in the long-run, he was also becoming more aware of the behaviors he’d given into too easily before. The clarity and structure put his mind at ease. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Victor returned to the den, eyeing Benji in a way he couldn’t quite read, Benji found himself returning the gaze, as if challenging Victor. The taller man stood just at the edge of his boundary of personal space, which had shrunk significantly since he’d moved to London, the expectation of more space a rare commodity in a city of thirteen million plus. They stood there staring at each other for a moment, wordlessly, Victor’s eyes raking down Benji’s face to his lips, lingering for a moment before returning to where they had started as he grinned. Benji couldn’t stop his lip from curling up, too, and all they could do was stand there smiling at each other like a pair of fools, but they didn’t mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you two idiots doing?” Lake’s voice cut through the air, snapping them back into the cabin from the plane the two of them alone had inhabited a moment before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just figuring out sleeping arrangements,” Victor said quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, don’t decide for too long or you’ll miss out on the s’mores,” Lake responded, rummaging through one of the baskets on the kitchen table and withdrawing the marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers she had packed for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor’s eyes lit up as soon as Lake said the word ‘s’mores’ and he balled his fist with a quiet “yessss” under his breath as he followed her to the campfire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right out, lemme just grab my guitar,” Benji replied, running over to his room and then sliding into his shoes before going out into the yard to be with his friends, waving as he approached.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip as he saw the open space beside Victor on the bench, with Soledad and Lake settled on the bench next to them, Mia opposite on her own seat, and Andrew and Felix on the bench across from Soledad and Lake. Benji glanced up at the starry sky with a smirk as if to ask, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Seriously?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>of the universe. He was a bit disappointed when it didn’t respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sidling down beside Victor and leaving a few inches between them, Benji set his guitar down as Felix offered him one of the sticks he had found and shaved so that it was pointed on one end. Mia scolded them for looking for sticks when they had perfectly good ones designed specifically for roasting marshmallows, but in typical Felix style, it had to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>whimsical</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They chatted to each other with their marshmallows perched above the tongues of fire from the pit. Victor was trying his best not to shove the marshmallows into the flames like he normally would, but somehow his still managed to light up, earning a chuckle from Benji. Removing the marshmallows from the fire and blowing them out, Victor cringed at their charred black appearance. He could never get the hang of the proper technique for making s’mores, but still happily ate his after he assembled it, burnt marshmallow and all, the chocolate mixing with the oozing marshmallow filling and dripping down his chin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes, Benji instinctively reached out to wipe Victor’s face with his thumb, earning a stare and a raised eyebrow from the other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Friends can wipe each other’s faces when they get s’mores all over themselves,” Benji retorted, glad that the darkness hid the pinkness that spread across his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you say so,” Victor replied with a wide grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when Benji bit into his s’more and the inevitable marshmallow explosion occurred, Victor offered him a napkin, motioning to his own chin to illustrate his point and saying: “You got a lil’ somethin’ right… </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wiping his face as he glanced at Victor through the corner of his eye, Benji noted the faint shadow of a smirk resting on the other’s lips. He seemed pleased with the fact that Benji was setting the pace, not seeming to be in any rush. This reaction took the pressure off Benji’s back; he was thankful for that, and honestly, a bit startled by Victor’s patience and restraint. The sensation of waiting that Benji was used to feeling had vanished into thin air and hadn’t returned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Benji finished eating his s’more, he cleaned his hands and picked up his guitar to take requests for some songs. Soledad suggested “Bohemian Rhapsody” and led them in a rendition, her low contralto echoing through the forest, overshadowing the voices of her new friends, who were still having fun nonetheless. Benji was the only one aside from Soledad who could carry a tune and save the harmony a bit. They broke into a fit of laughter as they finished the song, before Felix asked if he could try his hand at playing “Wonderwall”, much to everyone’s dismay, but Benji allowed it with a chuckle. He had to admit that Felix </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>terrible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time they finished their sing-along around the fire, all that was left was a small pile of charred kindling with tiny orange and red ribbons that occasionally showed themselves from below, like fingers clawing from within the mantle. They had lost track of time, high on the smell of smoke and summer. A lull fell across them soon enough, and upon checking her phone for the time, Mia gasped. It was after 3 AM. She wasn’t superstitious, but she did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to be out there at that hour just in case something that should have stayed dead decided to show up. Leaving the fire to put itself out, she ushered them all inside. There were still two days left for them to catch up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yawning, Benji shuffled into the room he and Soledad were meant to share, pausing in the doorway as she bumped into him face-first with a soft, half-asleep “ow”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, is it okay if Victor shares the bed with us? I kinda… suggested it before but forgot to ask you,” Benji said, scratching the back of his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soledad narrowed her eyes, glancing past him to see Victor leaning against the couch, eyes drooping, as he examined his phone. Chewing on her lip, Soledad returned her gaze to Benji with a sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still pissed at him,” she said, lowering her voice. “You sure you’re not moving too fast?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I know you’re still pissed at him, and I’m still kinda in the process of building trust up again, but… he’s definitely trying. And we won’t do anything. I told you that the boundary is no physical stuff beyond like, hand holding and hugging. It’s like we’re in middle school,” Benji replied, turning on the lights in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding, Soledad let her eyes fall closed. “Fine. But if you two do </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> else… I swear to god I will--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Strangle him, I know. You say that every time he comes up,” Benji mused, stepping out of the doorway so Soledad could enter. “But please don’t, I really </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> love him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rolling her eyes, Soledad shut the door behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor looked up from his phone, sliding it into his pocket as Benji approached. “So Soledad is cool with you sharing the bed with us. We’ve already been over what not to do and all that, but if you want me to reiterate…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I remember,” Victor said with a soft smile, covering his mouth with the back of his hand as he yawned. “Oh wait. What’s the rule for sleepwear? You know I don’t wear a lot to bed in the summer…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji bit his lip, eyes wide. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. But he knew that if he woke up to Victor shirtless beside him, he would probably lose his mind. He swallowed. “I mean, I can’t tell you what to wear but… I’ll probably just wear a tank top unless it gets really hot at night… But also, I wanna be honest, it’s gonna be hard for me to stick to the boundaries with you so close to me in a state of undress… Not to slut-shame you, of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuckling, Victor knocked Benji in the shoulder playfully. “Don’t worry, I get it. I’m actually glad you suggested us like, not being completely butt-ass naked. That would have been hella rude.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clapping his palm against his forehead as he laughed, Benji led them to the room, knocking on the door and awaiting the response from Soledad before opening it and entering. Soledad had already gotten into her pajamas and was in the process of wrapping her hair for the night. She gave Victor a curt nod as he stumbled in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they prepared for bed, Victor and Benji faced away from each other as they changed, and Soledad silently shook her head at them. She’d never understood men and probably never would. </span>
  <em>
    <span>These stupid-ass children…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When they were ready, both clad in their tank tops and underwear, thankful for the cool breeze that wafted in through the window, Benji took one of his valium pills before he plopped down in the middle of the bed, leaving room for Victor beside him. Victor shut off the lights, knocking into the side of the bed hard and dropping a loud “</span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck” </span>
  </em>
  <span>as he tried to make his way over to the other side of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lowered himself slowly onto the mattress, fumbling as he slid under the thin sheet. Luckily the bed was large enough that he didn’t have to worry about rolling off the side and onto the hardwood floor. He patted Benji’s side of the bed, ensuring there was enough space between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do ya’ll have enough room?” Victor asked, inching just a bit closer to Benji in the dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” Benji and Soledad replied in unison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They lay there in silence, and Victor found himself unable to drift off as he lay on his side, his eyes wide open and staring straight ahead in Benji’s direction. He shifted in his spot, straightening his legs a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” came a whisper from beside him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm? What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t sleep. Meds didn’t work yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor clicked his tongue. “Anything I can do to help?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause, and Victor could hear the hesitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Can we hold hands?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting his lip as he smiled, Victor held out his hand, letting it rest on the sheets before him. Benji did the same, feeling around, hand traversing the rippled terrain of the mattress before connecting with Victor’s. He intertwined their fingers, knowing that even if their wrists started hurting after a few minutes, it would have all been worth it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you two serious right now?!” Soledad groaned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re literally just holding hands, please calm down,” Victor replied with a sigh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chuckling, Benji closed his eyes, waiting for his drugs to finally kick in. Victor felt himself relax, the warm weight of Benji’s soft yet calloused hands against his own reminding him that Benji was real, he was whole, and he was human. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By some miracle, they stayed like that until the morning, when the sun kissed their cheeks because they couldn’t yet do so themselves. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What did ya'll think of this chapter? I'm curious to hear your thoughts. As usual I love writing Soledad and Benji's friendship, they're so cute. It's also interesting to write the trajectory of Venji with them taking things slow and healing and learning to trust and such. As much as I would love for them to just jump back into the relationship they need time to get through things together and on their own. But I will say I'm proud of Benji and how far he's come, and I know Vic has some ways to go himself, but things will be good for them in the end. They are going to continue to talk and work things out. Anyway, 1 comment = 1 healthy conversation for Venji!! See you in the next installment! :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Revolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji share what's on their minds; Victor contemplates his future.</p><p>I've added another song to the playlist for this fic because I listened to it so many times while writing that now all I can think of is the scene in question whenever I listen to it. </p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, welcome back to another installment of this fic. Aside from the next chapter, I have an update I wanted to share: I put together a list of mental health resources, mostly general info but including some more specific info especially surrounding things like self harm and addiction, just in case you or others you know may be going through some similar experiences, or if you just want to learn more. I know these issues are kinda at the forefront of the story and they're serious, and part of my intention with writing this story is to not only bring awareness to these issues but also help people, so if I can help just one person, that means I've done my job. But I wanted to shout out lw531 for suggesting the idea of compiling resources, as well as sunsetvenji for providing me with her professional mental health expertise and helping me compile these resources. I hope they'll be useful. The link to the Google Doc will be in the end note. Thank you and hope you enjoy this next chapter...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor hummed, letting his head fall back into the water behind him as he floated on his back, allowing the rays of sunlight to cascade across his face, the warmth pleasant and soothing. Benji watched him from a few feet away, the water beside him rippling as a dragonfly hopped across the otherwise still water of the lake. Soledad swam by, kicking up some water in Victor’s direction and muttering a small “oops, sorry” as she retreated; Victor didn’t seem to have noticed, his body still, with the only sign of life coming from the slow rise and fall of his chest above the water.</p><p>Benji moved a bit closer, pausing to quickly examine his arms, feelings self conscious at being exposed; he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the concealer he had bought was still holding up. He glanced at Victor, who lay there, oblivious, as if he had fallen asleep. Eyes softening, Benji allowed himself to look for the moment, Victor’s lily-pad of a frame inducing envy; he wished he could be that relaxed. He swam away again, lying back in the water to mirror Victor, the tension in his body sloughing away progressively and drowning with his worries. Opening one eye and glancing to the side, Benji grinned. They drifted beside each other like that for some time, two lotuses blooming in the sun.</p><p>Growing bored after a while, Benji pulled himself out of the water and onto the shore, shaking out his hair, droplets flying about. He wrapped himself in a towel and put on his shades before checking the time on his phone. It was already after one, but they had eaten breakfast not long ago so they probably wouldn’t be having lunch anytime soon. Sighing, Benji stared off into the distance, watching the trees sway in the wind. The sound of splashing returned him to the present as Victor rose from the water, his form dripping. Benji was thankful he was wearing sunglasses so his stare wouldn’t be so obvious, but he looked away regardless. Victor grabbed a towel and wrapped it around himself, too, plopping down beside Benji on the blanket he had laid out before. Benji eyed the scar on Victor’s leg from where he had broken it but said nothing.</p><p>“Do you know where everyone else went?” Victor asked, breaking the silence, as he shielded his face with his hand.</p><p>“They said they wanted to go for a hike, and Soledad went to swim a bit on her own,” Benji replied, leaning back on one hand and running his other through his sopping hair, his towel falling open and exposing more of his chest.</p><p>Victor nodded, glancing at him quickly before turning his gaze to the trees. “So we’re alone.”</p><p>“So it seems.”</p><p>“Remember when we came up here for New Years?” Victor reminisced, looking back to Benji, who looked down at his hands, fiddling with them, before looking at Victor’s face, the face he couldn’t get out of his mind.</p><p>“How could I forget?” Benji replied, voice soft. “Sometimes, I wish we could go back to how things used to be. But I think… I’ve learned too much to want that again.”</p><p>“In what sense?”</p><p>“I feel like I see you for you and not for the idea of what you represent. And I know that’s normal at the beginning of a relationship, but not when it drags on. It gets exhausting to hold onto that. To be… addicted to someone.”</p><p>“Mmm… I see,” Victor acknowledged. He resisted the urge to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Benji’s ear. </p><p>They sat like that for a moment, hands an inch apart on the blanket, not feeling the need to speak or move. Victor broke the silence again.</p><p>“So I have a bit of a… personal question,” Victor ventured, tilting his head to the side.</p><p>“What about?”</p><p>“How did you know you wanted to make music your life? I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with myself lately because I still have no idea what I want to do as like, a career. Basketball’s out of the question since I’m not getting my scholarship renewed next year, and I probably won’t be able to go back to Georgia State because of their shit financial aid,” Victor explained. “Plus, I don’t wanna go to law school. Also, I suck at math so I can’t like, do science or anything like that. So… I don’t know what to do. Like, I could go to community college, but... I’ve been wanting a change of scenery lately.”</p><p>Benji chewed on his lip, deep in thought, not wanting to rush an answer.</p><p>“I guess for me it wasn’t really a conscious choice, it was more something I just gravitated to naturally because I’ve been into music since I had the dexterity to hold something in my hands,” Benji continued his thoughts aloud. “It’s easier to study that because there are actually schools and programs for this sort of thing but sports are a bit harder since you can’t like, major in basketball or anything like that, right? But even still like… it’s probably a privileged mindset but I don’t see it as something I’m doing to help me get a job but rather as a way for me to improve myself as an artist and to improve my craft, if that makes sense.”</p><p>“No, I get that. It makes a lot of sense, actually.”</p><p>“Then I guess the question is… how do you want to make yourself useful? What do you want to contribute? For me it’s, as I said, to become better at making music, but also to be able to create something beautiful and to help others do the same. It’s basically learning how to improve, use and apply what I’m already good at, instead of forcing myself into something just because it might offer a paycheck or a chance at success on the individual level. ”</p><p>To improve the self and to help others… Victor hadn’t thought of framing things in that way. But he liked that philosophy, and realized he was going about answering the question in all the wrong ways. </p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking with the whole law school thing. I’m not cut out to be a lawyer. Like, it’s prestigious and everything but… I think the whole thing with Derek has put me off the whole thing. I don’t like the prospect of having to defend shitty people,” Victor said bitterly, letting himself recline on his elbows.</p><p>Gritting his teeth, Benji shook his head. “I’m glad he let you off the hook. You know he found me when I was in London? It was fucking terrifying.”</p><p>Victor swallowed. “He <em> what </em> ? That’s why they dismissed my case? <em> Motherfucker </em>…”</p><p>“He finally left me alone, thankfully. So we don’t need to worry about him anymore. Also, he didn’t do anything to me, just so you know.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m glad he didn’t do anything. I mean, I wouldn’t do anything about it. New Victor is a law-abiding citizen,” Victor said with a weak smile. “Well, for the most part. I just won’t be getting into any fights. And Derek has amnesia so...”</p><p>“That makes so much sense now, no wonder he seemed so confused,” Benji replied with a soft chuckle, moving his hand over a bit so their fingers brushed against each other. </p><p>“Actually, speaking of… creepy behavior… I wanted to tell you something, since we’re being honest here,” Victor said, furrowing his eyebrows. “The day you came back from London, I really wanted to see you and so I kinda… walked to your house and saw you on your porch, but basically at the last minute I was like ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ and I went back home. I know there’s no excuse but I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry for that, it was creepy as fuck. I should have just left you alone.”</p><p>Benji stared at him through his shades, mouth slack. He took his sunglasses off, resting them on top of his head, not removing his gaze from Victor’s face. Taking a shaky breath, he blinked, trying not to look away.</p><p>“I… don’t know what to say,” Benji murmured, pulling his hand back toward himself. “Y’know, I was beginning to trust you again, Victor. But I… really don’t like that you did that when I deliberately asked you for space.”</p><p>“Look, again, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t care if you’re sorry. I just want you to do better. That’s all.”</p><p>Closing his eyes, Victor nodded. “You’re right. It’s stupid of me to just expect you to take it. I can’t just keep doing shit and saying sorry and hoping you’ll forgive me.”</p><p>“Exactly. And for the record, I <em> almost </em> started trusting you properly again. I was <em> this </em> close a few minutes ago but you kinda fucked it up.”</p><p>“How long will you hold this over my head?” Victor asked quietly, studying Benji. “I’m trying here. And I won’t do anything like that again. I’ve acknowledged that I’ve hurt you and I’m trying to make amends. But if we want this to go anywhere, it can’t be that one of us has power over the other, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, but asking you to respect my boundaries isn’t me having power over you.”</p><p>“That’s true,” Victor conceded with a slow nod. “And I know it’s my own fault we’re in this situation, but I want us to be able to move forward. Not in the sense of me wanting to evade responsibility, but because I want to show that you can trust me. That was why I told you that. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, and I want you to see the shitty choices I’ve made.”</p><p>“Thank you. While we’re at it, I may as well tell you that… the night you broke up with me, I slept with Ish.”</p><p>It was Victor’s turn to stare at Benji with wide eyes as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He suddenly became very aware of the sounds of birds chirping and frogs croaking in their vicinity. That revelation shouldn’t have been so hurtful, but Victor found himself blinking back tears. “I know I have no right to be upset but… what the <em> hell </em> , Benji?! Don’t tell me you <em> cheated </em>on me, too.”</p><p>“What-- <em> No! </em> I would <em> never </em> do that,” Benji replied, tears dripping down his face like two burning rivers of lava, his voice breaking. “Vic… I <em> love </em> you. And when you dumped me, I wanted-- no, <em> needed </em> someone to be there with me. I didn’t know where to direct my pain, and I didn’t know how to take care of myself. <em> Please </em> believe me when I say that I would <em> never </em>cheat on you. Ever.”</p><p>Victor sighed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Thank you for telling me, though. I shouldn’t accuse you of those types of things but… I guess knowing that is the price I pay for what I did to you.”</p><p>Jaw tensing, Benji continued. “It… wasn’t just one time, either. I won’t go into all the details but… he was there for me until I ended things because I realized I was fucking myself over. I was smoking so much that I did that instead of eating. I got addicted to pills. And I… started self-harming. I couldn’t stand that feeling that I was waiting for nothing. So I started burning myself with cigarettes. Because it felt good.”</p><p>“Benji I’m sor--”</p><p>“<em>No. </em>Please don’t blame yourself for that. I did that to myself because I didn’t know how to cope. It wasn’t something another person could fix. But I can’t show you the scars yet. I’m still… ashamed.”</p><p>His gaze softening, Victor turned to Benji, refusing to flinch away from the other’s eyes on him. Benji bit his quivering lip, wiping his tears again. Victor wanted so badly to kiss him and tell him that everything would be all right. But they weren’t there yet.</p><p>“Is it okay if I hug you?” Victor asked, voice just above a whisper.</p><p>Instead of responding, Benji sidled closer to Victor on the blanket, wrapping his arms around the taller man’s middle and pulling him close. Victor wrapped his arms around Benji’s back, burying his face in the other’s neck and exhaling. They stayed like that for a long while, skin pressed against familiar skin, before reluctantly separating.</p><p>“I needed that,” Benji admitted with a sniffle.</p><p>“Me, too,” Victor said with a small smile. “Thank you for trusting me. I feel like we made a little bit of progress today. But also like… I feel terrible that you had to go through all that. I wish I had been there to support you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I wish you had been there, too,” Benji replied, but there was no malice in his voice. “All I ask is that you support me now.”</p><p>“Of course,” Victor breathed. </p><p>They sat hip to hip, gazing out over the water once again in silence, stealing glances out of the corners of their eyes, forgetting that there was a world outside of just the two of them, until a familiar voice reminded them again.</p><p>“Oi!” Soledad called, stomping over to them, water dripping everywhere. “Have you two been here the whole time? I’ve been looking for you everywhere. We should head back to the cabin for lunch.”</p><p>Benji and Victor groaned at the prospect of getting up, their moment ruined, but they did anyway, gathering their things and packing it all up. They returned to the cabin to see their friends preparing some food for the grill. </p><p>With all of them congregating around the fire again, Victor and Benji sat together on the same bench, this time with their thighs pressed against the other’s. Benji was still trying to be fully honest instead of telling half-truths, and Victor appreciated the fact that he was saying what was on his mind. It was encouraging because Victor finally knew about the idiosyncrasies in Benji’s head, and vice versa, <em> and </em>Victor felt more compelled to share, too, without worrying about hurting Benji’s feelings. Once they had gotten everything out of the way, it was easier to begin with a clean slate and no more secrets, liberated from the weight and constraints of their bindings. Their only limits now were their own personal boundaries and expectations, which they had discussed at length, and which were subject to revision and then communicated clearly to the other. </p><p>Victor found himself lost in thought, Benji’s presence beside him a welcome one, his calm evenness anchoring him to the moment, reminding him that he wasn’t alone. He hadn’t been very talkative lately, his mind occupied with Benji’s words from before. While Benji’s admissions had been startling, he would need to make peace with them. Benji may not have cheated on him but… He refused to finish that sentence. The jealous, possessive boyfriend look wasn’t cute, and so he shook his head to stop that line of thought in its tracks.</p><p>What was more important for Victor was deciding what he wanted to do in the future. The question of how he wanted to make himself useful was one he needed to think on intensely, weighing his strengths and skills. Withdrawing his phone, Victor penned a quick message to Simon.</p><p>
  <em> “Dear Simon, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hope you’re well. I realize I haven’t written to you in a while, but that’s because a lot has happened and I’ve been trying to take care of things myself and through going to therapy. It’s hard to say if it’s helping much but I guess I feel a bit calmer and more willing to communicate openly, which isn’t a bad thing.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I was wondering if you could give me some career advice. It’s hard to talk about these things with my parents because they have their set ideas on what I should do to advance in life, and it doesn’t always lead to productive conversation. I don’t know what to do, and it’s hard to decide where to start.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Law isn’t really working out for me after all. I don’t see that being my path. But I also won’t be returning to school because I lost my basketball scholarship. And I’ve been wanting a change of pace and a change of scenery. Would it be stupid of me to want to go to London and run away from my problems? It seemed to have worked out well for Benji (yeah, we’re talking again). He mentioned doing something where I could do to make myself useful, and I’m trying to figure out what that means for me. </em>
</p><p><em> Love,<br/></em> <em> Victor” </em></p><p>Pocketing his phone, Victor glanced to Benji, who had been watching him write. </p><p>“Let me guess… you’re writing to Simon to ask him for career advice,” Benji whispered into Victor’s ear.</p><p>“It’s like you read my mind...” Victor whispered back, his hot breath tickling Benji’s ear. Benji shivered at their proximity, the sensation overwhelming. </p><p>“I mean, you have a tendency to do that. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s better than shouldering everything on your own,” Benji said with a small smile, brushing shoulders with Victor. </p><p>“Definitely true. If I hear someone call me their rock again, I swear to god...” Victor replied, shaking his head dramatically. “But thanks for chatting with me before. Your advice was actually helpful. And I’m glad we were able to get things out into the open.”</p><p>“Don’t mention it, I’m glad I could help. It can definitely be a struggle to decide these sorts of things because we <em> are </em> still pretty young. The expectation that we should know what we want to do for the rest of our lives isn’t realistic for most of us. I hope you can figure something out soon, though, so you can relax.”</p><p>Victor nodded, giving Benji a small, crooked smile. </p><p>Their friends looked on as Victor and Benji interacted naturally, their movements and discussions effortless, focusing only on each other and forgetting their home planet. Victor kept his hands to himself, not even reacting when Benji let his head fall gently against Victor’s shoulder, the soft cascade of his hair tickling Victor’s arm. Mia stared, then turned to Lake, who turned back to Mia and Soledad. Mia muttered something to Soledad, earning a chuckle and a smack on the arm. Benji frowned, following their eyes as they shamelessly whispered behind their hands and under their breaths about Benji and Victor, even recruiting Felix and Andrew to join in on their gossip.. He’d been the subject of too many discussions to enjoy that sort of behavior. </p><p>Soon the rest of the day passed without problems or worry until they were meant to sleep again, climbing into the giant king size bed and plopping down in the same spots they had slept in the previous night. Lying in the dark, Benji found himself leaning even closer to Victor, whispering sweet nothings and receiving hurried whispers in return. </p><p>The next morning, they ate breakfast, went for a short hike, and then made a beeline for the city again after packing everyone and everything into their cars. They arrived home in the evening, and that was when Victor received a reply from Simon. <em> Finally.  </em></p><p>“<em>Dear Victor, </em></p><p>
  <em> Thanks so much for reaching out, and for trusting me to help you with this, because I know it’s a big decision.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> First, I’m glad you and Benji are talking again. When you two broke up, Bram and I were devastated. We were really rooting for you guys because you seemed like a match made in heaven. Hopefully things work out for you this time around and I hope you’re both in a better place to deal with the relationship and its complexities.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Anyway, I think what Benji said is an interesting place to start. On one hand, many people will say that you should do what you love to do, but that can be hard if you don’t know what that is. Also, the reality is that often, what we want to do doesn’t align with what’s out there. I hate to sound like an old-timer, but sometimes you have to take what you can get. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> On the flip-side, though, it might be good to be a bit introspective and think about your skill sets. What are you good at, and how do you think that aptitude can be applied in a way that’s useful? For instance, you seem like you’re fond of and good at doing research and looking for ways to improve your situation, and you also care about other people and making them happy. Those are qualities that might make you a good therapist, for instance. But that’s just a start. I don’t want to push you toward something you might not want, it’s up to you to decide. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> As for your comment about going to London, think about why you want that. Do you want to go there to be closer to Benji, or because you genuinely want a change of scenery? Make sure you’re doing something because you want to, not because you feel you need to. Good luck. </em>
</p><p><em> Love,<br/></em> <em> Simon” </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi all, thanks so much for reading and supporting as usual. Hope you found this chapter engaging, because despite it being shorter than the previous chapters, I feel like a lot of things came to light this time around. I know there's a lot of focus on Benji in this story, but Victor has also been dealing with a lot of his own nonsense so I hope that gave a little bit of insight into what sort of stuff he's been dealing with. I'm curious to hear what ya'll think. Also, I want to warn you that the next chapter is going to be dramatic and while it may seem that things are going to be going downhill, I promise you the update after should make it up to you. I wanted to warn ya'll before the update so you're mentally prepared. But after that it will be smooth sailing in Venji town, I promise you. Anyway, as I mentioned before, mental health resources are included in the end note so I hope you have a look at it and maybe learn a thing or two. Thanks again for reading and see you on Tuesday! :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Constellation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji watch the stars.</p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, hope you've been well lately. I'm uploading this chapter a bit earlier than usual because my mental health has been (City Girls voice) acting up lately and I need to get more sleep so I need to go to bed earlier and not stay up til after midnight to upload new chapters of this story. Anyway, as I warned last week, this one is gonna be a bit of a doozy. I think you'll enjoy it but it may leave you feeling a bit disheartened. But again, hang in there til Friday and you'll get a nice chapter that will hopefully make things better. Although I will say I really enjoyed writing this chapter because I got to do some more studying of astronomy which I enjoy so maybe you'll also learn a thing. Anyway, hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor and Benji hadn’t been able to see each other much due to Victor taking on extra shifts at Brasstown. He had been working fifty hour weeks at the cafe because he knew now more than ever that he could use the money. But he hadn’t told anyone aside from Simon about his plans, because he anticipated his family’s reaction being explosive; he would need to tell them eventually, though. </p><p>It was a Thursday evening half an hour before Brasstown was due to close for the night, and Victor found himself alone and subsumed by the smell of coffee, his colleagues and Sarah having gone home and leaving him to man the establishment on his own. He didn’t mind, though; he’d found ways to keep himself busy by restocking the fridges with all different types of milk and adding fresh beans to the coffee machines, as well as going over the counter tops and tables with a rag for the nth time. His being alone also meant he could adjust the music to his tastes, as the two patrons left didn’t seem to be very concerned with the song selection, as they were too busy having their nose in a book or their phone, and Victor knew there would be no one to yell at him over it. </p><p>He withdrew his phone to connect to the speakers when he paused, spotting the notification that indicated he had received a message from Benji. Smiling softly, Victor glanced about before opening Spotify and putting his music on shuffle. The upbeat chords of the song accompanied by the soft and light percussion filtered through the room, reminding him that it was still summer.</p><p>Humming along to the music, Victor opened the message from Benji.</p><p>“<em>Hey is it cool if I drop by in a few? I wanna see you 🥰” </em></p><p>Biting his lip as his mouth curled up like a bow, Victor tapped his foot in time with the rhythm as he typed.</p><p>“<em>Yeah come by it’s dead in here. Can’t wait 😘” </em></p><p>Glancing across the cafe to the two remaining patrons, Victor stretched, flailing his arms a bit as he danced along to the music, not caring who saw. Outside, a pair of eyes peered in for a split-second, before they disappeared into the night. Victor brought his attention to the music, listening to the lyrics intently as he swayed along, feeling like he was being called out. He hadn’t signed up for this.</p><p><em> Don't wanna hold ya, mold ya, scold ya<br/></em> <em> Split you in half with my heart<br/></em> <em> I just wanna love on you, trust in you, honour you<br/></em> <em> Please do the same on your part </em></p><p><em> Be honest (Be honest)<br/></em> You want this (You want this)<br/><em> But I can be heartless<br/></em>Regardless of my conscience</p><p>The bell over the door to Brasstown jingled, snapping Victor back into the grey brick building. His head whipped to the front of the store, where Benji stepped inside with a grin and a wave.</p><p>“Hey, Vic,” Benji’s smooth voice carried across the establishment, and Victor couldn’t help but stop and stare.</p><p>“Hey,” Victor replied, draping a rag over his shoulder and leaning across the counter with his face in his hand. “It’s good to see you.”</p><p>“You know, I’m happy to help you clean up and close,” Benji said, hopping up and sitting on the counter.</p><p>“No, no, don’t worry about it, you’re not on the clock. Enjoy your time away from having to work,” Victor assured him with a chuckle as he stood and held his hands in front of him. “Plus, I’d feel bad that you’re not getting paid for it. But anyway, I’ve basically gotten everything done except I have to clean the floors and then we can go.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s fair,” Benji said, lifting his legs up so he could spin to face Victor.</p><p>“I’m actually glad you messaged me first, because I was gonna ask if you wanted to meet up to talk. Because… bear with me, but… I’ve been doing a lot of <em> thinking </em>…”</p><p>“Uh oh,” Benji’s eyes widened in faux worry, sarcasm dripping from each word. “That’s never good.”</p><p>Victor swatted at Benji’s shoulder playfully before leaning against the counter just beside where Benji sat, just outside the boundary of personal space. “Well, I feel like I have more of a handle on what I want to do in the future, so something good came out of it.”</p><p>“Let’s hear it, then,” Benji suggested, glancing down at Victor, his eyelashes fluttering nearly closed. </p><p>The bell rang again and Victor instinctively turned to the source of the noise as one of the patrons filtered out of the cafe, leaving Victor and Benji nearly completely alone. Victor cleared his throat as he went to grab one of the brooms to sweep up. </p><p>“First, I wanna preface this by saying I’m not doing this for anyone else’s sake but my own. Because I <em> know </em>that’s gonna come up,” Victor began, eyeing Benji as he swept, the other following him with his eyes, a frown draping itself upon his lips.</p><p>Benji checked the clock; it was 9:57. “The suspense is killing me.”</p><p>“As I was <em> saying </em>…” Victor continued, mouth curling up as he moved to the other side of the till. “Did you know that you can get a bachelors and then a masters in four years in most places? I wanted to get out of here, so I applied to transfer to a bunch of schools abroad to study psychology. Some of them were, ironically, in London. Like UCL has one of the best programs in the world, and it would be really cool if we could be closer to each other.”</p><p>It was as if a shower of sleet had rained down, striking Benji directly in the chest; he was glad he had been sitting down for that. He didn’t know what to do with his face in that moment, settling on simply gaping at Victor as his pulse rose. Benji swallowed.</p><p>“That’s… actually brilliant. When will you know?” Benji all but whispered, a small smile budding as he swung his legs back and forth. He didn’t have to ask himself if this was real, but he still didn’t want to ruin the moment by speaking any louder.</p><p>“Well, I just applied a few weeks ago, and I know it’s kinda cutting it close, but… I should hear back from them soon. Like in two or so weeks I think? I applied to some places like, in New Zealand and Australia, but I <em> really </em> am hoping I can be in London with you.”</p><p>Glancing down at the floor, Benji bit his lip, because he knew if he didn’t, he would kiss Victor, and it was far too early for that. “As long as you’re doing it because you want to and not because you need to be near me, I’m happy for you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. I felt so directionless before but now… I feel like… reinvigorated, I guess. Plus, I feel like I’d be a good counselor. You should have seen how much I kicked ass when Pilar asked me for advice on coming out,” Victor admitted, smirking. “Not to brag or anything.”</p><p>Chuckling, Benji hopped off the counter. The final customer left, and Benji went to turn the sign to say “closed”. </p><p>“I can definitely see you doing well at that,” Benji replied, locking the door. He couldn’t help but think back to the countless times in the past when they had been the ones left to close the store and they would take their time, kissing on every surface they could find and hoping no one outside stopped long enough to watch them.</p><p>“Thanks. I’m actually pretty excited. I figured, if I’m so good at fixing people’s relationships, I may as well get paid for it.”</p><p>“Good point. And for the record, I would be really happy for you to come to London. Let’s not get our hopes up, but… I really want this to happen. Like, I know it won’t be devastating like it was last time for us to be separated since we’re both in better places now, but we can dream, right?”</p><p>“<em>God </em>, yeah. I still wanna keep making up for the time we lost.” </p><p>Benji shuffled back to the till as Victor finished up his work. He returned the broom to where he had found it and removed his apron; he then stripped his shirt off before rummaging in his bag and withdrawing his civilian clothes. Benji looked away as Victor dressed.</p><p>“So… what did you have in mind for us to do after this?” Victor asked, tossing his bag over his shoulder as he motioned for Benji to walk ahead of him through the back door.</p><p>“Mmm… I didn’t have anything particular in mind but we could go to the park,” Benji suggested as they exited Brasstown.</p><p>Pausing to lock the door as the smell of a campfire filled his nostrils, Victor pursed his lips before replying: “That sounds nice, actually.”</p><p>They walked in comfortable silence, shoulder to shoulder, the warm, heavy air engulfing them. Each time their hands brushed, the cascading energy that bloomed between them threatened to bear fruit; they wouldn’t allow it.</p><p>Spotting an empty bench in the middle of the grassy expanse, they collapsed beside each other, draping themselves across the space, smiling up at the sky with their eyes closed momentarily. </p><p>Victor’s eyelids fell open and he glanced to the side, seeing the bottom of the whites of Benji’s eyes as he focused upon the desert above. </p><p>“What are you thinking about?”</p><p>“Part of my whole journey of like, improving myself was basically distracting myself so I couldn’t think about other things. Whenever I would get anxious I would just draw the map of the constellations and memorize where they all were. You can’t see them that well in London, though. There’s too much light pollution,” Benji replied, unyielding.</p><p>“That was a really good idea,” Victor acknowledged with a grin. He couldn’t imagine having so much light around that it would drown out the stars; even just outside of Atlanta they could see a few.</p><p>“Thanks. I did learn a lot. And when I was in the Canary Islands, the sky was so clear, you could see the Milky Way, so I spent a lot of time looking at the stars and trying to pinpoint where the constellations were based on the maps I had in my head. Here, I wanna show you something,” Benji said, pointing southward, just above the trees that blockaded the space off in the distance. </p><p>Victor followed in the direction with his own gaze, tilting his head. </p><p>“You see that really bright white star with the two red ones just below it on each side? The bright star is called Rasalhague, then the other two are Cebalrai and Kappa Ophiuchi. Then if you draw a line from Kappa Ophiuchi down to that other red star, called Yed Prior or Delta Ophiuchi, and then to that other white star on the left called Sabik or Eta Ophiuchi, those create the outer boundary of Ophiuchus, the Serpent Bearer,” Benji explained, tracing the shape in the air before him.</p><p>Mirroring his action, Victor committed the image of the constellation to memory as he gazed off into the distance. “That’s cool. Is there, like, a story behind it? Or I guess, a legend.”</p><p>“I’m so glad you asked,” Benji grinned, sliding a bit closer to Victor on the bench as he tucked his hair behind his ear. </p><p>Victor glanced to the side again, smiling back with his eyes alight, his heart aflutter when he saw how excited Benji had gotten. It had been too long since he had seen him so happy.</p><p>“So there’s some debate about the significance of Ophiuchus, but my favorite interpretation is him as the ancient healer Asclepius. If you look like 6 stars up and to the right from Kappa Ophiuchi to that big red star, you’ll see Gadja. And a few stars down, another red one, is Unulkalhai. Those make up Serpens Caput, the head of the Serpent. It’s half of the only constellation that’s actually split,” Benji said as he drew the outline of a snake in the sky, connecting it to the rest of Ophiuchus.</p><p>“Yeah, I see it,” Victor breathed, entranced. “Where’s the rest of the snake?”</p><p>“If you go a bit left and down from Cebalrai, you’ll see that bright red star. That’s Eta Serpentis, and that white star cluster a little bit above and to the left is Alya. This one’s a bit long, and it connects back to Ophiuchus down there at Sabik, because the snake is supposed to be coiled around him,” Benji replied, observing as Victor drew the shape and squinted before nodding.</p><p>“Okay… You still didn’t explain what’s so cool about it,” Victor reprimanded as Benji moved close enough that their legs touched, closing the gap between them.</p><p>“I’m getting to it… Asclepius was a healer, and also would later become the god of medicine. Apparently snakes were associated with health and life and then later, resurrection and that sort of thing. Anyway, Asclepius accidentally killed a snake with his staff one day when he was imprisoned, and soon after that happened, another snake came and gave the dead snake an herb to resurrect it,” Benji recounted, letting his hand rest palm-up on his leg as he concluded. </p><p>“That... actually makes a lot of sense.”</p><p>“Yeah. It’s a nice story, but do you know why I love it so much?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because it reminds me of us.”</p><p>Biting his lip and reflecting, Victor looked down at his hands and then at Benji, letting his hand hover over the one Benji had resting on his lap, earning a nod of assent before he interlaced their fingers together. He raised his gaze back to the sky.</p><p>Benji watched him from the corner of his eye, feeling exposed. He didn’t know what Victor was thinking, as he hadn’t given a verbal response; but at least he could tell he wasn’t being pushed aside, and so Benji relaxed a bit. Victor could get up and leave at any moment; but he stayed.</p><p>“What would you say if I told you I wanted to kiss you right now?” Benji ventured, squeezing Victor’s hand to garner his attention.</p><p>Sure enough, Victor returned to Benji from the cosmos, staring at him intently. </p><p>“I’d ask you if you’re sure. Because there’s a chance we won’t see each other for another year, and I don’t want you to make a mistake.”</p><p>Blinking back tears, Benji already felt like he was making a mistake. He shouldn’t have even come to see him, he realized. He shouldn’t have tried to rekindle things with Victor. And worst of all, he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He was acting fucking delusional -- from the <em> start </em>.</p><p>“You’re right. I don’t know what I’m even doing here,” Benji said, bitterness seeping from his voice as he pulled his hand from Victor’s grasp and rose. “I should go.”</p><p>“<em>Wait! </em>Benji!” Victor said too loudly, startling a murder of crows in the vicinity. He stood up, too, and faced him.</p><p>“I mean, you’re just gonna leave me again, anyway.”</p><p>“<em>Benji </em>,” Victor tried again, his voice soft, eyebrows knit together. “Please. Stay. Talk to me. I’m not gonna leave you.”</p><p>Taking a deep breath and letting his eyes fall closed, Benji exhaled as he slumped back down. “Sorry for freaking out at you like that. I just… I don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing. You and I… Yeah, we set boundaries and everything but maybe we’re moving too fast. I don’t know if I can handle it.”</p><p>“Okay… What would make you feel more comfortable?” Victor asked, putting a bit of space between them. </p><p>“Well… I probably just need more time, honestly,” Benji admitted, smoothing his hair back with his hands. </p><p>“No, I understand. I got excited, too. I didn’t think about how… <em> complicated </em>our situation is.”</p><p>Nodding, Benji stared at the ground, then at Victor. He swallowed before he spoke: “I really want a cigarette. Or ten.”</p><p>“Unfortunately, I can’t help you there,” Victor said with a sad smile. “But I wish you’d never started smoking.”</p><p>“Me, too.” <em> And whose fault is that? </em>He thought, shaking his head to clear it. </p><p>Patting his pocket, Benji reached within and withdrew a box of cigarettes and a lighter, opening the box to reveal that there was one left. He clicked his tongue before putting the cancer stick between his lips and lit it, taking a deep draw. </p><p>Mouth set in a deep frown, Victor could only watch, trying not to choke as the acrid cloud of smoke blew in his face. He coughed.</p><p>“Sorry,” Benji mumbled, hand shaking as he searched the ground. </p><p>Sighing, Benji rolled up one of the legs of his shorts, and in the dim light, Victor could see faint dark spots and lines drawn on with marker. Benji took one more drag of his cigarette before taking it between his fingers and finding the perfect spot on himself to put it out.</p><p>But this time, Benji didn’t experience the sensation of stinging and the stench of burning flesh. Victor had his hand tightly around Benji’s wrist, other hand shooting out to snatch the cigarette from Benji’s hand. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it, jaw clenched.</p><p>Glaring at him, Benji slid his hand out of Victor’s grasp. “Why’d you do that?”</p><p>“I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself again; I thought you stopped self harming. And smoking, for that matter.”</p><p>“I thought I did. But here we are.”</p><p>“Please don’t be like that. You were doing really well.”</p><p>“Yeah, and I fucked that up, too.”</p><p>A stray tear slipped from the corner of Benji’s eye. Victor slid a bit closer to him. </p><p>“Do you want a hug?” </p><p>Benji nodded, falling into Victor’s as the other wrapped his arms around his back. </p><p>“And no, you didn’t fuck up, okay? It… can happen sometimes. Recovering isn’t a linear process. It can take time. And if you give in once, it doesn’t mean you messed <em> everything </em>up. I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Victor said against Benji’s hair.</p><p>They sat like that for a moment, Benji exhaling but somehow, not crying. He was tired, but… it was going to be okay. He had to have more faith in himself. After all, he’d come far on his own. Somehow, he would need to learn to balance his own independence and his need for external support. </p><p>“Thank you,” Benji muttered, ear pressed against Victor’s chest as he listened to his heart beating in his rib cage. He didn’t want to move from that position. The familiarity of Victor’s presence, the woody scent of his cologne as it mixed with cigarette smoke, and the firmness that kept him grounded… Benji didn’t want to leave it yet.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Taking his time, Benji untangled himself from Victor’s limbs and sat up, leaning back against the bench. “We should probably get home.”</p><p>“Yeah, good idea. Want me to walk you?”</p><p>Pausing, Benji opened his mouth to reply, then closed it again. Victor rose, offering a hand. His eyes were dark as the light shone behind him; Benji blinked, and the light disappeared. He felt the sensation of waiting for nothing in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>“Okay, I’d like that. Before we go, though, I’ll probably want you to sleep with me when we get there but please just… say no.”</p><p>“We are <em> definitely </em>not there yet. Don’t worry,” Victor assured him as Benji took his hand and stood up, too. </p><p>They walked, fingers interlaced, through the darkness, the suburban silence eerie. It was almost midnight. </p><p>When they arrived, they stood on Benji’s porch for a moment, unfurling their hands from one another. The lights within had been shut off. </p><p>“As I said, I still need more time,” Benji sighed, looking into Victor’s eyes. “Please just… don’t contact me for a while. I need time to think.”</p><p>Taking a step away from Benji, Victor nodded, biting his quivering lip for a moment before he replied: “Okay, that’s fine. Take your time.”</p><p>“G’night, Victor. Thanks for tonight.”</p><p>“No problem. G’night, Benji. Sleep well.”</p><p>He wanted to tell Benji he loved him. <em> Loves </em>, because he never stopped and he knew he never would. But he couldn’t burden him with that now; he knew it would only make things worse. So he said nothing. </p><p>Hesitating, letting his hand rest on the doorknob, Benji looked over his shoulder as Victor stepped down from the porch. Victor turned back for a moment, their eyes meeting once more in the darkness, before Benji slipped into his house, leaving the other standing alone, staring at the empty porch. </p><p>Victor blinked back tears, sliding his hands into his pockets as he set his gaze south to the stars just on the horizon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading and supporting as usual. I'm curious to hear what you all think of this. Another bit of a small update is that after this week, I'll be changing my update schedule from 2x a week to 1x a week on most likely Wednesdays. Because it's NaNo month, I'm going to be putting my efforts into that story for now. You may have also noticed that I changed the chapter count from 32 to 33 chapters. I just have to write the final chapter, which is already partially written, and then I'll finally be finished! Thank you again for sticking with me during this long journey. Finally, I'm looking forward to hearing what you think about the development and (as I said, next week will be good!) what you're predicting. 1 comment = 1 Venji kissing and finally getting back together! See you Friday!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Recapitulation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Benji and Victor pick up where they left off -- for real this time.</p><p> </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
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          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again. Hope you've been well, I know it's been a stressful week for basically everyone. I hope I can provide a little bit of light with this chapter, because it's the beginning of basically 5 chapters of Venji fluff and airing out the rest of their troubles together. It was satisfying for me to write so I hope it's satisfying for you to read. Another update, however, is that I will be changing my upload schedule a bit. I'm going to be uploading 1x a week, most likely on Wednesdays, starting the following week. It's partially because the chapters are a bit on the longer side, and partially because I still need to write the final chapter and between that, working on NaNo and some other projects, as well as looking for a job, I want to give myself time to do things properly. So I hope the end result will be to your liking. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and the subsequent ones. It's really been a pleasure to work on this and to hear what you all think of the story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In typical Victor fashion, the Salazar family didn’t find out about his plans until the last week of August. As with all of his major decisions, they were the last to know about them. To be fair, Victor rationalized, nothing had been decided for certain before that day. And that was the one thing he wasn’t able to correct in therapy -- at least not yet. </p><p>Shuffling into the kitchen with his laptop balanced on his forearm, Victor looked up to see Isabel sitting at the kitchen table with one knee to her chest as she pored over a neat pile of bills, her glasses perched on the bridge of her nose.</p><p>“Hey, <em> mijito </em>, how’re you doing? I thought you had work today.”</p><p>“Mornin’, <em> mami </em>. I wanted to tell you something.”</p><p>Isabel raised her eyebrows and took her glasses off, placing them on the table. “What’s up?”</p><p>“So… well, before I tell you, please promise me you won’t freak out.”</p><p>“The way you’re saying that is making me worried but I guess I have no choice. Whatever it is, I won’t be upset.”</p><p>“I applied to some psychology programs at universities in London…”</p><p>“You <em> what </em>? In London?! And you’re just telling me now?!”</p><p>“Let me finish… And for the record, this isn’t because Benji’s gonna be there. I mean, yeah it’s good he’ll be nearby but… They have a really good program, one of the best in the world, actually, and I would have so many opportunities in the city--”</p><p>“What about Atlanta? We’re also in the city here and it would be <em> way </em> cheaper. You could go to community college and then transfer. Since all your legal stuff is handled, you won’t have as much going on and you can focus better. Why do you think you need to leave the <em> country </em>to study? What about New York or LA if you wanna be in the city?”</p><p>“<em>Mom, </em> please. I’ve thought about all this already. And I know you have a lot of life experience and wisdom and all that, but I <em> really </em>need a change of scenery. It may have been a lot for me to get used to, but I’m older now and I’ve realized that I still have a lot of time, and I want to take advantage of it. Plus, I got my acceptance letter just now saying I got into the program at UCL.”</p><p>Victor placed his computer on the table in front of her, and Isabel put on her glasses again, reading what was on the screen. “Congrats. But why are you just telling me this now? Doesn’t the semester start… soon? If this is what you wanna do, we would need to take care of everything…”</p><p>“Don’t worry, I could have told you this way later. The semester doesn’t start til mid-September. And I’m already handling the visa and housing stuff. Plus I’ve saved up enough money from work that I’ll be able to use it to pay for food and rent and all that. And I can take a low-interest loan for the tuition expenses, which will still end up being cheaper than they would be here. I’ll finish in 2 years and then I’ll probably have to get a Masters which is… <em> fine </em>, I guess, but it’ll be faster than it would be here.”</p><p>Pursing her lips and crossing her arms, Isabel mulled over what Victor had said as she studied his face. “Oh, thank you for not waiting til the <em> absolute </em> last minute to tell me! I mean I can’t tell you what to do aside from ‘Don’t get stabbed’. But it’s gonna be so weird without you around. Are you sure about this, <em> mijo? </em>”</p><p>“I know, <em> mami </em>, I’ve had like. Over a month to think about this. It’s happening.”</p><p>“Right. Then, in that case, you should probably start packing.” </p><p>“Already on it. I’ll let you know if I need anything,” Victor called as he walked down the hallway to his room.</p><p>“What am I gonna do without you?” Isabel muttered to herself, holding her head in her hand as she stared out into the empty living room, wiping the lone tear that marked her cheek like a sailing stone through the desert sands.</p><p>She hadn’t expected her baby to be leaving her so soon; while she knew it was inevitable, she thought it would be another few years before that happened. With Pilar going off to college, too, she would be left in a house with only Adrian to keep her company. She was going to have to get used to it.</p><p>Sighing, Isabel returned to her bills, hoping to distract herself from the thoughts cascading about her mind like a tumultuous blizzard, threatening to freeze her in time.</p><p>Meanwhile, Victor hummed to himself as he opened his suitcase, thrusting the door to his closet open and grabbing an armful of clothes, dumping them inside with the hangers still attached. Part of what he had gotten out of therapy was taking more control over his own wardrobe, and so he had finally invested in some more mature pieces so he wouldn’t look like his mom picked out his outfits anymore.</p><p>When he moved the clothes from where they had been, he opened up a cavern which had stayed hidden for months; he eyed it, seeing where the nook for Benji’s clothes still lay, untouched. Victor swallowed; he’d forgotten about it, if he was to be honest. With a shaky hand, he reached out, picking up the Nirvana t-shirt that lay atop the pile, unfolding it and letting it hang from his hands. He brought it to his face, hoping to smell the familiar citrus smell mixed with Benji’s unique essence but he frowned, smelling nothing. Even the smell of detergent had oxidized and it just reeked of… air. How mundane.</p><p>Sighing, Victor hesitated. He reached to place the shirt back where he had found it, but something pulled him back, limbs suddenly wooden, marionette-like. He rolled it up and shoved it in his suitcase, hiding it beneath the piles of his own clothes; he had a sense that it would come in handy later. </p><p>After he finished packing his things, Victor shuffled over to his desk, searching through his drawers to see where he had put his passport. He and his family hadn’t gone on trips to Colombia in a few years at this point, as it was expensive to do so regularly and not always feasible as Victor and Pilar grew older and had more responsibilities during summer. Grunting, Victor rolled up his sleeves to dig through one of the paper-filled drawers, rolling his eyes at himself for not taking the time to clean them properly. He lifted the papers out, dropping them on the floor where they flew everywhere and he hoped they weren’t important. Finally, at the bottom of the drawer, he found it: the little navy blue book that he knew he had to guard with his life. He opened it up, glancing at the little stamps on a few of the pages, but most of the book was left blank. </p><p>Humming to himself, Victor placed his passport on top of his laptop on his desk because he knew that would be the only way he wouldn’t lose it again. He glanced around his room, thinking: <em> What else do I need…  </em></p><p>“Oh, yeah,” Victor muttered to himself, turning to his wall of shoes. </p><p>He would need to make some important decisions because he couldn’t take them all with him. Or he could, but he would just have to have far fewer outfits to choose from. While he was willing to take that risk, he knew he would never hear the end of it from his mother. So he chose his three favorites and allowed himself one more pair for the trip, and that was it. </p><p>Once he had gone through his mental list of things to pack and ensured he had everything he would need, Victor zipped up his suitcase and plopped back on the bed, spent. He checked his phone to see the time; it had taken him thirty minutes to pack completely, and now he would have to wait a few more weeks before he could get the hell out of there. </p><p>The days passed by with excruciating slowness, each moment punctuated by the grain of sand in the hourglass weighing like a boulder instead. He wondered when it would lighten, as the enormity simply built despite his daily work at Brasstown supposedly designed to keep him busy, his mind occupied from his impending trip, but it didn’t do as it was meant to. Despite the herds of tourists popping up to distract him from his thoughts, he still managed to somehow think about it. He couldn’t wait.</p><p>Soon summer drew to a close, the crowds thinning, the air growing cooler, and the time for his departure finally arrived. He said his goodbyes to his family, not making any certain plans for returning for the holidays but promising to stay in touch, at least. </p><p>Isabel grudgingly accepted, and Armando remarked about how proud he was, which made Victor’s chest tighten as he turned to leave. Adrian, who was a teenager now, all but threatened Victor not to leave him alone with Pilar, earning a devilish grin from the woman herself. </p><p>But Victor knew they would always be there for him and so, they parted, knowing they would meet again. As Victor left his apartment for the last time for a while, he looked back only for a moment before heading on his way, tossing his suitcase into the trunk before hopping into the passenger seat of Pilar’s car, which was unsurprisingly sleek and black to suit the rest of her aesthetic. </p><p>“You excited?” Pilar asked as they pulled out of the driveway, before racing down their street to the main road.</p><p>“Definitely. I’ve been wanting to leave for a while now so I’m glad it’s finally happening.”</p><p>“I’m gonna miss you, y’know. Mom’s probably gonna be calling me every day because she won’t have anyone to talk to anymore,” Pilar admitted with a grimace. “I don’t know if I’m mentally prepared for that yet.”</p><p>“Oh, come on. I keep telling you, she’s not <em> that </em> bad. Plus, and I’m just <em> saying </em>, if you bring Naomi over from time to time, she’ll definitely love her, and then she’ll give you way less trouble. Trust me.”</p><p>“You’re not the best example, though, since you’re <em> obviously </em>her favorite. Like, there was no question that she was gonna love Benji, because you have good taste and she trusts you.”</p><p>Biting his lip, Victor looked down at his hands, fingers picking at cuticles. “I don’t know if that’s entirely true, because she <em> did </em> give Mia a hard time at first, too. And she was a bit suspicious of Benji, too, just because of the circumstances and… She probably just automatically assumes no one is good enough for me.”</p><p>“Hmm… I kinda wish she had standards like that for me, then maybe I wouldn’t have dated Eric. He was so trash.”</p><p>Chuckling a bit despite himself, Victor glanced at her from the side of his eye. “Trust me, I would <em> love </em>for her to not meddle in my love life. Like, you know how I told you she sent that email to Benji, right.”</p><p>“Yeah, that was so fire.”</p><p>“I kinda wish she didn’t because after we tried going back to how things were it just… didn’t work. Like, I could have been trying to move on but I let myself hope that he would come back to me.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Pilar frowned, gaze trained on the road ahead. “He said he needed more time. Which makes sense. Like, he sounds like he’s dealing with a lot of shit, so you being impatient about it isn’t going to help.”</p><p>“But I don’t know how much space I can give him. I love him, and I’ll always love him but… I can’t help but feel like he’s keeping me on a leash. Like things were going well and he just… cut me off.”</p><p>“Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“What’re you talking about?”</p><p>“<em>Bro… </em> are you that dense? Like, for real?”</p><p>“<em>No </em>, just tell me what you’re thinking. I’m not good at guessing or reading minds or whatever.”</p><p>“The roles are reversed and you can’t handle it.”</p><p>For a moment, Victor was silent, and all he could do is look straight ahead out the window, the red light from the descending sun casting an eerie glow across the sky, the clouds painted like little pastel ribbons on the dark backdrop. </p><p>“And you’re trying to go to London to win him back, right?” </p><p>“<em>No. </em> Absolutely not. Well… Partially. Yes…” Victor admitted, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “I want there to be the possibility. But… I’m trying to balance it, I guess. Like, I definitely have more direction now, I’m managing better, and I can continue going to therapy when I’m there. And Benji’s doing the same. We’ve <em> both </em> been learning to manage things and communicate more, even when it’s not pretty. And before we didn’t really have a whole lot of space, and I think with us both having stuff going on and living separately, we can spend more quality time with each other instead of spending excessive amounts of time together to the point where we feel like we need each other. So I want us to finally have an <em> actual </em>shot, not just something temporary.”</p><p>“That’s all well and good but just… keep giving him space. Let him take his time. Don’t be your normal, <em> impatient </em> self.”</p><p>“I know, I know, I didn’t even message him to tell him that I was going because he asked me not to, okay? So, please know that I’m trying. I don’t wanna screw it up again.”</p><p>“Good. That’s what I like to hear. Proud of you for killing two birds with one stone.”</p><p>“That’s… a bit of a weird way to put it, don’t you think?”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>Rolling his eyes with a small smile forming on his lips, Victor moved his gaze out the window beside him, watching the trees and colorful dots whizzing by them as they drove. Soon they arrived at the airport, where Pilar deposited Victor with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she wished him luck and a “don’t get stabbed” and sped away. He hated prolonged goodbyes.</p><p>Going through the motions of security and passport control, Victor felt calm. Calmer than he had ever felt in a while, his inner forge now a solid block of pure gold. When he boarded, making himself comfortable, he pulled out a book from his carry-on because he knew he wouldn’t sleep; but it was okay. He’d just make up for it later. Putting his earbuds in and setting his playlist to shuffle as he usually did, Victor opened the book he had brought with him, <em> The Alchemist, </em> and began to read.</p><p>The trip was uneventful aside from the world swirling and building in his mind, the bricks and wood and soil creating a vivid image with each new page he read. When he finished, he looked at the time and realized he still had several hours left to occupy himself, and normally he would opt for some self-reflection but now, he wasn’t drawn to that. He’d been reflection-ed-out. But he could feel the tug of boredom on his brain like a mosquito attempting to burrow into his flesh and feast on his blood. </p><p>At this point, Victor contemplated sleeping, as the lights had gone out in the cabin and it would beat sitting there doing nothing. Sighing, he closed his eyes, thinking of the rolling grasses of the prairies, the light splashing of a brook as the water coursed through it, and the softness of the wind blowing through the countryside on a cloudless day. And he thought of how soft the ground would feel as he lay upon it, staring off into the distance before his eyes shifted to what was before him, and he saw Benji’s golden eyes, the sun illuminating them from behind his own back, and Victor could only smile. In a moment, he fell asleep.</p><p>When he awoke thanks to a gentle nudge on the shoulder from one of his seatmates, indicating that they had landed, Victor blinked a few times, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He rose, grabbing his bag, before exiting, the weak light making him squint. At least it wasn’t raining. </p><p>Eventually, Victor found his way to the underground, humming softly to himself as a random song blared in his ears. He closed his eyes, resting his head back against the glass of the carriage. Opening one eye to check where he was on the map overhead, Victor relaxed again. He had time, and he didn’t feel like anyone was going to rob him, as most people looked as out of place as he did or simply had their faces stuck to their phones. </p><p>The carriage began to empty at each stop until the train reached King’s Cross, where Victor shot up and pushed past people as quickly as he could with repeated muttered “sorry”s. Like a group of anchovies, bodies piled into the carriages without regard for logic, rationale or personal space, and Victor was glad he had gotten off when he did. King’s Cross made Grand Central look tame in comparison, with people flying in from all directions, looking as if they would collide head-first with someone until the last second when they swerved away. Following the signs, Victor found his way to the Victoria line. Two more stops. </p><p>Hoping he would never have to make that commute again, Victor finally made it out of the station at Warren Street, stepping out into the early afternoon air and taking a deep breath. It wasn’t as busy as he expected it to be as he lugged his things down the road with him, eyeing the bare concrete brutalist buildings and pubs that lined the street. </p><p>He arrived at a red brick building, finding the door unlocked as he pushed it open. Inside was a small foyer with a tiny kitchen with two burners on the stove and not much else, along with a spartan looking den with one couch and a table, two rooms, and a bathroom. It wasn’t much, but Victor couldn’t complain. </p><p>Not hearing any noises of movement or life within, Victor entered, taking off his shoes at the door and padding across the cool wooden floor to have a look at the rooms, choosing one at random since both were unoccupied. He remembered the dimensions of Benji’s room, and it seemed to be standard along with the furnishings of a bed, desk, upon which lay a copy of the key to the flat, a chair and wardrobe. Victor knew he wouldn’t be spending a whole lot of time there, so it didn’t bother him much. His room at home was about three times the size, and he chastised himself for not taking advantage of the space while he could.</p><p>It was strange to be on his own and away from his family, but Victor didn’t feel the tug back to them. He had spent a lot of time over the past year alone, so he had gotten used to it. All he could hope was that his roommate wasn’t a dickhead. </p><p>After sleeping as much as he did, and with the time back home catching up to him, Victor paced about, wondering what to do with himself. He could go explore the area, which he would do as soon as he charged his phone up. Speaking of… </p><p>Victor searched around the flat until he found a little piece of paper taped to the wall in the kitchen with the wifi details on it. He shot his mom a quick text to let her know he had made it to his flat safely because he knew she probably didn’t sleep that night due to anxiety. Plugging in his phone to charge, Victor left it on the counter before wandering out onto the balcony through the door in the den.</p><p>He leaned over the railing of the balcony, taking in the low buildings. The sun had grown a bit stronger, and despite the cool Northern air, Victor found it all to be pleasant. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. </p><p>Growing bored soon, Victor went back inside, glancing at his phone to see how much it had charged. Not much of a difference between 20 and 22 percent. Victor groaned. He wanted to do something. But he also didn’t want to risk getting lost. </p><p>His phone <em> dinged, </em>and Victor checked it to see who had messaged him. It was Mia.</p><p>“<em>Hey, hope your trip went well. How are things?”  </em></p><p>Victor leaned against the kitchen counter, fingers hovering over the keys as he contemplated his words. </p><p>“<em>Yeah, it was fine. Things are definitely… different. But not in a bad way. How are things with you?” </em></p><p>A moment passed before the ellipses showed up. </p><p>“<em>That’s good to hear.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Have you reached out to Benji?” </em>
</p><p>Victor exhaled. He should have known this would happen.</p><p>“<em>No. Remember he said he didn’t want to talk to me for a while?” </em></p><p>Another pause. Victor raised an eyebrow, wondering if perhaps there was more than one conversation happening at once.</p><p>“<em>I mean yeah I remember but… you should tell him anyway.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Or fine” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’ll do it ffs” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Can’t deal w ya’ll’s like… circular communication anymore. This is the last time I’m gonna be the messenger ok” </em>
</p><p>Covering his face with his hand, Victor put his phone down beside him. He shoved the heel of his hand into his eyes before picking up his phone again and responding.</p><p>“<em>I appreciate that but like… no one asked you to”  </em></p><p>“<em>If he wanted to talk to me he would just message me himself right” </em></p><p>Immediately, Mia wrote back.</p><p>“<em>That’s true. Ok after this I promise I’m not butting in anymore bc ya’ll are stressin me out. But you better fix this and talk to each other” </em></p><p>Shaking his head, Victor stared out the window at the greenery of the park below and spaced out for a moment before responding to her message.</p><p>“<em>Fine. Just not today. I wanna settle in first.” </em></p><p>With that, Victor turned the brightness on his phone down and slid it in his pocket before throwing his jacket on and departing in the direction of the park he had seen from his window. Benji had asked for more space and more time, so he would give it to him. And just because they were in the same city didn’t mean he had to plan his life around Benji. As much as he wanted to see him, he also didn’t want to give the man he loved more trouble than he was already dealing with. He hoped that he was doing better than he had been the last time they had seen each other.</p><p>----------------------</p><p>After 371 days, Benji was finally off benzos for good. And he didn’t plan to fuck around with them again. Since he’d weathered the worst bits of withdrawal, the number of days he woke up feeling like shit went down from daily to once a week, which was a vast improvement already. Now the only drugs he trusted were his antidepressants. No longer did he feel like he was waiting for nothing.</p><p>He, Soledad and Rhiannon had decided to stay in their flat in South Kensington. Nikita had taken a year off school, and Ish had decided to live at home to help care for his parents and commuted to school a few times a week. They still met up occasionally, but not as frequently. But Benji preferred it that way. He no longer felt the draw of temptation but he didn’t want to test himself unnecessarily. Reflecting on their time together, he understood that it was better to keep Ish at a distance.</p><p>They had gotten two new flatmates, Shuang, a friendly young woman from Chongqing with short, rainbow hair, and Amir, a shy but kind guy from Abu Dhabi who was objectively cute, but since Benji had sworn off anyone else aside from Victor, his eyes refused to wander. </p><p>Soledad was more than happy to take their new friends into the circle, and they all became fast friends. Benji felt much less lonely than he had at the beginning of the previous year, feeling like he had his crew with him, and a place to call his own. Spending less time alone, buried under a mound of blankets, face wet and tear-stained because he missed Victor would do that. </p><p>Benji had decided to come back to London a few weeks before the semester started because he wanted to get settled and see Dr. Singh a few times before the semester started, and also, because he knew the longer he stayed in Atlanta, the more he would be tempted to see Victor, drawn toward him and upending the fabric of his life the same way a stray thread did when pulled out of a piece of silk cloth, ruining the material beyond repair unless coaxed out gently. It would have disrupted his psyche too much, too quickly.</p><p>While he was calmer now after a few therapy sessions and a return to normalcy and routine, he knew one of the things he had to work on more was his interpersonal communication with his friends and family back home. He couldn’t allow himself to drop off the surface of the planet again. Or, at least he would let them know occasionally that he was alive. Baby steps.</p><p>It was a particularly rainy day in the third week of September, and Benji was sitting in the living room with his flatmates and curled up under a blanket. Soledad had made the mistake of suggesting they marathon <em> Game of Thrones </em>, yet she had fallen asleep beside Benji, snoring quietly on his shoulder. Benji chuckled and rolled his eyes as he scribbled some lyrics on the notepad in his hand, one eye on the television and the other on his work.</p><p>Shuang had cut up some oranges and placed the plate on the table for them to nibble, lecturing them on how nutritious they are as if she were their mother despite being only nineteen, before she sat down beside Soledad and poked her to wake her. They had pushed the couches together a la a sectional, so Amir and Rhiannon could sit beside the other three, with very little space to be away from another body. Benji was almost smothered in the middle, shifting a bit to give himself some breathing room.</p><p>Nibbling on an orange and glancing back at the television for a moment and seeing a particularly grisly wedding scene, Benji couldn’t peel his eyes away as one of the main characters held his dying wife in his arms as she bled out on the ground. Benji swallowed, blinking back tears, before the buzz of his phone jolted him back into his surroundings like the crack of a whip. It was Mia.</p><p>“<em> Victor’s in London” </em>was all it said.</p><p>Instantly, as if acting on its own, his body rose from the couch, and he shuffled out of the living room and into the kitchen, shoving open the door of the balcony and getting soaked by the rain that trampled down from the heavens, a stampede of droplets painting him in his entirety. He’d forgotten it was raining.</p><p><em> Fuck, </em>he thought, the shock of the cold slowing his heart from its accelerated beating. He retreated back inside, dripping from every cell in his body. Shaking himself off, he shuffled down the corridor to his room to change. For a moment, he forgot about the message, that is, until he checked his phone again and saw it on the screen. </p><p>Stripping off his wet clothes and shivering, he opened his wardrobe and pulled out a pair of warm sweats and a cozy oversized sweater. Sniffling, he dressed himself and plopped back into his bed, holding his phone over his face as he buried himself under the covers. He stared at the three words, fingers moving around but not pressing any keys. Biting his lip, he shut off the screen again, resting the back of his hand against his forehead as he moved his gaze to the ceiling.</p><p>“<em>Are you sure? </em>” he finally wrote back, after what seemed like hours of deliberation.</p><p>“<em>I wouldn’t tell you if I wasn’t sure. And I’m not playing messenger anymore so please handle this yourselves” </em>Mia wrote back.</p><p>Placing his phone aside, Benji watched the rain outside his window as it barraged down on a diagonal, the wind whistling like a sparrow flying through a gorge. He hadn’t expected Victor to follow through on what he had said to him over the summer, but now that he knew he had, he didn’t bother to barricade the tears that drained from his eyes. It didn’t last long, but the smile that flowered on his lips stayed in place in a way that it hadn’t in a long time. He couldn’t recall a time when he had felt such a wave of relief and calm and… <em> happiness. </em></p><p>High on serotonin, Benji sat up, leaning against the wall. He’d been afraid to bring Victor back into his life properly, to let his guard down and trust him wholly -- to <em> forgive </em>him -- because he hadn’t trusted himself not to fall back into the lightless cavern of self-loathing and dependence that he had fought so valiantly to destroy. In fact, Victor’s cooperation had melted the icy walls of his defenses quickly; his greatest enemy, as always, was himself. If Victor hadn’t been so patient with him, he realized, he would have sabotaged things long ago. Victor --</p><p>A knock interrupted his musings. He rose from his bed and opened the door, stepping aside to allow Soledad to enter.</p><p>“All good? You kinda ran outta the room fast and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. Actually… <em> better </em>than fine.”</p><p>“I’m glad,” Soledad replied, inviting herself into his room and sitting down on his bed. “You do seem to be a lot more… stable. Even though I just saw you go outside while there’s a storm goin’ on. .”</p><p>Scratching the back of his still damp head sheepishly, Benji sat beside her. </p><p>“Mia texted me to let me know Victor actually came to London. I asked him not to contact me and so far he’s actually respected my wishes… So, I think I’m ready to forgive him. I’m tired of keeping him at arm’s length.”</p><p>“Are you sure about that?”</p><p>“Yeah. And not in the same sense as before. I just don’t see the point in keeping up this charade anymore. Especially since neither of us even <em> want </em>anyone else. So I want us to just get on with it, because I know he’s not going anywhere anytime soon.”</p><p>“I just don’t want you to get hurt again. You were really fucked up.”</p><p>“Oh, I know. Luckily, my therapist said I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m in a good enough place now that I can take on a relationship. It won’t be the same this time around. Promise. I mean look,” Benji said as he rolled up the sleeves of his sweater, showing her his bare arms. “I haven’t even had the urge to do anything to myself lately.”</p><p>“Okay, okay. Let’s just hope things stay that way.”</p><p>“So… Should I call him?”</p><p>“What do <em> you </em>think? Obviously whatever I say you’re not gonna listen anyway,” Soledad replied with a roll of her eyes and a grimace. “I still don’t trust him but if you do, then…”</p><p>“Yeah, I do. I definitely trust him. We both saw some of the ugliest parts of each other, still wanted to be together, and actually tried our best to be better, more well-adjusted people for our own sake… Isn’t that what love is supposed to look like? For us to push each other to love and understand ourselves, and to become more human?”</p><p>Pursing her lips, Soledad narrowed her eyes, stare boring into Benji as if she were digging into his consciousness with her pupils, bit by bit, chipping away at his resolve. He didn’t waver.</p><p>“You may have a point there. Just don’t cry to me again if he breaks your heart.” </p><p>“He won’t.”</p><p>“I’m not sure if you’re being delusional again or if you’re right that he’s become less of a mess. But either way… Good luck. I do honestly hope this works out for you, but I’ll be watching Victor…”</p><p>Smirking, Benji shook his head before replying: “You really don’t have to. I’m confident we’ll be okay.”</p><p>“Cool. Well, I’m gonna go, I got a lotta shit to read through before class tomorrow and I already watched too many episodes of that god-awful dragon show.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said as he grinned at her. “Also, I don’t know how you were even watching anything when you kept falling asleep.”</p><p>“I was resting my eyes,” Soledad retorted, rising from the bed. “Anyway, see ya, babes.”</p><p>With a short wave, Soledad slipped out of the room, tugging the door closed with a soft <em> click.  </em></p><p>Benji chuckled, taking his phone in his hand again. He scrolled through his list of messages until he found the thread he hadn’t touched in weeks and composed a message.</p><p>“<em>Can I call you?” </em>he wrote, sending it without thinking and setting his phone aside.</p><p>Before it left his hand, it dinged.</p><p>“<em>Sure”  </em></p><p>He pressed the little phone icon and held it to his ear, listening for half a ring before Victor picked up.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Hey, Vic.”</p><p>There was a tired pause between them ready to be bashed in.</p><p>“How have you been?” Victor ventured. Benji could hear the pitter patter of rain clearly on the other end. </p><p>“Yeah, I’ve… been pretty good, actually,” Benji replied, standing up and leaning against the window and gazing outside. “How ‘bout you?”</p><p>“Not bad.”</p><p>Another pause.</p><p>“Listen…” Benji said, taking a deep breath. “I know we didn’t part on the best of terms in Atlanta. But… I’m in a better place now; everything is under control. And now that we’re both here, I would really want for us to try this again. Properly this time.”</p><p>On the other line, Benji could hear Victor grinning when he said: “I was waiting for you to say that.”</p><p>“Do you wanna pick up where we left off?” </p><p>Victor let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding before he said: </p><p>“Of course.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, what did you think of this chapter? Do you agree with Vic's decision to come to London? I know last week's chapter was a bit of a doozy, but I hope the trajectory of the story makes sense in light of that. I know many of you were concerned about the decisions the characters have been making and I hope there's some reassurance here. They are very messy but they're trying their best. Also before anyone is in the comments saying that what Vic did is unrealistic... I did the same thing he did except for my masters and did it all on a whim so, it can be done. Anyway, 1 comment = 1 Venji having a nice time and being together on better terms and also going on cute dates!! :D See you next week.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Inspiration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor visits Benji's flat for the first time.</p><p>I've added one more song to the playlist because I listened to it on repeat while writing a particular upcoming scene so now I associate the two lol... Enjoy.</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi again all, welcome to the next installment of this story. I hope you're been well, I know last week was a tough one, wasn't it! But I think things have settled down for now. Anyway, as usual, and as I say about every chapter, I found writing this one to be enjoyable. It's always a curious thing to write B in his element. I also enjoyed writing some of the conversations in this chapter, because I feel like you can see the progression of B and Vic's conversations into less surface level topics into ones that are a little bit more intellectual (although maybe it's just me projecting my love for philosophical discussion lol). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. AS I HAVE SAID PREVIOUSLY, it's smooth sailing from here on out. That means pure 100% unfiltered Venji fun times. No bad feelings allowed. Only happiness. So enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had agreed to meet at Benji’s flat while his friends were around as part of the plan to continue taking things slow. But they agreed that it made sense to speed things up at this point; after all, they would both be in London for at least another two years, most likely longer given their circumstances. </p><p>Benji had gotten used to the city, drawn to the sensation of freedom and calm it provided. Going back to Atlanta meant disrupting the carefully cultivated life and routine he had built for him; it would mean digging up and cutting the study yet delicate roots that he’d placed into the soil a year ago, which had expanded their depth and breadth, not to be removed without force. </p><p>Victor, on the other hand, was still in the honeymoon stage, fascinated with every new encounter, each ride on one of the red buses, each day’s view of the River, each new part of the city he would discover on one of his walks. The novelty still hadn’t worn off; but he was easy to please, had shallow roots, and didn’t require much -- something of a desert cactus; all he needed was a little bit of light and he was happy, even among the many-hundreds-of-years-old cobblestone and pavement. </p><p>It was a Saturday afternoon, overcast but raining like droplets flung from the tips of leaves in the forest by the wind rather than a true rain. Victor had taken the Underground west from Warren Street to South Kensington so he wouldn’t have to properly brave the elements. </p><p>Humming along to one of the songs Soledad played on her piano, Benji smashed some avocados into a paste, adding some chili flakes, lime juice, and salt and pepper and mixing it all together in a bowl. He set it all aside and lifted the cover of the pot within which water simmered on the stove, with several eggs floating like little galaxies seen from light years away as they poached. On one of the other burners, a skillet with some pancakes sizzled away, and Benji waited a moment for then to start bubbling a bit before he flipped them over. </p><p>He glanced down at his phone where it lay on the counter, tapping the screen to see a notification that Victor had messaged him telling him he was on his way over. Smiling to himself for a moment, he jumped when he heard the toaster ejecting the slices of bread he’d put in before. Removing the toast with his bare, calloused hands, Benji set it on the plate with the other pieces of toast that he had covered before wiping his hands on the front of his apron. He removed his apron before he picked up the bowl of fruit he’d cut and carried it to the living room, where his friends awaited impatiently, resisting the urge to help him, because he had insisted on preparing the spread himself, and Soledad had declared rather bluntly that she would have too much trouble stopping herself from poisoning Victor’s food so she didn’t want to be held responsible for handling it. </p><p>The doorbell rang as Benji was in the process of bringing the food into the living room. He set down the remaining items before jogging over to open the door, revealing a sopping, grinning Victor, eyes sparkling down at him.</p><p>“Mornin’.”</p><p>“Mornin’. Come on in. Shoes off, please.”</p><p>Benji stepped back to allow Victor to enter, not bothering to hide his own smile as he watched the other close the door behind him and hang his surprisingly dressy burgundy peacoat up on one of the hooks before kicking off his shoes -- they weren’t sneakers, for once, but instead a pair of stylish brown boots -- and setting them neatly against the wall. Biting his lip, Benji gave Victor a once-over, noting his navy turtleneck, which Victor had tucked into a pair of grey plaid slacks. For a moment, they simply stood there, gazing at each other, and Benji thought he imagined the sound of their hearts tapping against their rib cages in the same cadence, each holding his breath and waiting for the other to say <em> something </em>.</p><p>“Did you change your wardrobe?” Benji ventured, making a show of raking his eyes down Victor’s body and then up again.</p><p>“Uh… yeah. I figured it was time for me to dress more like an adult. Coming to London kinda gave me an excuse to make the change.”</p><p>Giving Victor a sly look as he ran a hand through his hair, Benji leaned against the wall. He said: “It suits you.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Victor said, gaze softening as a hint of pink tinged his cheeks. “The eyeliner suits you, too.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Benji opened his mouth to respond before he closed it. He’d completely forgotten that he had been wearing it. </p><p>“Oh, yeah. Thanks,” Benji replied, eyes steady despite the pink stains that painted his own face, chewing on his lip for a moment before tipping his head to the side and asking: “... Can I hug you?” </p><p>Victor only nodded before slipping his arms around Benji’s back, their bodies naturally finding one another and fitting together like pieces of stone that had broken off the same cliff, as they had countless times before. Benji buried his face in Victor’s chest, the soft material of his sweater comforting, the smell of rain and mint and cedarwood almost intoxicating -- but Benji knew better. He wrapped his arms around Victor’s lower back, gripping at his sides, nails almost digging into skin. Victor’s eyes fluttered closed as he rested his cheek against Benji’s hair; they stood like that in the foyer, ignorant of their audience or the fact that some time had passed. Benji could fall asleep in Victor’s embrace. </p><p>Soledad cleared her throat before she spoke. “The food’s gonna get cold.”</p><p>Reluctantly, Benji and Victor separated, taking their time in untangling their limbs from each other. Benji winked at Victor before their hands found each other again, fingers weaving together like threads on a loom pressed together tightly to form a colorful tapestry, embroidered with gold and silver. They walked together to the living room, because the kitchen would have been far too crowded for all of them, where Benji introduced Victor to his friends, some who he had already met via video calls ages ago, some who he had not. </p><p>Leaving Victor to settle in on the couch, Benji marched back into the kitchen, returning with a kettle full of tea in one hand and a French press with fresh-brewed coffee in the other. He set them down on the table before sitting down in the space between Victor and Soledad, as if this was where he was meant to be, all of them threads in the same cloth. </p><p>They chatted idly while they ate, Victor and Benji knocking elbows as they cast each other side-long glances, making Soledad roll her eyes. She chuckled at them despite herself; even though Victor had annoyed her ever since he had broken up with Benji, maybe she could give him a chance and forgive him, too. But she was watching him.</p><p>“So, Benji… you prepared all this on your own?” Victor asked gently after taking a bite of pancakes, eyes crinkling at the corners. Making pancakes for himself just wasn’t the same.</p><p>“Yeah… I hope you like it,” Benji said, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.</p><p>“It’s delicious,” Victor replied, beaming. He took another bite.</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said, eyes shining as he and Victor shared a moment of simply holding each other’s gazes. </p><p>Chuckling as he broke eye contact, Benji took another bite of his avocado toast before sipping a bit of tea. </p><p>“Benji wouldn’t let us touch anything,” Soledad mused, “which is probably for the better because I definitely would have fucked something up. Too bad Ish isn’t here, though, he’s good at this sort of thing, too. You’d have let him help.”</p><p>Victor paused mid-chew, limbs tensing. His eyes darted between Benji, who was giving Soledad the most venomous death glare, and Soledad, who was smirking as she took a long gulp of coffee. The atmosphere in the room suddenly became very uncomfortable, the air oppressive, the tension palpable and sticky like a wall of gelatin between them. </p><p>“Soledad, can you not?” Benji said, gritting his teeth. </p><p>“What? I’m just saying.”</p><p>“I thought we agreed not to discuss… <em> him </em>.”</p><p>“Fine, fine. Sorry,” Soledad replied with a click of her tongue. </p><p>Falling silent for a moment, Benji took a deep breath before exhaling. Victor rested his hand on the middle of Benji’s back. </p><p>“Are you okay?” Victor whispered in his ear so as to not draw attention from the others.</p><p>“Mhm. I just didn’t want him to come up because… well, it’s uncomfortable as fuck and honestly pretty embarrassing. Reminds me of a huge mistake I made,” Benji whispered back, blinking a few times to clear his eyes.</p><p>“If it’s any consolation, I’m not upset about it anymore. Like, it was shocking to hear at first, but I’m over it.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Victor’s lips curled up slightly. “Yeah. It’s in the past now, anyway.”</p><p>“True. Thanks for being so understanding,” Benji replied with a nod. </p><p>“What are you two whispering about over there?” Soledad asked, eyebrows raised. “Care to share with the class?”</p><p>“Not that it’s any of your business, but we were just having a little argument over whether Lady Gaga or Beyoncé is more iconic,” Victor quipped.</p><p>“Oh, Beyoncé, <em> obviously </em>,” Soledad replied without missing a beat.</p><p>“<em>Thank you </em> ,” Victor replied, smacking himself in the forehead. “That’s what <em> I </em> was saying.”</p><p>Glancing at Victor from the corner of his eye, Benji couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face, his pointed teeth glinting in the late morning light. Soledad giggled even though she was trying not to.</p><p>“Okay, okay. I hate you less now knowing that information,” Soledad said, dabbing at her face with a napkin. </p><p>“Thanks?” Victor replied, eyebrow quirked as he chuckled, too.</p><p>Their brunch continued onward with far less tension than before, the cloud that had descended earlier dissipating, leaving clean air in its wake. Once they finished, Victor offered to help with cleaning up as a means of saying thank you for the meal and hospitality. Benji breathed a sigh of relief that Victor had charmed his way into his friends’ hearts -- even Soledad’s, her tough exoskeleton sloughing off and refusing to harden as she and Victor continued their banter while he washed dishes. </p><p>Once Victor had finished, Benji invited him to his room, which Victor eagerly accepted. </p><p>“I finally cleaned up a bit because it was getting a bit hard to move around in here,” Benji explained as he pushed open the door to his room and stepped aside for Victor to enter before him.</p><p>“This is clean?” Victor teased as he took in the paintings and messy scrawled compositions Benji had placed on his desk and wherever there was room for them.</p><p>Benji rolled his eyes as he sat down on his bed. “Haha. I made the bed, at least. You can sit down if you want.”</p><p>Victor hummed as he examined the paintings in more detail. They were mostly landscapes, many of them of different views of an island which Victor recognized from Benji’s Instagram. </p><p>“These are from the Canary Islands, right? I may have stalked your Instagram while we were broken up and I’m not really proud of it...”</p><p>“I did the same thing… But yeah. I kinda got in the habit of painting scenery to… take my mind off things. Since I was supposed to be trying to get over being dumped by my muse,” Benji replied, but there was no bitterness in his voice.</p><p>Heart fluttering, Victor turned to face Benji before sitting beside him on the bed, leaving a few inches of space between them. “You definitely got better. I guess it’s true what they say… that pain fuels creativity.”</p><p>“Mmm, not always. I like a lot of the stuff I created when I got… <em> happier </em>. The emo stuff isn’t always better, just different. I have a bunch of songs I composed when I was supposed to be doing homework, too. But a lot of them are… really self indulgent.”</p><p>“It’s good that you’re happier now, though. And sometimes it’s beneficial to do something self-indulgent for your own sake, just because you want to, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess. Being an artist is so weird… Like on one hand, we’re supposed to produce work for other people to consume, but on the other, we’re encouraged to create what we like and it’s like… how do you compromise these ideas without feeling like what you’re doing is meaningless? I feel like that’s been one of my major struggles. Not just as an artist but in… being alive.”</p><p>“That does sound frustrating,” Victor acknowledged, stroking his facial hair as he thought. “I wish I could give you an answer that made sense.”</p><p>“The best I’ve got is ‘art for art’s sake’ and I’m trying to be okay with that… when you try to find meaning in everything it can be a bit disappointing.”</p><p>“True. I’m at the point where I’ve just… stopped trying to find out what things mean. Sometimes the universe is shit and nothing truly means anything. Maybe there’s no grand design. But it doesn’t matter. Because it’s not up to the universe, it’s up to us to define things for ourselves.”</p><p>“This got deep really fast,” Benji mused. “Kinda heavy stuff for a post-brunch chat.”</p><p>“Okay, fine, I may have just finished reading <em> No Exit </em>, maybe that’s why.”</p><p>“Nerd.”</p><p>“Why don’t you read some works by 20th century existentialist philosophers and maybe you’ll calm down.”</p><p>Knocking his knee against Victor’s, Benji laughed softly to himself. “I still stand by my initial assessment that you’re a huge nerd.”</p><p>Chuckling, Victor slid a bit closer to Benji, watching as Benji mirrored him. They shifted a bit, leaning up against the wall to get more comfortable. Silence fell between them for a moment, but it felt natural. </p><p>“Hey, Vic,” Benji said after a moment, catching sight of himself in the mirror as he rested his head on the wall close to Victor’s shoulder, staring at him. </p><p>“Yeah? What’s up?”</p><p>“Can you take some pictures of me? Just like, on my own.”</p><p>Victor’s eyes widened, eyebrows shooting into his hairline. Benji was usually reluctant to be photographed for his own sake, so this was unexpected to Victor; but he would never be upset about having more photos of Benji, so he agreed immediately. </p><p>“Sure. Anything in particular you had in mind?”</p><p>“Mmm… no just... how I am now is fine. I’ve never seen myself in like, a candid photo with no preparation. For some reason I’m just.... Feelin’ myself. Maybe it’s what you said about like… creating our own meaning or something.”</p><p>Grinning, Victor took out his phone and opened up the camera app, directing the camera at Benji’s face as he sat beside him on the bed, the afternoon light -- which had replaced the dark grey from the rain clouds for the moment -- illuminating him from behind as if he were some otherworldly being exiting the heavens. Victor blinked, pushing the thought away. He didn’t need the fantasy; reality was already so much better.</p><p>Snapping a few photos of Benji curled up beside him in his burgundy knit sweater, face placid like the surface of a frozen lake, hair tousled with some strands falling into his eyes, Victor then handed his phone to Benji so he could examine his handiwork. Raising his eyebrows as he went through the gallery, Benji exhaled quietly. “I… can’t find anything wrong with any of these.”</p><p>“Were you expecting to?” Victor asked, sliding closer to Benji so their shoulders made contact. Benji leaned into his touch, turning his head to look at Victor but pausing, breath hitching in his throat when he realized the proximity to Victor’s lips, which were an inch away for now. Benji swallowed.</p><p>“Umm… I was. I always remember looking terrible. Or at least, I didn’t like how I looked when I was photographed, especially close-ups. But these look… really good. I’m still shook. I usually just take them quickly and send them without actually looking at them because I usually hate them but… Is it weird for me to say that I’m actually good looking?”</p><p>“I’m glad you like them,” Victor whispered, eyes warm and shining with adoration as he gazed upon Benji’s face, the other still staring at his phone with a puzzled expression. “For the record, I agree with your assessment that you definitely <em> are </em>good looking. Gorgeous, in fact. But I’m glad you’re seeing that for yourself.”</p><p>Benji smiled a soft, content smile as he raised his own pupils to Victor. Hearing what he finally knew to be true, something that he could actually believe, warmed Benji’s heart. He could feel the glow permeate his veins, pushing out the tar of self-hatred and replacing it with the oxygen of self-love. While he didn’t need Victor’s affirmation, he liked hearing it, and he wanted to hear more of it. </p><p>“Thank you,” Benji replied, beaming. “Can you send these to me?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll do that now.”</p><p>Victor did as Benji asked before setting his phone aside and resting his hand in his lap as he simply observed Benji, who glanced at him from the corner of his eye before shifting to face him directly, letting the side of his head rest against the wall. They allowed their gazes to linger for some time in comfortable silence, breathing in unison, their bodies already connected if only at the shoulders; if either of them raised their hands from their laps, they could connect their fingers again with one movement alone. But they didn’t. </p><p>“So, I’m gonna paint…” Benji said, clapping his hands on his knees as he rose from his seat. “I just had a sudden burst of inspiration.”</p><p>“Wait!”</p><p>Pausing his stride, Benji turned to face him. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Are you free next week on like… Saturday morning? Say… 11?”</p><p>“Why? Y’askin’ me on a date?”</p><p>“It depends on what you want it to be… Do you want it to be a date or just two friends spending the day together?” </p><p>Biting his lip, Benji thought about it, not even trying to suppress the grin that spread across his face at this point. He sat down beside Victor again. “I want it to be a date. We could have… first date, 2.0, London edition. <em> And </em>I can show you around the area. It’s really pretty, generally, but especially at night. And I don’t know if you noticed but it gets dark at like 4 o’clock.”</p><p>“That would be awesome,” Victor emitted a breathy chuckle, setting his hand down next to Benji on the bed, a silent invitation. “I’m glad we have time now.”</p><p>“Yeah… you’re right. Me, too.”</p><p>“Is kissing still off the table?” Victor asked, shifting so that his nose hovered a centimeter from Benji’s, eyes cast down as he fixed his stare on the other’s soft, pink lips. </p><p>Benji’s eyelids fluttered closed; he didn’t hear any movement beside him, but he could sense Victor’s citrus and berry breath hitting his face. </p><p>“We haven’t even gone on our first date yet.”</p><p>Victor bit his lip, pulling back a bit as Benji’s eyes peeled open slightly and his head tipped to the side. </p><p>“So… next week…” Victor murmured as Benji leaned against his side, finally resting his head on Victor’s shoulder and letting his hair fall in his face. Victor’s lip curled up as he gazed into Benji’s eyes, breath hitching in his throat. “I’m excited.”</p><p>“Same,” Benji breathed. If he leaned just a few millimeters to the side…</p><p>Swallowing, Victor looked away, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove himself from Benji’s vicinity. </p><p>“Can I watch you work?” Victor asked, trying to change the subject again. It had been too long since he had gotten to watch Benji in action.</p><p>“I’d like that, just… don’t distract me with your face, please,” Benji said as he leapt up from the bed and grabbed his supplies, spreading it out on the floor in front of his mirror.</p><p>Wrinkling his nose as he followed, Victor snorted. “I can’t really help what my face looks like.”</p><p>“That’s not what I mean and you know it…”</p><p>“What do you mean, then?” Victor asked, sitting down beside Benji on the floor. </p><p>“Hmm… I kinda wanna do watercolors for this one, actually…” Benji murmured, glancing around his room in search of water and cups.</p><p>“Do what feels right.”</p><p>Rummaging around in one of the corners of his room, Benji then returned, plopping down beside Victor again. He set his phone down on the opposite side of him, turning on some relaxing instrumental music. “What I mean is that you breathing and existing near me will make me want to paint you again.”</p><p>“Yeah I was meaning to ask about that, actually. Because you used to almost exclusively paint portraits. The last one I saw was that one you painted in like… February. What happened?”</p><p>Benji bristled a bit, falling silent for a moment as he set a piece cloth down on the floor, followed by a piece of watercolor paper on top. He sketched quickly with a pencil while glancing at himself in the mirror every so often.</p><p>“Well, I was going through bad withdrawal and started spending more time on my own, trying to get used to it. Because I wanted to stop focusing so much on other people, I guess. I don’t know… but you were the last actual human being I painted. Plus, nature is just… there. It doesn’t expect anything of you and you always know where you stand.”</p><p>Victor nodded, pondering Benji’s words. “Now I feel a bit bad for asking if I could have that painting.”</p><p>“I mean, it doesn’t matter ‘cause I destroyed it,” Benji murmured, holding up the paper and comparing it to what he saw in the mirror.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Why do you think?”</p><p>“Because it reminded you of me?”</p><p>“That, and looking at it made me want to kill myself.”</p><p>Lip quivering, Victor stared at Benji, whose gaze was focused on correcting his work. He had said this so nonchalantly that Victor if Victor hadn’t been paying attention, he would have thought Benji was talking about the weather. </p><p>“Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal anymore,” Benji added, noting Victor’s apprehension. “Haven’t been for a while.”</p><p>Letting out a sigh of relief, Victor slid a bit closer to Benji on the floor, letting their shoulders touch again. </p><p>“I’m glad you’re still here.”</p><p>“Me, too. And please don’t worry about me. I don’t mean that in the ‘I’m saying I’m fine but I’m not really fine’ way, but genuinely. Things are under control.”</p><p>A stray lock of hair fell in Benji’s face as he bit his lip, deep in the throes of creative fury. Victor tucked it behind Benji’s ear, leaning on his hand and simply observing. Glancing at him from the corner of his eye, Benji smirked as he began mixing his paints and applying the color to paper.</p><p>Victor always liked watching Benji work, because he would lose track of all forms of social etiquette, allowing himself to simply exist without the anxiety over being observed and perceived by others. It was the time when he was most himself, the most liberated and free from the bonds of social control and expectations. He understood why Benji chose to create. Tipping his head to the side, Victor wondered what it must be like to view oneself from the outside in order to create one’s own likeness; he had never had a particularly creative mind for that.</p><p>When Benji finished, holding up the completed and still damp painting of himself, sat before his mirror, simply as he was, he searched for flaws as he always did, and, once again, found none. Blinking, he signed and dated the piece with a marker in the corner and clipped it to the wall to dry. </p><p>“It’s so weird not nitpicking myself for silly things,” Benji said as he cleaned up his supplies and shoved them back in the stash in his desk. “I know it sounds bizarre but being comfortable with myself is something that’s definitely going to take some getting used to. When you get so used to external validation it’s like... the stuff that used to hurt just… doesn’t anymore.”</p><p>“That’s called growth,” Victor replied with a smile. “And as usual, your painting is amazing. Probably the best one you’ve done to date.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Benji replied genuinely, no longer feeling the need to add a “but it’s actually shit” to the end of the statement.</p><p>They were once again only inches from each other’s faces, sharing a moment of unbreakable eye contact again. At this point it had grown dark outside.</p><p>“I had a lot of fun with you today,” Benji acknowledged, breaking the silence as he stood up and stretched. “Even though you mostly just sat there and watched me. I hope it was fun for you, too.”</p><p>“Yeah, I had fun, too. And I love any excuse to spend time with you and see you in your element. I should probably go, though.”</p><p>Benji blushed, offering Victor a hand and helping him up. They exited Benji’s room and wandered down the corridor, through the empty living room and to the foyer. Victor dressed himself, taking his time as he and Benji chatted. There was no need to prolong the moment, though; they would see each other soon.</p><p>Once Victor had dressed himself and slipped into his shoes, they embraced once again, parting easily this time.</p><p>“See you next week, Vic,” Benji said, opening the door for Victor and letting in the cool air from outside, shivering.</p><p>“G’night, B. See you soon.”</p><p>And with that, Victor disappeared into the night to catch the train. When Benji closed the door, he pressed his back up against it and sighed, biting his lip as a small smile threatened to overtake his face, growing with each new thought of what would come next week. </p><p>He checked the clock on the wall in the living room as he shuffled into the kitchen again. It was time for dinner.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading and supporting once again. I'm really blessed to have written this work and I hope you've all had a good time on this journey with me and will continue to enjoy it. As I said, it's just going to be a lot of fun and silliness and talking and just... Venji making up for the time they didn't get to be together over those past several months. I'm really curious to hear ya'll's thoughts on this chapter and how things are progressing. I really hope you enjoyed it and are looking forward to the later parts. Finally, 1 comment = 1 Venji learning to trust each other again and just having a good and healthy time!!! See you next Wednesday! :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Resurrection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji go on their second first date.</p><p>Here's the playlist to listen to along with the story. Enjoy!</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, welcome back to another instalment of this story. I hope you're enjoying things so far and that you continue to enjoy the story up until the end. I appreciate you all very much for your support as usual. This is probably another moment ya'll have been waiting for!! Their first date!! How exciting! This is by far the longest chapter of the story I have written (and I have one chapter left to write) and so understandably I put a lot of effort into this. It was a labor of love. So I hope you enjoy it! It was fun for me to write as every chapter tends to be lol. Anyway, read on!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji rummaged through his closet with the weather application open on his phone, “Pretty Much” by tobi lou playing from the speaker, trying to figure out what to wear. As was the case with most days in London, finding the perfect outfit showed itself to be an impossible task. Pair that with the fact that he had a date, and that complicated things even further. He wasn’t concerned with impressing Victor at this point, the need to please him much farther down the list than it had been before; but he wanted to dress appropriately for his own sake -- mostly so he wouldn’t sweat or freeze. Sighing, Benji picked up his phone to text Victor.</p><p>“<em>I</em><em> know you want to surprise me but could you give me a hint at least so I can figure out what to wear? 🥺💖” </em>Benji wrote. He pressed send and set his phone down on the desk.</p><p>Picking up the eyeliner pencil from his desk, he plopped down in front of the mirror and started drawing as he waited for Victor to reply to his message. He’d finally bought his own eyeliner because he felt bad constantly mooching off Soledad even though she insisted she didn’t have a problem with him borrowing her stuff. And he’d gotten more confident in his ability to draw neat lines on his own face, even the very act of applying makeup becoming more of a meditation than anything else. Once he threw the neurotic need for perfection out the window, the task became something akin to breathing. </p><p>The song changed to “The Bargain Store” by the legend herself, Dolly Parton, and Benji muttered a “Yes, that’s that good shit” under his breath as he proceeded to sing along. </p><p><em> My life is like unto a bargain store<br/>
</em> <em> And I may have just what you're lookin' for<br/>
</em> <em> If you don't mind the fact that all the merchandise is used<br/>
</em> <em> But with a little mending it could be as good as new </em></p><p><em> Why you take for instance this old broken heart<br/>
</em> <em>If you will just replace the missing parts</em><br/>
<em> You would be surprised to find how good it really is<br/>
Take it and you never will be sorry that you did</em></p><p>A knock at the door startled Benji from his task. His hand slipped. And he messed up the words to the song.</p><p><em>“Fuck</em>,” he cursed to himself. He ended up with a zigzag that ran into his hairline. Benji called: “Come in.”</p><p>Soledad barged into the room. “How’s your prep for your date going?”</p><p>“It was going all right til you showed you,” Benji grinned to cover up his frustration. He grabbed a tissue from atop the shelf beside him. “I have to re-do this now. <em> And </em>I have to restart this song because I messed up the words.”</p><p>“Eh, don’t worry about it. Happens all the time,” Soledad said with a wave. She sat down on the bed behind him. </p><p>“I know, but it’s still annoying,” Benji said with a roll of his eyes.</p><p>“True, true. You’re not going like <em> that, </em> are you?” Soledad said, motioning to his current outfit comprised of sweats and a loose dark sweater.</p><p>Benji redrew the line around his eye. “Yes, I’m <em> definitely </em>going to wear these on my second first date with the love of my life. Because I don’t care about how I look at all.”</p><p>Soledad giggled. “Then what <em> are </em>you wearing? I’m surprised you’re so calm about this.”</p><p>Finishing up lining his eyes, Benji put the pencil down. “I--”</p><p>As if on cue, Benji’s phone vibrated, cutting him off. He grabbed it.</p><p>“So I asked Vic to give me a hint on where he’s taking me… Now that I think about it I really should be the one planning this since I actually know where stuff is but I can plan the next one,” Benji mused. “Anyway, here’s what he said: ‘<em> Okay, fair. Dress comfortably because we’re gonna be moving around a bit. But that’s all I’ll say 😘🤭 ’” </em></p><p>“In that case you could go like that, then,” Soledad teased, dodging the pillow Benji tossed in her direction. “Doesn’t matter, anyway, because in the end all men are the same. You guys just wanna see people naked.”</p><p>Benji rolled his eyes, rising from the floor and sitting beside her on the bed. “We do <em> not. </em> And Victor’s <em> definitely </em> not like that.”</p><p>“You do remember how you told me in <em> great detail </em> about what you two would get up to in the bedroom, right? Er, <em> got </em>into. Past tense. I remember it all,” Soledad said, eyes bulging as she tapped her forehead with her finger dramatically.</p><p>Blushing slightly, Benji cleared his throat. “Nothing is gonna happen for a while… First I have to tell him about the whole ‘antidepressants making me not want to have sex ninety percent of the time’ thing. Like I know he’ll understand, obviously, and we can spend time with each other without fucking but… it’s not the same when you choose not to do something versus not having the choice, you feel?”</p><p>“Totally. I’m sure there are ways around it, though. Sometimes you just need to be creative and patient, though,” Soledad replied, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Just take your time. Sometimes you just have to like… work into things slowly. Give yourself a chance to warm up.”</p><p>“Hmm… good point. Thanks,” Benji said as he rose from the bed and stood before his open closet. </p><p>He peered inside, rummaging through his clothes again. Throwing caution to the wind, he snatched the first shirt he saw, which turned out to be a loose opaque cosmic-print button-up with puffy sleeves and splashes of blacks, purples, and whites. He took off his sweater, tossed it aside, and put on the shirt, leaving several of the top buttons undone.</p><p>“Gross! Warn me next time!” Soledad teased, holding her hand up in front of her face. </p><p>Benji chuckled as he eyed himself in the mirror quickly before running a hand through his hair to fix it. He was pleased with it looking a bit messy. Once he got it to lay right, he opened the window before spraying a bit of hairspray. </p><p>“You look nice,” Soledad remarked. “Hope you don’t get cold in that, though, or you’ll freeze your tits off.”</p><p>“I’m gonna wear a jacket over it,” Benji said as he returned to his closet. “But I should probably also do some shopping at some point… Who would have thought that Victor would become more fashionable than me?”</p><p>“Right? Okay, I was actually surprised when he came over the other day because he didn’t look like… well, a jock. If I liked men and didn’t have a girlfriend I would definitely go for him, too. He got so fine.”</p><p>Shaking his head and grinning, Benji slid into a pair of tight black trousers that accentuated the curve of his ass just how he liked it. He tucked his shirt into the front and examined himself in the mirror. Yeah, he looked hot.</p><p>“That’s probably the gayest I’ve seen you look in a while. Work!” Soledad said as she snapped her fingers.</p><p>“Thank you, thank you,” Benji said with a mock bow. </p><p>Picking up his phone and checking the time, he almost dropped it when he saw that the screen said “10:55”. Victor would be there at any moment. He shoved his phone in his pocket before throwing his jacket on and buttoning it up. Checking himself in the mirror one last time as he tied his scarf around his neck, Benji smiled. He patted his coat pockets to ensure he had his keys and wallet, and followed Soledad out of his room after shutting off the lights.</p><p>“Have fun,” Soledad said as she wandered down the corridor to the foyer. “Text me if you need anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I also have a date. My girlfriend and I are visiting each other’s islands on <em>Animal Crossing</em>.”</p><p>“Nice. Remind me that I have some DIYs to give you when I get back,” Benji replied with a soft smile as he stepped into and laced up his red combat boots that had a bit of a platform because he liked to be taller. “Ya’ll have fun, too.”</p><p>Benji sighed and opened the door. No more wasting time.</p><p>--------------------------------------</p><p>Victor had never put that much thought into how he dressed. He was used to throwing something on without too much contemplation. But having to put in the effort to not look like an unfashionable straight guy and to be a little bit more experimental with his fashion was… not going well, to put it lightly. </p><p>He was still learning what looked good, mixing colors and patterns to see which ones he liked. That was one thing he struggled with, though; he didn’t have the best eye for what was considered fashionable -- not simply from an outfit construction perspective but from a spatial and artistic one, as well. He didn’t know why he was putting so much effort into it, truthfully. They were just clothes, after all. </p><p>And even though he knew how much one’s appearance could make or break a man, he also knew it was superficial if there was no substance beneath it. Clothing as a mode of self-expression was something Victor still needed to come to terms with. He’d spent too much of his time looking at function over form; but he was slowly learning that these two concepts could coexist. </p><p>Sighing, Victor wrinkled his nose as he carded through his clothes again. All he could do at this point was throw something together and hope it worked. That had been his modus operandi lately; after all, he had nothing to prove. He pulled out a mesh undershirt, a long, black asymmetrical sweater that could have also functioned as a dress and a pair of trousers, taking his own advice to wear something comfortable. It made him feel kind of like a ninja, which he appreciated. There was also something a little risqué about wearing mesh, which he had never really done before aside from for the occasional drag show with Benji. </p><p>Smiling and finger-gunning in the mirror, Victor fixed his hair, smoothing it out of his face and put some product in so his curls didn’t look like a nest with no defining characteristics. Now that he mentioned it, maybe a haircut was in order… He liked how it looked currently but it was a bit of a pain in the ass to maintain, he realized. </p><p>It had been over a month since he’d left Atlanta to come to London, he remembered. But he felt like he had been there far longer. He had always found adapting to change felt to him akin to a hermit crab coming across a shell that had been discarded and making it its home by simply injecting itself into it, and this was no exception. </p><p>The first few weeks had definitely required a bit of adjustment -- to the cramped living conditions, the population density, actually having to use public transportation and to figure out the routes (thank goodness for Citymapper). But Victor felt like he learned something new about the city every day, and would probably continue to unearth new secrets about it for years to come.</p><p>To say that he was happy to only be studying and going to therapy would be an understatement; not having any responsibilities, being able to focus on his schoolwork and most importantly, not having to deal with any legal obligations, felt like someone had lifted the yoke off him and tossed it down a mountain into the gorge below, never to be seen again. It gave him the chance to focus more on a couple of things and even to take some time to relax and go out, which he hadn’t really done much back in Atlanta with all his other responsibilities and injuries. </p><p>Unsurprisingly to everyone, Victor had made friends easily in London. His experience coming to Atlanta years ago had shown him that he could, and he carried that with him, an implantation in his heart like a small tree whose leaves stayed green, never losing their color or threatening to blow away with the wind. Even his roommate, Xavier, who had been shy at first when around him and who Victor was convinced hated him for some reason, had eventually come around, and they had grown quite close over the past few weeks. </p><p>They regularly played<em> Fortnite </em> and <em> League of Legends </em>together when they had time outside of school and homework. Victor was surprised to find that he was even into basketball and was fairly good at it, too, so he had someone to shoot hoops with at one of the many nearby courts. And from there, he had made even more friends, and so his circle continued to grow. </p><p>It was difficult to feel lonely, and he normally felt at ease, but in those rare moments of quiet, he couldn’t help the gnawing at his soul, the slow chipping away at him, his circle not fully round or complete because a huge chunk of it was missing and lopsided.</p><p>Victor slipped into a black leather bomber jacket lined with grey faux fur and zipped it up. It was strange seeing himself trying to look fashionable and actually kind of succeeding at the task. But he also barely recognized himself; was he being authentic? He wasn’t sure. Some changes were easier to stomach than others. </p><p>Adjusting his sleeves, Victor gave himself a final once-over, wondering how he’d ended up with such a dark wardrobe but not mad about it, before slipping into his leather ankle boots and zipping them up all the way. Finally, he felt put together. As an act of finality, Victor raised his gaze to the painting he’d taken from his room at home, which now hung in its new spot on his wall, two pairs of eyes seeming to follow him as he moved.</p><p>He exited his flat and felt the cool electric shock of the early November air. That’s right. It was November, Victor realized. Last year at this time, he and Benji had no longer been together. He swallowed that thought away, forcing himself to think of better things. It hadn’t gone well but it had been necessary. As much as he had struggled to heal both physically and psychologically, what he had learned, and what he saw Benji had learned, too, had been worth the time apart. They were both in better places than they had been before. And he was grateful for that.</p><p>The wind whipped the hanging pieces of cloth of his sweater like crows’ feathers as they flew through the sky, adjusting their angle to get the right amount of air flow and control their movements. He shook his hair from his face as he entered the Underground station at Warren Street, putting his headphones on as he hopped on the escalator. </p><p>It was prime time for people to be out, the station packed with the final throngs of tourists chattering to each other in tongues that sounded foreign to him, their tones stroking his eardrums but ultimately falling away from his brain cells into incomprehension. He slid his hands into his pockets as he ran down the steps; he couldn’t be bothered to stand and wait. </p><p>When he arrived on the platform, hopping into a carriage on the southbound train of the Victoria line, he realized he had forgotten to press play on his music. He leaned against the thin plastic divider between the seats and the door, scrolling through his music to find something to listen to. He only had a few stops before he got to Green Park and would have to transfer, but the sound of the carriages banging together like poppers on a blacktop made him uneasy. </p><p>As the carriage filled up again, Victor figured that it was a Beyoncé sort of day and selected “Countdown” from his playlist. Once the train got to the next stop, he exited the carriage, taking the trek through the tunnels and hopping onto the Piccadilly line westward to South Kensington station. The rest of the trip passed quietly as he let himself focus on the music as he thought about how Benji’s hair felt under his fingers, the sensation of those silken tresses unforgettable to Victor’s flesh. </p><p>Once Victor climbed the stairs out of the Underground and to the road above, he checked his phone again. 10:54. If he walked fast he would make it on time. So he booked it toward Benji’s flat, knowing the route by heart. </p><p>He arrived a moment before he had expected to. Stepping toward the door, Victor raised his hand...</p><p>… And Benji opened the door to find Victor almost falling forward onto him, mid-knock.</p><p>“Hey, Vic,” Benji said, surprised. He checked his phone. 11 on the dot. “You’re… exactly on time.”</p><p>Victor straightened up, removing his head phones and clearing his throat. He smiled as he made room for Benji to exit his flat. “Oh, hey, Benji. I wasn’t sure how long the trains would take so I left a bit earlier just in case.”</p><p>Running a hand through his curly dark hair, Victor couldn’t stop his lips from pulling upward as he eyed Benji up and down in the late morning light. He admired Benji’s ability to look effortlessly fashionable <em> and </em>to pull off eyeliner. Benji mirrored his action, biting his lip as his eyes twinkled.  </p><p>“That’s an interesting outfit,” Benji remarked, playing with a piece of fabric from Victor’s sweater. </p><p>“You think so?” Victor said as he grinned, gazing at him as if he never wanted to look away. “Thanks. I’m trying something a bit different these days. I think I might finally be onto something… But you look… <em> wow. </em>Amazing as always.”</p><p>“Thank you...”</p><p>Heart hammering in his ears, Benji couldn’t help but smile, too, as he moved his hand from the fabric of Victor’s sweater to his sleeves, dragging downward until skin caressed skin. Victor tipped his head to the side as he took Benji’s hand, stepping closer to the other, their faces an inch from each other. They stood like that for a moment, gazing at each other, pulse in sync, as Victor took both Benji’s hands in his own. On the pavement beside them, the occasional group of youths passed by, chattering about nothing important and not paying them any mind.</p><p>The smell of wood traipsed into Benji’s lungs and he wondered if Victor had remembered after all this time that he had loved the forest, how it had reminded him not just of home but of some of his greatest treasured memories. He thought of all those times spent in the mountains as a boy, when times were simpler and sweeter, and when he didn’t have to bear the weight of his own mind on his back. </p><p>But he was getting back there slowly. And when Victor looked at him in that moment, the sensation of the earth and leaves and bark whispering against his insides, he realized he had been at peace all along. He had just wanted someone to share it with. Not someone. <em> Victor… </em></p><p>Looking away for a moment, Benji pulled away ever so slightly. He returned his gaze to Victor’s face, swallowing. There was nothing he wanted more in the world than to kiss him where he stood. </p><p>“Victor…” Benji breathed, eyes fluttering closed. “I know I was… adamant about waiting til after our first date before we kissed… But I don’t want to wait any longer.” </p><p>A small smile played at Victor’s lips before he spoke. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“I mean… I trust you a lot more now. And I don’t feel insecure or like you’re going to leave me again. What I was feeling for you before… that wasn’t love. Or at least, it wasn’t healthy. I was too afraid to lose you to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And honestly, it made me deny a lot of things that I deserved, too.”</p><p>Brushing away some stray hair that had fallen into Benji’s face, Victor cupped the other’s cheek, stroking the soft skin he found there. He knew what he meant. Benji let his eyes fall open again ever so slightly as he rested his hand over Victor’s, interlacing their fingers, and he gazed at him, unwavering.</p><p>“I’m glad I could prove myself to you,” Victor said, stepping closer again. “How are you feeling now?”</p><p>“Well… I <em> feel </em> like I’ve never wanted to kiss someone so badly in my life. But I’m scared that if I do, all those feelings I’ve been trying to work through are gonna come back…” </p><p>“That makes sense. And I feel the same way, honestly. What can I do to help?”</p><p>“Just… give me a second. Because I wanna do it anyway. Or else I’m gonna explode.”</p><p>With a moment’s hesitation, Benji closed the gap between them, threading his other hand through Victor’s hair. He pressed himself flush against Victor’s chest, melting against him as Victor wrapped his arm around his back, pressing Benji’s shoulder blades against the wall gently for support. The kiss was slow at first, a budding sprout that soon germinated into a white and green stem planted firmly in the earth. Benji gasped into Victor’s mouth as a lone tear trailed down his cheek, a rivulet staining the stone of his face. What a relief. The placidity that descended upon him refused to waver. And with that, his mind went blank. All he could think about was that moment, about how he was learning what Victor’s lips felt like against his own, about what his skin felt like under his hands, and what his body felt like molded against his own like two plates compressed along a fault -- all for the second time. </p><p>Benji pulled away, letting his head fall back against the wall as his eyes closed and he breathed, the smile plastered to his face. </p><p>“How do you feel now?” Victor asked again, resting his forehead against Benji’s as he eyed him with a sparkle in his irises.</p><p>“Calm,” Benji replied almost immediately. He added with a chuckle, “but also uh… I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle your facial hair. It kinda scratched me all over <em> my </em>face… How ‘bout you?”</p><p>Victor giggled to himself, pressing his lips together into a line. “I feel like I’m walking on air.”</p><p>He pulled Benji closer to him once more and planted a soft peck on his lips, making an effort not to scrape Benji’s smooth skin with his facial hair. Rolling his eyes as he pulled away, Benji shook his head in exasperation. Victor asked: “Is that better?”</p><p>“I mean, I guess. It’s probably something I just have to get used to, though.”</p><p>“Then I can shave it.”</p><p>“<em>No! </em>No... It looks hot.”</p><p>“Hmm… I guess I’ll have to think about it, then. You make a compelling case,” Victor teased, taking a step back from Benji and leaving some space between them. “But we should get going. It’ll probably get crowded soon.”</p><p>“Where are we going?” Benji asked as he hopped off the stoop, lacing his fingers together with Victor’s. He realized a moment later that he didn’t know which direction they were headed in.</p><p>“So, I’m not sure if you know this already but London has <em> free </em>museums. I know I should have asked you this before but… Please say you haven’t gone to the Natural History Museum.”</p><p>“Yeah, I knew that. But actually, now that you mention it, I haven’t been. Never really had the time,” Benji said. “You just wanna go to see the --”</p><p>“Dinosaurs!” they said simultaneously, breaking out into a fit of laughter as they walked to the pavement. </p><p>“Okay, that sounds good. It’s just down the road. What did you wanna do after that?”</p><p>“Well I did wanna keep it a surprise but… I wanted us to go ice skating. There’s a rink just outside the museum and it looks cute.”</p><p>Benji felt his face grow warm. He was good at most things and he never wanted to knock anything before he tried it at least once. But he had a feeling this wouldn’t go well. He made a face as they started walking in the direction of the museum, passing by the occasional group of tourists who seemed to be minding their business, some lowering their gazes to the two men’s joined hands but otherwise not making much of a fuss. </p><p>“That sounds… well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before but I’m willing to try. I probably should stop assuming that the worst will happen, though, so I’m going in with no expectations.”</p><p>“Cool. That’s the spirit.”</p><p>They walked the short route to the museum,  passing by the bare trees, with Benji occasionally pointing out the various restaurants and coffee shops and other museums and historic landmarks that they passed along the way, the high council housing blocks and estates visible in the distance behind the refurbished white facades of the flats that lined the road they walked on. As they made their journey, they chatted easily about more mindless things -- their friends back home and the new ones they’d made in London, general things they’ve been up to, saving the more intense topics for when they weren’t on the move. </p><p>Soon they approached the Victorian-style terracotta façade that had two towers sticking out at the center framing the entrance. The interior contained a massive, long hall flanked by two matching arcades containing wide and long arches, with another arcade containing smaller and thinner arches stacked atop it. At the end of the hall was a grand and ornately decorated staircase that led up to the next level. It looked a bit like the inside of a cathedral, but with metal arches added for support, along with windows along the ceiling to let in more light. The museum was somewhat populated, but still not terribly full, as it had just opened not long before they arrived. </p><p>Benji grabbed one of the maps and opened it, quirking an eyebrow and pausing his stride as he tried to figure out a plan.</p><p>“Obviously we’re leaving the dinosaurs for last,” Benji said, finger trailing around the map as he held it between them so they could both see.</p><p>“To be honest, I’m really just here for the dinosaurs and maybe the rocks,” Victor said, pressing his arm against Benji’s, their faces hovering a bit too close together.</p><p>“We may as well just start on the right side and go around the whole museum because it doesn’t look like there’s <em> that </em> much. I’d give it like two hours, tops.”</p><p>“Sounds like a plan.”</p><p>As they wandered through the museum, they observed the many taxidermy animals on display, separating at times to go at their own pace, before their bodies found each other again, gliding back together, waves pulling back to the ocean from the shore where they belonged. They chatted some more, laughing and joking when they came across a particularly silly looking animal, before, somehow, the subject changed again to something a bit deeper -- therapy, religion, philosophy, wherever the conversation took them. </p><p>Soon they made their way through the hall with a giant blue whale skeleton suspended from the ceiling, snapping a selfie as Benji rested his hand on Victor’s shoulder and stood on his toes to kiss him on the cheek, with Victor wrapping his arm around him. When they finally reached the dinosaur exhibit with Benji leading the way, he looked back and could see Victor excitedly bouncing as he passed him and all but bounded over to the giant Diplodocus skeleton.</p><p>“Move, I’m gay,” Victor muttered to himself as he weaved around some people who were in his way. </p><p>Shaking his head as he followed after Victor, Benji said a few “‘scuse me, sorry”s as he got closer to him. He stood next to Victor as the other simply gazed up at the long, black skeleton that stood frozen in time before he glanced around and went to reach over the barrier, only to have Benji grab his hand with a chuckle.</p><p>“I know you wanna touch the dinosaur, but just hold my hand instead, okay? We don’t wanna get thrown out...”</p><p>Victor glanced from their joined hand to the skeleton to Benji’s face and beamed, before his face morphed into a sly grin. “I guess it’ll have to do.”</p><p>Benji’s eyes crinkled at the corners as they giggled together for a moment, before Benji took Victor’s arm and draped it over him, snuggling closer to him even though the heat was on in the building as he wrapped an arm around the other’s back. Victor held him close, kissing him on the hair and smiling against Benji’s soft tresses as he let out a soft breath through his nose. They stood like that for a moment as people milled about around them; but it was as if they were in their own world, the one hundreds of miles away where the air smelled of salt and the sand warmed from the touch of the sun. </p><p>Soon their attention spans had dwindled and they exited the museum, still draped around each other. It was a bit after one in the afternoon, and they still had plenty of the day for activities. Benji had almost forgotten the plan to go ice skating. He undraped Victor’s arm from him and slipped their hands together instead as they walked down the stairs.</p><p>“All right… it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for,” Victor said, glancing around and squinting before pointing. “I think the ice rink is… <em> oh </em>, just down there.”</p><p>They each got a pair of skates and sat down on one of the benches to lace them up before rising on wobbly legs and making their way to the ice. There were already several people out, but there was enough space for them to avoid them comfortably, and so they stepped out onto the gleaming white surface.</p><p>“You’ve done this before, right?” Benji asked, gripping onto the railing tightly as he watched Victor take an uncertain step before he propelled himself forward with one foot.</p><p>“Mmm… Yeah, but a while back. It’s been like… five years or so.”</p><p>Benji raised an eyebrow as he tried doing the same thing as Victor, letting go of the railing for a moment and letting himself slide slowly, hands out at his sides, feeling as if the ground would rise to meet him if he put them down. Meanwhile, Victor had raced down to the opposite side of the rink, turning abruptly and sending up an icy splash from one of his skates before returning to where he had started from, doing another sharp turn just inches from the wall. He panted.</p><p>“Okay, so I guess I still remember what to do,” Victor remarked, skating beside Benji as he made his way across the ice slowly. “You look like you’re getting the hang of it, too.”</p><p>“Really? I feel like I’m gonna fall over if I go any faster… Can I hold onto you?”</p><p>“Your form is good, you just have to get out of your head… Let your body move on its own. Just trust yourself, okay?” Victor said, offering his hand and letting Benji grip his fingers hard enough to leave bruises behind. “And don’t worry if you fall on your ass a couple times. I know it hurts but… after a while you get used to it, and eventually, you stop falling.”</p><p>Victor was right, Benji realized. He pressed his lips together and let go of his hand, allowing himself to glide faster across the ice, his movements becoming increasingly more confident and certain. He slid past the small pockets of people in the area, making a loop before shooting back toward Victor as the other had done previously. Victor smiled, and Benji couldn’t stop his lips from curling upward, too, as the air hit his face. He became so focused on the high he had gotten from this, that he locked eyes on Victor’s face, not taking into account the fact that he was coming closer and closer to him with each passing second until--</p><p>
  <em> Thwack! </em>
</p><p>Colliding with Victor’s front, he knocked the other down to the ice, his ass colliding with it with a loud <em> smack </em>. Benji landed on top of him with a groan, finding it hard to breathe until he rolled off Victor’s chest. Victor clutched his head and shook it as Benji did the same.</p><p>“You okay?” Benji asked, clenching and unclenching his hand and trying to keep his hands close to himself to avoid the very real and gruesome possibility of someone running over his fingers and slicing them off. </p><p>“Yeah, I’m good. Just a bit shook,” Victor said with a smile. “I’m used to it.”</p><p>Benji sighed in relief as he pushed himself back up, offering a hand to Victor, who winced as he took it. </p><p>“It’s good I didn’t get it in the tail bone,” Victor remarked as he slowly rose to his feet. </p><p>He brushed himself off, knowing he would have some bruises. Benji winced, rubbing his chest where he had come in contact with Victor. He had been lucky that the other’s body had broken his fall. </p><p>“Are you still good to keep going?” Benji asked, stretching a bit as he felt the high he had been on beginning to go down.</p><p>“Of course,” Victor said with a shrug, before he giggled and added, “but it’s also good to uh, pay attention to where you’re going next time, okay? And don’t get distracted by my cute smile.”</p><p>Smacking Victor’s arm, Benji giggled as well. “I’ll be more careful. I don’t wanna end up having to take you to the hospital.”</p><p>Their laughter died down for a moment, the memory of that night a year ago coming back in full force to the front of their minds as if on a reel projected on a screen. Victor looked away, and Benji cleared his throat. </p><p>“We should talk about this,” Benji said, taking Victor’s hand in his own. “Maybe not now but later? When we can actually properly sit down.”</p><p>“You’re right,” Victor replied, gritting his teeth. “We definitely need to.”</p><p>It was as if the fun had been sucked out of the air in that moment, and for a moment, Benji wasn’t sure what Victor was thinking. His lips hung on his face, downturned, and Benji could see the battle raging behind his eyes, as horses took arrows and fell to the earth and soldiers jammed their spears into their opponents, twisting them before plucking them out and leaving them to die.</p><p>“Actually, let’s skate together. We can talk while we do that, okay?” Victor suggested after a moment. “Like, it’s only fair especially since I <em> was </em> the one who… y’know. Dumped you.”</p><p>“I mean, why not? Let’s see how this goes,” Benji replied, swallowing the lump in his throat. No good would come from suppressing it.</p><p>Benji offered Victor his hand, even though he knew he didn’t need it; Victor took it, grateful.</p><p>“You never told me how you got into your accident,” Benji began, falling into a rhythm with Victor as they skated along the wall in a position where they could avoid the tourists around them.</p><p>“Well… you remember how the first semester of freshman year I was so overloaded with schoolwork and therapy and volunteering and all that other bullshit, right.”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember.”</p><p>“So one day, I was coming back from volunteering and it was late and it was raining… and I hadn’t slept well that night and so I was going a bit too fast because I wanted to get home and sleep but instead I… I think I saw something and got distracted and just… drove off the road and hit a tree. The doctors said that if it had been a little bit to the side I would have just… died,” Victor said, steeling his gaze so he wouldn’t cry in front of all the strangers who whizzed by them. Furrowing his brows, Benji squeezed Victor’s hand. This wasn’t a conversation for the ice. </p><p>“Let’s get out of here so we can talk properly,” Benji said gently, directing them back to the edge of the ice so they could sit down. “But I know exactly what you mean.”</p><p>They sat down on the bench, not even bothering with removing their skates.</p><p>When he realized they were alone, Victor allowed himself to cry a bit. He’d spoken about his accident in therapy, but it still gave him chills to think about. “I hated the fact that I would have died… without ever getting to see you again. That was the thing that I was thinking about in that moment. And I loved you… well, I <em> still </em>love you, but it was so exhausting.”</p><p>Sighing, Benji wrapped his arms around Victor and held him as he wept softly, feeling the tears pricking at his own eyes, too. He wished he could have been there to comfort him before, and all those times when Victor had been bearing the world’s problems on his back. But they were together, and they were continuing to work on their own issues. Victor sniffled and sat up, wiping his eyes in his sleeve, then looking to Benji’s face and seeing that his makeup was starting to run. He dabbed at it at first with his sleeve, and then with his fingers to get rid of the residue.</p><p>“Thanks,” Victor said with a smile, turning his head to kiss Benji on the cheek first, and then on the lips, the gentle warmth pooling in his stomach. </p><p>“No problem. It’s good you weren’t like… actually trying to kill yourself. But still is pretty shitty you got injured.”</p><p>“Oh no, I was never suicidal. It actually ended up being a relief. Because I got time to think. To finally relax. And it was kinda nice to have Adrian and Pilar waiting on me hand and foot… literally,” Victor said with a chuckle as he wiped his face again. “But it was also kinda annoying that everyone was pitying me.”</p><p>Benji grinned, cupping Victor’s face. “I guess something good came out of it. But I also kinda wish I had been there to help take care of you. Even if at the end of the day we needed to be apart.”</p><p>Victor shook his head. “I should be the one saying that to you. And I know I said this in my first email to you but… I regret dumping you. I regretted it as soon as I did it, and I still regret it today… But I don’t know if that’s something I can stop feeling, no matter how much therapy I get. I’m glad that I get the chance to start over with you. Being apart gave me a lot of perspective, after all. So that’s the one thing I was actually grateful for. Aside from that and the momentary peace and quiet, though, it wasn’t worth it. I shouldn’t have traded you for that. What I <em> should </em>have done was discuss both of us going to therapy instead of cutting you off.”</p><p>“Maybe you’re right,” Benji said, exhaling loudly as more tears began to leak from his eyes. He knew he must look like a mess. “But we do need to put it behind us. It happened. That’s a fact. Full stop. So where do we go from there?”</p><p>“Good question. It seems the only way we can go is up,” Victor replied, wiping Benji’s face again with his thumbs. “I feel like these sorts of things are gonna happen a lot but as long as we talk about them we can get through it. And I guess a lot of this is gonna be us trying to be okay with our past, using what we learned, and accepting things so we can finally move on -- together this time.”</p><p>“I like that answer.”</p><p>For a moment, they sat there, simply breathing each other in. The sounds of people shrieking and having a laugh seemed to fade away from them again. Above them, the clouds drifted like glaciers floating on the water. It was a surprisingly beautiful day by London standards, and being outside was a blessing.</p><p>“Let’s go back out there,” Benji suggested softly, standing and offering his hand to Victor again. </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>They returned to the ice, being a bit more careful this time. Benji felt much less afraid of falling now, not relying on Victor being there to hold him as he skated freely, hair flapping in the wind as he closed his eyes for a moment. He was surprised he had never done this before, because it was actually pretty fun and soothing once he stopped worrying so much, and, as Victor said, trusted his body to do what it needed to do. After a couple more falls and getting back up, Benji had finally had enough. But it had been a worthwhile experience.</p><p>After returning to their civilian shoes, they decided they were starving after exerting so much energy and decided to stop at a little café serving tapas for a late-afternoon lunch. They ordered several dishes to share, wanting to try some new things -- fried squid, paella, Spanish meatballs, chorizo, olives, the works. As Benji removed his jacket, he felt the air hit his chest and he looked down, remembering the number he had put on earlier. He blushed a bit, feeling a bit cold and exposed. </p><p>Meanwhile, Victor pressed his lips together and eyed him, their gazes meeting in the middle. </p><p>“Guess what I’m wearing under this,” Victor said, popping a meatball into his mouth as Benji smirked at him.</p><p>“You know I’m not gonna be able to guess,” Benji retorted, buttoning up a few of the buttons on his shirt because he actually <em> was </em>cold.</p><p>“No fun allowed,” Victor said with a click of his tongue and a devilish grin. “I’ll have to show you a picture, though, because if I took off my clothes here, it would be indecent. Although I guess I could wear it just for you one day… I haven’t decided yet.”</p><p>Biting his lip and cursing himself for blushing, Benji watched as Victor searched through his phone quickly and found the image in question, holding it up in front of Benji only after checking around to ensure they wouldn’t be seen. Luckily, they had a booth, where they had more privacy from prying eyes, but Victor still didn’t want to risk it. </p><p>Benji raised his eyebrows as he looked at the photo of Victor wearing a mesh top and standing with his back to the mirror. His mouth went dry. Victor chuckled as he took his phone back and pocketed it, looking triumphant.</p><p>“And here I was thinking I was being edgy,” Benji said sarcastically as he ran his hand through his hair. The bracelets on his wrists, which he had gotten used to until the point where they became imperceptible, jingled in his ear. “Oh, I forgot about this…”</p><p>Tipping his head to the side, Victor leaned forward across the table as Benji took one of the black beaded bracelets off his wrist and gazed at it for a moment, turning it between his fingers. Victor couldn’t read his expression. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Victor asked, voice low and soft with concern.</p><p>“When I was in the Canary Islands, I accidentally bought two of these bracelets made from volcanic rock because I thought they looked cool. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I got so used to buying two of things that it just sorta stuck for a while, because I expected to give one of them to you someday. Like… I think it was me being hopeful,” Benji explained, looking him straight in the eye again. “I guess the hoping paid off, huh.”</p><p>Taking Benji’s hand in his own, Victor raised it to his lips and laid a small kiss upon it before saying: “It looks like it did.”</p><p>“I wanna give it to you. Maybe as a reminder to ourselves. Or a promise. Because I forgive you. And I trust you.”</p><p>Victor slid the bracelet onto his left wrist, the opposite from the one upon which Benji had placed it. He admired it, taking in its deep black stones, feeling the power of the volcano from which it came and the forge within which it was melted and crafted. It was as if it were crafted for him alone. Another stray tear had decided to grace him with its presence, making its way down his face and to his chin.</p><p>“Thank you....” Victor said, the awe emanating from his voice. He continued to speak in a soft, gentle voice. The one Benji knew was reserved for him. “Y’know, in some cultures they say that to know and understand someone is more intimate than loving them. Knowing someone’s idiosyncrasies… what makes them tick… what they like… a lot of that also requires you to be in tune with yourself so you know how you can work with each other. That’s what I want. I want us to be able to understand each other. Truly. As we are. Because otherwise you just project what you want the other person to be like and you end up in the situation we were in before.”</p><p>“True,” Benji said. “Plus we’re different people than we were when we started. Or at least, in a lot of ways.”</p><p>“If you think about it, we’re always different people. Every moment of every day gives us the chance to change,” Victor replied. “Just like this rock, huh. That was actually a pretty clever choice.”</p><p>Benji chuckled, popping some more food in his mouth before he realized he was stuffed. “I can be clever when I want to, even if it’s by accident.”</p><p>Once they finished their meal and split the bill, they exited the restaurant into the night air. Benji had agreed to walk Victor to the Underground station, which they did with their hands linked like a bridge between them. They leaned against the brick wall beside the staircase as the occasional drunk stranger ran by, but overall, it was quiet. </p><p>“I’m glad we did that,” Benji said, arm pressed up against Victor’s as they sat next to each other. “But I’m planning the next date. I need to show you around the <em> real </em>London, not all this touristy stuff.”</p><p>“All right, all right. I’m curious to see what you come up with, though. But also, your birthday is coming up. Do you have any plans for that?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that actually. Probably nothing big or fancy, but I might go out with my friends, and I’d like you to be there again. They really like you, Vic. Even Soledad.”</p><p>“Wow, Soledad actually came around...”</p><p>“What can I say, you charmed her last week.”</p><p>“But… I didn’t even do anything.”</p><p>“Vic, just take the W. She doesn’t forgive easily.”</p><p>They sat together on the wall, laughing for a moment before they went quiet. Then silence fell, and they simply enjoyed each other’s company. What engulfed them was a blanket of serenity, its weight soothing as it pressed around them like clay molding their bodies in that moment to preserve it in time. They gazed off into the distance. No stars tonight. Typical.</p><p>Benji raised his gaze to Victor, watching the light of the street lamp reflecting in his eyes as he watched a car drive by. Victor turned to him. He wrapped his arm around Benji again; and Benji burrowed into him. They held each other like that, Benji pressing his ear against Victor’s chest, listening to his heart beating, the repetitive rhythm making his eyelids flutter closed. If he stayed there any longer like that, he would fall asleep listening to the music of Victor retaining homeostasis. </p><p>“We should go,” Benji muttered, lifting himself away from Victor. </p><p>“Yeah. I’ll see you soon,” Victor replied, gazing into Benji’s eyes. “But first… because I want to make up for lost time, and for the kisses I wasn’t able to give you…”</p><p>Sighing, Benji tilted his head up ever so slightly, as Victor inched his lips to the other’s, the pace enough to drive Benji mad with how slow he was going. He pressed his lips against Victor’s, his hand moving up to cup the other’s face as their mouths and tongues glided against one another in tandem. Victor brushed the hair from Benji’s face as his fingers went to gently hold the other’s head. The wind whistled, goading them further toward each other. </p><p>They pulled away, eyes slowly opening as they left one more gaze to rest between them with as much softness and adoration and trust as they could give to it. </p><p>“Goodnight, <em> mi vida </em>.”</p><p>Benji blinked back the tears.</p><p>“Goodnight, <em> mi alma </em>.”</p><p>With that, Victor descended into the Underground. Benji watched him go before slipping his hands into his pockets and turning away. He wasn’t waiting anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much once again for reading and supporting as usual. I really hope you enjoyed that chapter and, as I said, I hope you continue enjoying this. We're in the home stretch at this point but as I said, all the remaining chapters are just sweet and fluffy and romantic and so I hope they're as fun for you to read as they were for me to write. As always, your comments are like my life blood and they push me to finish up the final chapter, so I appreciate each and every single one of them and each and every single one of you who read this story. It's really been a pleasure to tell this story. Thank you once again! And remember, 1 comment = 1 Venji kiss!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Disinhibition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Benji bares his soul. </p><p>Here's the playlist to listen to along with the story. Enjoy!</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, thanks for coming by for another installment of this story. Things are winding down! But I will say that this was by far the most intimate chapter I've written for this story so far, and you will probably see why. I felt like I shouldn't have been witnessing it because of how intimate it is, and how much vulnerability there is. Tbh I cried quite a bit writing this as a result and I hope I can elicit similar emotions from you as you read. Anyway, as usual, I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'm looking forward to seeing your responses! Onward!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benji sat at his desk, eyes focused on the flurries of snow that tumbled down to the earth like acrobats bounding from brick to brick on the buildings outside before finally resting on the pavement. He had his window open ever so slightly, the air grabbing at it as if wanting to wrench the fixture off its hinges and enter the warmth of his flat. </p><p>Sighing, he ticked off some items on his to-do list. He’d done most of what was on the list -- took his medication, tidied up in his room, restocked the fridge, changed his sheets, bought a few gifts and wrapping paper, practiced composition and playing guitar, worked out. And with his first semester of his second year of school out of the way, he was already halfway through completing his degree. Not only that, but he had excelled in all his subjects, getting even higher marks than last semester. He was proud of himself for making it this far.</p><p>It had been a month since he and Victor had gone on their first date. They had made time to see each other once a week on the weekends when they were both free and had fallen into a good rhythm of switching up who would plan the date each week so it wasn’t only on Victor’s head to stress over it. They’d mostly kept things casual, taking the time to get used to each other and learning who they each were as new people, but Benji wondered if perhaps it was time to take things to the next level. He wasn’t sure how, though. </p><p>A lot of the process had happened organically, back when he and Victor were in the flames of adolescence as it burned through any flammable materials in its path, their hormones doing the thinking for them, miniscule brains coursing through their veins encouraging them to make questionable decisions. </p><p>The situation had calmed down as of late, but because the desire was still there, taking it slow was becoming progressively difficult, while the correct method of acting on these desires also became increasingly muddled. It had been so much easier to simply allow for things to happen as they did, as the natural movements of the tides, to pluck one’s consciousness out from within and do what felt right in the moment, with no regard for etiquette, akin to building a castle from wet sand and being surprised that, upon inspecting it a few days later, its walls collapse in on themselves. There had been too little time back then. Too little talking. And too little true, deep understanding. But it wasn’t like that now.</p><p>He’d gotten to the bottom of his list, tapping his pencil on the paper next to “go to therapy at 7:30”. Glancing at his phone, Benji saw that it was 6:50. He’d need to get ready to go soon. Raising his gaze back out through the window, his mouth twisted to the side of his face as he watched the snow come down in an almost impenetrable wall. He wasn’t looking forward to going out again and walking in <em> that </em>; he’d just take the bus. And since Amir was cooking dinner that evening, Benji knew he could expect something hot to warm his innards after being out in the cold when he returned from his last therapy appointment before the holidays.</p><p>Throwing on his wool coat and wrapping a thick hound's-tooth scarf around him over his knit sweater and jeans, Benji checked his hair in the mirror quickly (even though it would probably get fucked up by the elements anyway) before bounding out of his room. He passed by the kitchen where Amir was in the midst of mixing food that he had set on the stovetop and waved a quick goodbye to him before zipping up his boots, putting his headphones in, and reluctantly slipping out into the snow. As he walked, he checked his phone to see when the next bus would come. </p><p>3 minutes. Not bad. </p><p>Sighing, he hid inside the little glass box to wait, hands stuffed deep in his pockets as he buried his face in his scarf, exhaling into it to take the edge off the chill. It helped a bit; he was grateful also for the fact that the glass blocked the flow of the wind. </p><p>Soon the red double-decker arrived, and he hopped on, finding an empty seat in the middle of the bus because it didn’t warrant going all the way upstairs when he would be off in a few minutes anyway. He didn’t use public transportation as frequently as he could simply because most things were within walking or biking distance, but he knew enough to hang on as the bus swerved down the road to avoid cyclists and braked at the last possible moment. London bus drivers really did <em> not </em>give a shit. Their motto: “But did you die?”</p><p>Tapping his foot along to the beat of his music (“Jolene” by queen Dolly, of course) as he watched the buildings glide by, he jumped a bit when he heard the <em> ding </em> of a notification in his headphones. He picked up his phone to see who it was: “ <em> Mi Alma” </em>-- Victor; he’d always found Spanish to be the most romantic of languages, even more so than French. Benji smiled softly to himself. Before that moment, he hadn’t been thinking about him. </p><p>Warmth pooled in Benji’s stomach like molten gold poured from a crucible as he read the message. Another one popped up a moment later.</p><p>“<em>Hope you have a good time in therapy today. Let me know how it goes. Also, I’m looking forward to seeing you on Christmas 🥰🎄” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Btw I saw these memes and they reminded me of you bc, just like you, they are adorable 😇” </em>
</p><p>Benji’s grin widened as he looked at the images. One had a small brown Pomeranian wearing a baseball cap surrounded by light pink hearts with the caption “I’m here with breaking news: I love you”. The other depicted a fluffy white dog drinking from a juice box labeled “love juice 100% love” with darker pink hearts radiating all around it. Benji covered his face in his hand as he giggled to himself. </p><p>Pressing his lips together into a line, Benji scrolled through his photo album, selecting one with a cat looking in the mirror with its reflection staring back with tears in its eyes, along with an image of a Kermit the frog puppet hugging an iPhone with hearts around it, and finally, an image of two small, fluffy light brown dogs, one labeled “you” and the other “me”, where “me” was swatting the other on the head, its paw labeled with “all of my love, affection, and support” with hearts around it. Benji chuckled as he typed a follow-up message.</p><p>“<em>You’re so corny omfg these are so old 🤣🤣🤣” </em></p><p>
  <em> “But in all seriousness, thanks. I think things will be good. And I’m looking forward to seeing you too 😘” </em>
</p><p>“<em>Anyway, gotta go. Chat later ❤️❤️❤️” </em></p><p>Stowing his phone back in his pocket, Benji pressed the button to request a stop and stepped off the bus, instantly regretting leaving the oven-like warmth of the bus as the cold shocked him again. He walked the short route from the stop to the familiar facade of Dr. Singh’s office, pushing the door open and closing it behind him as he entered. A quick glance at his phone told him he was a few minutes early, so he unbuttoned his coat and had a seat to wait his turn. </p><p>“Benji?” Dr. Singh called after a moment, making Benji jump as his concentration broke from the song he had been listening to.</p><p>“Yes, I’m here. How are you?” Benji said, following him into the comforting room he had become so accustomed to seeing every week. </p><p>“I’m not bad. You seem well,” Dr. Singh remarked, sitting down as Benji did the same on the couch opposite him. </p><p>“Actually, I am,” Benji replied with a small smirk that exposed his pointed canines. “I actually feel like things are sorta… setting themselves in place nicely.”</p><p>“That’s brilliant. It seems like you’re getting closer to your goal of becoming more well-adjusted and confident in yourself,” Dr. Singh said as he straightened his glasses. “I believe for this week I wanted you to reflect on what your life looked like at this point last year and to think about what you’re doing differently, what’s working, what you think you could be doing better, how your thought processes have changed. Generally, what you’ve gotten out of this whole thing so far.”</p><p>“Can I look at my notes?” Benji asked, reaching into his pocket and withdrawing several stacked and folded up pieces of paper. </p><p>“Of course. But also you can speak freely if you’d like. There are no correct answers.”</p><p>“Well, first off, I’m not sure if you remember how a few weeks ago I told you that I went out with my friends and Victor for my birthday and I was completely fine being around alcohol and wasn’t even bothered by Victor drinking, which he would basically never do before because he thought it would trigger me. Like, obviously he asked me first, of course. But it made me think a bit more about how I’ve adjusted. I feel a lot more… stable.”</p><p>Dr. Singh nodded as he scribbled something in his notebook before he spoke. “Ah yeah, I remember that. You should be proud of yourself for handling that, though. That’s a big achievement. <em> And </em>being able to see a noticeable shift in how you’re feeling is very impressive.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Benji said, a smile blooming on his lips again. “I think I’m doing better with resisting things that would normally tempt me. This is something I wrote in my notes actually… It’s as if I was more compelled to use things that were gonna harm me, like alcohol and drugs, not because they were forbidden but because I didn’t think it would matter, in the end. That no one would care if I put myself into a drug-induced coma or something. I realize how wrong I was for even thinking that way in the first place. And how self-destructive it was. Well, at least, I realized it and stopped. And now I just… don’t feel much of a pull, really.”</p><p>“Hmm, yeah. That is one of the most annoying bits about mental illness, isn’t it. When you know what you’re doing is harmful but you still have the urge to do it. The fact that the urge is gone is amazing. What you said about realizing that your thought processes were unhealthy and breaking out of them and <em> accepting </em>the fact that people you love would care if you did something like that to yourself is a huge step that comes with learning to value yourself.”</p><p>Rubbing his chin as he glanced down at his notes, Benji allowed his synapses to shoot their electrical signals to each other as he decided what else he wanted to discuss. </p><p>“As for how my life looked at this point last year… Well, I was still pretty devastated about Victor breaking up with me and was still in the beginning stages of self harming and just… really lonely, even though I was surrounded by people who wanted to be my friends. And I was also not keeping in touch with family and friends back home because it was exhausting.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, depression will do that. You told me that you were trying to be better about communicating with the people you care about… how is that going?”</p><p>“<em>Loads </em>better. I mean, my mom still sorta complains that I don’t call her enough but I don’t think once or twice a week is too infrequently. But I still haven’t made much progress on my dad’s front. I’m trying not to assume the worst.”</p><p>“That’s not bad at all. But I’m also glad you’re not giving into your mum too much and finding a suitable compromise because I know the social expectation of more frequent communication can be quite stressful, especially when you’ve got a lot going on. As for your father, I don’t know how much more I can really advise on, I’m afraid. It’s never too late to try and rebuild things but it can’t be something you do alone.”</p><p>“Exactly. I think I’ve just given up on that and I’m not that upset. But yeah, I’ve also been keeping better contact with my friends in Atlanta, too, because I know Mia and Felix and the others said I dropped off the face of the earth and I don’t want to be the type of person who only reaches out when I want someone to solve a problem for me,” Benji explained as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands. </p><p>“It’s good you’re more self-aware. But as long as you’re up-front with the fact that some days it may be more difficult to talk or you have other obligations, usually people will be understanding.”</p><p>“Fair… And speaking of, I guess that leads into my other point about how I’ve been a bit more careful about… giving back more instead of just using people to sorta… fill in my emotional gaps. Even with Victor back in the picture, I’ve been trying to be a better partner to him and not just take him for granted to be there to piece me together if I have a crisis. I feel a lot more confident just… being alone and taking care of my own needs but I also don’t feel like I’m being a burden if I ask for help. I remember the anxiety I used to feel about that but it’s like it just… evaporated.”</p><p>“Seems like you’ve really internalized what I told you about not looking at relationships in terms of what people can <em> do </em>for you but rather how they make you feel and how you can both support each other and grow together. And also, I need to commend you as well because even though Victor has come up a bit, I can see a marked difference in how you discuss him compared to how you did even a few months ago,” Dr. Singh acknowledged, writing down a few more notes before raising his gaze back to Benji.</p><p>“Giving each other space was definitely necessary, unsurprisingly. Getting the chance to know myself and what I actually like and to understand my own values gave me a lot of clarity and also helped me get rid of that feeling like I was waiting for nothing, you know? I couldn’t think about Victor without getting anxious and panicky even though there was literally no reason for it because, well, he isn’t <em> Derek. </em>But he’s also shown himself to be capable of changing and improving himself,” Benji replied, lips curling upward unconsciously, the warm feeling in his chest radiating across the rest of his body and up to his face. “I never knew being in love was supposed to feel like… peace.”</p><p>Dr. Singh nodded, tapping his pen against his lip, deep in thought. “That’s a good way to look at it. Because you’re in a state now where you feel secure in yourself, you seem to have a more secure attachment to people, including to Victor now, which will do wonders for quieting any anxieties you may have. And I know as men we usually aren’t taught to talk about our emotions, but I hope you’re spending time letting Victor know what’s going on in your mind.”</p><p>“Yeah… I mean it’s still a bit of a struggle to have to force myself to say everything that’s on my mind and to be more open but… I’m working on it. And uh… not sure how TMI to be here…”</p><p>“To be fair, there’s a lot of more… shall we say, risqué stuff you’ve told me about…” Dr. Singh flipped back through his notes before continuing, “your flatmate Ish and, of course, what you got up to with Victor, so I don’t think anything is really off limits with regards to topics pertaining to sex.”</p><p>“All right, well… The thing is that... I do want to be more,” Benji paused and cleared his throat, resisting the urge to look at the ground, “<em> intimate </em> with Victor, and to move things to the next level, because we’ve sorta been in this state where we’ve just been going on dates and spending time together, which is super nice obviously and I love spending time with him, but it seems like the second time around it’s… harder. Things are more planned and less spontaneous, and I guess because Victor is letting me set the pace instead of pushing me, which I appreciate, what used to sorta naturally happen is on me to sorta figure out. The worst part, though, I think, is that even though I generally feel good about myself, I still feel so fucking self conscious about him seeing my scars. I know it’s irrational, though.”</p><p>“Hmm…” Dr. Singh hummed as he pursed his lips, jotting something down in his notes. “I can see how a lot of this can be difficult to overcome and it can even be a bit of a struggle to bring it up to talk about it with one’s partner. The dynamics of the relationship will be different, bodies and personalities have changed from how they were the first time around not only because you’re sort of getting to know each other a second time, but also just because you two have matured a bit and taken time to be yourselves as individuals. This is all normal and natural. Well, we know ‘normal’ isn’t a thing, in the end, because normalcy doesn’t exist. But you know what I mean. There’s nothing wrong in it.”</p><p>“That makes sense. I mean, I’ve been ready to go further for a while now and I imagine Victor is probably ready whenever I am, but he’s probably been holding himself back because he’s been… really good with the whole boundary thing. But I guess that’s good, because then it pushes me to be less afraid to say what I want, especially now that I <em> know </em>what I want,” Benji said before heaving a sigh and leaning against the back of the couch. </p><p>“You could always work up to things, as well. I can see you trust Victor a lot and seem secure that he’s not going to leave you or be scared away. Going at your own pace, it might be worth it to just… show him first. Get him used to the idea that you’re different… and I imagine he is, too. Maybe make it into a little exercise meant to deepen your sense of intimacy. Because sex isn’t the end-all of how you can connect with your partner. There are millions of ways to do that and that’s just one,” Dr. Singh advised, glancing from his notes to Benji before taking a sip of water.</p><p>Lacing his fingers behind his head, Benji chewed on his lip and stared at the ceiling, mulling. He was right, Benji realized. The pressure he had put on himself seemed to dissipate with Dr. Singh’s words. He returned his gaze to Dr. Singh, who tipped his head to the side as he watched him like an owl perched on a branch as it observed the leaf-blanketed territory below.</p><p>“What’s on your mind, Benji?”</p><p>“I’m just… reflecting on what you said. There’s really nothing for me to worry about so I think I really just have to get out my head and just… do what feels right so long as I’m not hurting anyone or infringing on their autonomy. But talking about this definitely helps put things into perspective.”</p><p>“Exactly. As I’ve been telling you, just allow yourself to feel things because there’s no shame in it. Just don’t let it keep you from letting people in. The only way to experience true intimacy and human connection is in allowing people to see you as you are and owning things you might not be so proud of. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, the fact that you’re still standing and still here is a testament to that, and you’ve definitely come a long way from when I first met you in January,” Dr. Singh said with a gentle smile as he tugged at his beard. </p><p>Soon the conversation flowed into other topics, eventually coming to the topic that Benji looked forward to the least: his father; he man he didn’t think about if he could avoid it, who had disappeared from most of Benji’s waking thoughts, a spectre that floated through his subconscious, sapping his energy when he least expected it. It was easy to pretend he didn’t exist while he was across the pond, but sooner or later, he would have to face him. He wanted to stick to his decision, though; it would have to be later. </p><p>The session ended with some homework, which consisted of an assignment for Benji to reflect on how he wanted to improve his life going into the New Year, and steps he would take to improve communication with Victor so they could avoid the pitfalls they had encountered before. Dr. Singh wished him a Happy Christmas as he left, with the expectation that Benji would return in the New Year.</p><p>Benji wrapped his coat and scarf around him as he exited the office into the sharpness of the winter night, trudging down to the bus stop to wait. He lucked out when he arrived just as the red beast pulled up to the curb. When he sat down, he replayed the session with Dr. Singh in his mind, resting his head against the cold window. A <em> ding </em> extracted him from the convoluted labyrinth of his thoughts. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his phone, a notification with <em> “Soledad </em>” popping up on the screen.</p><p>“<em>I know it’s a bit short notice, but I wanted to tell you that Ish is coming to our potluck. You and Vic are both fine with that, right? Don’t want to overstep 🙃” </em></p><p>Furrowing his brows, Benji considered the request. Ish was still his friend, and even though he and Benji had a past sexual relationship, too, they’d put that behind them. It would be silly to fuss over this; and Victor would need to accept it. </p><p>“<em>Thanks 😅 I’ll ask Vic but most likely it’ll be fine. We’re all grownups” </em>he wrote to Soledad.</p><p>Then, he wrote to Victor immediately after, chewing on his lip as he anticipated Victor’s reply. He only waited a moment before the message arrived.</p><p>“<em>Yeah, sure. I’d be happy to meet him 😊” </em></p><p>Not what Benji had in mind. Quirking an eyebrow, Benji’s fingers zigzagged across the keyboard as he wrote back.</p><p>“<em>For real? I love you but you’re a little bit too cool about this whole thing 😶” </em></p><p>His stop approached, and Benji looked up, smashed the “stop” button before rising and leaning against the divider as he stared down at his phone. An old woman with a cart bumped against him and he muttered a “sorry” to her before dashing out of the bus as soon as the doors opened. He squinted as the slush barrelled against him, the hand that held his phone beginning to shake and lose a bit of feeling due to the elements. The wind bit at the calcium in his bones, ushering him onward.</p><p>“<em>I mean, there has to be a good reason why he’s your friend, right? Plus, I trust you when you’ve said there’s nothing going on with you two, so I have no reason to be worried. As long as you’re also fine with him being there, that’s all that matters. Love you, too 🥰” </em></p><p>“<em>Okay, sounds good. I appreciate you ❤️ Honestly, I was expecting you to be jealous but I guess you’re stronger than I would be in your place 🥺” </em>Benji wrote back.</p><p>He raced down the pavement to his flat, hiding his exposed hand in his pocket to catch at least a little warmth in the short journey it took to get to his destination. When he arrived, he fumbled with his key before shoving the door open and closing it quickly behind him. He exhaled, leaning back up against it as he let his eyes fall closed as he unbuttoned his jacket and kicked off his shoes to allow the warmth of the room to seep into his core. The only visible light emanated from the little fir about four feet high that they had picked up and decorated with rainbow baubles and lights and placed behind the couches in the living room.</p><p>Turning on the light in the foyer, Benji then hung his jacket on the hook beside the door before padding down into the kitchen where, as expected, his dinner awaited. He washed his hands before helping himself to a plate of biryani that was still hot and fresh, the aroma of saffron, coriander, and other masala spices wafting in his face and instantly making him feel relaxed. </p><p>As he shut off the light, he noted the little strips of white beneath the doors, indicating that all his flatmates were hanging out in their rooms, which was unusual. But with the holiday preparations going on lately, he could understand why they would want time to themselves; he knew he needed it, too. He carried his food with him to his room, curling up at his desk with one knee to his chest as he turned on his computer.</p><p>Humming to himself, Benji pulled his phone from his pocket and read the messages Victor had sent him in response with a soft smile playing at his lips. </p><p>“<em>I appreciate you too 💗 And don’t worry I’ll behave 😈😘” </em></p><p>
  <em> “But also I’m really excited to spend time with you and I hope you like the present I made you 😇” </em>
</p><p>Benji chuckled as he shoveled forkfuls of food into his mouth.</p><p>“<em>Yeah I don’t know why I was so worried. Let’s just hope for the best. I think it’s gonna be pretty chill, anyway, since it’s not like we’re inviting a lot of randos, just a few friends” </em></p><p>
  <em> “And I’m sure I’ll like whatever you got for me 😍 You always give thoughtful gifts💗” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I hope you like what I made for you, too 🥺❤️” </em>
</p><p>They continued chatting for a bit as Benji ate. He double checked the details on the trip he had booked for him and Victor for New Years, just to be sure everything was in order, before closing the tab and opening the document he used as a journal to jot down some of his reflections from the day. </p><p>When he was done, Benji turned off his computer so he would avoid the inevitable temptation to scroll endlessly through social media. He wandered down the corridor to the kitchen and washed his dishes before putting them aside to dry. Afterward, he got ready for bed and climbed into bed, burying himself under his thick duvet like a duckling in a nest surrounded by downy feathers. </p><p>He put in his headphones to listen to some quiet music as a way to avoid the problem he tended to have of his brain not having enough to do while he read; the fact that his brain was calmer recently helped with that. The book was called <em> The Left Hand of Darkness, </em>which he had borrowed from the library, and Benji had found himself deeply drawn into it; he figured he could finish it up that evening, as he had already gotten over halfway through it. He allowed himself to fall back into the world of Gethen again.</p><p>Once he finished, he felt his eyelids weighing heavily, two leaden sheets on his face, as they began to close on him. He wiped the tears that had gathered at the corners of his eyes (he hated endings) and set his book aside as he yawned. After a quick fumble with the light switch, he collapsed back into bed, the blanket of sleep immersing him in a dreamless cocoon that wouldn’t open until morning.</p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>For the first time in a while, Victor and Benji didn’t do anything special for Christmas Eve. Benji spent a normal day at home, finishing up the holiday preparations and ensuring his room was in order, and Victor spent it Facetiming with his family to give the illusion that they were all together again even with an ocean splitting a chasm between them. Because Victor and Benji were both spending the holidays in London, they decided to have their first proper sleepover on Christmas Eve. It only seemed fitting.</p><p>Victor had taken the last trains from Warren Street to South Kensington that night, gifts in tow (he couldn’t be rude and only bring something for Benji when his flatmates were also hosting him), passing under the colorful Christmas light arches that stretched all across central London on his way over. The holiday markets that still smelled faintly of mulled wine and roast meat and which had been open during the day were closed now, an eerie silence accompanying him like a shadow as he made the trek through the slush, arriving just before one on the stoop where he and Benji had shared their second first kiss. For the next two days, the trains and buses would cease their movements, the only time during the year when the streets of London would be devoid of life. </p><p>Knocking on the door, Victor waited for a moment before he heard shuffling on the opposite side. When it opened, Benji stood in the doorway, wearing his soft blue flannel pajamas and covering his mouth as he yawned and rubbed his normally lined by now bare eyes. Victor pressed his lips together as he smiled down at him after they exchanged greetings, before pressing a kiss first to Benji’s damp, citrus-scented hair and then to his lips, tasting the minty freshness of his toothpaste.</p><p>“Did I wake you?” Victor asked, as Benji stepped aside to welcome him into the flat that he had grown familiar with over the past few weeks.</p><p>“No, I was waiting and I, uh… dozed off,” Benji replied with a grin as he took some of the bags with gifts Victor had brought with him. He shook one of the packages. “I guess I can’t open these til tomorrow morning?”</p><p>“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait,” Victor said with a chuckle as he kicked his shoes off and hung his jacket on one of the hooks before following Benji through the flat, waving in greeting to Soledad and the rest of Benji’s friends.</p><p>Humming, Victor set down the packages he’d wrapped in red wrapping paper with little green boughs of holly on them under the little tree in the living room, where a small pile of wrapped boxes and bags had accumulated. The flat smelled of pine and warmth, the tinsel and lights woven and draped across the surfaces within casting a sparkling red, green and silver glow that felt cozy and made Victor feel like the holidays were in fact upon them. </p><p>Benji rolled his eyes with a small fond smile as he took Victor by the hand and they wandered over to Benji’s room, which was now organized, the scattered papers and paintings put away in their places and leaving the outer surfaces unencumbered. </p><p>“Wow, it’s <em> actually </em>clean this time,” Victor remarked, setting his things down in the corner and opening his bag to withdraw a pair of flannel pajamas, similar to Benji’s but red. </p><p>“I figured now would be the only time til after the New Year when I would have time to tidy up,” Benji replied, walking over to the radiator beneath his window and cranking it up to ensure they would be warm during the night -- body heat alone wasn’t always enough, and even though he usually like when it was a bit cooler, he didn’t want it that way tonight.</p><p>He sat down on the bed and looked away as Victor changed into his pajamas, fiddling with the hem of his shirt as he chewed on his lip. Victor tousled Benji’s hair before winking at him, letting him know he would be back in a moment, and slipping out the door to the bathroom to wash up for the night, leaving Benji alone for the moment. </p><p>Benji exhaled, wondering why he was getting so worked up over what he was about to do, heart beating loud enough for him to hear it. Since his visit with Dr. Singh, he’d had time to mentally prepare. But now that the moment came, the anxiety he had kept at bay, walled behind a dam, was beginning to push through, the dam cracking and allowing water to leak through against his wishes. He knew he shouldn’t be so concerned about Victor’s reaction, but he was regardless.</p><p>When Victor returned, Benji almost jumped, startled from his thoughts. Victor stowed away his gear before sitting down beside Benji on the bed with a smile, face faltering when he saw Benji’s twisted expression. Benji sighed. He didn’t want to wait to be prompted by Victor.</p><p>“So you know how I was self harming before,” Benji ventured, raising his gaze to Victor’s as the other stared into his eyes attentively. </p><p>Victor nodded, eyebrows scrunching together. “Yeah… I remember.”</p><p>“Well… I’ve been having a lot of hang-ups about letting you see the full effects of what I did to myself, as you know, because I was… ashamed of it. And even though I know I should be able to be open with you, I guess part of me still has this expectation that you’ll be disgusted by me and reject me.”</p><p>“Benji… nothing you do could ever make me not want you,” Victor said softly, sliding a bit closer to Benji on the bed. “I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>“I realize that now,” Benji said with a small smile. “You’ve done nothing these past few months but show me how much you care for me… and<em> love </em> me. So I wanna do the same thing for you. Just… look at me.”</p><p>Tipping his head to the side, Victor studied Benji’s face, a tear climbing down from the corner of his sclera. Benji put on a calm veneer, face a bit flushed but unrattled as he slowly undid each of the buttons on his flannel, the only indication of the storm swirling his organs, tossing them against the inside of his flesh prison coming about in the slight shake of his hands as his fingers touched the smooth materials. </p><p>When he was done, Benji’s eyes fluttered closed as he shrugged off his shirt and turned his face away, shuddering as the air hit his skin. Victor simply observed him, saying nothing. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to say, but he also couldn’t peel his gaze away. He sighed, his skin longing to feel Benji’s after all this time. </p><p>Biting his lip, Benji then removed the rest of his clothes, covering his face for a moment so he could collect himself. He exhaled. Beside him, Victor shifted. </p><p>“Can you please say something?” Benji all but demanded, voice wavering a bit as he lowered his hand from his face, hyper aware of his own nakedness.</p><p>“You’re beautiful,” Victor breathed.</p><p>Benji swallowed, face tinged pink as he finally opened his eyes to see Victor gazing down at him with tear-soaked eyes, face craned toward him like a daisy in the sun acting on its natural phototropic instincts. He realized that Victor, too, had shed his pajamas, and he sat beside him, bare and exposed, mirroring him. When Victor’s pupils traveled down the expanse of Benji’s body, taking in the sea of dots on his arms and hips, he felt like he was being enveloped by warmth, Victor’s adoring gaze wrenching away any shame he may have felt and casting it away into the night.</p><p>“Why did you…?” Benji asked, allowing himself to watch Victor in turn, frowning upon spotting the faint scar on Victor’s leg from where he had broken it. It had been a while since he’d seen it.</p><p>“I know how much you’ve struggled with this and I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone. Plus, I imagine it’s really uncomfortable being scrutinized like that. If I were in your place, I probably wouldn’t want to just be stared at like some sort of science experiment,” Victor explained, unwavering and refusing to flinch away, because in the end, he didn’t have a reason to. </p><p>Shaking his head as his lip curled up on one side, Benji took Victor’s hands in his own, marveling at how massive they were in comparison to Benji’s. “You’re so sweet…”</p><p>Victor pressed his lips together as he smiled, too, eyes sparkling a bit as Benji‘s face floated closer to his own; he leaned down to meet him halfway, kissing him gently, lips mingling together for a moment before they pulled away. Benji rested his forehead against Victor’s neck briefly as he wiped his eyes with the back of his arm, then fell back onto the bed and rolled into the corner next to the wall, patting the spot beside him as a silent invitation to Victor as he lay on his side facing him.</p><p>Lying down beside him, Victor sighed as he raised his hand to brush through Benji’s hair, moving it aside and out of his face. Benji took Victor’s hand in his own again, and brought it to rest on his hip, where the spots where he had burned himself, despite having faded, still left tiny mounds behind as if he had been writing messages in Braille. Victor inhaled as he ran his fingers over Benji’s skin, and Benji’s eyelids fell closed again. It was in that moment that Victor knew he’d earned back every bit of Benji’s trust in him; he wouldn’t squander that gift again.</p><p>“Thank you for not judging me,” Benji murmured, eyes still closed as Victor’s hands trailed up to his arms, as if his fingerprints were memorizing the map of Benji’s body again from scratch. “It’s such a relief to not have any secrets between us.”</p><p>“Of course. I’ve got nothing to judge you for,” Victor said with a sigh, “I guess I wish I could’ve made you feel more comfortable so you wouldn’t have been so nervous to tell me earlier.”</p><p>“Hmm… maybe. But also a lot of it was, as I said, more of a personal issue than about anything that <em> you </em>did. You’ve been really good at respecting my boundaries and showing me that you mean what you say. That you can change. I appreciate that,” Benji said, peering at Victor as he cupped his cheek, brushing his thumb across it.</p><p>Victor kissed the inside of Benji’s hand, their bracelets jingling together with that action alone. “Thank you for trusting me, then. I love you <em> so </em> much, <em> mi vida </em>.”</p><p>Benji could feel himself melt into the words that left Victor’s lips like both a song and a prayer. A tear slipped down his face again as he pressed his lips to Victor’s once more, his heart echoing in his ears so he could hear the trajectory of every blood cell that traversed his veins. </p><p>“I love you, too, <em> mi alma,” </em>Benji whispered against Victor’s lips.</p><p>They both lay there in contemplative silence feeling lighter, the burden of secrecy lifted, their inhibitions stripped and repurposed to be used to create new soil for their orchid garden to bloom. </p><p>“Oh, wait, I wanted to show you another thing,” Benji said, breaking the silence as he pulled out his phone and tapped around on it before handing it to Victor so he could have a look. “I just wanted to document my creations because even though I was trying to keep from hurting myself, I still ended up with something beautiful out of it. I guess as a reminder that I didn’t follow through with my urges.”</p><p>Taking Benji’s phone in his hand gingerly, Victor went through each of the photos his boyfriend had taken. His mouth fell open as he examined each image, a mixture of horror and awe -- but more awe -- painting his face. There were a few hundred pictures, mostly of Benji’s arms but some of his legs and torso with an array of designs ranging from what would resemble a pasture full of flowers, to scenes of snowy and grassy mountains alike, along with those mirroring the parks in London with their leafless trees and green shrubbery. Victor even took note of some of the more abstract works, ones which involved Benji playing with light and color and not showing any particular images in particular, a mess of lines and coils and pigment which were the product of immense amounts of mental duress and frustration. </p><p>Staring up at Victor as he awaited some sort of verbal acknowledgement of what he was seeing, Benji shivered before pulling the covers over himself, blocking his mouth with his hand as he yawned and wondered what time it was. </p><p>“These are really gorgeous,” Victor said, glancing to the side and meeting Benji’s gaze with a small smile. “But I guess it’s still… a bit worrying that you have… over five hundred photos. Although I guess if you took a few on the same day but from different perspectives or of different body parts in the end it… doesn’t add up to that much. I know I shouldn’t and that this isn’t about me but… I still somehow feel a little bit responsible even though I know I’m not.”</p><p>Victor returned Benji his phone with a sigh, setting his sights back on Benji and taking him in once more. Benji checked the clock on his phone before setting it aside. <em> 2:03 AM. </em></p><p>“I know. But to be fair, I didn’t really slip up more than a couple of times after I started therapy, and the time when you stopped me over the summer was the last time I ever even tried. So things are getting better.”</p><p>“B, I’m so proud of you,” Victor sighed, sliding under the covers, too. He had been wired before, but now he could feel the cloud of sleep pressing down upon his eyes. “And I hope things keep going well for you, I really do. But also if you ever feel like you want to do anything to yourself again --”</p><p>“You’ll be the first person I talk to about it,” Benji replied, snuggling closer to Victor and burying his face in the other’s neck, inhaling the woody scent that always pulled him back to the earth whenever his mind strayed too far away. </p><p>But this time all it did was remind him that he wasn’t alone. Victor’s warm body beside him reminded him of the simultaneously mountainous and oceanic terrain of Gran Canaria, and suddenly he was remembering how bitter that isolation had felt, and how much different he felt now, light and free; the only thing oppressing him at that moment was exhaustion from being awake for over eighteen hours. The sensation of waiting seemed like something far off, imagined.</p><p>“For now, though, we should sleep. We have a long day tomorrow. Er. Later today,” Benji said, laughing to himself at his own joke as he rubbed his eyes, before he murmured the rest into Victor’s neck, his eyes already closed. “I probably should have saved this little reveal for another time but oh well. But thank you so much for being so cool about it all.”</p><p>“Of course… I’ll be by your side supporting you a hundred percent,” Victor said, eyes closing as he kissed Benji’s hair, before he groaned softly at the prospect of having to get up to turn off the lights. </p><p>Once he dragged himself from bed, stumbling back to Benji in the dark, he slipped back into the warm nest of the covers to where Benji’s embrace awaited him. Their bodies, apart from each other to the point where they felt unfamiliar upon rejoining, soon refamiliarized themselves, fitting back together like pieces of a puzzle that had been misplaced and misshapen a bit, changed from how they had been before but ultimately belonging in place with some minor adjustments. </p><p>They fell asleep like that, with Benji curled up with his face in the crook of Victor’s neck, arm wrapping around his waist, and Victor engulfing Benji’s frame against him, arm resting around his back protectively. Victor nuzzled against Benji’s hair, the soft rhythm of his breathing coaxing him into a quick, deep sleep. This was where he belonged.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading and supporting once again. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Did you get emotional reading it? How did you take Vic's response to Benji asking him if he's all right with Ish coming to their party? And are you as proud as I am of B's progress in therapy? He's trying his best and we love him! Anyway, see you next week for the penultimate chapter! Wow! So close to the end already! It's been such a wild ride. And as usual, your comments motivate me to complete the last chapter! So 1 comment = 1 Venji happily ever after!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Contraposition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji celebrate Christmas together.</p><p>Here's the playlist to listen to along with the story. Enjoy!</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, sorry for the lack of an update last week. Considering my lack of much more progress on the final chapter, I figured I would hold off one more week so I don't leave you hanging without an update for a month. These last few months have been busy for me with NaNo (which I'm now in the process of editing so I can submit the manuscript to publishers) and other writing projects and looking for a job, and now the holidays are coming up and I may need eye surgery, AND I'll be applying for my PhD, so idk how long it will take me to complete this work. I want to get it done as quickly as possible but it's been a bit of a struggle lately, if I'm being honest. Anyway, I hope you understand. Please enjoy the penultimate chapter of this work because I don't know when the next update will be. But it WILL happen. Don't fret.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A sharp, loud noise like a glass shard breaking from a window pierced the air, and Benji instinctively swatted at the source with a groan, eyes still unopened. It went quiet and Benji sighed in relief, burying himself under the covers again and rolling over onto his other side, leaving Victor with his arm hanging off the edge of the bed and his back exposed to the morning cold.</p><p>“Mornin’,” Victor said after clearing his throat, his voice raspy. He scooted closer to Benji, pulling back some of the covers for himself as he pressed a light kiss to Benji’s shoulder blade.</p><p>Benji jumped and looked over his shoulder in a panic before he relaxed, smacking himself in the forehead. “Mornin’. You scared me.”</p><p>“Why? Did you forget I was here?” Victor teased, fitting his chest against Benji’s spine, the fusion of their bones a preferable option to getting up at such an early hour.</p><p>“Mm… yeah, kinda,” Benji said with a chuckle, turning in Victor’s embrace to face him. “It’s been so long since we slept in the same bed.”</p><p>“I mean… if you count the time over the summer…”</p><p>“That’s different,” Benji said with an eye roll as he gave Victor a quick peck on the lips. </p><p>Victor grinned and said: “Did you really have to set an alarm? Especially one that’s so stupid early?”</p><p>“We got shit to do,” Benji retorted, pushing himself into a sitting position as he looked at his phone. “And even though people are bringing some stuff, the food isn’t gonna cook itself. We also need to set up and all that jazz.”</p><p>“All right, all right. Fair,” Victor said, stretching before peeling himself away from Benji and dragging himself to his feet. </p><p>“Plus, I can bet your ass that Soledad is gonna wanna put makeup on you so we need to give her time for that.”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor thought about it. The last time he’d worn makeup had been ages ago, when he and Benji and their friends had decided to get drag makeovers. He wasn’t opposed to it, per se, but there was still something about the machismo he had been brought up with that still had its claws in him, a vice-like grip that he had spent years trying to unclasp from his psyche. While he had made some progress, he wanted to make a more concerted effort to be okay with accepting femininity in his life, because ultimately, there was nothing shameful about it, he reasoned.</p><p>“Oh, will she, now…? Sounds… interesting.”</p><p>“Yeah. She likes you now so that comes with her complaining about how exhausted you look and trying to fix it. You can always tell her to lay off but… it’s kinda nice, actually. And pretty relaxing, if I may add,” Benji said, watching Victor for a moment, allowing his eyes to glide down the other’s bare body for a moment before he rose from the bed, too.</p><p>“I’ll think about,” Victor said with a small smile before he kissed Benji’s cheek.</p><p>They dressed quickly in their normal clothes for now because, knowing their habits in the kitchen, they would make a mess of themselves even with an apron on by some sorcery. When they exited Benji’s room, the familiar smell of buttery flat breads cooking on a skillet on the stove wafted through the flat, reminding them of their empty stomachs, the gnawing threatening to dig a pit in their insides.. </p><p>In the kitchen, as if she had been privy to their previous conversation, stood Soledad, flipping over one of the <em> paratha </em>s she cooked for herself to go with her chickpea curry for breakfast. The three of them exchanged a round of “mornin’”-s and “Merry Christmas”-es (although Soledad ruined the uniformity a bit by her use of the unfamiliar sounding “Happy Christmas”) and Soledad told them to help themselves to some food, which they accepted gratefully. </p><p>Victor observed as Benji dusted the counter with flour before he rolled out the <em> paratha </em> dough and dropped it in the pan, then followed suit, pleased by the simple process. In a few minutes they had their piping hot breakfast ready, which they ate quickly before Benji’s and Soledad’s other flatmates, Shuang, Rhiannon and Amir, emerged from their rooms to greet them. They all chatted over breakfast, with Victor still in awe about how pleasant Soledad was being to him. Almost <em> too </em> pleasant, in fact, but Benji assured him it was genuine; Soledad was a <em> horrible </em> actress.</p><p>When they finished eating, they split off into two groups--Victor, Benji and Shuang in the kitchen, and Soledad, Amir and Rhiannon in the living room to set up tables and chairs and decorate. </p><p>“First order of business,” Benji said, looking down at his phone, “what do ya’ll wanna listen to?”</p><p>Opening his mouth to speak, Victor looked to Benji before the other glanced at him from the side of his eye before he spoke.</p><p>“And please, Victor, don’t say Beyoncé. I like her but… There needs to be a limit.”</p><p>Immediately, Victor closed his mouth again.</p><p>“What’s your absolute favorite song?” Shuang asked, leaning against the counter and flicking her rainbow hair from her eyes.</p><p>“Aside from “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton… I would have to say--Ohh… Victor’s gonna know this one… very well,” Benji said, lip curling up and exposing his pointed canines as he pressed play and gazed at Victor for a moment before shuffling over and planting a kiss on the other’s lips as Shuang squealed in delight, remarking about how cute they were. </p><p><em> I threw a wish in the well, don't ask me, I'll never tell<br/></em> <em> I looked to you as it fell and now you're in my way </em></p><p>The familiar chords started to play, and Victor rolled his eyes as he kissed Benji back, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. For a moment, the kitchen disappeared, the cool tile floor fell away, and the only living beings to exist were Victor and Benji, together, breathing in sync. Victor remembered that day, years ago, when he saw Benji on stage, illuminated by the spotlight, seeming to sing to him alone. He watched as his boyfriend began to dance the way Victor had taught him, fixated.</p><p>“<em>Hey! </em>Turn that shit off!” Soledad called from the living room with a giggle, breaking them back to reality, and they erupted into a fit of laughter, too, before getting to work.</p><p>“Okay, what are we making?” Shuang asked, tying her rainbow fringe on top of her head to keep it out of her eyes.</p><p>“That’s actually a good idea…” Benji said as he watched Shuang, before he passed out aprons and tied one around his own waist. Pointing to her hair, he said: “You got any more of those?”</p><p>“Here,” she said, handing over a few hair ties, and Benji and Victor followed suit; when they were done, they resembled three radishes. “It’s good not to get our hair in the food.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said as he opened the fridge and stared inside. “So to answer your original question… we have a turkey, vegetables, standard stuff… mulled wine, but someone else is gonna have to make that, and Victor you wanted to make--”</p><p>“<em>Tembleque </em> and empanadas,” Victor said, sliding beside Benji and peering into the fridge, too, and began taking the necessary ingredients out and setting them on the counter. “I’m gonna need help with the empanadas, though.”</p><p>“Yeah I’m gonna need help cutting vegetables, as well,” Benji said as he washed his hands and started preparing the food. </p><p>“I’ve never celebrated Christmas before,” Shuang said as she grabbed a knife and began cutting some vegetables as Benji requested, working quickly. “In China it’s more of a commercial thing, so we only get some time off from school but don’t really do anything like this.”</p><p>“<em>Really? </em> That’s wild,” Victor replied, eyes widening. He stirred a pot full of coconut milk and other ingredients, as he had commandeered the stove to make the <em> tembleque </em> so it had a few hours to cool off and set. “But you guys have like New Year and stuff at least, right? And do you give each other gifts?”</p><p>“Oh yeah, I actually got you all some… <em> apples </em>,” Shuang said with a grin.</p><p>They continued chatting and working and occasionally dancing around the kitchen, but the cramped quarters made that difficult for more than a few moments. Victor asked Shuang to help him with making the dough and filling for the empanadas, as it was a task that worked better with more hands. Meanwhile, Benji stuck the turkey in the oven, happy it had been prepared the night before by Amir, because Benji didn’t care for touching raw meat. It helped that he generally didn’t eat a lot of it, either. </p><p>When they finished cooking what they could, and when all that could go in the oven was safely within the burning chamber, roasting away, and the living room had been set up and decorated, with a long table to accommodate several people and covered with a green and red checkered table cloth, along with pine cones and branches and candles set atop it, they decided to get dressed in their party clothes before their guests arrived. It was almost one at this point, and so they still had a bit of time but not much.</p><p>Victor stood in front of the mirror in Benji’s room shaving, because he’d forgotten to do so earlier that morning, since Benji’s alarm had woken them up at Satan’s ass crack o’clock. Now that all the bathrooms were occupied, Victor had no choice, and so he tried to stay still as he felt Benji’s eyes on him, steadying his breathing so he wouldn’t nick himself as he was wont to do.</p><p>Benji buttoned up his shirt, a navy one with a collar and white and light green feathers that looked like flower petals curling around in the wind, and tucked his shirt into his forest green trousers. He threw on a matching blazer, not bothering to button it, and tied a little red bow tie around his neck. As he studied himself in the mirror, he chanced a glance to the side, where Victor locked his pupil with his and let out a soft, breathy chuckle. </p><p>“I like your outfit,” Victor said as he wiped his face in a damp towel, checking himself in the mirror to ensure he didn’t miss anything or cut himself, before applying some after shave.</p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said as he straightened out his tie. “I like your face. And now I can kiss you without being in pain.”</p><p>Grinning, Victor leaned down to capture Benji’s lips for a brief moment before the other nuzzled his cheek against his now clean-shaven face. </p><p>“You’re enjoying that a little too much,” Victor said with a chuckle as he pulled away and went to dig around in his bag for his outfit for the day.</p><p>“What can I say? I missed touching your skin after all this time,” Benji replied, sitting down on the bed and looking at his phone as he tried not to stare at Victor as he changed. </p><p>Humming, Victor put on a white button up, which he tucked into a pair of black slacks, with a red and black floral printed velvet blazer, buttoning it up and tying a green tie around his neck. When he was done, Benji looked up at him with a smile. </p><p>“Ready for your makeover?” Benji asked, and Victor made a face.</p><p>As if on cue, a knock at the door interrupted them.</p><p>“Come to my room, I’m not lugging all my shit in here,” came Soledad’s voice from the other side of the door.</p><p>Shaking his head, Benji offered a hand to Victor and led them down the corridor to Soledad’s room, where she’d laid out all her makeup on basically every surface that would accommodate it, a scattered, colorful disaster resembling the many dots of a Seurat when viewed up close. She welcomed them in, motioning to her bed.</p><p>“So I had a bit of a thought… Let me know if you think it’s a horrible idea, but I think it’ll look really neat on you two,” Soledad explained, finishing off the little green, red and blue half-wreath she had drawn on her eyelid.</p><p>Benji and Victor stared at each other first, and then at Soledad, concerned. </p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, I’m not gonna do anything crazy,” Soledad added, clicking her tongue. “Just a little eye makeup and concealer. You two look like you didn’t sleep at all.”</p><p>“We really didn’t,” Victor acknowledged, winking at Benji.</p><p>“Gross, I don’t need to know that you two fucked,” Soledad teased, earning a shove from Benji.</p><p>“You know that’s a lie, you’d ask me about <em> all </em>the details,” Benji retorted.</p><p>“Really, Benji? <em> All </em>the details?” Victor said with a giggle. </p><p>“I--you know what, you’re right, who do I think I am,” Soledad conceded, nudging Victor in the shoulder. “<em> Anyway, </em>back to business. We’re gonna have people over soon.”</p><p>“Okay, okay. You work on Vic and I can do my own makeup,” Benji said. “Not like I don’t do it literally every single day or anything.”</p><p>“But it looks better when I do it,” Soledad said with a pout, then sighed in defeat. “Fine, you can do the eyeliner but I’ll do the rest. Use this.”</p><p>She handed him a tube of gold liquid eyeliner, and he raised an eyebrow at it as he uncapped it and tested it on the back of his hand. He stood up to be closer to the mirror. “Okay this is kinda neat.”</p><p>“Just put it on,” Soledad said, grabbing Victor by the hand and pulling him a bit closer to her. “Now you… stop staring at Benji’s ass and close your eyes so I can work.”</p><p>“I’m closing my eyes because I felt like it, not because you told me to,” Victor teased, complying regardless. “Also, I can’t help it that Benji has a great ass.”</p><p>He reached out blindly and poked Benji in the leg, and Benji snorted, thanking whatever higher power that may or may not exist that he had pulled the eyeliner away from his face just a moment before.</p><p>“You’re so lucky I wasn’t still drawing or I would have messed up and probably cried,” Benji retorted, examining himself in the mirror, impressed with his own handiwork. “Okay, this slaps.”</p><p>“And what do we say to Soledad?” Soledad said as she began drawing on Victor’s eyes with silver eyeliner and glanced at Benji, making eye contact with him in the mirror.</p><p>“<em>Thank you, </em>” Benji said in a sing-song voice as he lined his lids, humming along to one of the songs playing from the speakers down the hall.</p><p>When he was done, he sat down beside Victor on the bed, watching as Soledad worked her magic. She bit her lip in concentration, holding Victor’s chin so he wouldn’t move, and he sat like a statue aside from his occasionally fluttering eyelids. </p><p>“This looks really nice with your skin tone,” Soledad said as she finished. “And you didn’t blink <em> that </em>much, I’m proud of you. But now, I need to do the bottom bit.”</p><p>“Can I see what it looks like?” Victor asked, opening and closing his hand as Soledad passed him a hand mirror. “Huh. Pretty cool.”</p><p>“More like pretty <em> hot </em>,” Benji said, kissing Victor gently on the cheek. </p><p>“Okay but <em> you’re </em>hotter,” Victor said, reaching out and holding Benji by the chin and examining his makeup. “You did a good job as well. How do you not cry when doing the bottom line?”</p><p>“You’re both hot and the trick is practice,” Soledad cut in, turning Victor’s head toward her again. “Again, don’t blink.”</p><p>Victor withstood a moment but no longer, eye twitching as soon as Soledad began drawing, earning him a tut from her. When she finished, Soledad enlisted Benji to help her with applying some maroon eye shadow, because she knew she could trust him to hold a makeup brush properly and not absolutely fuck it up. They chatted a bit more, turning to lighter topics, like how much they hated the last season of Game of Thrones, before drifting to the inevitable.</p><p>“Have you had a chance to mentally prepare for when Ish shows up?” Soledad asked as she put some concealer under Victor’s eyes, just a bit to cover the result of his barely five hours of sleep.</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, it’s not a whole thing,” Victor said coolly. Benji shifted beside him, chewing on his lip.</p><p>“Really?” Benji asked, taking Victor by the hand. “I honestly thought you were just saying that the other day, but you seem… unfazed.”</p><p>“Wait… <em> should </em>I be worried?” </p><p>“No, you <em> shouldn’t </em>,” Soledad said, raising an eyebrow. “Benji, what do you want from him?”</p><p>For a long moment, Benji was silent, contemplating. He really <em> didn’t </em>know what he had been expecting from Victor, and there was something that still nagged him deep within his core, an unscratchable itch. He loved Victor, he trusted him, and he knew Victor felt the same toward him; but there was something that he was expecting, a question he was needlessly asking -- would Victor fight for him a second time?</p><p><em> Of course he would </em>, Benji thought, answering his own question. But Victor being jealous wasn’t him fighting for Benji, it was another trap, another attempt at wresting control and imprisoning him behind the cold, iron bars of a cage. And Benji should have seen how wrong he was to think that way before, but he hadn’t been properly confronted about it until now. He’d almost sabotaged himself; he wouldn’t let it happen again.</p><p>“Thank you, Soledad,” Benji said simply. “Can I talk to you in private, babe?”</p><p>“Thanks,” Victor said with a wave, before following after Benji, eyebrow quirked.</p><p>They returned to Benji’s room to avoid the prying ears of his flatmates.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Victor.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>Benji blinked a few times to collect himself, not wanting to ruin his eye makeup. “I shouldn’t keep trying to test you to see if you’re jealous and hoping that you would be in order to validate me.”</p><p>Victor sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. “So you wanted me to be jealous.”</p><p>“Yes. I know it’s not healthy, but I wanted you to hate him and not get on with him because I guess I… feel like if you’re not jealous, you don’t care enough about me. Which is so dumb, but that’s how I feel,” Benji said, sitting down and wrapping his arms around Victor’s elbow.</p><p>“Shh… babe, it’s okay. I’ll admit I was a bit jealous when you first told me but I got over it. I’ve accepted that it happened. And it doesn’t matter because in the end, <em> I’m </em> the one who gets to be with you, so why should I be jealous of someone who <em> doesn’t </em> get to? It makes no sense.”</p><p>“<em>Oh. </em>Yeah, when you put it like that it’s ridiculous, isn’t it. I know it’s irrational, and I’ll just have to be okay with it the same way you had to be okay with knowing what happened between him and me.”</p><p>“Feelings do have a tendency to do that,” Victor said with a chuckle, brushing Benji’s hair from his face and kissing his forehead.</p><p>“Yeah, I talked about this a bit in therapy, but I guess some of the shit Derek said to me in an attempt to rationalize and justify his jealous behaviors have still stuck with me. I need to tell him to shut the fuck up.”</p><p>“His existence really was a mistake,” Victor said, and they both burst out laughing.</p><p>Outside their door, voices began to filter down the corridor, a sweet yet cursed melody that indicated it was time to get on with things.</p><p>“Oh shit, I forgot about the turkey,” Benji said, eyes widening as he bolted upright.</p><p>He ran out of the room, Victor on his heels, and lo and behold, Ish had just arrived, two of his friends in tow. Benji greeted them with a wave, and Victor approached, hands in his pockets.</p><p>“Hey, you must be Ismail, right?” Victor said, extending his hand with a smile. “Victor. Merry Christmas, man. Even though I know you don’t celebrate.”</p><p>“Good to finally meet you. Call me Ish,” the other man said, eyeing him, two pairs of deep brown orbs reflecting each others’ images in a mirror. “And I’m at a Christmas party, so… Happy Christmas. I’ve heard a lot about you, yeah.”</p><p>“Only good things I hope…? Actually, nevermind, that was a silly question,” Victor said with a chuckle, scratching the back of his head as he blushed a bit before clearing his throat. “Anyway…”</p><p>“If it’s any consolation, it <em> was </em> mostly good things, bruv,” Ish said with a chuckle, his eyes seeming to bore into Victor’s core as he stared down at him.</p><p>“Oh, thank goodness,” Victor said, exhaling loudly. “I was honestly expecting to get dragged but everyone’s been so… <em> nice </em>.”</p><p>“It’s all because of Soledad. She may seem a bit… prickly, but I think she has a sixth sense or something that can detect if people are actually good or if they’re shit,” Ish said, stroking his beard. “I see she got to you with the eyeliner. She used to chase me around with it, as well. I kinda miss it, yeah.”</p><p>From the kitchen, Benji observed Victor and Ish as they conversed with rapt attention like an owl surveying the forest floor at night from its perch. Part of him had his hackles raised, the instinct to pounce if what could inevitably become a brawl coursing through his veins like poisonous adrenaline. Another part of him looked on curiously, trying to make out what they could possibly be discussing. And the final part of him swelled with pride, which he knew is what he <em> should </em>have felt when he realized that Victor had surprised him with his mature and level-headed attitude toward the knowledge that Benji had given into his worst impulses with one of his friends. He couldn’t help but smile when Victor and Ish broke into laughter over something he wasn’t privy to. </p><p>Sighing contentedly now that he knew he truly had nothing to worry about, Benji began assembling the food they had made, along with some of the things others had brought with them. </p><p>“Need any help?” came Victor’s voice from behind him, making Benji jump.</p><p>“We should start carrying stuff out in a second,” Benji said, turning around to see Victor standing only a few inches in front of him. “I saw you chatting with Ish, by the way.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? Could you tell me why British people <em> love </em>to talk about politics and religion right when they meet a person?”</p><p>They chuckled for a moment before Benji’s expression faltered a bit. “I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while now, actually… What did you do when we were broken up? Weren’t you… lonely?”</p><p>“No, I didn’t fuck anyone else if that’s what you’re asking. You know, because of the whole regret thing,” Victor said, bristling for a moment before he softened and added, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I was judging you or anything. Like, I don’t own you. What you did with someone else after we broke up isn’t my business. And I may have resented you for being able to leave Atlanta and have a life away from me, but I <em> never </em> resented you for sleeping with him.”</p><p>“I’m… not surprised you would resent me for leaving. Honestly, I would resent me, too. And I know we shouldn’t play the suffering Olympics, either. But if it’s any consolation, I was thinking of you the whole time. To the point where it literally started driving me crazy.”</p><p>“Luckily, I’ve moved past that. And I never doubted it when you said you loved me,” Victor reassured him, brushing his cheek with his thumb. “But I know a lot of times when we’re hurting we can do stuff we aren’t proud of. You’re literally looking at the king of stupid and rash decisions. But you could have also hooked up with a stranger and been <em> really </em>irresponsible, so I guess the fact that it was one of your friends isn’t… the worst thing.”</p><p>Benji could feel tears forming in his eyes as he spoke. If this had been a conversation they had even a few months ago, he would have questioned if he even deserved this sort of unconditional acceptance. But now all he could think about was how he seemed to grow even more in love with Victor with each passing moment and each positive affirmation. No matter what he did, he would never be able to scare Victor away, he realized.</p><p>“Thank you for saying that. I appreciate you not trying to make me feel bad for that.”</p><p>“Of course. And for the record, Ish actually seems pretty cool so I get why you would like him. I would probably do the same as you if I were in your place,” Victor replied, his tone becoming teasing, and Benji couldn’t help but laugh. The wound wasn’t as fresh anymore, so it didn’t sting much.</p><p>Pulling himself closer to Victor, Benji wrapped his arms around the other’s back and pressed his lips to Victor’s. Returning the kiss, Victor gripped at Benji’s waist before letting his hand roam up Benji’s side. He wouldn’t let him go again. </p><p>When they broke apart, Benji said: “I don’t wanna talk about him anymore right now.”</p><p>“Sounds good,” Victor replied, playing with Benji’s sleeve as he gazed into the other’s eyes. “Why did you ask, by the way? About what I was up to while we were apart?”</p><p>“I guess him being around just got me thinking,” Benji said with a shrug. “Anyway, we should probably get to it before people start to complain about there being no food.”</p><p>They began to put food out for their guests, telling them all to help themselves. Soon, more of their friends arrived, including Victor’s roommate Xavier and some of his other friends from uni and basketball, each new set of arrivals opening up another round of introductions and questions. And soon it reminded Benji of why he didn’t host parties if he could avoid it. </p><p>Eventually, Victor ended up sitting on the couch beside Ish and some other friends, arguing over Marvel movies as he sipped on some mulled wine after Benji insisted that he was fine with it. Benji shuffled over from where he had been chatting with Soledad, Shuang and some of their other friends from school. He perched on the arm of the couch and draped himself over Victor. </p><p>“You havin’ fun, babe?” Benji whispered in Victor’s ear.</p><p>“Mhm,” Victor replied, mouth scrunching to the side as Benji leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. “That can’t be comfortable, B. Wanna sit on my lap?”</p><p>Victor patted the top of his thigh as he took another sip of wine as he wiggled his eyebrows, and Benji rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Okay, you sat here on purpose so I wouldn’t have a choice,” Benji teased as he slid from where he’d perched down to the warmth of Victor’s embrace, letting his back rest against his chest as Victor wrapped an arm around his waist. “How’s your vino?”.</p><p>“It’s kinda like… spicy, orangey grape juice? I like it, though.”</p><p>“Hmm… I guess I’ll just have to imagine it. Smells nice but I don’t actually have the desire to drink. Looks like my body finally got the hint that drinking makes me feel like shit.”</p><p>“Would it stop you from kissing me?” Victor asked, setting his empty glass down on the table before him. </p><p>“Never,” Benji said as he turned in Victor’s arms, bringing his knees up as he faced Victor. </p><p>He pressed his lips to Victor’s, tasting the almost saccharine flavor of wine on Victor’s tongue, deepening the kiss as the presence of their guests slipped from both their minds. Benji slid his hands up to grip at the hair on the back of Victor’s head, while Victor brought his other arm around Benji’s back, slipping it under his blazer as he pulled him closer, cradling him to his chest as if he intended to smuggle him into a fortress inside his own jacket like a treasure--and even though he was very much human, he was also Victor’s most precious treasure. </p><p>When they pulled away panting, remembering that they had an audience, they reddened like two wild strawberries on a bush with light cast on them by the sun. Some of their friends had already begun to leave and the party was winding down, but Benji still felt the presence of others around them to be leaden at this point. </p><p>“You wanna get some air?” Victor asked, shifting a bit under Benji’s weight.</p><p>“Brilliant idea,” Benji said as he rose and offered a hand to help Victor up.</p><p>They threw on their jackets and shoes, and traipsed through the kitchen out onto the balcony where they could finally be alone, breathing in the cool, damp air. Leaning over the railing, they stood for a moment in comfortable silence before Victor broke it.</p><p>“It’s good we decided to do this because I completely forgot that I have a special gift for you… I didn’t want anyone else to see it because uh… it’s kinda embarrassing,” Victor said as he dug around inside his breast pocket and withdrew a gift bag the size of a book.</p><p>“Are you gonna make me read again?” Benji teased as he took it, before becoming serious again. “Thank you.”</p><p>“No, it’s not a book, I’m not <em> that </em>basic,” Victor replied, connecting his gaze with Benji’s as he blushed a bit. “It’s… something I made for you. And it’ll be ideal for this weather, actually.”</p><p>“<em>Oh </em>,” Benji said, feeling his face flush, too. </p><p>He opened the bag, finding within it a crocheted teal scarf. It wasn’t perfect by any means, with some points a bit misshapen from where the stitches had been dropped, but Benji figured if he tied it right, it wouldn’t be noticeable. Benji stared at it for a moment before he beamed up at Victor, immediately wrapping it around his own neck. </p><p>“Victor, this is so lovely. Thank you,” Benji said, feeling the soft ridges of the yarn under his fingers. “I can’t believe you learned to crochet, you’re literally a grandma.”</p><p>“It was actually surprisingly relaxing,” Victor said, giving Benji a crooked smile before he gently poked the other’s nose and kissed him on the forehead. </p><p>“Now I feel kinda bad that I didn’t make you something cute like this so you could actually have it for a long time... I know you said you didn’t want anything fancy…”</p><p>“Benji, <em> everything </em>you give me is always really sweet and thoughtful,” Victor remarked.</p><p>“Okay, you’re right. I do give really good gifts,” Benji said, opening the door to the balcony and holding his finger up in front of him. “Just wait one moment. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Nodding, Victor did as Benji asked, and Benji sprinted inside to his room, passing their guests who were deep in the throes of conversation, his scarf smacking against him gently. He grabbed a little sparkly green gift bag before returning to the cool outside air.</p><p>“Welcome back,” Victor said with a warm smile to counteract the winter chill.</p><p>Biting his lip, Benji passed the bag to Victor and said: “I made you a few things. Like, I know you like sweets, so I made you some um… jam. And I also baked you some different types of cookies. I was learning how to make macarons and they’re… kinda tricky but I think these came out pretty good. Hope you like it all.”</p><p>Victor’s lips curled up in a grin, his face lighting up instantly as he opened the bag and peered inside, removing each item individually and gasping at every one. Benji giggled.</p><p>“And you said<em> I </em>was the grandma,” Victor said, before following it up with a: “Thank you so much, B. I don’t know if they’ll last til tomorrow…”</p><p>“I’m glad you like them. But that’s not all…” Benji said, running his fingers along the scarf. “I did get us something for the both of us when we go to Edinburgh next week… So you know how we were talking about getting tattoos a bit ago?” </p><p>“Mhm,” Victor hummed, his eyes beginning to sparkle in the light reflecting off the lamp posts outside. </p><p>“I figured we might as well do it. What do you think?”</p><p>“You’re the best, B,” Victor said, before kissing Benji again. He breathed against his lips: “Thank you.”</p><p>They stayed outside in the cool air for a bit in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company and listening to each other’s breathing--because today, of all the days of the year, was one of the few times when they could hear nothing but the sound of the slush careening to the earth, avoiding their heads thanks to the little roof above them. Even the roads, which were usually populated by pedestrians, stood deserted.</p><p>“A little over a year ago, I started smoking out here on this balcony,” Benji said, his voice almost disturbing their peace, but not quite. “And, uh, also… it was where I kissed Ish for the first time, ironically. He was the one who got me into the whole thing.”</p><p>Victor took Benji’s hand in his own, their fingers slowly succumbing to the lower vibrational energy of the temperature outside. He said: “I’m glad we’re not fucking with drugs anymore. And it’s good we have better coping mechanisms now, too.”</p><p>“Yeah… I still miss it though, sometimes. It was a mistake to even start... “ Benji said with a sigh, before turning back to look at Victor. “How ‘bout you?”</p><p>“I mean, since I’m not stressed out anymore I haven’t really had the urge to use anything, either. It doesn’t help that it’s hard to find weed around here… Same with Adderall, actually. But like I said, I can do without it. Who knows what it’ll be like once I’m working, though. I hope I don’t need to use it again… But I guess I could probably just take antidepressants if I need them. They seem to be working well for you.”</p><p>“For the most part… yeah…” </p><p>“Why only ‘for the most part’? Are the side effects bad or…?”</p><p>Benji looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to Victor, the lines from their pupils intersecting. </p><p>“It’s mostly just one major side effect that means it’s… difficult for me to experience… arousal. Basically, my dick doesn’t work the way it used to,” Benji said with a bitter laugh, dropping the information before them like a live grenade--or so he thought it would be.</p><p>Pressing his lips together into a thin line and furrowing his brows, Victor rested his hand on Benji’s cheek before he spoke: “I had the same problem when I was self-medicating with Adderall. So I know it can be really fucking annoying.”</p><p>“Wait, really?”</p><p>“Yeah. I thought I was going crazy, too, but it’s just one of those things that can happen. There are ways to work around it, though.”</p><p>Upon hearing that not only was Victor calm about the situation, but that he knew how to deal with it, Benji exhaled, relief washing over him like a fog over the banks of the Thames, engulfing the buildings lining the river. </p><p>“I was just… really worried about it even though I shouldn’t have been because, well… I miss being intimate with you and having sex and doing all the fun stuff we used to do before and I thought we wouldn’t be able to that anymore,” Benji said, blinking a few times to send the tears that threatened to drip from his eyes and ruin his makeup back where they came from.</p><p>“Really all we need to do is take our time and be patient, and I know I don’t have the best reputation for that but… It’s worth it. <em> You’re </em> worth it. Because I miss being able to do all that with you, too. We’ll figure it out together.”</p><p>“It’s getting a lot easier to do this whole ‘say what’s on your mind’ thing,” Benji acknowledged, snuggling into Victor’s side for warmth with a soft smile. “Do you wanna try when we go away on our trip together next week?”</p><p>“That would be amazing,” Victor replied, mirroring Benji’s expression. “I love you so much, B. And I’m so glad you’re feeling comfortable enough to tell me what’s bothering you.”</p><p>“I love you, too, Vic. But I actually kinda wanted to talk more about what we were talking about earlier… Because it’s still on my mind. The fact that you and Ish have been getting along is really throwing me through a loop.”</p><p>“Are <em> you </em> jealous?” Victor teased, wrapping his arms around Benji’s back as the other slipped his arms around his middle. </p><p>“What? No…just… intrigued. I guess I just never imagined my boyfriend and the guy I slept with because I was sad would ever meet in real life,” Benji thought aloud as Victor tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear. </p><p>“I guess it’s a bit strange but it happens. Also, for the record, he’s definitely not my type. <em> You’re </em>the only one who’s my type,” Victor said, holding him a bit tighter and leaning down to plant a soft kiss on Benji’s lips, lingering a moment before he pulled away.</p><p>Benji gave him a crooked smile as he squeezed him back, then rested his forehead against Victor’s, the intense waves of calm and unbridled adoration hitting him at once in full force, threatening to knock him from his feet. If he hadn’t been tangled up in Victor’s arms like a knitting pattern, he would have fallen. </p><p>“I’m not worried, I know,” Benji said with a small chuckle. “He’s not pretty enough, is that what you’re saying?”</p><p>“He’s too <em> tall </em>,” Victor corrected with a smirk, before he laughed at his own joke and earned a smack on the arm from Benji. “And yeah, he’s not pretty like you, obviously. Although I gotta say… I feel like he and I could be friends. Is that weird?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s weird. Are you sure you’re not trying to like… overcompensate?”</p><p>“Hmm… I don’t know. But I also feel like I just get along with most people,” Victor said after a moment of thinking. “Plus we both have pretty conservative families and you know there’s always a bunch of stuff to talk about there.”</p><p>“That makes sense,” Benji acknowledged, staring off across the urban landscape. “I mean he’s also still my friend, too, so it would be a bit hypocritical of me to say you can’t also be his friend. But anyway. I’m cold. And people have probably gone home already.”</p><p>They retreated back into the heat of the flat, peeling off their layers and allowing the air, still full with the smell of food and wine, to overcome them. At this point only a few people remained, but they appeared to be inching toward the door with each passing second. The flat was a mess of plates and cups and wrapping paper strewn about and resembling a Dadaist painting, but no one was in their mind enough to do anything about it. Tomorrow would be another day for stripping away the paint. The feeling of waiting, kept at bay for all this time, was still nowhere to be found.</p><p>Pausing only to wash away the colors from their eyes, Benji and Victor collapsed into bed, a collection of vines and roots bound together tightly as the earth of the night claimed them until morning.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, what did you think of the second to last chapter of this story? Were you surprised by the developments? I'm curious to hear ya'll's thoughts as always and I hope I can finish the final chapter soon so I can share it with you all. It will continue to be sweet and fluffy though so I hope you continue to enjoy this and have appreciated the journey so far! Anyway, I'm curious to see what ya'll think regarding B and Vic's approaches to jealousy and healthy, open communication. And remember, 1 comment = 1 Venji kiss and 1 productive and honest conversation because we love that here!! See you next update!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Reincarnation (Part I of III)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Victor and Benji go to Edinburgh. </p><p>I've created a playlist for this story in case you want to listen while you read...</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeydTQ4RTt4dNs454mmexJDhafekJxvOU">YouTube music playlist</a>
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  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EBO2o9Ao0Ss9tQeWJ1000?si=xADYh2eNT_aY9KYVrXX45Q">Spotify music playlist</a>
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          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi all, thank you so much for waiting patiently for all this time, I appreciate you all. As you can tell from the chapter title, this is a long one, so I decided to split it up into 3 parts to make it more manageable to get through. But I can't believe this is the end. It's so bittersweet but I had a lot of fun with this story generally but also with this chapter in particular, because our boys deserve to have a nice time after all they had to go through. Anyway, I'll leave the bulk of my thoughts for the end notes in the last part haha. Anyway, enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor stared out the window, humming along to the soft music of Dolly Parton floating into his eardrums from one of the earbuds he had borrowed from Benji. He watched the greenery of the English countryside roll by, the hills and forests and fields slipping away and replacing each other over time in his mind’s eye; it filled Victor with a sense of calm, his mind quieting, breathing decelerating, his heart’s beat falling victim to the homeostatic regulating mechanisms that ensured his body staved off any unneeded sense of doom. For the first time in a while, he was content.</p><p>After a few more moments of gazing into the mesmerizing abyss of green and brown, Victor glanced down to his lap, where Benji had laid his head as he stared up at the screen of the Nintendo Switch in his hands, using their jackets as a cushion. Benji’s eyes shifted from the screen to Victor’s face, and his lip curled up subconsciously; he pointed to his mouth with a mischievous glint in his irises, and Victor rolled his own eyes as he leaned down to close the space between them.</p><p>“How’s your game going?” Victor asked, running his fingers through Benji’s hair as he gently moved it out from beneath his cranium and instead splayed it around his head like a little halo.</p><p>“Mm… not bad, I guess. I’ve been trying to catch snowflakes for the past hour, though, and so far it’s not looking too hot,” Benji replied, as he moved his leg out of the aisle so as to not block anyone’s path.</p><p>“That sounds annoying. For a game that’s supposed to be peaceful and wholesome it can definitely get on your nerves.”</p><p>“Yeah… but I still can’t wait til we get to Edinburgh so I can <em> finally </em> visit your island. You’re being so shady keeping it a secret.”</p><p>“It’s not my fault the wifi on the train is… kinda shitty. But also I… have some final adjustments to make before I have any guests over. And don’t forget I haven’t been to yours, either, only from afar. Right now I just wanna chill and take a break from looking at a screen.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s fair,” Benji said with a grin as he played with the edge of the scarf Victor had made for him, which he couldn’t help but wear proudly. “But we’ll be there soon, and we can just hang out and play after we go explore the city a bit.”</p><p>“Cool. Do you have anywhere in particular you wanna go?” </p><p>“We’ll see what’s nearby but maybe we can go down to the beach for a bit.”</p><p>“It’s the middle of winter, we’ll freeze our asses off.”</p><p>“Sometimes it’s worth it.”</p><p>With a sigh and a smile, Victor rested his hand on Benji’s cheek as he simply watched him for a moment. Benji was right; sometimes it <em> was </em>worth it to risk freezing to go to the beach, just for the sake of the experience. </p><p>Over the loudspeaker, the announcement that the next stop was York blared through the mostly-empty carriage. That meant they still had about half of the journey ahead of them.</p><p>“Can we switch seats?” Benji asked, shutting off his Switch and putting it away before he slowly sat up.</p><p>“Sure. Tired of lying on my lap? You’re cozy, like my own little portable furnace.”</p><p>Scoffing and feigning offense, Benji frowned before he said: “I can’t believe you would objectify me like that. And you’re only 2 inches taller than me, I’m not <em> that </em>little.”</p><p>“I said what I said,” Victor said with a grin, poking Benji in the side.</p><p>Benji chuckled, rolling his eyes and tipping his head to the side. “I wanna look out the window, actually. And that way you can lie in <em> my </em>lap,” he teased as he slid out of his seat.</p><p>“I think I might be too tall for that and my legs are too long,” Victor replied with a comically deep frown, as Benji slipped into the window seat and immediately took to staring out at the passing paysage.</p><p>Suddenly, Benji pointed out the window. “Look, Vic! Cows! And… sheep? Oh, there’s a dog, too… that’s so fucking cute,” he said, whispering the last part more to himself than to Victor.</p><p>“I heard ‘dog’,” Victor said, immediately perking up, pulling his phone out of his pocket and opening the camera application before pressing his cheek against Benji’s as he followed his boyfriend’s gaze. “Oh my god, where? I can’t see anything.”</p><p>“It’s right there… you see that little black fluffy thing chasing the sheep?”</p><p>“Uh… wait, holy crap, you’re right,” Victor said, snapping a few pictures with a smile. “Now lemme get one of you with the scenery in the background.”</p><p>“Hell yeah,” Benji replied, holding both hands up next to his face and flashing two peace signs as Victor giggled. </p><p>“So now I have an excuse to change my phone wallpaper,” Victor said in a sing-song voice, before he pocketed his phone and gently tipped Benji’s chin up, taking his boyfriend’s lips in his own.</p><p>Benji hummed into Victor’s mouth as he clutched at the front of his sweater, pulling him as close as he could, forgetting that they were technically in public. But that happened a lot lately; they’d come a long way from when they were younger and thought they had to hide themselves behind a partition, to exist only where the light didn’t touch. And when they pulled away, breathing heavily, still entwined with one another and mirrored in each other’s irises, they couldn’t stop themselves from reflecting on how lucky they were to have found solace against each other’s lips and in each other’s arms again.</p><p>Victor chuckled, fixing a bit of Benji’s hair and patting it down. Benji shifted beside him so that he could lean on Victor’s chest, and Victor watched as the dispersed light from the cloud cover radiated coolly behind him. </p><p>That was something he loved about this part of the world, Victor realized; that it didn’t over exaggerate or pretend to be something grander than it was. There was a history of grandeur, yes, but all he could see was the humanity, the humility, the knowledge that reality is exactly as it seems, not the fantasy of what will never be. He smiled as he nuzzled his face against Benji’s cheek, arm resting on Benji’s hip, his smile widening as Benji pressed back against him, willing and honest.</p><p>They stayed like that for a while, chatting about nothing and everything and enjoying each other's company, the heat of their bodies pressed against each other acting as a shield from the ills of the world and the falling temperature outside. No one could touch them; it was as if their little bubble of self-love, made even more powerful with their love for each other, insulated them, providing them with tranquility and strength. </p><p>Soon the train made it to its last stop and they grabbed their things before disembarking into the cold late afternoon that could easily be mistaken for the middle of the night. They took the bus to their Airbnb, which was a bit away from the city center and more on the coast, which gave Benji even more of an onus to drag Victor along to the beach with him, even if it would be for a short period as the tips of their fingers froze off and fell into the sand.</p><p>“So… this is it,” Benji said, as he opened the heavy wooden door to the flat in a building made of dark beige bricks, turned on the lights, and took off his shoes before he stepped aside for Victor to follow him inside.</p><p>“Wow…” Victor breathed, as he shut the door behind him gently and kicked off his shoes, looking around what would be their home for the next few days. “B, this is <em> so </em>nice.”</p><p>“I know, right? But you’re only seeing the hallway, Vic…” Benji said with a chuckle, as he dropped his bag on the floor in the main room.</p><p>Victor padded across the light colored hardwood floor, taking it all in. Through the small, narrow corridor, he came to their sparsely decorated and modern studio flat, equipped with a giant bed in the corner, a sand colored wardrobe pressed up against the light green wall a few feet from the bed, and a shaggy black carpet in the middle of the room. There was also a little open-plan kitchen with a small wooden table and two chairs against the wall, along with a fireplace sitting between the wardrobe and the kitchen. Just before the entrance to the room sat the bathroom, which housed a massive bathtub that Benji was looking forward to using at some point later on. At the end of the room, past the foot of the bed, a glass sliding door opened to the balcony overlooking the Water of Leith, which was the river that flowed through Edinburgh and emptied into the North Sea, and which at this hour, was entirely black.</p><p>Humming, Benji peeled his jacket off and draped it over one of the chairs before plopping face-first onto the bed and then rolling over to wrap himself in the blanket as if he were a holly blue encased in its cocoon. Victor smiled as he dropped his bag beside Benji’s and allowed himself to fall onto the bed before he wrapped his arms around Benji’s blanketed form and buried his face in the crook of the other’s neck.</p><p>“Can you share some of the covers with me, <em> mi vida </em>?” Victor asked, grinning against Benji’s skin.</p><p>“Hmm… I don’t know, <em> can </em>I?” Benji said, turning in Victor’s embrace. “I think you’ll have to unwrap me,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, before pausing and saying: “But like. Seriously. I don’t know how I did this.”</p><p>“God, you’re such a dork,” Victor said as he unfurled the blanket from around Benji and they both erupted into a fit of giggles.</p><p>“Thank you,” Benji said, wiping the corner of his eye with his sleeve. “You should take your jacket off so we can cuddle,” he added, stretching his arms out and opening and closing his fists like a little crab.</p><p>“Okay, okay. Gimme a second,” Victor said, as he shed his outer layer and tossed it aside before diving under the covers and into Benji’s arms. “But not for too long because knowing us, we’ll fall asleep and we’re <em> supposed </em>to be here to sightsee.”</p><p>“I’ll set an alarm,” Benji said, as he rested his head on Victor’s chest and draped an arm over his middle.</p><p>“<em>Anything </em> but that, babe. Or at least, pick one that isn’t that god awful default sound because it kinda bothers my PTSD a little bit.”</p><p>“O-oh, my bad. I didn’t know that,” Benji said with a frown as he picked up his phone for a moment, tapped around on it briefly, then tossed it behind him. “No alarms, then. But also uh… if you wanna talk about it, go ahead. You know I’m happy to listen.”</p><p>Benji lifted his head for a moment as he set his elbow down and shifted his weight over to it, resting his head on his palm so he could take in the view of Victor’s face. He sighed as he glanced down at Victor, cupping his cheek and stroking his warm skin with his thumb. That was something Victor hadn’t spoken about much, a secret compacted neatly into a locked box, then into another and another and buried deep within the earth in the remotest taiga, where the ground froze it inside for safekeeping. Perhaps, since they had found themselves so far up North, they could find it.</p><p>“You’re right… I <em> should </em> talk about it and like… the after effects of… you-know-who, and everything,” Victor said, staring up at Benji with his deep brown eyes that reminded Benji of the clay he would sculpt into pottery before it went into the kiln. “But let me preface this by saying I’m doing a lot better than I was. Like, I’m <em> mostly </em>better at this point. It’s just that, I guess… some things still bother me.”</p><p>Nodding, Benji brushed Victor’s hair away from his forehead and pressed his lips against it gently, a silent invitation for him to continue. Victor relaxed into his touch, dragging his hand lazily against Benji’s back. </p><p>“I was trying to suppress it for a while, honestly. Even the <em> one </em>time I mentioned it to you, I… was kinda glad we got off the subject quickly. Although thinking back on it, it might have been good to talk about it more.”</p><p>“To be honest, I think that was partially my own fault. I did kinda divert away from the subject and talk about myself, which wasn’t cool.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault. I know you were just trying to relate to me. Luckily, I don’t see all the blood anymore, and I guess the fact that… he survived that fall was able to put my mind at ease a bit. But sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he <em> had </em>actually died in front of me. Like, would I feel guilty about that? Would I feel responsible for it for the rest of my life?” Victor said, wiping his hand down his face with a soft exhale.</p><p>“Shit… I can’t tell you not to let your mind go there but I would probably ask myself the same questions,” Benji said, before nodding and urging Victor to continue.</p><p>“Honestly… It’s true that I shouldn’t think about these things but I did, for a while. I guess most people don’t have to witness that sort of thing so it’s hard to actually relate to, so I just kept it between me and my therapist. But… it can be pretty isolating to not be able to talk about it with the people you love. I think it fucked me up more than being in an actual accident, because I wasn’t responsible for someone <em> else </em>’s life, just my own in that case.”</p><p>Benji bit his lip, processing Victor’s words for a moment before he spoke. “Damn… that actually is pretty heavy, and it’s a lot to have to shoulder by yourself, even if you’re in therapy at the same time.”</p><p>“Yeah… Sometimes my progress feels slow and it can be sorta frustrating. But like I said, I’m doing a lot better. I… don’t feel the guilt or the self-loathing from that whole ordeal. And I don’t get triggered that frequently. But I still think about the death thing. I don’t know if it’s because we’re getting older or if it’s because we’ve seen some shit. And I know it’s just a question we’ve all had since like… the beginning of humanity… Like, what happens to us after? It pops into my mind from time to time.”</p><p>“I get that. And I’m glad you feel better about yourself and know it wasn’t your fault. I don’t want to like… change the subject to be about me again, but this conversation is making me remember how different my mind was when I was suicidal. Like, that was the one thing that kept me from going through with anything, was the uncertainty.”</p><p>Victor cradled Benji closer to his side, as if not doing so would cause Benji to float away and disappear. “I’ve always been taught that once you die, you go to either Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, depending on whether you were good or evil in this life, but at this point, I don’t know how much of that I believe anymore.”</p><p>“At this point, I don’t believe that, either. Plus, it’s hard to trust a book written by human beings, in the end, I think. None of us <em> actually </em> have all the answers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to figure it out. But I also definitely feel like there’s… <em> something </em>.” </p><p>“I feel like there are things I just know, though. Like… I was having a horrible time and I kept trying to pray, but eventually, I realized no one was listening. So I just gave up.”</p><p>“You sound a bit like a realist… or a nihilist, even,” Benji mused, looking off to the side, a fleeting movement, before he looked back into Victor’s eyes. “You used to be so much more religious than me.”</p><p>“Right? It’s interesting how much of a difference time can make. Like, lying in bed alone really gave me a chance to get to know myself and what I actually believe in. And I know it might sound sorta dark, but that’s just where I got to,” Victor said with a chuckle. </p><p>“To be fair, we’re constantly confronted by this stuff as we get older. But for me, for instance... I like the idea of reincarnation. That once we die, we come back as someone else, and the cycle just keeps on going… It makes me wonder if, in another life, you and I loved each other, and if we’re just destined to keep coming back together for all eternity. There’s something comforting about that.”</p><p>Sighing, Victor stared at the ceiling. “That does sound nice, and I wish I could believe that, but… something deep in my gut tells me that afterward, there’s just… nothing. We just go back to the state we were in before we were born. Just… no consciousness, ceasing to exist, as if we were never here. It’s terrifying. And lonely.”</p><p>“You could definitely argue that it would be peaceful, to no longer be exposed to the horrors of the world, but… I can see how that would be scary. To know how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. People who have a strong faith are really lucky in that respect, so that they don’t have to worry about these sorts of things, they just have the answer and it’s satisfying enough for them. It’s honestly kinda unfair.”</p><p>“Right... I’m a bit jealous. But then, I wouldn’t have to think about these sorts of things because in the end, we can’t control it. It’s completely out of our hands and it’s just… something I guess we need to make peace with. But it’s… hard.”</p><p>“But I guess that’s the fun in it, isn’t it? That we’re still here to question and speculate about our own existence. Even if we don’t know the <em> why </em> or the <em> what’s after </em> part of the story, it doesn’t make it all meaningless. I know you said a while back that we should stop trying to assign a purpose to the universe but… I still stand by my belief that everything has a purpose, even if we don’t see it right away.”</p><p>“I really wish I could agree but… I’m happy with the idea that we make our own purpose for our own sake. Although it would probably be more comforting if I knew that when I die I don’t cease to exist but I guess that’s the next best option.”</p><p>“That’s definitely something to think about,” Benji said, pursing his lips for a moment before he leaned down to kiss Victor, sighing into the other’s mouth as Victor pulled him into his arms and drew him to his chest so that Benji could rest atop him, their legs coiling under the covers like the spirals of two galaxies, simultaneously anchoring each other to the earth. When they pulled away, Benji smiled and said: “Not to cut our conversation short or anything but… I’m kinda getting hungry.”</p><p>“Now that you mention it… me, too. Thinking about life and death really worked up my appetite,” Victor replied, returning Benji’s grin as he patted his back gently.</p><p>“Ugh, that means we have to get up…”</p><p>“Yep, sounds like it,” Victor said, rolling them over to the other side of the bed until he was on the edge. He groaned as he removed himself from Benji’s embrace and slid down onto the floor before he held out his hands to Benji to help him up. “Sometimes you just gotta not think about it and <em> do </em>it. Wait that came out wrong--You know what I mean.”</p><p>“That’s good advice for… later,” Benji said, wiggling his eyebrows as he took Victor’s outstretched limbs in his own and rose to his feet.</p><p>They dressed themselves again and wandered out of the flat into the winter air once more, arms entwined as they walked along the river. </p><p>“Y’know, if we follow this river all the way East, we’ll get to the sea,” Benji said after a moment of comfortable silence draped itself between them like a fur coat, a welcome reprieve from the cold.</p><p>“How far is it?” Victor asked, glancing down to the inky surface beside them, his form reflecting back at him, a shadowy companion to them on their nighttime stroll.</p><p>“According to Google Maps… Like twenty minutes.”</p><p>“That’s not bad… and it’s not so cold, so we could go if you want. Especially after sitting on the train all day…”</p><p>Benji tightened his grip around Victor’s arm before he leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. “You’re the best, Vic.”</p><p>“No, <em> you </em> are,” Victor replied with a chuckle.</p><p>“We can both be the best, then.”</p><p>“I can live with that,” Victor said with a smile, ruffling Benji’s hair. “Lead the way, captain.”</p><p>They trekked along, taking the city in block by block. The area in which they were staying was quiet, the cobblestone streets mostly empty despite the early hour. Although, perhaps, Victor mused, most people were staying home due to the weather, because honestly, who else in their right minds would be out looking to go to the beach in temperatures approaching freezing, with snowfall expected in the coming days? </p><p>But it was no matter to Victor; as they passed by the colorful brick buildings, all he could think about was spending time with his favorite person. They would make the most of their trip there, even if it meant they would have to spend a few more hours missing the pleasant warmth of the world inside. </p><p>Soon they arrived at a little chip shop, because there weren’t many other places where they could get a cheap and filling meal as a student. The air within smelled loudly of fried food that gripped them by the stomachs painfully until they had their meals in their hands. </p><p>Once they finished, they continued their journey along the river until it began to widen as it joined the harbor in Leith. The port stretched out before and around them like a rainbow embrace as the streaks of colored lights cut through the water. </p><p>Even the warm brick facades of varied shades stood illuminated in the night, reminiscent of an image from one of the fairytales their parents read to them when they were growing up. The pointed church spires rising in the background and the fortified stone towers dating back hundreds of years, which lined the walkway, brought them further into that ambiance. </p><p>“Okay, which way now?” Victor asked, pulling himself back to reality after spending a full minute gaping at the view before them.</p><p>“I know it’s driving you nuts not being the navigator but I appreciate your patience,” Benji said, pressing himself closer to Victor’s side as if he hoped to paste himself to him as he shivered a bit and sniffled, before burying his face in Victor’s shoulder. “It’s just a bit farther down this way,” he said, leading them down the path where the sky brightened as if illuminated by the celestial Aurora Borealis, even though they were too far south to see it.</p><p>Victor glanced at Benji from the corner of his eye, tipping his head to the side as he watched the lights dance across Benji’s face and sclerae. He squinted, blinking a few times before he glanced around, then back to Benji, noticing that nothing had changed. Stopping in his tracks, Victor smiled. “Hold up.”</p><p>“Is everything all right?” Benji asked, almost experiencing a heavy dose of whiplash. </p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… Look at me,” Victor said gently, turning to face Benji and resting his palm against his boyfriend’s cheek. </p><p>Benji did as he’d asked, raising his gaze to Victor’s curiously. “I’m looking. And your hand is… really warm,” he said, relaxed and pliable at Victor’s touch.</p><p>“It was in my pocket…” Victor said with a grin. “I was just thinking… about how pretty you are, especially with all this,” he motioned to the scenery with a soft chuckle. </p><p>Biting his lip as he smiled, Benji rested his icy hand over Victor’s and laced their fingers together. “Pretty enough to kiss, I hope?” he asked, the light fluttering in his chest a welcome sensation.</p><p>“Always,” Victor said, pressing his mouth against Benji’s as the other wrapped his arms around his back, their eyelashes tickling each other’s cheeks.</p><p>“And for the record, you’re pretty, too, Vic… pretty <em> distracting </em>,” Benji teased when they pulled away.</p><p>Victor breathe-laughed through his nose. “You’re right, we’ll never make it to the beach if I don’t do something about that,” he said, wrapping his scarf around his face as Benji chuckled. “But to be fair, you’re… distracting-<em> er </em>,” he added, voice muffled by the fabric. </p><p>“That was <em> so </em> romantic. Shakespearean, even,” Benji said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and pulling Victor along by the arm as they giggled, continuing their barrages of light-hearted teasing until they arrived at their destination for the evening. </p><p>“Remind me again why you <em> needed </em>us to come here as soon as possible?” Victor asked as they walked across the sand that crunched under their feet like the shards of glass they would eventually become.</p><p>“Because… I missed it. And it’s different from the ‘beach’ on the Thames. Also, I spent a lot of time thinking on the beach, when I was alone… thinking about <em> you, </em>specifically. So… I wanted to see if it was any different this time around,” Benji said, approaching the waves as they lapped at the shore.</p><p>“Do you feel a difference?” Victor asked quietly, as if speaking any louder would bring them back to the time they had been desperately wanting to move beyond, to accelerate forward while simultaneously being able to savor every moment together, to freeze them in time so they could be united as such for eternity; but they knew that was a pipe dream, a naïve wish reserved for children. But they were grown, and so for them, time charged on into infinity. </p><p>“I do,” Benji said as he gazed off into the distance. “And I thought we might be able to see Norway from here, but it’s… too far and what we <em> would </em>be able to see would be another part of Scotland. Which is still pretty cool.”</p><p>“Huh… interesting…” Victor said, staring at Benji’s oblivious profile. There was something about listening to Benji, to seeing more of what was on his mind, that drew Victor closer to him with each uttered word that painted the air for a moment before dissipating and joining the mist that interspersed itself everywhere they went in this part of the world, inescapable but fulfilling the opposite of what its purpose seemed to be; the earth, the sea, the sky--it all became clear through the fog. Victor could see the beauty of reality in that instant.</p><p>Benji crouched down in the sand at the water’s edge, rummaging through the sand and picking out the little cone-shaped, swirled shells which were formerly the residence of the snails that inhabited the sea, along with the halves of bivalves with their gently ridged outer surfaces, most of which lay broken, but some that Benji found intact; but even the broken ones were pretty when he shined the light from his phone on them in the dark.</p><p>Victor took a spot beside Benji, watching him quietly with his arms draped over his knees and dangling a few inches from the ground. He tipped his head to the side to get a better look at Benji’s face, enamored all over again at the way his eyebrows scrunched together in concentration. </p><p>Even though Victor wanted to close the gap between them and kiss Benji over and over and over again until their lips bruised and they struggled to breath, he also didn’t want to break Benji’s focus. And so he watched him, gaze raking over him, caressing him with his eyes, before he raised his visage to the heavens.</p><p>He wasn’t expecting to see anything revelatory but Victor couldn’t stop himself from gasping as he saw a few stars poking through the atmosphere. It didn’t seem like a lot but compared to what he saw in central London, it was already a marked improvement. Immediately, the easy-to-identify ones caught his attention--Cassiopeia, Orion, Ursa Major and Minor, of course. But he frowned, turning around in his hunched over position as he scanned the sky that seemed to clear, as if the clouds had parted especially for him. </p><p>Gazing back at the city, Victor squinted at the brightness bombarding his corneas. He found himself so engrossed in his search that he hadn’t noticed the sounds of tiny shells jingling had ceased.</p><p>“You can’t see Ophiuchus or Serpens at this time of year,” Benji said gently, breaking the silence that had fallen over them, a smile audible in his voice.</p><p>“How did you…?”</p><p>“I kinda had an inkling, ‘cause I could feel you staring at me, and I don’t know if you noticed this but you have this tendency to make this face whenever you try to remember something I told you. It’s like this,” Benji said, narrowing his eyes a bit, closing one of them slightly more than the other, lips curling up faintly. “See?”</p><p>“Oh, uh… I didn’t even realize that…” Victor said, snorting and burying his face in his hand. “You know me too well, Benjamin.”</p><p>“Honestly, at first, I thought you were trying to do mental math and struggling so I got a little concerned. But then you would bring up something I’d said before and I finally understood. You’re a great listener, you know.”</p><p>“Please raise the bar a little, B. That’s like, the bare minimum requirement to be a decent human being.”</p><p>“Fair… Anyway, can you hold your hand out, please?”</p><p>“Okay, since you asked so nicely…” Victor said, complying with Benji’s request.</p><p>“You’re also really helpful,” Benji said, as he dropped some of the shells he’d gathered from the beach into Victor’s palm.</p><p>“I didn’t even do anything.”</p><p>“Yeah, you did. I can’t carry all those on my own,” Benji said with a wink.</p><p>Rolling his eyes and smiling, Victor eased himself up slowly to stand, stretching his long limbs and walking off some of the tightness he’d developed in his knees. </p><p>“Ready to go, babe?” he asked, offering his hand to Benji after he’d admired his shells for a few minutes, before he pocketed them gently, careful not to break their thin, fragile surfaces.</p><p>“Mhm,” Benji said, accepting Victor’s outstretched hand and pulling himself up. “I’m cold.”</p><p>“No, <em> really </em>? Ya don’t say?” Victor said sarcastically, chuckling as he engulfed Benji’s sand-covered hand in both of his own, kissing it tenderly so he wouldn’t break Benji again, either.</p><p>“Shut up…” Benji said, grinning as he wrapped his scarf tighter around himself, then pulled Victor along with him across the beach and back where they came from. </p><p>It was almost eleven at night when they arrived at the flat. As soon as Benji opened the door, he sighed at the warmth that claimed him and seeped through his skin as he peeled off his layers. He ran over to the fireplace, where he threw some logs in and set the kindling alight before he all but collapsed in front of it to take in the radiation from the fire. Victor sat down beside him on the thick carpet, draping himself over Benji and pulling him closer so he could burrow into his side. </p><p>They both shivered against one another in their shared embrace, but soon the flames in front of them grew, and Victor could see the way they quivered in Benji’s eyes as his boyfriend stared, transfixed, until Victor looked away for a moment, returning his protective gaze to Benji to see he’d fallen asleep with his head on Victor’s shoulder. </p><p>Exhaling slowly, Victor couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Benji completely relaxed and at peace, the stress from his brow entirely erased as he breathed metronomically, their bodies slotted together, two stars sharing the same galaxy, their gravitational fields pulling them toward one another. It would be a crime to wake Benji to remind him to put on his pajamas and wash up for bed. </p><p>And so, as quietly as he could so as to not rouse Benji, Victor slipped his arms under Benji’s knees and upper back, slowly rising from the floor and making the trek of a few steps that felt like a journey across the desert on a particularly scorching day. He placed Benji down in the center of the bed, watching him for a moment after he wrapped the sheets around his sleeping form.</p><p>Although he would never tire of the sight, Victor turned away, rummaging through his coat pocket, careful not to create any noise, and pulled out the shells. He arranged them, wrapped them in a soft piece of tissue, and placed his little treasure among his clothes so nothing would be damaged. Finally, Victor put out the fire, got ready for bed, and shut off the lights, before crawling into bed, pressing himself against Benji’s back, and closing his eyes with softly upturned lips.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Onto part II!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Reincarnation (Part II of III)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Victor opened his eyes, he stared straight ahead, heart jumping for a moment before he blinked a few times, realizing where he was. He inhaled slowly before raising his hands to rub the sleep from his vision.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or he </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> have done this, if it weren’t for the vice around him, locking his arms against his ribs. He glanced behind him to where Benji lay with his arms clamped over Victor’s middle, leg hooked over his hip, and his sleeping face pressed between Victor’s shoulder blades. Victor breathe-laughed at the image that had now inscribed itself into the shale blackboard of his mind, feeling as if he were wearing a koala as a backpack--only Benji was </span>
  <em>
    <span>far </span>
  </em>
  <span>cuter than a koala, of course. He had missed waking up to Benji burrowing against him for warmth. Unlatching his boyfriend from him as if grasping a butterfly’s paper-thin wings between his fingers, Victor rose to his feet after ensuring he hadn’t woken him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor managed to dress himself without a sound, quieting even his own breathing and peeking over every so often to where Benji had flipped over to his other side, dead to the world. He slipped into his jacket before stepping over to the curtain covering the door to the balcony, pulling it aside and gasping at the blinding desert of whiteness that stretched out as far as he could see. Then, he wrapped his scarf around his neck, grabbed the key, and hopped into his shoes before stopping himself. He’d forgotten two </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> important things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking his head at his own carelessness, Victor pulled out a little piece of paper and scribbled a short note on it, leaving it atop his pillow. And of course the most important thing he’d almost forgotten--he leaned down, kissing Benji’s cheek, before finally disappearing, hyper-vigilant once again that he wouldn’t allow the click of the handle to awaken the love of his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d remembered that they had passed a shop on the way in yesterday. Pulling out his phone to check, he realized it was barely seven in the morning, and as he descended the stairs into the few inches of snow that had blanketed the cobblestone overnight, he saw that the area was deserted; there were no footprints in the snow yet, either, and Victor almost felt like he was intruding on the pristine atmosphere as his boots gnashed in the snow beneath them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trip to and from the store proved painless despite the gnawing of cold against his digits as he carried his bag of ingredients. He re-entered the building, stomping the white crumbs from his feet before he ascended, quietly unlocking the door, only to find Benji sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his own eyes and yawning cutely, reminding Victor a bit of a baby marmoset. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh… morning, </span>
  <em>
    <span>mi vida</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Victor said, jumping a bit</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning, babe. What happened to us sleeping in? Because we’re, y’know, on </span>
  <em>
    <span>vacation</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Benji teased, wrapping the blanket around him. He picked up the note Victor had left and read it aloud. “‘Went to get ingredients for pancakes. Be back in 15. Love, Vic.’ Aww, that’s so sweet of you to leave a note. But, y’know, you could have just texted me,” Benji said with a chuckle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I just… didn’t want you to panic as soon as you woke up and think I disappeared without saying anything,” Victor replied, setting the groceries down and undressing himself. “Also, it snowed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, you’re so considerate,” Benji swooned. “Need any help with breakfast? I was thinking maybe we can hang out here for a few hours before going to the city center, then. It’ll probably be better that way, since it’ll be hard to get around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can sit tight, I got it. Plus, you handle cooking a lot so it’s only fair for me to return the favor from time to time. And honestly, I’m not looking forward to going out in the cold again anytime soon. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh! And </span>
  </em>
  <span>I can finally show you my island,” Victor said, as he got to work preparing their breakfast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Benji said, watching Victor for a moment; he then took one of the smaller blankets and shrouded himself with it before reluctantly rising and lighting the fire in the fireplace once more. He then opened the curtains to let in the natural light from outside as they chattered about nothing in particular.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Humming, Benji padded across the wood floor to the kitchen area, observing from a bit away for a beat as Victor poured some of the pancake batter into the pan. Benji waited for him to put his equipment down before he pressed himself against Victor’s back and snaked his arm around his boyfriend’s middle with his blanket. He pressed his lips together into a line as he rested his chin on Victor’s shoulder and Victor turned in his embrace, allowing Benji to engulf him in the blanket, their chests pressed flush against one another. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t distract me or you’ll have to eat all the burned pancakes,” Victor murmured in Benji’s ear before planting a kiss on the spot on Benji’s neck below his ear and beside his jaw. He then turned back around; Benji bit his lip to contain himself at the sensation, heart fluttering on little paper wings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t make me do that,” Benji said with a pout.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>someone’</span>
  </em>
  <span>s gonna have to, because I’m not throwing away food,” Victor retorted, smirking at Benji over his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Then I’ll just sit here quietly and stare at your ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good boy,” Victor teased, flipping one of the pancakes in the pan and popping his hip out to the side with a wink in Benji’s direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, you know what that does to me,” Benji said, shielding his eyes as he simultaneously attempted to cover the rosiness that encroached upon the territory of his cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get your mind outta the gutter, B. We haven’t even eaten breakfast yet and you’re already having impure thoughts,” Victor said, stacking up a few pancakes on a plate and arranging some sliced strawberries around them before setting the plate down in front of Benji along with a little bottle of syrup, his own face tinged red, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My mind isn’t in the </span>
  <em>
    <span>gutter…</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Benji mumbled as he picked up a fork and popped a strawberry into his mouth, before pouring a bit of syrup and finally cutting into the stack of pancakes, all the while avoiding Victor’s gaze. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Anyway…</span>
  </em>
  <span> thank you. These look lovely, as usual.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing but the best for you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>mi amor</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Victor said with a smile before he kissed Benji on the forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji waited until Victor returned to the stove before he raised his gaze, shoveling food into his mouth and chewing slowly as he watched Victor in action. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d really shot himself in the foot by putting sex back on the table. And he immediately closed his eyes with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger at his internal monologue for phrasing it like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that… </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>On the table</span>
  </em>
  <span>… No, as much as he’d like it, he would also feel bad about it, especially since it wasn’t like he was in his own flat. Benji took another bite, pupils glued to Victor’s behind, before his boyfriend shut off the stove and whipped around carrying a plate of pancakes. Benji jumped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor sat across from him, eyes fixed on his food as he devoured it, before he looked up to see Benji finishing up his plate. When Benji raised his gaze to meet Victor’s, he almost choked on his mouthful of pancakes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Victor asked, his voice overcome with gentleness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Benji got up to wash his dishes. “I’m fine, I was just… thinking, is all,” he said, setting his dishes aside to dry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh… what about?” Victor asked between forkfuls of his meal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening the cabinet and pulling out two mugs, Benji asked: “Coffee?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, thank you,” Victor said, knowing he didn’t have to press Benji too hard before he opened up; that had gotten much easier lately, his shell no longer calcified and impenetrable, but malleable and soft, now--at least, whenever he was around Victor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Setting the coffee machine to brew, Benji sat back down, staring at his dancing and flittering fingers for a moment before looking Victor straight in the face. “I was actually thinking about sex.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor finished his food and set his plate aside before he reached across the table and took Benji’s hands in his own. “We don’t have to do it if you’re not up for it,” he reassured him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. But that’s the thing. I want to and I’m definitely up for it… but not like that. Mentally, yes. Physically, though… I have no idea,” Benji admitted, leaning forward so that his and Victor’s noses almost touched. “Maybe we just need things to be more… </span>
  <em>
    <span>spontaneous</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Like when we were in high school.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, then… in that case… wanna go make out?” Victor asked, tipping his head to the side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of responding, Benji leaned forward a hair’s-length and closed the gap between them, eyelids fluttering closed as he pressed their lips together and tensed under Victor’s grip. And when Victor raised his hand to grip at his face, Benji melted against his skin, not wanting to pull away. As soon as Victor retreated, he found himself missing the sensation right away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not here…” Victor said as he stood from his seat and pushed his chair back into its place at the table before he padded over to the bed and flopped down backward. He rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his elbow. “C’mere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaving their coffee untouched, forgotten, Benji followed, tossing his blanket aside before climbing next to Victor on the bed and mirroring him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stared at each other, the space between them a deep, cutting gorge feeling like a risk to life if crossed. Victor reached out and Benji allowed him to take his hand, but for now, all he could do was let it lay before him, suspended away from his body. It was as if a glass chandelier hanging above them teetered on a thread, and any attempt at moving closer would send it crashing down to the floor, spewing crystals everywhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I’ve been sorta… adamant about this whole thing and I want to be honest with you that it’s not just about the sex. Like, yeah that’s fun, but I also just want to feel more connected to you, you know?” Benji said, pupils locked on where their flesh joined à deux.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor glanced down at the sliver of blanket between them, pressing his lips together momentarily before he raised his gaze and spoke. “That makes sense… and to be honest, I’ve been feeling that way, too. But I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want it to seem like I’m pressuring you or trying to guilt you into doing something you aren’t fully sure about or anything. Because I wanted you to take your time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji swallowed and brought Victor’s hand to rest on his own face. “I guess the old Benji probably would feel guilted into it, honestly. We’ve already been dating again for a few months and we’ve been taking things… really slow, so I probably would have gotten anxious about that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m glad you don’t feel like you have to in order to please me, because I’m happy just spending time with you, no matter what we do,” Victor reassured him, brushing his thumb across his face with a smile. “I don’t wanna just use you or be selfish. Like I still can’t get over all those times you let me take my anger out on you. I know you asked me to but it still made me feel like a bad person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was pretty fucked up, wasn’t it?” Benji said softly, lacing his fingers with Victor’s. “At this point I don’t know if I even know what I like anymore. But… I hate knowing that you felt that way. And I know why you wouldn’t want to tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be fair, my head is a lot clearer now. I want everything we do to be done when we’re in a good mindset and not trying to ignore or divert attention from our problems. Because it’s not productive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re absolutely right. And that’s the only way we won’t fall back into old habits again, is if we actually fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk </span>
  </em>
  <span>to each other. I’m trying really hard but I’m not going to be waiting around and observing you trying to figure out what’s on your mind. It’s exhausting. And it was honestly a little pathetic that I did that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t pathetic, it just comes with the territory of focusing too much on others and not on yourself. I mean, I did it, too. Not just to you but to </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone </span>
  </em>
  <span>around me. Because I wanted to fix things before they happened. But I can’t do that. It’s too much for one person. All I can do is listen to people’s words and not try to decipher a hidden meaning, but also, I guess… be more forthcoming with my own problems. Which I’m getting better at. Slowly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ve come a long way,” Benji sighed, tightening his grip on Victor's hand as he stared into his eyes. “But I’m glad we’re talking and listening to each other. I can see that we’re both actually trying and it’s paying off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… you’re right. I think I wanna take some time to reflect on this, though. Before we go any further,” Victor said, and Benji’s eyes glistened in the same manner as his lips. “Plus, talking about how messed up we used to be sorta killed the mood.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“True. Although maybe we should uh… take a nap now. We got up way too early, I think,” Benji said, stifling a yawn as he pulled the covers over him. “How about we try tomorrow, when everything’s closed? We won’t have any excuse, then, and we don’t have to talk about our messiness because we got it out of our system today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like that idea,” Victor said, following suit and snuggling closer to Benji, their foreheads pressing together, two pieces of cobblestone fitted next to one another among a sea of billions as they drift into a light sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They awakened again an hour later, somehow groggier than they had been before, eyelids heavy and facial muscles squeezing, preventing their full range of ocular function for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor patted around in his bag for his Switch, pulling it out and turning it on as he rolled onto his back. He hummed as he waited for it to load and tipped his head to the side to watch as Benji did the same, unable to stop his lip from twitching as it turned up, blooming with the sparkle in his eye as Benji’s head dropped to the side, unconscious smile attached, too, as neither of them could prevent their hearts from showing on their faces, no matter how hard they tried. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking a few more minutes, Victor put the finishing touches on his island, making it as presentable as he could manage, before moving his little character across the screen with the joystick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I opened my gate up so you can come by whenever you’re ready,” Victor said.. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gimme a sec, I have to pick an outfit. I’m still in my pajamas,” Benji said with a chuckle as he maneuvered his own character to the wardrobe on his screen. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s what you’re gonna wear when you have guests over?” Benji teased, glancing at Victor’s screen in turn and eyeing the green jacket, grey joggers, and red boots he’d dressed his character in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, lemme go to the shop and buy a new outfit, then. It’s been a while since I played, leave me alone,” Victor replied with a roll of his eyes and a smirk as his character ran down the little path lined with white onscreen for a moment before disappearing into the building with a little mannequin in the window.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How much are your turnips, by the way?” Benji asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um… Like four hundred something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, okay, I’m gonna bring some over, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? How much are they on yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like… ninety-one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Timmy and Tommy are really trying to rip you off…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, right? They’re adorable, but at the end of the day, they’re still capitalists and all they wanna do is take our bells…” Benji said, shaking his head before he and Victor broke out into an explosive fit of giggles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once their laughter died down, they lay there quietly, focused on their tasks, the only noises between them coming from their games, the soothing music and the little pitter-patter of footsteps as their characters walked around, coupled with their occasional muttering and giggling to themselves floating through the air. Outside, the sun continued to sparkle off the layer of snow that stretched across every surface.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’m dressed. I’m gonna come over now,” Benji said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lemme see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see when I get there, it’s a surprise. Jeez, you’re so impatient…” Benji said with a click of his tongue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor pouted, moving his character around the screen and dropping items on the ground. “Anyway, I have a bunch of gifts for you but you probably already have most of them since you play way more than me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww… you’re so sweet, thank you,” Benji cooed, turning to kiss Victor on the cheek and sliding even closer to him under the covers. He nuzzled his face into Victor’s neck, the light, warm breaths tickling his skin. Then he returned his gaze to the screen. “I brought some gifts for you, too, by the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji ran his little sprite about, leaving behind fossils and DIYs on the snow-laden ground, and Victor picked them up, examining each new item and marveling at them while murmuring to himself about how he didn’t have them in his museum yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, B. Now I can finally complete some of my dinosaurs,” Victor said, flashing a crooked grin in Benji’s direction. “I’m surprised you haven’t roasted my outfit yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop running around so I can see--There’s nothing to roast, you look cute,” Benji said, watching the little flowers that erupted from his character’s head. Victor had dressed his sprite up in a grey plaid jacket with dark jeans, grey ankle boots, and a little green beanie, and it looked very similar to what Victor would wear in real life. “What do you think of mine?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look badass,” Victor said, eyes sparkling as they stuck to the side of Benji’s face. Benji had dressed his character in a black fur-lined bomber jacket, navy pants, black lace-up boots, and a pair of shades. “All right, I’m gonna give you the grand tour because I spent a lot of time decorating and building roads and stuff a while back so I’m pretty proud of it. Follow me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lead the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Victor hummed as he directed them down the path past the town square decorated with multicolored lights and a big, white Christmas tree, slipping further into the peaceful world with Benji at his side. The beach flanked them on the other side as the waves lapped at the digital shoreline. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bit farther along, a bamboo grove, the tops of the leaves caked in snow, gave way to a forest of pine and fruit trees and separated houses from each other. They crossed the bridge over the river to go north on the island as a blue penguin ambled over to greet them. Victor took the gift she’d given him--a white military jacket--and tried it on, deciding he liked it, especially when Benji said he looked like his very own Prince Charming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After taking a quick pause to sit down in the camping area Victor had made near the middle of the island, complete with a hearth and some cushions, they made their way to Victor’s house. He moved aside, motioning for Benji to go inside first before he followed after him into the living room and showed Benji each of the six rooms he’d added to his house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He showed Benji the upper level, which he’d set up as a bedroom, complete with several beds perfect for rolling across, along with the kitchen and another room he’d stashed a bunch of cute yet random decorations in, making it look like a rainbow junkyard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still don’t know what to put in the basement,” Victor said, as he ran across the living room from the back room, which he’d designated as the basketball court, of course. “My artistic vision leaves a lot to be desired. Mostly because it’s nonexistent.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji couldn’t help but laugh. “Come on, it looks nice! But I can help you with decorating, of course. I’m good with like… color and shit. Maybe when you see mine you’ll get some ideas. Although an aquarium or a fossil collection would be pretty sick, for instance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… That’s a good idea. I also haven’t seen the inside of your house in ages…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll leave and you can come over to mine. But your island looks really good so far! I’m impressed. Especially with all the roads. Those are the worst to build.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scrunching his mouth to the side, Victor watched as Benji’s figure retreated from his house and ran down the road to the airport before disappearing. Victor closed the gate to his island before making the journey to visit Benji’s abode. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In comparison to Victor’s, Benji’s island was years ahead in terms of development. He’d invested in stone bridges and stairs, as well as stone-lined roads and fountains across the entire island. There were also snow people standing under some snow-and-light wrapped pine trees, along with flowers punching up through the snow. Benji had even invested in changing the layout of the island to create a garden, a cafe and even a petting zoo. The color palette was all coordinated in grey, blue, and black and looked sleek. Victor couldn’t help but admire Benji’s aptitude for visual work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They continued playing for a bit longer as Benji showed off the special features he’d added, as Victor followed him around before stopping in the shops to see if there were any items or clothing he hadn’t seen before. Once they finished exploring and partaking in the daily activities, including fishing and catching insects, they decided to get up and face the day properly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was barely ten in the morning when they rolled out of bed and got ready, suiting up in their thick winter jackets and boots before heading outside into the shining blanket--or, what was left of it. What had been pristine only a few hours ago had become grey slush after countless feet like hammers and picks on glass had walked in it, breaking the illusion of perfection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Arms entwined, they trekked across the pavement, observing their fellow humans as they walked. They’d gotten accustomed to existing without the fear of being perceived in their state of togetherness, and even if they hadn’t, there would be no one around with them who had the intent to perceive. People minded their own business as they darted off in different directions, the stillness in the air giving way to the sound of shuffling against wet snow, like a glass bottle full of beads gliding through their surroundings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bus took them to Princes Street, where as soon as they arrived, the sight of the castle upon the hill composed of volcanic rock--overlooking an expanse of gardens now white with green spots peeking through--greeted them. Behind it, the blue-grey sky provided a scenic backdrop, and for a moment, the only thing Benji and Victor could do was stare through the space between the black vertical segments of the sharp cast iron fence outside the perimeter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bare trees lined the crisscrossing walkways as they descended into the space below that separated the old fortress from the much newer roads. They passed by an ancient brick spire at the front of the walkway that pointed into the sky like a jagged claw with smaller ones around it, before approaching a fountain with figures of maidens carved into it, free of running water due to the season. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji, of course, stopped Victor to photograph almost everything they came across, before taking a few selfies and finally dragging Victor into the shot with him, breaking into fits of giggles when Victor would huff and roll his eyes but beam nonetheless when he draped his arm around Benji’s neck and pulled him into a kiss, their breath mingling between them, the physical manifestation of a cloud come to earth. And of course when Benji’s cool hand met Victor’s equally frigid cheeks, they both couldn’t help the gentle curl of their lips against each other, the rest of the world peeling away to expose the spot that only the two of them could inhabit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They climbed up the winding, serpentine roads, the rectangular cobblestones set in the earth like scales and making their gait unsteady under the shadow of the craig. The renewed blood circulation had reinvigorated them, providing them with the energy to push them through the cold. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they reached the castle, its walls siege-wary, older than they could fathom and crafted entirely of heavy stone, they gazed down at the city below, Victor’s fingers digging into Benji’s skin as he held his hand tightly, swallowing the lump in his throat yet relaxing when he remembered that just as he would catch Benji when he fell, Benji would do the same for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the day whispered onward, they made their way through the streets and closes, arm in arm, chatting and joking and laughing, hearts warm despite their surroundings. They continued down the Royal Mile in the Old Town, pubs and shops selling fudge and whiskey and tartan and all the local fare they could conjure appearing on either side of them, a lone grey church spire beckoning them in the distance. The buildings that flanked them were no taller than five storeys and constructed from bricks of all shades of greys and reds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be honest, I was curious to come to Edinburgh because it’s where my family apparently came from. ‘Cause, you know, Campbell is a Scottish name, after all,” Benji said, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen on them and drawing his scarf closer to his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is pretty amazing, though. I can see why they say it’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world,” Victor said, eyes glued to the facades as they passed, unable to look away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… But I feel like being here and in Britain generally has made me a lot more aware of stuff I didn’t think about back home,” Benji said, gaze shifting from the scenery to Victor’s profile</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” Victor asked, looking at Benji in turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like… colonialism and shit,” Benji said after a moment’s pause. “A lot of… white people in the US know our ancestors have been there for generations but we don’t like to acknowledge how they got there. Or at least, not the details. And it’s obviously something that still affects people today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… yeah, I can’t exactly relate to the whole ‘not being aware’ thing, because, you know,” Victor said with a tight-lipped smile, pointing to his own face. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am </span>
  </em>
  <span>one of those people who gets to deal with it every day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“True… I guess I’m trying to figure out ways in which I can be more understanding. We can’t just not acknowledge that in a lot of ways we come from two different worlds. Well, you obviously recognize that but I guess I didn’t think about it as much because I didn’t really have to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Plus, there’s gonna be a lot of things you’ll just never understand, but that’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. But that also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it. Obviously, it’s not your job to educate me on racism. But I feel kinda silly that it took me so long for things to start clicking,” Benji said with a sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Also, honestly, it’s not even about personal feelings a lot of times or us as individuals. There are larger systems at play.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s true. And you don’t have to coddle me. I would actually prefer it if you didn’t, because I’m a big boy and I can take it,” Benji said with a mischievous grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not gonna read too far into that,” Victor said, nudging Benji in the shoulder with his arm as he chuckled. “But, now that you mention it… I guess I do sorta wish that when I was going through all the bullshit with you-know-who, that you had been a bit more understanding, especially since you did sorta go through some similar legal stuff, even if it was when you weren’t of age yet. I guess I’ll always wonder how much worse it could have been if the cops had gotten involved...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji bristled, took a deep breath, and exhaled, resisting the sensation that often came with these sorts of conversations, as if someone had his heart clenched in their fist. He directed them to one of the snow-covered benches, brushing some of the flakes aside before sitting down and pulling Victor down with him. “That’s fair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you for helping me try to handle stuff but… I wish we could have talked about it more instead of like… just getting on with it. But I guess on the flipside we didn’t really have a whole lot of time for that,” Victor said, stretching his arm across the back of the bench to engulf Benji’s frame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s true, too. But just being able to talk about it and how it affected you instead of just… doing what needed to be done is really important. And talking to a therapist isn’t always the same as being able to confide in the people you care about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… I know I’ve said this before, but I feel like I took on a lot of the emotional labor and felt this need to like… take care of everything and everyone around me and it’s just too much. I can’t do it all on my own, but nor can you, and nor can </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I wonder if that’s what affected our dynamics in the first place, though. Because I can only take responsibility for my own actions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Benji paused, pensive, and watched as a group of people shuffled across the slushy pavement before he responded. “I mean… that’s a good point, though. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was unconsciously putting a lot on you because you seemed a lot stronger than me once you came out but… it’s unfair. And I need to do it less.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Especially when in a lot of ways my life is just </span>
  <em>
    <span>harder </span>
  </em>
  <span>because of how people see me, I just… wish we had been able to talk about it all at the time that it happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not too late to talk about it now, though,” Benji acknowledged, resting a hand on Victor’s knee. “I want you to be able to confide in me and for us to be able to come up with solutions together. Even if this is something that I can’t exactly solve, I do want our relationship to sorta be a safe space for us, and I don’t wanna contribute to your suffering if I can control it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll hold you to it,” Victor mused.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Victor said with a soft smile and a roll of his eyes, before pressing a kiss to Benji’s cheek and then standing up, offering Benji a hand. “But we should go inside now because it’s cold as fuck and my jacket needs to dry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Benji replied, taking Victor’s hand and hoisting himself up. He realized he had a lot more thinking and reading to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They found a little restaurant on a curving street with pastel colored buildings along it, slipping into a booth so they could sit with limbs entwined in the warmth. Benji rested his face in his palm as he stared out the arched window beside them and watched people pass by in the receding sunlight, conscious as always of Victor’s gaze on him, before he tilted his head to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The corners of Victor’s eyes crinkled as he blinked slowly in Benji’s direction like a cat overwhelmed with love for the object of its affection. When Victor rested his hand on Benji’s back and Benji dropped his head onto Victor’s shoulder, they became so enthralled with each other’s presence once more that they didn’t even notice the server raising an eyebrow and waiting for them to place their order, notebook in hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they finished their meal, splitting the bill between them, they trekked out into the evening air arm in arm, deciding at the last minute to go on a ghost tour in the underground vaults of the Old Town because Benji thought it sounded cool, and Victor was curious to see what it was all about; he may not have believed in much of a higher power, but one thing he knew he wasn’t sure about was whether ghosts were real or not. What better place to test this than in the most haunted place in Britain?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The descent into the underbelly of the city consisted mostly of Victor’s sweaty hand gripping at Benji’s as the darkness surrounded them like a dank, oppressive cloth, the stale, ancient air still despite boring into the calcium of their bones. Benji cocked an eyebrow and shook his head at Victor but allowed him to hold his hand as they glanced around in the candlelight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And when Benji saw a wisp of white and muttered an “oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>” before leaping into Victor’s arms, Victor couldn’t stop himself from breaking out into laughter, cutting off the droning of the tour guide, when they saw that what Benji thought had been a ghost was, in fact, just another skeleton placed behind heavy metal bars to scare tourists. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not funny, I really thought I saw something,” Benji whispered into Victor’s ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why am I laughing?” Victor whispered back, as he set Benji down on the stone floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re a dickhead,” Benji said, smacking him on the arm but without any bite. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Victor could retort, an icicle glided across his cheek and he shrieked, burying his face in Benji’s scarf and wrapping his arms around him like a vice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Karma, bitch,” Benji muttered, before kissing Victor on the cheek. “It was just my hand, relax.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Curse you and your stupid cold hands,” Victor said, messing up Benji’s hair and earning himself a shove as Benji groaned and fixed it as the tour guide narrowed her eyes at them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still love you, though,” Benji mumbled after he’d made himself presentable, grabbing the front of Victor’s jacket and sandwiching himself between Victor and the bricks behind him as the rest of the tour group walked on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too,” Victor replied, his smirk invisible as the light crept away. He ducked his head down to kiss Benji, palm resting against the wall as Benji cupped his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they realized that it was completely pitch black and they’d been left alone, they latched onto each other, stumbling in the dark and knocking over something that sounded hollow when it hit the ground. But they didn’t stay behind to find out what it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stuck to each other until the end of the tour, listening intently to the tour guide recounting the history of the vaults, growing more at ease with each passing moment. Despite what surrounded them, they found the warmth and light in each other’s arms as they continued onward. As they ascended back to street level, a wind whistled below them, but they didn’t think much of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By now, the night had properly settled upon them, weighing them down and reminding them of the hours they’d been on their feet. They return to their flat via bus, almost falling asleep on each other but saved right before their stop by Benji snapping back to life and smashing the stop button so they could exit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The jog back to the flat passed seamlessly and they barely registered the temperature outside as they entered the warmth within, stripping off their clothes and collapsing into the sheets, cocooned in each other’s embrace and falling asleep instantly, the fresh winter air knocking them out, as they could only forget about the chilling possibility of ghosts haunting them in their dreams.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Onto part III!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Reincarnation (Part III of III)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was New Years Eve when they awakened. They went on a hike that morning to Arthur’s Seat--the highest point in all of Edinburgh--but it wasn’t like Benji was trying to put something off or anything. When he told Victor that he wanted tonight to be special, even if in the grand scheme of things it was an arbitrary marker of the passage of time, Victor appeased him. </p><p>Benji had woken up before Victor for once, slithering out from his spot on Victor’s chest so as to not wake him, because he knows how easy it is to wake him, remembering one time when he had been sick and had breathed just a <em> bit </em> too loudly, causing Victor to awaken immediately in a cold sweat, thinking he was dying. </p><p>Covering his mouth to suppress a chuckle, Benji had done what he could to move around pots and pans so they wouldn’t bang against each other, peering over to Victor’s sleeping form every so often and exhaling when he saw that nothing had changed. He didn’t know why he was so compelled to show his own competence, but when he thought of the voice and the expressions Victor reserved solely for him, it made it all worth it. </p><p>Eventually, the smell of fresh pancakes was strong enough to wake Victor from his slumber and so when Benji stacked a few on a plate and brought them to Victor, watching as he rubbed sleep from his eyes, he could feel his face warm up as he kissed the top of Victor’s head when he wrapped his arms around his middle. He was thankful that he hadn’t gotten a chance to put anymore pancakes onto the pan, because he was happy to stay in Victor’s embrace for a long while, even as the plate of food Benji had brought over cooled atop the blanket beside them. </p><p>Victor’s stomach rumbled and he sighed upon releasing Benji in order to tend to his own needs. Benji ruffled Victor’s hair before running back to the kitchen, ensuring the stove was shut off as he removed his apron, before returning to bed with his own meal. They ate while chatting idly and giggling over their own silly inside jokes, reminiscing about what they’d seen over the course of their stay. </p><p>When they finished, taking their time, they made their way southeast toward Holyrood Park, spotting the magnificent hunk of earth resembling a giant green and brown lion reclining in the middle of this frozen savannah that took up a large portion of the skyline, and which, at this hour, was deserted, just as they liked it. </p><p>The ascent proved brisk but devoid of any real effort given their youth and stamina. And the entire time, Victor insisted on holding Benji’s hand, even as their fingers grew numb from the cold. But Benji promised him he wouldn’t let go as he slid their linked appendages inside his scarf, hoping to return some vigor to them. </p><p>And even as they reached greater heights and Benji asked Victor if he was fine with continuing onward, Victor would always say yes, gritting his teeth and squeezing Benji’s hand, but still wanting to prove more than anything to himself that he could brave his fears. The weight of Benji beside him reminded him that he wasn’t alone, even as he spent the duration of their climb looking at his own feet, as if raising his eyes would cause him to topple off the side of the cliffs immediately. </p><p>Once they reached the summit, they couldn’t help but gasp at the view overlooking the sea and the entirety of Edinburgh--the pointed church spires like a forest of needles, the castle on the hill and the city below resembling a patchwork of blocks built by children. They could even see the red bridge off in the distance that connected the land across the estuary and led up to the Highlands.</p><p>At this point, Victor unclamped his grip from Benji’s, and Benji allowed it. Victor took a deep breath before approaching the edge of the uneven surface of the mountain, staring down at the ground below and taking in the sight for the first time. Benji stood at a short distance from him--watching and curious but knowing Victor would come back--before returning his gaze to the cityscape. He snapped a few photos with his camera of the panorama, before Victor, eyes shining, asked him to take a few of him with the city in the backdrop, marveling at the view with irises alight over finally taking the risk and finding the view more than worth it. </p><p>When Victor smiled, the fear sloughing off him for the first time, Benji realized he had been wrong to tell Victor not to look down. Benji exhaled, raising his palm to Victor’s cheek and tilting his face toward him, pressing their wind-chapped lips together and feeling more solid and certain of himself than he had in a long time. When Victor’s arms engulfed his back, he forgot about the freezing air around them. </p><p>Upon their descent, Victor’s hands, which had dragged like solid iron, relaxed like vapor in Benji’s own. Victor fixed his irises on their surroundings instead of on his own boots and the pieces of gravel tumbling around underneath them. Benji watched Victor quietly for a moment, before kissing the back of Victor’s hand where they joined and storing their tangled limbs atop his heart where they belonged. </p><p>They returned to the flat after eating in a local café. As soon as they shed their outer clothes and started a fire in the fireplace, they retreated into bed again with the intent to not go outside until the New Year. </p><p>“I’m glad we took this trip, Vic,” Benji said, staring up at the ceiling as he played with Victor’s hair absently while the other rested his head on Benji’s stomach.</p><p>“Me, too,” Victor said, lip curling up as he turned to face Benji. “And I’m glad I was able to come with my favorite person,” he added, running his knuckles along Benji’s jaw, flesh kissing where his own lips wouldn’t reach.</p><p>Benji rolled his eyes, mouth scrunching to the side and transforming into a grin as he craned his face down, expression evaporating as soon as it had grown. “I did a lot of thinking today when we were out on our hike. And it helped me put a lot of things into perspective,” he said.</p><p>“Oh? Like what?” Victor asked, brows knitting into one as he rose from his position and settled beside Benji, their shoulders joining beneath the sheets.</p><p>“Well… I guess I used to be afraid of a lot of things and seeing how many things you’ve managed to push through even though you were scared, just by willpower alone… It was kinda inspiring.”</p><p>Victor chuckled, shaking his head. “It wasn’t exactly <em> just </em> willpower, B. I think it’s more… not only trusting myself, but being able to finally trust that the people I surround myself with and care about-- <em> you-- </em>won’t let me fall.”</p><p>Pursing his lips, Benji took Victor’s hand in his own. “That makes a lot of sense. But my point still stands. I’ve been battling with myself a lot but… I think I’m ready for us to try having sex again. For real this time.”</p><p>“You’re definitely sure? We don’t have to.”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m over pretending and not saying what I mean. So just listen to my words. I want us to have sex. Right now. And I’m 100% certain about that, so you don’t have to make sure that I am.”</p><p>“I’m 100% down for that,” Victor said with a grin. </p><p>“Maybe we should warm up first?” Benji asked, gaze hovering over Victor’s lips and then returning to his eyes after a moment.</p><p>“Good idea… Y’know what’s a fun way for us to warm up?” Victor said, shooting Benji a mischievous grin.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Well… We have this fancy bath tub that’s just <em> begging </em>to be used… And some nice-smelling oils, which I know you really like. So what do you say? Then we can… do the deed, so to speak.”</p><p>“When you say it like that it sounds so clinical,” Benji said with a pout. “But sure. That’d be super nice, actually.”</p><p>“Cool… I’ll be right back, then,” Victor said, kissing Benji on the forehead quickly before leaping out of bed and running into the bathroom.</p><p>Victor drew the bath for them, humming as he poured in some lavender and thyme scented oils courtesy of their gracious Airbnb host. He watched as the water began to accumulate and bubbles sprouted from the surface, the light bouncing off them as the scent of pure relaxation wafted through the room. </p><p>When he returned to the main part of the flat, he saw Benji snuggled under the covers staring at his phone with a worried, lined forehead and a frown etched into his face. </p><p>“My dad just messaged me.”</p><p>“What did he say?” Victor asked as his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline while he sat beside him on the bed.</p><p>“I didn’t read it yet.”</p><p>“Oh. Why not? Too nervous?”</p><p>Benji chewed on his lip as he stared at the ceiling. “Hmm… I don’t know. But now I feel like this is going to weigh on my head and ruin our whole trip. Maybe I’ll be less worked up about this whole thing in the bath, though. I need to think about what I wanna do.”</p><p>“Yeah, talk about bad timing, right?” Victor said, scooting a bit closer and reaching out to stroke Benji’s hair. “I’m here if you wanna vent. But I can also understand if you don’t wanna talk about it right now.”</p><p>“Thank you… I might take you up on that offer later but for now I just wanna live in the moment and for us to focus on spending time together… in the bath,” Benji said decisively, resting his hand atop Victor’s before sliding it down to his face and kissing his palm. “I’m not gonna let my dad ruin things.”</p><p>“Good idea. But first you gotta get out from under there,” Victor replied, leaning down to press a peck to Benji’s lips before sliding off the bed and offering his boyfriend a hand.</p><p>Sighing, Benji took Victor’s offered appendage and dragged himself out from his nest before covering his mouth with his wrist as he yawned. Benji whined and shivered, then hopped onto Victor’s back. He murmured into his neck: “It’s too cold in here.”</p><p>Victor chuckled as he slipped his hands under the backs of Benji’s knees and indulged him, even though the walk was only a few feet away. He set Benji down inside the warmth of the bathroom where the steam had already begun to float through the air. They disrobed hastily before plunging themselves into the hot, bubbly water, sitting in silence for a moment as they adjusted to the sensation, before they scrubbed themselves clean.</p><p>“This is so nice,” Benji breathed, breaking the silence as he lowered himself below the placid surface so that only his face poked out from it like a little island in the middle of a lake.</p><p>With a smirk, Victor moved beside him so their shoulders were touching and imitated him before raising his head and letting his sopping wet curls drip into his face. He flicked his head to the side to clear the hair away before smoothing it back with his hand and blowing at the water that dripped onto his mouth. Benji opened one eye and peered at him before sitting up again. He used the tops of his fingers to toss a few droplets in Victor’s direction.</p><p>“You splashed me.”</p><p>“Yeah, <em> by accident </em>,” Victor retorted, returning the favor a bit more forcefully this time.</p><p>“<em>Sure, </em>” Benji said, rolling his eyes as he clapped his hand on the surface of the water as Victor shielded himself with his arm.</p><p>“Okay, <em> now </em> it’s personal,” Victor giggled as he sent a wave toward Benji, who ducked under the layer of bubbles to avoid it.</p><p>“This was supposed to be relaxing!” Benji scoffed as he splashed back with equal force, before smacking Victor on the shoulder jovially with his fist.</p><p>“Well, whose fault is that?” Victor cried, flicking the water quickly in succession as Benji did the same.</p><p>“You started it!”</p><p>“No <em> you </em>!”</p><p>They ended up with their faces turned in opposite directions as they splashed each other, erupting into a fit of laughter as they sent a deluge all over the bathroom floor and all over their clothes. </p><p>“Enough, <em> enough </em>,” Benji finally said, raising his hands in front of him. “You win. I surrender.”</p><p>Victor shook his head as he clicked his tongue, still grinning. He wiggled his eyebrows. “You <em> surrender </em>, huh?”</p><p>“Oh, <em> shut up </em>, you know what I mean.”</p><p>“I have <em> no idea </em> what you mean,” Victor said slyly. </p><p>Benji’s lips parted as he licked at his own teeth; he knew Victor was just testing their boundaries. The air that had become thick with humidity suddenly felt even heavier between them. He then noticed he still had his hands in front of him and his face reddened as he lowered them back into the water.</p><p>“I know you wanted to say something else,” Benji said playfully, exposing his pointed canines as he smirked and gazed up at Victor through his eyelashes.</p><p>“Hmm…” Victor hummed as he stroked his chin and moved closer to Benji, eyes softening as they trailed down from his face to the bit of his shoulders that peeked out from the water. </p><p>“Okay, now I’m really curious.”</p><p>“You’ll just have to be patient…” Victor teased. “Or you could just tell me what you mean and I’ll tell you what <em> I </em> mean.”</p><p>Pressing his lips into a line, Benji tipped his head to the side as he watched Victor observing him. Victor removed a hand from beneath the surface, cupping Benji’s cheek as he trained his gaze back on the other’s face. Benji nuzzled against Victor’s fingers, eyes fluttering closed. He was <em> so </em>warm. The hearth in his chest crackled a bit more intensely, the proverbial pot threatening to boil over if Victor touched him anywhere else.</p><p>“Fine. I wanna be closer to you. But no funny business. At least, not yet,” Benji said, eyelids hanging heavy with desire. “Happy?”</p><p>Victor nodded and Benji settled himself between the other’s legs, resting the side of his head against Victor’s shoulder and draping his knees over the other’s thigh. They had enough space that they could both straighten out comfortably. </p><p>Exhaling, Victor wrapped his arms around Benji as the other drew shapes on his dripping chest and occasionally glanced up at him with a soft smile. Victor kissed Benji’s hair, inhaling the scent of the oils he had poured into the tub earlier, before allowing his hand to travel from Benji’s shoulder to his chin. </p><p>He tipped up Benji’s face, capturing the other’s lips with his own, moving against him in a slow, gentle rhythm. Benji felt Victor’s arousal twitch against his side but he didn’t feel the immediacy of lust himself, for now, even if his heart was beating so hard he felt it would cause ripples in the water. He needed a bit more time lately, but they were lucky that there was no rush, no sensation of adrenaline forcing its way through their veins as if they were being chased. </p><p>“What did you wanna say before?” Benji whispered against Victor’s skin as they parted, smirking before he added: “Don’t think I forgot.”</p><p>“I was just gonna ask if I can touch you,” Victor said innocently, eyes wide, but Benji knew it was a façade.</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Do whatever you want. Just… be gentle, please, at least this time around,” Benji replied. He swallowed the lump in his throat, shifting so that his back pressed against Victor’s chest, flesh slippery.</p><p>Benji let his cranium fall back against Victor’s shoulder as he stroked the insides of his thighs, while Victor dragged his digits over his chest and along his sides gently, obliging him, trailing lower and lower under the water. Reaching up behind him, Benji took Victor’s cheek in his palm, bringing their faces together again like two pieces of lodestone and gasping into his mouth. </p><p>Eyelids falling closed, Benji allowed Victor to touch him, the sensation of coming undone creeping up on him, roiling warmth bubbling at the base of his rib cage as the nova almost threatened to burst through the rest of his body. </p><p>He could feel Victor’s patience thinning, his movements clumsy as if his hand were in the process of cramping, and although he didn’t want Victor to stop, his patience made Benji see that he truly never had anything to fear. Eyes snapping open, suddenly feeling more alive than he had in months, Benji kissed Victor again, putting every ounce of shimmering, golden trust he had into that single action before he disconnected their lips. </p><p>Victor peered at him through a slit, curious and hovering back to him as if they were planets denting spacetime and the force of gravity alone drew them to each other onto a collision course. But then Benji removed Victor’s hands from him and rose, droplets raining from his bare form and returning to the now lukewarm water, and stepped out of the tub, taking two towels from the rack and wrapping one of them around himself, patting his overheated skin dry. Victor watched for a second before taking the offered towel and following suit.  </p><p>“Let’s continue this in the other room, shall we?” Benji said, playing coy as his cheeks flushed. He dropped the towel on the floor and disappeared into the main room.</p><p>“Someone’s a little impatient,” Victor said, not bothering to be thorough as he ran after Benji, wrapping his arms around his middle from behind. </p><p>“Well excuse me for being a little frustrated after you just spent the last half hour touching me,” Benji said with a chuckle as he led them through the flat.</p><p>“Was it really that long?”</p><p>“I don’t know, maybe I’m exaggerating but just… here, sit down,” Benji said, rolling his eyes with a smile as he motioned to the spot in front of the fireplace. </p><p>“Okay…”</p><p>Raising an eyebrow, Victor did as Benji asked, crossing his legs in front of him and leaning back on his hands, tilting his head to the side as he watched Benji rummage around in his bag. Benji then tossed a bottle toward Victor, saying “catch!”, and Victor chuckled as he did just that. </p><p>“What are your thoughts on the condom situation?” Benji asked, glancing at Victor from across the room.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter to me, <em> mi amor </em>.”</p><p>“Cool, no condom it is.”</p><p>Benji grinned, satisfied, as he padded back across the room and climbed onto Victor’s lap as he uncrossed his legs; Victor opened his mouth, undoubtedly to ask Benji if he was sure, before closing it again, certain now that he didn’t have to ask, instead encircling Benji’s back and drawing him closer. </p><p>Outside, distant explosions cut through the sky, immersing the atmosphere with the sulfuric scent of gunpowder, but Victor and Benji had their attention set on more important matters than the Earth completing yet another revolution around the Sun.</p><p>Pressing their foreheads together, Benji stared down at Victor with hooded eyelids, cupping his face as if he were holding an astrolabe and hoping to find all the secrets of the universe in Victor’s deep brown eyes that sparkled with the light of an uncountable number of stars. They sat like that for a moment, breathing synchronizing in a peaceful melody. </p><p>Then Benji leaned down to kiss Victor again, surroundings disappearing, and all he could see was the map of the sky in the darkness as Victor’s lips connected with his, transporting him away from the spot on the floor beside the crackling fireplace. </p><p>Each movement and ministration brought Benji farther and farther from his present existence, to a plane where only he and Victor could inhabit, limbs splayed and tangled like lotus plants underwater as he grew closer and closer to ecstasy, and with it, the overwhelming reminder that he loved Victor with as much passion, with as much conviction, and with as much devotion as he afforded himself. </p><p>And when Benji clutched at Victor’s back, blunt nails digging into flesh and teeth knocking together as names and whispered words floated around them, the earthly becoming cosmic as the hypernova engulfed them both while the fireworks boomed in the frigid outdoors, Benji knew that Victor felt that same adoration for him, too.</p><p>They lay in the afterglow beside the simmering coals, spent, the ship holding the two of them crash landing back at its origin, hair now slick with sweat instead of water. Benji rested his head on Victor’s chest, arm draped over his middle as Victor embraced him, their bodies still shaking from exertion, but wearing lazy smiles on their tear-soaked faces nonetheless, feeling closer than they ever had before, with no barriers or secrets between them.  </p><p>“Hey, Vic, did you wanna go ag--” Benji began, lifting himself onto his elbows and looking up, only to see the steady rise and fall of Victor’s chest, and deciding at the last minute that he would shut up. </p><p>It was unusual for Victor to sleep so hard that even the sounds resembling gunshots did nothing to make him stir, so Benji knew he must truly have been exhausted. He exhaled, watching Victor for a moment as he gently smoothed down his curls, then pressed his lips, feather-light, to Victor’s forehead. </p><p>Careful so as to not wake Victor, Benji knelt and lifted Victor in his arms, carrying him to bed and nestling him under the covers before putting out the fire and rejoining Victor, laying atop the other’s heart and listening to its steady rhythm as he drifted off to sleep, knowing just how lucky he was to be beside his beloved.</p><p>They awakened the next day not feeling particularly different despite the occasion, but knowing regardless that they had undergone a profound change, a transmogrification, and a reincarnation, when they had consummated their love for one another the previous night. </p><p>In order to test this hypothesis, Benji and Victor spent the day inside, limbs laced together and fingers intertwined as they breathed each other’s air and gasped each other’s names in the space where only the two of them could hear it. Victor pressed Benji into the sheets so many times they lost track, until they fell asleep wrapped around each other like braided rope, all the tension peeling away as they got to know each other’s bodies again and realized not much was different from the last time they had slept with one another. But now that they had refamiliarized themselves, their flesh craved nothing more than for their molecules to be united in perpetuity, as if to make up for the time when they had been separated. </p><p>Later on, once the sun had set again, they stretched their legs out on the town, which was empty for the most part, the temperature much warmer than it had been the past few days. The snow that had been there the day previous now painted the cobblestone and grass where it had lay with a sheen that glinted in the light of the street lamps, becoming, once again, fodder for Benji’s camera. </p><p>On the morning of 2 January, Victor and Benji arose from their slumber after falling asleep following yet another bout of lovemaking, and they cleaned up their flat as best as they could before they packed their things and embarked into the city for their final day of sightseeing. </p><p>The sun greeted them as they wandered through the streets hand in hand and with bags strapped to their backs. They bought some souvenirs before continuing on to a little shop with a glass storefront, which Benji had read reviews about before they had arrived. </p><p>When they entered, bombarded by the scent of rubbing alcohol, one of the workers behind the glass counter--a pale, mustachioed fellow with a thick Scottish accent who also happened to have most of his exposed skin covered in multicolored ink and looked trustworthy as a result--offered them coffee as they waited. Benji could never get used to the unfamiliar hospitality, the pleasantry of being offered hot beverages upon arrival, but it was nonetheless a welcome request when coming in from the cold. </p><p>Inside were several black leather armchairs, which were comfortable to sit on while observing the drawings that adorned the walls and served as samples of the artists’ work. Victor sat in one of the chairs and Benji perched himself atop his lap despite there being plenty of other places to sit. When their host returned with their coffees, he didn’t even react to the sight of Benji seated with his arm draped across Victor’s back. </p><p>They didn’t need to fuss much over what designs they wanted and the artists were busy for a few more minutes so Benji and Victor sipped their mediocre instant coffees at their own pace despite their American sensibilities screaming at them that they should hurry up and despite knowing they were consuming liquid anxiety, the aroma cutting through the sterility and providing a false sense of calm, at least for the moment. </p><p>After a few minutes, a short red-haired woman who was also heavily tattooed made her way down the corridor and greeted them, introducing herself as their artist and giving them a rundown of what to expect. Leaning on the counter, they chose a fancy script font for the tattoo they wanted to get to match--a quote from <em> Love in the Time of Cholera </em> that they’d decided on together. Once they had everything to their liking, the artist left to create the stencils, leaving them alone again.</p><p>“What did you wanna get for yourself?” Victor asked, bending his elbow atop the counter and resting his head on his hand. </p><p>“I’m gonna get the Scorpio constellation, obviously,” Benji said as-a-matter-of-factly, comfortable with the short distance between them. “Serpens and Ophiuchus would be cool, too, but I don’t know, I wanted something that was more about me, you feel?”</p><p>“Hmm… what if I got Aquarius so we could match?” Victor said with a chuckle. “Just kidding. We’ll see how I handle the pain.”</p><p>“I mean… I heard it’s not bad. Although the spot is sorta hit or miss.”</p><p>Victor cringed. “That’s… <em> so great </em>,” he said sarcastically. “It’ll be worth it, though. I wonder what my mom is gonna think...”</p><p>“You could also just not tell her and never take your shirt off again,” Benji teased, earning a poke in the belly from Victor.</p><p>“Wait… it just hit me that we won’t be able to cuddle properly for a while,” Victor said, looking genuinely horrified, and Benji couldn’t stop himself from gasping.</p><p>“Shit, you’re right. Dang it, I’m gonna have to lay on your <em> other </em>titty,” Benji said with a pout, and Victor giggled, just as the artist returned to lead them down the hall.</p><p>They spent a few minutes arguing over who would go first, settling it finally with a game of rock, paper, scissors when Benji obliterated Victor twice and then proceeded to strip his own shirt off to go under the needle while Victor held his hand. He’d been mentally prepared for something far worse, but aside from the points that needed an extra go, the sting didn’t hurt so much as long as he didn’t think about it, and he hadn’t squeezed Victor’s hand <em> that </em>hard, although Victor’s grimace told a different story. </p><p>Benji’s constellation tattoo on his arm took slightly longer since it was a bit larger, spanning up his bicep and covering his scars. Throughout the process, they chatted with the artist, and Benji, feeling courageous once again, ventured to talk about his struggles. He was proud of himself for being able to discuss it with a stranger other than Dr. Singh for the first time, and the way his shoulders lightened afterward made Benji realize that he didn’t have anything to be afraid of; it was getting easier with time. </p><p>After Benji’s tattoos were finished and covered, he and Victor switched places, hands still joined. Benji stared at the fresh ink on his arm, mesmerized, as Victor gripped at him, but Benji barely noticed the sensation. </p><p>Once they finished, they walked out of the shop adorned with “<em> Los seres humanos no nacen para siempre el día en que sus madres los alumbran, sino que la vida los obliga otra vez y muchas veces a parirse a sí mismos </em>” over their hearts, a permanent, withstanding reminder of their own power. </p><p>Their stay in Edinburgh soon came to a close and they boarded the southbound train, finding a spot at a table to sit down in the half-empty carriage. They now had a few hours of peaceful bliss to enjoy wrapped up in each other’s bodies before they had to return to the concrete jungle. But Benji couldn’t enjoy the sensation as much as he would have liked, the mine barrage weighing on his brain now that he was alone with his thoughts; not even Dolly Parton could distract him, and so he knew he had to confront it sooner rather than later.</p><p>“Thanks for managing to keep my mind off things these past few days, by the way,” Benji said, taking a sip of water as he played with the ends of Victor’s curls, a pensive look and a sly grin drawn on his face. “I’m thinking I should take you up on that offer to talk now because otherwise I know I’m gonna wanna keep putting things off.”</p><p>“Is this about your dad?” Victor asked as he sat up straighter, looking more serious than he had just a second ago.</p><p>“Yeah… I don’t know what to do,” Benji sighs, staring down at his phone.</p><p>“What does your gut say?”</p><p>“My gut says I don’t even care anymore,” Benji said flatly, but he didn’t know if he fully believed his own words. “Maybe before I would have jumped for joy and all that but now… I’m annoyed. What’s the point? Honestly, I got used to just pretending he didn’t exist and accepted that we probably will just never have the relationship I always wanted to have.”</p><p>“I mean… that’s a reasonable response after having so little productive contact with someone, don’t you think? It seems like it took him a long time to come around.”</p><p>“Not only that, but my mom had to talk to him about it, too. Like, I still don’t get why he couldn’t come up with that on his own.”</p><p>“That’s a good question, B. You would think that if someone actually cares they would <em> show </em>you that they care. I don’t get it, either. So I can see why you would be hesitant about the whole thing.”</p><p>“Exactly… And maybe saying I don’t care isn’t technically right but I’m just like <em> this close </em>,” Benji said, holding up his free hand to show his thumb and forefinger a millimeter apart, “to just being done with him for good.”</p><p>“I get it. But what did he say?”</p><p>“Uh… I <em> still </em>haven’t read the message. I almost just deleted it without reading it but… that feels wrong.”</p><p>Victor pursed his lips, rubbing Benji’s back absently. “Sounds like your subconscious might have been trying to tell you something, don’t you think?”</p><p>“Maybe you’re right…” Benji said, finger hovering over the message. </p><p>“I’ll be here for you no matter what you decide,” Victor reassured him, squeezing his knee gently. </p><p>“Thanks,” Benji said, taking a deep breath. “Okay. I’m gonna do it. And once I read it, I’ll decide where to go from there.”</p><p>“You got this, <em> mi amor </em>.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>And even without the nectar of Victor’s voice in his ear, Benji was certain of what he had to do as he finally pressed on the message that had been sitting there, taunting him, for the past few days, a twisted, mangled beast with horns and piercing white eyes watching him from afar in the darkness. It was but a mirage that faded away as soon as he read the words.</p><p>The train raced down the tracks, rocking from side to side, the motion failing to deter Benji from holding his sight steady as he looked down at his arm where the redness and irritation had taken hold, but he couldn’t help but grin at the sight of the sky reflected on his own worn skin. He then raised his eyes to the blackness outside, the billions of tiny dots bright and vigorous as they peered down at him in return. </p><p>Victor snored quietly beside him, hair tickling at Benji’s neck. They would be at Kings Cross soon, and as much as the thought of parting rustled his insides, Benji was looking forward to sleeping in his own bed. </p><p>Biting his lip, Benji leaned against Victor, letting his head creep down to rest lightly atop Victor’s own and letting his eyes fall closed as he gripped his boyfriend’s hand. </p><p><em> Boyfriend. </em>Even the simple thought of the word sometimes left him in disbelief; it felt so natural, even after the arduous journey they’d been through in order to be together again, as if they’d never been apart at all. </p><p>But he knew in his core that something was different, and he wouldn’t have given up their separation for anything because now he knows he’ll be all right on his own; the impending collapse that normally accompanied parting from Victor was no longer anywhere to be found, the foundation cemented and solid enough that not even a calamity could tear it down.</p><p>They arrived back in London, fortunate once again that this was the terminus because they had both fallen asleep in each other’s spheres, disentangling from one another and disembarking onto the platform on an unusually clear night. But at least it was warmer than it had been up north, and for that, Benji was grateful.</p><p>Stepping aside and finding a secluded spot, they leaned against each other, hand in hand, enjoying the comfortable silence between them despite the typical racket of the city encompassing them. Benji fidgeted with the thread on his sleeve with his other hand. </p><p>“I guess this is it,” Benji said after a long pause.</p><p>“Thank you for planning all this, B. It was awesome. <em> You’re </em>awesome,” Victor said, eyes twinkling.</p><p>“We deserved it,” Benji said with a smile, pressing one final kiss to Victor’s lips. “But thank you. You’re amazing, too.”</p><p>When they pulled away, pupils connected, Benji could only sigh, the overwhelming sensation of Victor’s love filling him to the brim in that moment. He stood in place, palm resting on Victor’s cheek as the other mirrored him, the entirety of the platform and their surroundings once again melting away in the same way they melted each other and the walls they’d built around themselves as they dissolved like salt in a boiling liquid.</p><p>They’d found themselves drawn back together like water to itself not because the universe wanted them to be, but because the sheer capacity of their own spirits made it so. Perhaps one day, far in the past, the atoms in their bodies had inhabited the same star before it collapsed and sent its particles careening through the vacuum of space to Earth. </p><p>But they were formed not as one being, separated, but two, meant to roam the planet alone until magnetized and pulled back together again, the quarks within the elementary particles seeming to remember the gravitational force they shared even if there was no true possibility for that to happen. To lend such credence to the power outside themselves seemed logical, but perhaps it was that which had ripped them apart. </p><p>It wasn’t fate that reunited them, but their own hands; not their need for each other, but their need to be truly human, to be whole, to extend that complete humanity to one another, to take their right to be alive and to hold it, unflinching, for themselves alone.  </p><p>Holding the thread from his jacket in his digits and playing with it absently, Benji couldn’t stop himself from pulling at it until it snapped. At first it resisted, as anything will when exposed to an outside influence--that was Newton’s third law, after all. But then it split, with the tiniest audible noise, almost like a <em> crack </em>, and he placed both pieces together side by side, then tore them in half again. And again. Until he had several little pieces of string, like grains of sand, dust, that blew into the wind from inside his palm.</p><p>“I love you. See ya next week, <em> mi amor </em> ,” Victor said. <em> And every week, then every day after that, until the end of time, </em>is what Benji knew he implied.</p><p>“I love you, too, <em> mi alma, </em>” Benji said loud enough that only Victor’s ears could catch his voice, embracing him one more time.</p><p>He smiled before he untangled himself from Victor and they both turned on their heels as the stars twinkled knowingly in the tapestry of space above them for a moment, light years away; they were faint, but he could see them when he squinted. And Benji knew their photons had traveled millions of years from the past only to now caress their eyes. </p><p>But this was the future. And when Benji blinked, the bodies painted across the heavens disappeared; only he remained, a lone beacon in the night. He pulled his scarf closer to his face and marched on.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading all the way to the end. As I said, it's a bittersweet thing, an ending. And I'll admit, I'm getting emotional typing this. But I hope you enjoyed the journey with our boys tbh and I hope you were satisfied with the ending. It's but a blip in their lives, but the fact that they lived happily ever after warms my heart. They went through a lot, grew as a result, but still of course have a lot more growing and learning to do. And if you're curious about what their tattoos say, the phrase translates to the following: "Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves." </p><p>I also wanted to say thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ducklingcabal/pseuds/ducklingcabal">ducklingcabal</a> for the idea she gave me regarding B's tattoo (she suggested a constellation tattoo which honestly I thought was so perfect and fitting for the occasion). I also want to thank <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lw531/pseuds/lw531">lw531</a> for her expertise regarding race and her very important and insightful knowledge on the subject. And finally, of course, thank the entire LV writer's group for ya'll's support. It's wild to be done. But this is also the longest thing I've ever written and it's so surreal to have finally finished it after all these months. I don't know what to do with myself at this point because such a load has been lifted off my back but I love the renditions of these characters so much and have grown so attached to them so I'm curious what canon will bring us and how much of these characterizations will become moot as a result haha. But regardless, crafting this story was such a fun project for me and I hope you had fun, too. Finally, as always, 1 comment/kudo = 1 Venji having a happy and healthy time now and in the future!! Thank you again!! I appreciate you all!! :D</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Edit: I've compiled a list of mental health resources thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lw531">lw351</a>'s suggestion and with the help of <a href="https://twitter.com/sunsetvenji">@sunsetvenji</a> on twitter. <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LbvYLq5YP3MFn2FjkbcwdIitwIYCmhAwZhWK8o2Eh0A/edit?usp=sharing">Have a look here.</a></p><p>Thanks so much for taking the time to read. I appreciate feedback and want to know what you think about the story and what you’re expecting to happen and also if there are things you find relatable. ❤️</p></blockquote></div></div>
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